12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Hi Buddies....Peace , I am still right here...just not on the site quite as much. I am sorry you are having a  "really?" kind of day. You are making wonderful progress Peace. I remember your ( and mine) desperate fearful and uncertain posts from early summer. You are very close Peace to the home stretch

  .Life...you are sounding so so good. You have been our voice of hope and positive from the beginning and your 14 month triumphant post will keep us strong and hopeful through the last late phases of w/d and re-entry. ..I look forward so much to your posts and inevitable success stories.

.....Peace is right ...today is the beginning of month 13... don't know how I got this far....except for all of you here who have supported me every step of the way through the most painful fearful and difficult thing of my entire life.

    I can say ( with caution and ' knock on wood") that just in the last 2 weeks I think there has been a very different shift towards healing. A very perceptible shift. ..It is hard to put into concrete words. ( and I most definitely feel that it could disappear tomorrow...but I have a better feeling that even it does disappear it will come back). ....I have had a good stretch of good days. A little less than the ' effortless mind', but more solid consistent and long lasting than a window or the effortless mind. This feels like solid dependable permanent baseline healing. For me, windows and the effortless mind are like those peak moments in life ( the birth of a child, a promotion at work, a graduation  etc) A consistentry holding improved baseline is like the everyday sweetness of a happy life. ...That is how I am feeling lately with my baseline improvement...the sweetness of life is graduadually seeping back in and holding.

    At 13 months , in spite of lingering sx I am less focused and consumed with w/d .  My mind is capable of concentrating and thinking of other things. This has come anout due to nothing at all that I have done or not done.  It just is. I can feel my life returning with the same interests and passions that I thought I had lost to w/d and would never recover again. I am hoping with all my heart that it sticks because I don't know if I could take it if I was plunged into another deep wave again.

....These are the things that are better as I leave month 12 and enter month 13.  and I will say that these changes seem to have shifted somewhat abruptly, although I think healing has been happening all along. ..

....Sleep.. for the first time in 11 months I have been able to settle back into sleep after early morning wakeup with cortisol surges, fear and intrusive thoughts. Up until now I have had to fly out of bed the moment I wake up to cease the cortisol surge and distract from the intrusive thoughts. This week for the first time in a year I slept until 7 ( with the usual 3am wakeup that I experienced long before benzos) and snuggled back into sleep for another hour and even then took  my lazy slow peaceful time getting up to find the coffee and take the dog out. I think the dog is not happy with these longer slow to get going wonderfully lingering mornings.

  Intrusive thoughts.  My thoughts about life are now lead by appropriate forward thinking about all the things I want to do with my future. The bleak black deep thoughts about death and dying and the feeling that I am dying are much less and mostly fleeting and within my control when they float by.

  Energy... ( Green, this one is for you), my energy is so so much better. Not 100% yet, but this time last year I was in bed all day. Now I am up all day wanting to be busy and getting things done in an engaged connected way...rather than folding laundry over and over again to distract from screaming fear. I am getting ready for xmas ( albeit on a very low key simplistic way). I am enjoying my daughter and my friends.

.  Anxiety.. I am feeling much ...much more peaceful and settled in my mind and body. I still have moments ..but I can get past them and return to ' normal'.

.  Again I have to say that these improvements feel more like baseline rather than window or effortless mind ..the nice steady runners pace as oposed to the high of a second wind. ...and a cautionary note ( to myself ).. These solid feeling improvements are recent...within the past 2 weeks , following a string of bad waves in months 10, 11, and on and off in monin the first 2 weeks of month 12.  Kind of holding my breath.

.....Sx that are still challenging...body aches.  headaches/ head pressure ( although for the most part much better..as opposed to every day pressure with d/r ) Head pressure and headaches with d/r and anxiety and screaming health fears have been my worst sx all along.  actually becoming worse in months 6- 11. ...

.. .Mild agoraphobia and in confidence about engaging in the outside world ..  These are the least of my worries right now as I feel they are issues of re- entry that will resolve with practice and time over the second year of recovery.

. ..I have to say again that improvements are nothing.. nothing that I have or haven't done.. just time and surviving in whatever way I could on any given day. ...

  ..The improvements are an unbelievable gift and I am so hoping that they hold for the most part.

