12-18 month support

[[Co...]]

Hi Green, yes they usually prescribe an antihistamine  ( mclazine)  and it does help some but it is one of those drugs that impacts your GABA not in the same way as benzos. Some people use it for sleep. But you end up weaning off of it too....nothing like w/d but mostly you have to just get through it. Some people have frank vertigo every day...Actually if it wasn't for the motion sickness I would call this a good sunbreak. Amazing how w/d toughens you up. Before benzos I would be crying and whining ...now it's like.. this is easy. I know exactly what it it is and I know for sure it will end.

..... Green, so happy that your wave is rolling out. Have a wonderful weekend ...Happy Spring....coop

[[Sk...]]

MIchael, my break was yesterday and it is over.

 

It was really nice, we went for a ride out of town, to check out a potential house to live in. We are trying to find a place that would accomodate my mom as well. Anyway, I get the impression that wd likes taking trips by car !!

When we were coming south, I was in a wave and as  soon as we started our trip, the wave stopped ! Could it be as simple as that ? Probably not, probably just a coincidence.

 

But you know yesterday, I did other forbidden things. LIke the sun, usually heat and sun give me sun strokes and make my wave worse. Yesterday, I got by, all in all, and mr SKy got a sunstroke ! That's how hot it was !

 

HOw undelicate for me to talk about sun and heat when you are in the worst winter ever !

 

Anyway, now it's business as usual. SIck thoughts too, so tired of those. Do you think your perception of reality is better ?

 

sunny Italy sounds so nice.  Is your move imminent?  You sold the house, I guess?

 

Like dogs, withdrawal loves a ride in the car, looking out the window, best form of distraction.

 

No way close to moving or selling the house. We were just checking a place out, just in case, and made a field day out of it.

 

I wish I could take only my dog for a ride in the car !

[[Sk...]]

Sky ... good to hear you got out and around yesterday ...

 

My "perception of reality getting better" ... hmmm ...

 

I think I know what you are asking ... so the response would be "yes" ...

 

What comes to mind for me when you ask is ... I am getting moments of happiness again ... and their strength and duration is increasing ... it has been a long, long time for me since I have felt any sustained happiness ...

 

And it does not feel like happiness due to anything right now ... rather a general kind of feeling ... "I am happy" ... it still comes and goes, fades in and out ... but it is there ... another part of this recovery for me ...

 

What I really meant, is do you thing you are assessing events correctly ? I too have a lot of moments of serenity, even bliss, but they come with moments of doom and imminent catastrophe. Like with my mum, I am suspending judgement of events concerning her. Before my Ct, I was comfortable around her now I worry and see death  around every  corner. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I hope to get better in that sense.

 

I have quit worrying about my own health, at least not all the time and I project those same fears on her and mr Sky. So that is why I think my thinking is still flawed.

 

Oh well, we are getting through this. Slowly. 

 

Sky, the fears for loved ones, I believe, are withdrawal.  whenever my younger son left the house, I was sure he would be killed in an accident.  that was last year.

 

recently, this week, he took three days off from work.  I went from rapidly thinking he was fired from his job.  to wondering what possessed him not to go to work.  I immediately thought he was on drugs.  went to obsessive worrying.  then spoke to him, got a good look at him, and clearly he wasn't on drugs.  then, unbelievably, I went to wondering, because he's 20, going on 21, that's the age for young males of onset of schizophrenia.  I read that some place.

 

Today he got up and went to work. 

 

Now, after all that grief, my rational thinking is  that he's 20, immature, like a lot of his peers (meaning less mature than I was at his age)  I think he doesn't take his job as seriously as he should because he's never been fired, and lives at home and doesn't worry about it as much as someone who has a mortgage.  In short, he's an immature 20 year old, and I had him in the throes of a drug habit, or in the alternative severely mentally ill. 

 

Now I'm pretty crazy, but not that crazy.  It's withdrawal.  that is definitely not me.  not that crazy.

 

Me, my obsessions are on my mother being senile, going senile, dying, dying all  alone in the house . About mr Sky, they go from being obsessed he wants to become a recluse, worrying he might become sedentary, be alone when I die, and on and on.

I had a fight with him on the subject just this morning and I am always nagging my mother.

 

This might be funny if we did not make our loved ones suffer for our worrying. 

 

Funny thing, I sort of thought there were legitimate concerns, that I was not making anything up. I guess it is a relief but I doubt it will take my fears and obsessions away.

Another new entry in my list of fears, was that my cat will have kidney failure because she occasionally eats my dog's kibble. It just goes on and on, this spiral of fears.

 

But, I bet speaking about them, takes away some of their hold on us.

 

I am going to bed now. I hope you are all having a nice evening, the beginning of Easter weekend. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Green, yes they usually prescribe an antihistamine  ( mclazine)  and it does help some but it is one of those drugs that impacts your GABA not in the same way as benzos. Some people use it for sleep. But you end up weaning off of it too....nothing like w/d but mostly you have to just get through it. Some people have frank vertigo every day...Actually if it wasn't for the motion sickness I would call this a good sunbreak. Amazing how w/d toughens you up. Before benzos I would be crying and whining ...now it's like.. this is easy. I know exactly what it it is and I know for sure it will end.

..... Green, so happy that your wave is rolling out. Have a wonderful weekend ...Happy Spring....coop

 

Coop, I'm glad you're weathering this so well.  Yes, happy spring to all of us!

