12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Happy me ... "what do I have left" ... very difficult for me to say ... so I will say everything ... nothing specific has cleared up ...

 

Rather, the quality or tone has shifted, many times over these months ... and when I get a break nothing is around ...

 

The experience of healing for me has been this shifting around ... and I have a baseline that is perhaps around 90% when I get a break ... and it feels like it has "stalled" there for many months ...

 

Many days I feel I am just going through the motions and I am not aware of anything positive going on ... and when I turn that coin over I am convinced that healing is occurring ... so I am in a place of "putting in time" ... and living day to day with whatever shows up ... or whatever did not show up ...

 

I don't have a "model" for this process ... nothing I can point to and say specifically what is going on ... I read the stories of those who have come before and have healed ... that and the day to day contact with the folks here gives me the reassurance that helps me stay with this process ...

[[Ha...]]

Nova, I must say I am sort of the same. One day we will be able to out this whole ordeal behind us... I also have a few weeks I'm free, then go right back into issues..  crazy, how this whole process takes and every days is different... hugs to you.

 

Happy me

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... Happy Easter ... such as it is ...

 

Yesterday was a difficult day ... and trying to sleep my mind raced with images, dream fragments and physical sensations ... and now this full-bodied pressure and aches is intense ...

 

Feel like I am lost in a wilderness somewhere ... and things will not calm down enough for me to get my bearings ...

 

Mostly the sensation of being squeezed from the outside while I am bloating from the inside ...

 

And the refrain of "what did I do wrong?" ... "what am I not doing right?" ...

 

And ... this will pass ... I just wish it would stop ... that I would be done with this stuff ...

[[dr...]]

Happy holidays to all.  I'm making a Passover ham today

 

Nova-usual thoughts of healing towards you.

 

Happy me-you are doing great

 

I just updated my blog and I'm posting here. A nugget might help someone or not

 

  I'm absolutely convinced we will get better.  Several people on a thread I hang around on are anywhere from 6-12 months ahead of me and several have written a success story this month. They were just as fucked up as I was  I'm actually looking forward to life again when I envision being healed.  Remember...this will suck on and off for two years.  Drop all expectations and just surrender to the process. Pass the time. I have been continuing to practice that along with not fighting my symptoms.  This is the first time I feel I'm truly surrendering to the process and amazingly it has taken a huge amount of pressure I have put on myself.  Now, I don't feel bad or guilty if I just lay in bed one day or JUST work one day and do nothing more.  When I get that crushing fatigue I just rest.  No pushing through unless I have to.  I highly recommend baylissa's book. It has helped me more than anything at this point(except BB).

 

My wave officially ended a few days ago after six weeks.  The morning chemical rushes with all the fun side effects are gone.  Now that I survuved that I know EVERYTHING is withdrawal.  I mean I knew it but that was the longest wave isince my acute so doubts came back. No crazy ass thoughts, perpetual anxiety, and much less headaches. My last migraine was ten days ago which is good for me. Not in a window more of a wandow but  thats fine. Hopefully I'll be able to get to one year with no wave but I have no control except for how I choose to react to my symptoms. That is all.

[[je...]]

Great post Drew! Happy to hear your wave has passed.

Nova- so sorry your still in this funk, its absolutely got to let up here soon for you.

 

I have really bad allergies right now, and it seems to have thrown my already sensitive CNS into a bad place. I'm wired, yet exhausted and my brain feels very foggy, my eyes are burning and painfully dry. This has been a very rough month for me. Ready for a big window! Happy Easter everyone 

[Guest [...]]

Hi everyone!I have a question,where does all this fatigue come from?Its just awful some days,I feel like I could drop in my tracks.Im usually very woozy along with it.I thought that at almost a year that would be mostly gone,but no such luck.Sounds like you guys are battling the same.I wish I understood why... :'(

[[dr...]]