..For those of you weary and struggling in the late months.. don't don't do not give up.  Some of my worst waves were in months 10/11.  and rather suddenly things have a different feel. I feel like I am healing as opposed to just crawling however I can between sunbreaks and infrequent windows.

    I wish I could wave a wand and bring improvement and permanent ' effortless mind' to every single one of you...my friends on BBs...the only ones in the world who could possibly understand what this last year has been ...I love every single one of you..  love, coop

[[be...]]

Oh Coop, I'm so happy for you. You are well on your way to claiming your life back. Yes, you might have setbacks and the symptoms wax and wane but it is all normal in this process.

Please believe me when I tell you the waves get easier to ride out. After month fourteen is when I noticed a big change in symptoms. I struggle to put all of this healing into words because it's so hard to explain. While I still have 're entry it gets better and better as time passes.

Your right about not doing anything special for the healing, it just happens.

I'm starting to feel a little stronger, my weakness had me very worried.

I've also noticed the more healing I have the less I want to come here, I have the feeling of " this isn't my life anymore, I won't go there".

I want to support people but I also think my brain needs a break from the suffering, at least that's what it feels like.

You are doing this Coop, we are all doing it, I can read it in Everyone's posts.

We are all healing. Hugs.

[[pe...]]

Hey Old Timers!  Coop and Life,

You both are so very special and I am absolutely blessed to have 'spent' so much time with you on this journey. You both are doing so well and I hope, hope, hope to see some of the relief you're seeing when I get further along.

 

My heart is full for you both. I love hearing every glorious tidbit of joy and success you're experiencing because you've 'worked' so hard to get through this nightmare. And it's really ending for you.

 

Thank you for everything! Thank you for sharing your good news. My face lit up when I saw that you posted.

 

Hurray for healing and hurray for you!

Peace2

 

[[Fi...]]

Happy for all you guys who don't necessarily want to hang out here anymore and I can't blame you!  thanks for checking with a good report.

 

Coop--I related to the way you describe your current pattern of healing.  I seem to have hit a new place where I'm not great like I was in some of my windows, but I'm steady and calm.  It feels.....even.  These days are not difficult to deal with if I can hang to the notion I'm on my way toward totally well.

 

Still wondering about the answer to the question regarding our sons--PSU or UP?

[[Co...]]

Peace, you just hold on Mighty Girl...you are right there. You have supported me so much. I really do think things change around year one...give or take. I think I still have a long ways to go but this feels more stable than window/wave.

...you are strong and determined and Mighty..I can't believe you have worked all the way through this. So glad you have xmas break coming up.  You are going to be so healed Peace.  Love to you dear friend...coop

 

[[Co...]]

FJ I pm'd you...didn't you get it?...my son went to PU..he is 35 so it has been a long time ago. He is a fireman/paramedic and teaches as well...he and his wife now have 3 wonderful little boys...

.....Yes, you sound like you are in the same healing space..let's hope it doesn't drop us on our heads. ..

  ...I don't come on quite as much anymore because I can actually focus and concentrate on some other things now. There were so many days when BBs was my lifeline ...days and days...some ( many) long nights.  Months and months.

.....Also, I get lost in the posts...I can't keep up with them if I miss a day. I have met the most wonderful people here. I will probably always be on the site on some level, but I am starting to engage in my life again and it is wonderful to be too busy to be here here hour after hour..

...

[[Co...]]

Beulah...it is great to see you...you are sounding so good too!

..I remember how miserable we both were last winter. You were having such terrible leg pain...so glad that is over for you now. ...Yes, me too. .less time on the site now..not because I don't want to be here..but glad I am not so sick every day that I clinging to BB gets me from one hour to the next. There were times when BBs got me from one 5 minute stint to the next 5 minute. Remember those days? ...Me too..I still feel pretty traumatized by months 4-11..but I think it is getting better and less up front in my memory..

....So glad to see you Beulah.  sending you love and wishes for healing all the way...coop

[[Gr...]]

