12-18 month support

[[Sk...]]

Sue, thanks for updating us. I really hate to say this, but I am so tired today, so tired of always having something to fight,s ome symptom to deal with.

 

I don't have depression, I am so lucky with that. Even though, it's hard to believe I am not depressed, given the messages my brain is se nding me round the clock.

 

I have so many things I dream of doing, some small projects, I am not talking about the forbidden foods list. I just can't wait to get on with it. I keep holding to HH's story, or preview of a story. It gives me hope.

 

Have to go to dinner, speak later. 

 

Sky...please try and just be with the symptom.  Don't fight it.  It will be there regardless and the less we pay attention to it the easier it is.  Easier being a relative word.  Be okay with blobbing on couch.

 

I am having a high anxiety day and even got a flash of panic on way in to work.  It was very similar to my morning yucks...must have been delayed today.  I am just moving through the day.  Although i am uncomfortable in my own skin it will pass and I am not dwelling on it. 

 

Drew, when my heart is pounding like this and the heartbeat is loud and irregular, blobbing on the couch is not an option, it actually makes things worse. Distracting and possibly, moving and walking are the only way to handle it.

 

My second name is acceptance, not to worry.

 

I also feel so cold today, I am more sensitive to temperatures nowadays.

 

i meant my unsolicted advice to do anything that moves your day along

 

We are here to give each other  unsolicited advice, that is the purpose of this thread, right ? Didn't mean to sound like a grouch, I am  just a little out of it today.

[[dr...]]

no problem..you didn't sound grouchy.  I am sitting here with the heart palps too

[[Co...]]

Drew, thank you so much for the link...what a great success story...one more big ray of hope to hang on to. ...I also have success with ignoring, going with, floating above ....all the zen of surrender. ...And then there are the times I can't find that place and lose my mind to terror and the alternate universe of w/d....I see healing in all of our posts...if I could only reason with the Benzo beast. ...It is what it is on any given day.. or hour. ..Nova, you said it . the exhausting thing is always being 'with' a sx...and like Green said..."I just want out of my head"... I just feel like I am fighting the exact same fight every day.  If somebody could just please turn the page or change the channel .

....We are getting there...thank you Drew for the encouragement...I hope your anxiety moved on.....coop

[[mr...]]

Hiya gang, just dropping by with an update

 

The past few weeks, the "fear" has morphed and blobbied along, and I am just awaiting its descent. It has taken more of the form of "irrational fears", which its been a while since I've been "here". We've got some storms coming through our way, & my brain was trying to convince me that I was "afraid" of them -- mind you, I've NEVER been afraid of storms -- so needless to say, it is annoying! I've had some "intenser" feeling panics than I've experienced for a while this afternoon, which are not a ton of fun of course, but I can weather them ~ they are not harmful, Amen! I dunno why, but the "benzo voice" has bee particularly snotty in trying to tell me the "I Can'ts" and the "Don'ts" recently as well; with God's grace I am strong. After 1-2 particularly challenging panic feelings today, I felt proud of myself. The voices scream "fear", but here we choose NOPE, I won't run with that voice. How awesome! Anyways, I'm unsure of why the recent "ride" I've had, but I am very much looking forward to its demise - it is coming! Bring the storms, I can do all things! Amen

 

I will see the day where I enjoy the storms again - Amen, it will happen

 

Hope y'all are doing well Thinking of you

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Green, So sorry that you are in the land of relentless sx...me too...I have been stuck there for the last 3/4 weeks....excepting ..that the few times it has lifted it has lifted to nearly 100%. ..I hate it that you are having sx , but it is so helpful to know that I am not the only one this far out. My eyes hurt too...and just as you describe it is the boney sockets .. the temple area and my actual eyes feel like achey tired muscles...I have been trying not to freak out so your description of sx was reassuring to me.

....I loved the comment in Calendula's story about 3 day windows dissolving back into waves....many times. .. It all seems so up hill...no wonder we get tired and worn down. If it's any consolation, when ever I go shopping or go out with my daughter the next day or two I have a return of sx and exhaustion..  ..Green, I hope your headache goes away .  I am using warm packs to my eyes ( my answer to everything ). it doesn't make it go away but it is comforting. ..btw, I am still taking a rest /nap every afternoon ...living like an 85 year old.

....thinking of you Green....sending wishes for windows.  coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... round and round it goes ... not a bad day for me ... I would just like to get hold of this gremlin that is trying to "strangle" me ... haven't had the eye stuff for a while ... hope I am done with it ... it was always a nuisance ...

[[Gr...]]

Sue, thanks for updating us. I really hate to say this, but I am so tired today, so tired of always having something to fight,s ome symptom to deal with.