2200-maybe it's our brains/cns needing the energy to repair itself.  Healing is a very exhausting process and I've alsp read brain trauma victims suffer terrible fatigue too.  My hunch.

[[Co...]]

Hi Drew...thanks for your post regarding acceptance of sx and going with them and allowing ourselves down time when we need it. I needed that reminder. ...and yes, ...w/d is the hardest work I have ever done and it exhausts me.

.....How was your ham..? ...you are sounding good and I am so happy that you are getting a break... coop

 

 

[[dr...]]

Coop-We all need reminders.  I have to remind myself several times a day. 

 

I'm going to start cooking it soon.  I did make a kick ass Chix salad from scratch earlier and tonight it will be maple bourbon glazed ham w jalepano/cilantro mashed sweet potatoes.

 

My day as meh...heavy dr.  Took it easy. My cooking/meditating/ walk/bath etc...really practicing that what I'm feeling is normal so just go w it and it will change soon enough.  The cbt also seems to be helping as I'm not responding to a new random arm pain and rapid hr.  Just symptoms on my road to recovery. 

 

[[Co...]]

Drew, I also notice better improvement and ability to tolerate sx when I practice generous self care. Like your's and Nova's cooking, my constant puttering and housework ( I really like housework...it's repetitive and kind of mind soothing) helps me separate and/or tolerate sx

....my goodness your ham and sweet potatoes sound delicious....btw.  I am still getting d/r too...it comes and goes throughout the day

....enjoy.....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... got a few hours sleep finally ... that sure helps ... getting into one of my deep physical cycles is still hard on me ... and for me the only way is to endure and let some time pass ...

 

Thanks for your encouragement ...

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova....sorry to hear that you have the physical pain going on...Did you make your hot cross buns? ...hope you found some chocolate eggs to munch on...

....Wishing you better sleep tonight....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... got hit all day yesterday ... did not sleep ... and still went on most of today ... got a couple hours sleep early this evening ... feeling better now ...

 

How have you been dong this Easter? ...

 

Did not do any cooking ... just hunkered down and let things pass ...

[[Co...]]

Nova, if you didn't cook ..it was definitely not a good day for you....this has bend a long wave for some of us.

.....My grandsons came this morning after church and we had croissants and ham and fruit salad and baskets with lots of chocolate. ...My d/r was not deep so I felt connected ..anxiety tried to mess things up for me, but I enjoyed my family ...even if it was through some fog. ....I was tired and anxious when they left ....but I am so glad they were here.

.....have a good night Nova....coop

[[No...]]

Coop ... 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... feeling pretty good ... got some more sleep ... except for feeling tired and a little "hung over" things are calm ... even the sinus stuff has mostly cleared up ...

 

Still amazes me that the last two days was all recovery related ... all I had to "do" was take my imaginary "endurance" pill, fasten my seat belt, and wait ...

 

Hoping we all have a quiet Monday ... 

[[Sk...]]

Good Morning ... feeling pretty good ... got some more sleep ... except for feeling tired and a little "hung over" things are calm ... even the sinus stuff has mostly cleared up ...

 

Still amazes me that the last two days was all recovery related ... all I had to "do" was take my imaginary "endurance" pill, fasten my seat belt, and wait ...

 

Hoping we all have a quiet Monday ... 

 

Great to hear that, Nova !

 

I am getting a break today too, after a very hellish Easter Sunday. Wd can make our lives hell and it isn't respectful of celebrations. Today is a holiday in Italy, we call it little Easter and people usually take a picnic wherever they can. The weather is not so good, so I am just taking my little dog  Jaime to the beach with Mr SKy.

 

My mom, still has a very bad earache and can't hear anything. She can't even take phone calls.  It is very frustrating for her, hope she gets better soon, but from what I read, it takes a few weeks to heal.

 

Have a better day, everybody !

[[No...]]

Hi Sky ... glad Little Easter finds you well ... enjoy your day ... 

[[Mo...]]