Susan ... I have the solution to the cell phone company ... I have a seven year old clunker that I only use for calling taxis and checking for buses at the bus stop ... I call it my Me-Phone ... don't need an I-Phone ... one of me on this planet is enough ... and, I so enjoy the looks I get when folks ask me for my number ... when I tell them I never turn it on ... and they ask "how do you talk to people?" ... and I usually respond with "smoke signals, I like to keep my distance" ...

And ... I believe this "process" is quite simple ... the drug(s) changed us ... we stopped taking the drug(s) ... we are changing again ...

 

I don't feel much else is really happening, physically (and, please, I am not downplaying or polyanna-ing the chaos and turmoil many of us have been through and many are still in) ... and ... we now have a new opportunity to "engage" this change ... after the "turmoil" of all the physical and mental stuff some of us have been through ... we are not recovered, yet ... and we are being offered the opportunity to "participate" in our lives ... the "re-entry" theme many speak about ...

 

Sorry for this "fractured" post ... too much here to put in a couple of sentences ...

 

Michael

 

Michael,

 

Smoke signals.  I have a good visual, lol.

 

The post is not fractured.  I hear ya.  I still think once we're better we're not going to let too much bother us, I think after suffering like this if there are things that need fixin' in our lives, we're going to fix 'em.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks for being so welcoming

 

One of the challenges I have is that I've never been a wave/window kinda gal.  Symptoms are are either bad or not as bad and typically directly related to how much stress I have and how much sleep I've had.  It boggles my mind when people have very specific waves periods.  Like if someone says "yup at 9.5 months, that was a really bad wave".  I just don't have that experience. 

 

I'm grateful that things are improving from where they were, but I still suffer from horrible mornings, every morning.  But progress has been made in that they used to be sheer terror for several hours and now I wake up with serious depression, but it doesn't last half the night and half the day. It lasts about 3 hours or so.  I also still have the insecurities and lack of confidence but which improves those days or parts of days when I've slept really well and I've had time to just be me, without stress.

 

I'm better than I've been since this whole mess started, but it seems with some good distance still to go.  I'm hopeful based on the improvement I've seen thus far, but have your basic benzo fear that this is as far as it goes.

 

Anyway, just thinking out loud. Thanks for letting me join.  Continued healing to all.

 

WWWI

WWWI,

 

So what you're saying is you never have windows.  I don't either.  I either felt very, very bad, pretty bad, or not that bad.  Going to work was out of the question, and I have worked every day of my life since I'm 15 years old.

 

Don't worry, there's a bunch of us here who don't get windows.  You'll get better, everybody does, it's just the time.  and mornings are the worst for me, too.

[[Gr...]]

Hi everybody,

 

I have a lot of catching up to do here !! I have a hard day today, many difficult lessons and my symptoms are up and about.

 

I am  a little fed up of living in fear of my symptoms and constantly checking up on them. Green, some time ago talked about being Wd's b**ch and I definitely am just that.

Yes, I work and pull through but, my thoughts and fears, what has me cowering, is the thought of my symptoms even though I have plenty of evidence to the fact that, besides the discomfort and anguish, I am clearly able to do my things. But the quality of my life is still iffy. I am sick of sick thoughts and my mind rambling. 

 

So,here I am at 13 months(YAY! ), feeling a little blah. I did not even update my log, the thought of the struggle with the keyboard, the writing problem I have, just discouraged me.

 

A little worried about the coming festivities, but you know, when you feel blah, thoughts have a hard time being positive !!

 

Wish you all a lot of healing today !

 

Happy 13th Anniversary, Sky!  I'm sorry I'm not able to post you a cake or balloons since my brain isn't working today. 

 

Don't worry, better days are coming. 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi everyone,

I hope everyone is doing OK today.  I had a rough night last night, woke up at 2:30 with another heart pounding panic attack.  It was similar to what I had a week ago, but it was less intense and didn't last as long.  I adopted the thought process of "this has happened before and I can get through it again".  My pounding heart went away after a few minutes, but I was very revved and jittery afterwards.  I still am.  I could fall back asleep, but would wake up with cortisol rushes continually.  Right now I am very tired with lots of physical anxiety coursing through me.  UGH!  It will be a long day. 

 

I had some emotional stuff go on yesterday evening, including a confrontation with someone who hurt a member of my family, and I was pretty upset by it until I finally fell asleep about midnight.  I'm still having to deal with it today, and I'm very anxious about it.  I have never liked confrontation and I know that my CNS is still so hyper-sensitive.  Not a good combination.