 

I don't have depression, I am so lucky with that. Even though, it's hard to believe I am not depressed, given the messages my brain is se nding me round the clock.

 

I have so many things I dream of doing, some small projects, I am not talking about the forbidden foods list. I just can't wait to get on with it. I keep holding to HH's story, or preview of a story. It gives me hope.

 

Have to go to dinner, speak later. 

 

Sky, I'm with ya, very, very tired of it all, trying to figure out how to stay positive, find the impetus, the motivation to just get up and do it again.

 

And we do have a sort of depression.  it's just for a reason!  in the DSM, the criteria for depression is depressed mood for no reason (I think, something like that)  Like, if someone dies, there's a reason to feel bad, sad, so that's normal.

 

Our lives have been picked up by an F5 tornado, and scattered all over the place.  we're scrambling to just get through the day.  our emotions are blunted, we don't "feel normally"  who the hell wouldn't be depressed?  or exhausted?  or tired of the whole freakin thing.

 

BTW, this is wave talk.  we're struggling with symptoms.  I am.  everything above the neck is sensitive to touch, hurts, bad headache, body aches.  the fatigue is better today.  and most of the intrusives and intense thoughts are on the back burner.  but when we're getting hit with hard symptoms, day in, day out, without a sunbreak, we do get depressed and tired of it all.  the best thing I can think of right now is, thank God it's not worse, the heart stuff, the vibes.  It's hard to feel upbeat and happy on these days.

 

I ranted more than I responded  sorry.

[[No...]]

Mrs ... yep ... "the voice" ... I am getting better at pulling the plug on that machine ... still forget how once in a while ... less and less of late ...

 

Be Well ...

[[Gr...]]

Green ... I know the "blob" and the "move" place ... some days I just stay there ... some days I can get out of it ... we just do what we can, when we can ...

 

Rule Number One for Benzo Land Travel ... There aren't any rules ...

 

Rule Number Two ... Always refer to rule Number One ...

 

Have not found Rule Number Three yet ... 

 

Nova, this is why I love you, this site, this thread.  Who else in the whole wide world knows what the blob and move/not move thing is?    Not so many, lol!  Thank you for reminding me of Rule #1!  and #2!

 

Hope you're having a better day!

[[Gr...]]

Drew, thank you so much for the link...what a great success story...one more big ray of hope to hang on to. ...I also have success with ignoring, going with, floating above ....all the zen of surrender. ...And then there are the times I can't find that place and lose my mind to terror and the alternate universe of w/d....I see healing in all of our posts...if I could only reason with the Benzo beast. ...It is what it is on any given day.. or hour. ..Nova, you said it . the exhausting thing is always being 'with' a sx...and like Green said..."I just want out of my head"... I just feel like I am fighting the exact same fight every day.  If somebody could just please turn the page or change the channel .

....We are getting there...thank you Drew for the encouragement...I hope your anxiety moved on.....coop

Coop, Baylissa had a little thing on "out of the head," the fear thoughts.  she says, ask yourself, do you really believe that's 100 % true?  is it possible you might be wrong?  It has helped me.  I don't know if that's because my thoughts were winding down.  hard to tell.  I'm also holding my left thumb right now and whispering incantations, so that gives you an idea of where i'm at

[[No...]]

Green ... good to hear you rant ...

 

And yes, we have a damn good reason to "BE" exhausted and depressed ... I feel my acknowledging that has been helpful ... there isn't some mysterious exhaustion or depression gremlin running around ... I AM exhausted and I know why ... and I don't need a damn pill for it ...

 

I just need a little time to get better ... 

[[Co...]]

Well 12-18 month buddies.. .sounds like we are, once again, about in the same place.  Healing...with sx.. crap.

. ...I am having acute level anxiety...shakes, near panic, sense of something bad is going to happen in the next moment, raging health fear and chemical surges. Where the hell did this come from so late?..Head pressure, dizziness and off balance.  d/r.  Depression and intrusive exestential thoughts come and go at a lesser intensity and frequency. .  And a whacky 'bad news - good news' pattern.  I get up and feel pretty much ok.  Within 2 hours all the sx of acute show up for brunch.  They stay well beyond thier welcome....and just as suddenly as they showed up they leave around 1 or 2.  I feel ungrateful complaining because for the most part they lift to at least a 70-75%  baseline, but the mornings are all the hell that acute was. I am sort of catching on to the pattern and get through the mornings with busy busy distraction...anything physically busy ,and reminding myself that most likely it is going to let up in the afternoon. I think I had a similar pattern somewhere towards the end of year one. ..This has been a really tough month for all of us.  .Better times are coming.. thank god for you you, my friends and support here....Wishing everyone some damn windows now.  coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... I just got off the phone with Home Depot ... sending everyone a new WINDOW ... should be there shortly ... 