Hi everyone,

Putting you all in my pocket today.  I have made it thru the majority of the move with only minor sx... 3am cortisol rush and minor funk.

 

Today, unfortunately I'm feeling it.  We were unable to get everything out of our rental home so we put the remainder of items in the garage.  Hubby leaves today for a week AND it's spring break for my kids.  Physically I ache ( normal ache ).

 

The pressure of getting the stuff out of that garage and unpacking our house is giving me hot flashes and adrenaline.  We have had fast food only since Thursday which isn't helping. 

 

I've got all the prayer chains praying for me to find physical strength as well as mental fortitude to finish the task.  If I could get in some sleep I'm sure it would help.

 

Thank you for being there.  If you feel the need please say a quick prayer for me.. 'Lord, see mommy all the way thru..amen'

 

I am going to call the landlord in a few hours and see what can be done to minimize the pressure on me until my husband gets back.  If I can get some sleep it will help so much.  Trying my best to chop wood and carry water.

 

 

[[dr...]]

wonderful news Nova! 

 

Peace-sleepy thoughts sent your way

 

Sky-day at the beach with the mutt sounds great

[[Co...]]

Nova...bearer of good news and encouragement...so very happy to hear this from you. ..

....now go make something wonderful in your kitchen...and carry on...love to you dear friend...coop

[[So...]]

Hi Guys, I jumped the same day Drew28 so we're on the same timeline.  I got hit with a BRUTAL wave last Friday.  This weekend was stressful as we had 50 friends and their kids over to our house yesterday for an Easter Egg Hunt.  So much stimulation! 

 

My mind has been taking me back to my youth and recalling other times I was very nervous and stressed.  Damn, it plays such good tricks on us.  I've also been getting waves of irrational guilt over nothing in particular.

 

I could really use some encouragement.  Thanks!

[[dr...]]

Socal...I forgive you...now let your guilt go   okay...in all seriousness you know it's the benzo cause you're a good man and anyone with 50 kids not in benzo withdrawal would have their stress ramp.  Unfortunately, I can only repeat that you know the drill.  There can be no rhyme or reason when we get hit so the less we question the better off we will be.  Since you and I both work our triggers for waves are much higher but I also believe the distraction is helpful.  Hang in there my fellow jump buddy.   

[[So...]]

Thanks Drew!  I appreciate it.  Thinking too much of the past today.  Just gotta let it be.  It is what it is.

[[Sk...]]

Hi Guys, I jumped the same day Drew28 so we're on the same timeline.  I got hit with a BRUTAL wave last Friday.  This weekend was stressful as we had 50 friends and their kids over to our house yesterday for an Easter Egg Hunt.  So much stimulation! 

 

My mind has been taking me back to my youth and recalling other times I was very nervous and stressed.  Damn, it plays such good tricks on us.  I've also been getting waves of irrational guilt over nothing in particular.

 

I could really use some encouragement.  Thanks!

 

When you talk about being taken back to your youth, it makes me think of what I have been going through in  these days, in my hometown. I walk in the streets and memories overflood me. I also get the guilty memories part, the memories about things for which I feel guilty.

 

They are unpleasant and push us in dark places. I try to see the good in  this process, and I believe that this painful process helps us find closure on painful moments in our past. The closure of course will happen whenever we actually heal,  in the meantime we have to bear with this !

 

Hang in there, if you can talk with somebody you trust about the events you are remembering and if  you can't  speak to anybody, write these thoughts down, it does help a lot.

 

50 friends and their kids ? Sounds like fun if you are not in wd ! You have every right to be stressed, but, of course that does not make things easier.  Hang in there  and ignore those benzo thoughts.

 

I am off to bed, I have a bad headache which is overshadowing the fact that today, is still a day without vibrations and so that is quite a good thing.

The weather got bad later on in th day, so mr Sky, my dog and I got quite rained on !

 

All in all, a good day, sort of coldish  and wintery for Spring.

 

Take care and have a nice evening, everybody.