 

I forgot to mention that I hit the 17th month mark on December 1. 

 

Sending you all healing thoughts and prayers,

HH

 

HH, congratulations on month 17!!

 

I'm dealing with an uncomfortable personal situation, too, and I've been so worried it's going to trigger my symptoms.  But I keep telling myself I'm ready to deal with this now, that I'll be fine.  If you weren't ready to handle your situation, you wouldn't be doing it.  This is me, I think, I was always uncomfortable confronting people, standing up for myself.  I'm hoping I will get better at this, create some new neuro-pathways.  Remember Life used to talk about that?

 

Feel better.  You're in the home stretch.

[[Fi...]]

Coop--yes I got the first PM from you, but I'm STILL unclear about the schools, because when you say PU that's not the local terminology as I know it.  It's either PSU for Portland State University of UP for University of Portland.  My son will be 29 in January so yeah, they wouldn't have crossed paths at either school.  Mine went to UP.  I also have a 35 year old son who's given us a darling grandson who turns one year old in a week or so.

 

Green and HH--must recommend again the CD by Belleruth Naparstek about Anger and Forgiveness.  Lots of good ideas for protecting yourself in these situations.

[[Gr...]]

Hey, everyone,

 

It kind of crept up on me, but Coop's post is exactly where I'm at.  I was just struggling through the tail end of the last wave, and it slowly opened into this place of -- capability, I guess.  Clear thinking, able to do a lot more, very little fear, just a great place to be, like it feels "over," even though it might not be.  And, as Coop said, even if I get hit again, I think it's going to be okay.  I guess this is like a preview of what I'm going to feel like when I'm better.

 

I'm still stiff and achy, still don't have great sleep, but that feels like a minor inconvenience, no big deal.  I pulled my work equipment out, ordered a new laptop to use for work.  It's like I'm moving in that direction.  And this came out of nowhere.  Two weeks ago I was looking for a shrink to give me ADs because I thought I was a hopeless case.

 

I'm writing this so if you feel awful you will take heart and believe you will heal.  I did a cold turkey and I was pretty messed up.  and I kind of never had windows.  I thought I was screwed.  I don't think I'm done, I just never felt this good, not for a day, much less this many days.

[[Co...]]

Sky....HAPPY 13...We are jumping buds...I stepped into month 13 today too...We have traveled far far far. Your mornings will get better. We are more than half way ...and the hardest part is behind us...You are going to heal Sky...100%...

....Wishing you a night of sweet sleep and a really good day tomorrow. ...coop

[[Sk...]]

Sky....HAPPY 13...We are jumping buds...I stepped into month 13 today too...We have traveled far far far. Your mornings will get better. We are more than half way ...and the hardest part is behind us...You are going to heal Sky...100%...

....Wishing you a night of sweet sleep and a really good day tomorrow. ...coop

 

Thanks Coop, it is great to hear you are doing so well !

 

About Christmas, here are some thoughts, some of which I have already  shared with Green .

 

Soon, I will be visiting my mother in my hometown that is rather far from where I live now .

It will be hard on mr Sky, he is exhauseted by all  this ( but happy the monster has been vanquished ) and having to add my mother to the equation will not make things easier, they are very different people.

My mother has not seen me since January, and she knows what I tell her but it's not the same as having to face the reality of things. It did take her 5 months to even accept the notion of wd, who knows why.

I know it will be hard, I hope not too hard. Also, I do not know what to do with the people who abandoned me. In my hometown, there are my relatives, some of them,  without really knowing what was going on, just left me, never even called me. I wanted to be alone, but a 5 minute chat over the phone, would have been great support. THis was an emergency if there ever was one.

 

If I had not had mr Sky to advise me, guide me to benzobuddies, I would be under strong medications thinking I was mad, I ran a huge risk. So that has me concerned, clearly I have a lot of anger towards these people who did nothing to make it slightly easier.

 

So, wd has also been a learning process. Either I was a  really bad person, and I am reaping what I sowed or I made sure I was surrounded by self absorbed idiots. I think both ! 

 

But what to do with them at Christmas ? Avoid them and not get upset ?