[[Co...]]

Thanks Nova...lol...I will take any size...any shape..hope you are seeing some improvement on your day this evening.  Carry on ...we are all right there with you.  coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... every time I think I "see" a pattern that gremlin changes the script ...

 

And ... it is my sense that things are breaking up ... very slowly ... the log jam of symptoms seems to be moving down stream ...

 

And some days are a lot rougher than others ... hope things lighten up for you soon ...

[[Co...]]

Sky, ...Sorry to hear that your heart is still banging around like a caged bird.  You are do brave about it. You do not sound grouchy but my goodness we all have good reason to be down right snippy....you are among friends and we all get it.  Are you back home now? .  I could never do any of this away from home.  I think you have a will of steel.  We are almost done Sky.  Rest well tonight.  coop

[[No...]]

Folks ... I think I am hearing some real quality anger in these posts ... and that is a good sign ... some feistiness ... some spit in your eye, get out of my face stuff ...

 

Seems to me that is a form of healthy "focus" ... some "here I stand" stuff ... you know, it takes a lot of courage and fortitude to stand in the face of these storms and blow raspberries ... 

 

Acceptance is a wonderful blessing ... and we all need as much as we can find within ... and sometimes it is perhaps a good thing to be able to just be angry ... healthy anger is a blessing too ... 

[[Co...]]

Mrs, the storms you guys get in the South would scare the begeezus out of anyone...w/d or not. I live in the PNW and we don't get disaster weather usually ( we have had an ice storm some 20 years ago that was something out of the Twilight Zone.  and a fire storm several years ago..but thats it). The most we get is thunder and lightening and even that is not the intensity that strikes buildings etc).

....You sound like you are getting through this by 'talking back' to sx...I need to take speech lessons from you. .. I am 17 months out and still losing my mind to sx from time to time. Thank goodness for friends here. ...coop

[[mr...]]

Mark this with me, Coop - Panic's and Fear's days are numbered, and we will be posting about a higher baseline very soon. Remember HH just a short month or two back, had an intense wave...and here she is, feeling healing like she never has before! Wow! So is for us. Yes, so is for us.

 

Love & appreciate you girl. It was your posts that reached out to me during a very dark time last year ~ it was you that I felt I could finally relate to Here we are, walking out if this "war" together, dusting off each other's shoulders and picking the "shrapnel" out as we go We're doing an amazing thing, we are! Love to you

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

I'm squarely in the anxiety and panic club today. No full on panics but revving close all day. Hard time driving on freeway (which used to be pure panic) and just ugh feeling. Home now and not going to do a damn thing. 

 

Had a good day yesterday so I did a lot of things such as exercise and went to a great sushi restaurant by myself.  Today a quivering fool.  Oh well....not questioning the process and I'll just pass the time as best possible. 

[[mr...]]

Drew --> 

I hear ya, bro.

 

Mrs

[[Co...]]

Hop on in my row boat.  We'll get through it. ...Tomorrow will come with whatever it had to bring ...and you will be one day closer regardless. It's good ( imo) that you are kicking back tonight. If it's any consolation, every time I have a really good day and go out to do things that I have been looking forward to, the following day is almost always wavy. ....

....take good care Drew..  coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs.. thanks for the encouragement. You have a great handle on fear...I am the wimpiest of buddies, but you are right...we are all going to heal from this and throw the biggest party ever...

.....thanks for coming by Mrs, you always bring some upbeat to this travel....you sound good...so glad that are doing so well....cooper

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

Just caught up on the posts and sounds like a lot of you are having a rough day. I can't really gauge if my feeling today are w/d related or just life stress related. I couldnt sleep last night, I was scouring the internet for info on tonsil/adenoid surgery. So I just laid in bed all night thinking, and doing the whole "what if" type of thinking. Being put in the position of having to decide the health care of my son is not a place I want to be right now. I got up today and felt okay, took my boys on a field trip, did okay and now I'm sitting here tired, sad, and depressed. I feel very frustrated that I constantly just have a feeling of being unwell. Sick of being sick I think is the theme for all of us today. Thank you all for your posts, they always help me. I don't know where I'd be without all the beautiful people on this thread 

[[Co...]]

Hi Jenny...would it help to get a second opinion? ...As a retired preschool teacher I have seen many kids who have had tonsils/adenoids removed...all recovered and bounced back without difficulty.

....I am with you...just tired of not feeling good. Calendula's story really helped me today. ...I hope you get better sleep tonight and catch some sunbreaks tomorrow.  Thinking of younJenny....coop