 

But here is one thing I feel sure about. People are uncomfortable with our stories even if they do not know about benzos, because it is a very scary story. 

One friend, as I gave her my line ( I was operated on( true ), the anesthesia provoked a brain injury) ,  and I gave her just a small sample of my problems, well  she rushed to minimize them. Other people do that.

It is not about  us, it is about themselves, they are scared of the possbility that this could happen so easily. It's them, not us !!

 

What's not to be scary ? We are closer to dementia  than them, and we are there to remind people how easily it can happen.

 

I am interested in your thoughts on the matter. Nova, what do you say ?

 

Finally, you are really doing great, you don't realize how much better you are.

 

I have to get on with my things, greeat to read all the improvements ! Coop, you sound great !

 

@everybody, have a healing day with moments of calm.

 

[[Wi...]]

Im not sure if it's because I wake up with fear and depression ot if it's  just having spent so long at this but i find myself most often in a state of anger/agitation or a state of neediness, sometimes both.  I have done, like most here, all of this on my own and I feel like I have a hole in me that is simply impossible to fill.  Or when Im anxiouse my patience goes out the window or I'm  always overanalysing every interaction i have with anyone and most time I'm  just plain insecure. 

 

Anyone else experience any of this?

[[Fi...]]

Oh yes, Wise Woman, I know those feelings, and Sky, I really relate to your feelings about being abandoned by others.  I've had enough window time to understand that I will be able to be more forgiving and understanding of others when I am well.  I've had a huge issue with my mother, who launched right in with shame that I had a problem regarding drugs, and then just wanted me to buck up already and be the dutiful daughter who was always there for her.  Everybody knows you feel better if you just go out to lunch, right?  Ha!  Now she's slipping into her own cognitive issues.  As somebody else said, we are not coming out of this the same people we went in.  I will not be reconnecting with friends who abandoned me.  I just plan to make NEW friends!

 

Again, Bellaruth Naparstek's CD on Anger and Forgiveness is so comforting!  Seriously!  People should get this.  You wouldn't think a stranger who doesn't know your story and who is reading a generic script could work so well, but I think it's the idea that she's acknowledging that people who have been through the kind of thing we have are bound to have a lot of anger.  I order these out of the Isabella catalogue.

 

I remember the first time I sat there at my counsellor's office and said I wasn't sure why I had so much anger to deal with.  Just mad at the world.  And that was when I thought I was surely almost well.  Ha!  That was about 14 months ago!

 

Another thought from a book called Renewal and Recovery is that we shouldn't be expecting to be hailed as heroes by outsiders for getting through this because THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND.  The important thing to remember though, is that IT WON'T MATTER!  Feeling well again will be such a huge reward, whether others get it will be of small significance.

 

Today I'm in that steady spot, not symptom free physically, but stable mentally, which I think most of us agree is preferable.  The mental crap is the worst!

[[Gr...]]

Sky....HAPPY 13...We are jumping buds...I stepped into month 13 today too...We have traveled far far far. Your mornings will get better. We are more than half way ...and the hardest part is behind us...You are going to heal Sky...100%...

....Wishing you a night of sweet sleep and a really good day tomorrow. ...coop

 

Thanks Coop, it is great to hear you are doing so well !

 

About Christmas, here are some thoughts, some of which I have already  shared with Green .

 

Soon, I will be visiting my mother in my hometown that is rather far from where I live now .

It will be hard on mr Sky, he is exhauseted by all  this ( but happy the monster has been vanquished ) and having to add my mother to the equation will not make things easier, they are very different people.

My mother has not seen me since January, and she knows what I tell her but it's not the same as having to face the reality of things. It did take her 5 months to even accept the notion of wd, who knows why.

I know it will be hard, I hope not too hard. Also, I do not know what to do with the people who abandoned me. In my hometown, there are my relatives, some of them,  without really knowing what was going on, just left me, never even called me. I wanted to be alone, but a 5 minute chat over the phone, would have been great support. THis was an emergency if there ever was one.

 

If I had not had mr Sky to advise me, guide me to benzobuddies, I would be under strong medications thinking I was mad, I ran a huge risk. So that has me concerned, clearly I have a lot of anger towards these people who did nothing to make it slightly easier.

 

So, wd has also been a learning process. Either I was a  really bad person, and I am reaping what I sowed or I made sure I was surrounded by self absorbed idiots. I think both ! 

 

But what to do with them at Christmas ? Avoid them and not get upset ?

 

But here is one thing I feel sure about. People are uncomfortable with our stories even if they do not know about benzos, because it is a very scary story. 

One friend, as I gave her my line ( I was operated on( true ), the anesthesia provoked a brain injury) ,  and I gave her just a small sample of my problems, well  she rushed to minimize them. Other people do that.

It is not about  us, it is about themselves, they are scared of the possbility that this could happen so easily. It's them, not us !!

 

What's not to be scary ? We are closer to dementia  than them, and we are there to remind people how easily it can happen.

 

I am interested in your thoughts on the matter. Nova, what do you say ?

 

Finally, you are really doing great, you don't realize how much better you are.

 

I have to get on with my things, greeat to read all the improvements ! Coop, you sound great !

 

@everybody, have a healing day with moments of calm.

 

Wow, Sky, and FJ

 

This is very, very big emotional stuff.  And I guess the holidays coming on magnifies it all.  Christmas puts a zoom lens on all the issues. 

 

I used to be angry, I used to be hurt, I felt abandoned, but now as I start to feel better, I'm thinking, nothing and no one on this planet is worth feeling bad about.  I just came out of a year of hell, in a sub-basement of hell, and that after a decade of numbing my feelings.  And that makes me feel very empowered.

 

I just broke up my long term relationship.  I was unhappy for years, I buried my feelings, and look where that got me?  He is a very nice man, and we have history, so I didn't give an ultimatum, I just said for me to stay we need counseling.

 

Fact is, I'm shockingly codependent.  I didn't even know what that word meant.  Now I'm reading books and going to 12 step meetings for it.  I'm so codependent I had to google how to break up a codependent relationship.  I used the instructions.  I really don't know how to take care of myself, my own needs.  As a matter of fact, I have suppressed who I am for so long, I barely know I have needs, much less what they are.

 

So for me I'm feeling liberated, embracing change.  I didn't get angry or dump people out of my life, I'm just saying if you want to be in my life, things have to change, I can't be that person anymore, it's too painful, it cost me too much.

[[Sk...]]

Falling, Green, great stuff here.

 

But what I really wanted to know is at Christmas should I just avoid the people that hurt me  in order not to get upset ?Sue, I am not like you, I am not as strong emotionally. Of course, I love these people, it 's just that now I know what they would do when/if I ever get some sort of Alzheimer. I love these people, but I do not trust them anymore.

 

Green, how do you know id you are in a codependent relationship ? YOu are so brave.

 

I know my healing is still quite far away by the fact that there is still so much anger in me.

 

FAlling, are you sure we are not getting a medal at the end of all this ? We really will not be hailed as heroes after all this ? I was sort of counting on this !

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

[[Fi...]]

Green--I am really inspired by stories like yours, of people just getting their shit together!!!  Empowered is the word.  I can't see how any of us can come out of this, having survived, without feeling like we are really the strongest people around.

 

Sky-- I think it's always harder with family stuff.  These just aren't relationships we can walk away from.  Well, I guess some people have to if the dysfunction rises to that level, but it's different for those of us just muddling along with the usual stuff.  I truly think what's going to happen with people like us in these situations is that OUR BRAINS ARE GOING TO HEAL AND THEN ALL THIS STUFF WON'T LOOK NEARLY SO DIRE! I mean, at one point I was feeling this way about my own dear husband of 40 years!  I just kept telling myself that somehow, if I hung on, it wasn't going to look so bad.  And now, at this point I'm feeling nothing but loving gratitude towards him. My negativity toward others (the ones who will still be in my life) will abate with healing, I'm sure.  Here's how I know I'm getting better.  Today I'm actually thinking that maybe I feel well enough to go over to my mother's new apartment and finish hanging her pictures.  For the past month I've been so bad I just did not feel like I could be around her, one on one, because of the way dealing with her hurts my brain.  I'll let you know how it goes!

[[Wi...]]

Oh yes, Wise Woman, I know those feelings, and Sky, I really relate to your feelings about being abandoned by others.  I've had enough window time to understand that I will be able to be more forgiving and understanding of others when I am well.  I've had a huge issue with my mother, who launched right in with shame that I had a problem regarding drugs, and then just wanted me to buck up already and be the dutiful daughter who was always there for her.  Everybody knows you feel better if you just go out to lunch, right?  Ha!  Now she's slipping into her own cognitive issues.  As somebody else said, we are not coming out of this the same people we went in.  I will not be reconnecting with friends who abandoned me.  I just plan to make NEW friends!

 

Again, Bellaruth Naparstek's CD on Anger and Forgiveness is so comforting!  Seriously!  People should get this.  You wouldn't think a stranger who doesn't know your story and who is reading a generic script could work so well, but I think it's the idea that she's acknowledging that people who have been through the kind of thing we have are bound to have a lot of anger.  I order these out of the Isabella catalogue.

 

I remember the first time I sat there at my counsellor's office and said I wasn't sure why I had so much anger to deal with.  Just mad at the world.  And that was when I thought I was surely almost well.  Ha!  That was about 14 months ago!

 

Another thought from a book called Renewal and Recovery is that we shouldn't be expecting to be hailed as heroes by outsiders for getting through this because THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND.  The important thing to remember though, is that IT WON'T MATTER!  Feeling well again will be such a huge reward, whether others get it will be of small significance.

 

Today I'm in that steady spot, not symptom free physically, but stable mentally, which I think most of us agree is preferable.  The mental crap is the worst!

This was really helpful.  Thank you

[[Fi...]]

WiseWoman, thank you.  It helps me to feel I'm helping others.  I haven't felt like "thinking of others" as any kind of RX when we were talking about all the people who haven't been any help at all to me during this.  But now I find I'm so sympathetic to what everybody here is going through, I want to be for them what I didn't have.  (Well, I SORT of had it from the board because I would always lurk and just take the comfort for myself, even if I never told my story or had sympathy aimed directly at me!)  I couldn't do this until I had healed enough to feel confident in saying that we ARE going to make it through this!

[[No...]]

Sky ... in the turmoil of all this process ... I have not made any decisions about anyone ... I kind of treat relationships like this healing process ... some days touch and go ... some days not so bad ... some days just lousy ... and I am not the best person to talk about "family" ... neither one of us have any ... all parents have passed ... and neither one of us are in touch with any of our siblings ... and it has been that way for years and we have no expectation of change ... and we never had children ... so ...

 

I would figure that where there is "possibility", allowing time to takes its course may be the best choice right now ... and ... when interacting, "show up, be present, tell the truth" ... sorry, not much "wisdom" percolating for me today ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

Michael

 

[[tr...]]

Ho..I am 14 months oit from severe reaction to ssri and ct xanax. I am very sick and very scared. I am looking for some encouragement and support. I don't know how I've lived through this and not sure how to keep holding on. I feel completely toxic head to toe. I have chemical depression thst made my blood curdle. I burn like acid all over my body. I shske... I cant sleep . I had a baby 6 months ago.

[[Gr...]]

Falling, Green, great stuff here.

 

But what I really wanted to know is at Christmas should I just avoid the people that hurt me  in order not to get upset ?Sue, I am not like you, I am not as strong emotionally. Of course, I love these people, it 's just that now I know what they would do when/if I ever get some sort of Alzheimer. I love these people, but I do not trust them anymore.

 

Green, how do you know id you are in a codependent relationship ? YOu are so brave.

 

I know my healing is still quite far away by the fact that there is still so much anger in me.

 

FAlling, are you sure we are not getting a medal at the end of all this ? We really will not be hailed as heroes after all this ? I was sort of counting on this !

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

Sky, I don't know if I'm brave.  I know I was unhappy in my romantic relationship and I'm doing something about it.  And it's a lot of work, yes.

 

As far as the holidays, you and your family, I don't know what you should do.  I think from what you've said you want to see your mom, and it's been a long time since you have.

 

Why do you have to make any decisions?  Why do you have to do anything?  Why not just show up and ignore the elephant in the room.  Let someone else do the work, bring up the subject? Or not. 

 

I need to PM you