[[Gr...]]

MIchael, my break was yesterday and it is over.

 

It was really nice, we went for a ride out of town, to check out a potential house to live in. We are trying to find a place that would accomodate my mom as well. Anyway, I get the impression that wd likes taking trips by car !!

When we were coming south, I was in a wave and as  soon as we started our trip, the wave stopped ! Could it be as simple as that ? Probably not, probably just a coincidence.

 

But you know yesterday, I did other forbidden things. LIke the sun, usually heat and sun give me sun strokes and make my wave worse. Yesterday, I got by, all in all, and mr SKy got a sunstroke ! That's how hot it was !

 

HOw undelicate for me to talk about sun and heat when you are in the worst winter ever !

 

Anyway, now it's business as usual. SIck thoughts too, so tired of those. Do you think your perception of reality is better ?

 

sunny Italy sounds so nice.  Is your move imminent?  You sold the house, I guess?

 

Like dogs, withdrawal loves a ride in the car, looking out the window, best form of distraction.

 

No way close to moving or selling the house. We were just checking a place out, just in case, and made a field day out of it.

 

I wish I could take only my dog for a ride in the car !

 

You mean you want to leave your withdrawal home!! 

[[Gr...]]

Sky ... good to hear you got out and around yesterday ...

 

My "perception of reality getting better" ... hmmm ...

 

I think I know what you are asking ... so the response would be "yes" ...

 

What comes to mind for me when you ask is ... I am getting moments of happiness again ... and their strength and duration is increasing ... it has been a long, long time for me since I have felt any sustained happiness ...

 

And it does not feel like happiness due to anything right now ... rather a general kind of feeling ... "I am happy" ... it still comes and goes, fades in and out ... but it is there ... another part of this recovery for me ...

 

What I really meant, is do you thing you are assessing events correctly ? I too have a lot of moments of serenity, even bliss, but they come with moments of doom and imminent catastrophe. Like with my mum, I am suspending judgement of events concerning her. Before my Ct, I was comfortable around her now I worry and see death  around every  corner. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I hope to get better in that sense.

 

I have quit worrying about my own health, at least not all the time and I project those same fears on her and mr Sky. So that is why I think my thinking is still flawed.

 

Oh well, we are getting through this. Slowly. 

 

Sky, the fears for loved ones, I believe, are withdrawal.  whenever my younger son left the house, I was sure he would be killed in an accident.  that was last year.

 

recently, this week, he took three days off from work.  I went from rapidly thinking he was fired from his job.  to wondering what possessed him not to go to work.  I immediately thought he was on drugs.  went to obsessive worrying.  then spoke to him, got a good look at him, and clearly he wasn't on drugs.  then, unbelievably, I went to wondering, because he's 20, going on 21, that's the age for young males of onset of schizophrenia.  I read that some place.

 

Today he got up and went to work. 

 

Now, after all that grief, my rational thinking is  that he's 20, immature, like a lot of his peers (meaning less mature than I was at his age)  I think he doesn't take his job as seriously as he should because he's never been fired, and lives at home and doesn't worry about it as much as someone who has a mortgage.  In short, he's an immature 20 year old, and I had him in the throes of a drug habit, or in the alternative severely mentally ill. 

 

Now I'm pretty crazy, but not that crazy.  It's withdrawal.  that is definitely not me.  not that crazy.

 

Me, my obsessions are on my mother being senile, going senile, dying, dying all  alone in the house . About mr Sky, they go from being obsessed he wants to become a recluse, worrying he might become sedentary, be alone when I die, and on and on.

I had a fight with him on the subject just this morning and I am always nagging my mother.

 

This might be funny if we did not make our loved ones suffer for our worrying. 

 

Funny thing, I sort of thought there were legitimate concerns, that I was not making anything up. I guess it is a relief but I doubt it will take my fears and obsessions away.

Another new entry in my list of fears, was that my cat will have kidney failure because she occasionally eats my dog's kibble. It just goes on and on, this spiral of fears.

 

But, I bet speaking about them, takes away some of their hold on us.

 

I am going to bed now. I hope you are all having a nice evening, the beginning of Easter weekend. 

 

I've recently been looking for my death packet.  The one with the insurance papers and what to do with the body.  I thought I was past this.  Good to know we're on the same crazy page.  And, yes, talking about it does help.  but it doesn't remove the hours and days of senseless torment.

 

I'm also very concerned about my older son, same stuff, reclusive, I'm leaning towards dependent personality disorder.  (He's normal, I know he is.  just between jobs. )

 

truth be told, I'm very concerned about everyone else's mental health, when it's my own I should be worried about!   Oh, I forgot, I am!

[[Sk...]]

MIchael, my break was yesterday and it is over.

 

It was really nice, we went for a ride out of town, to check out a potential house to live in. We are trying to find a place that would accomodate my mom as well. Anyway, I get the impression that wd likes taking trips by car !!

When we were coming south, I was in a wave and as  soon as we started our trip, the wave stopped ! Could it be as simple as that ? Probably not, probably just a coincidence.

 

But you know yesterday, I did other forbidden things. LIke the sun, usually heat and sun give me sun strokes and make my wave worse. Yesterday, I got by, all in all, and mr SKy got a sunstroke ! That's how hot it was !

 

HOw undelicate for me to talk about sun and heat when you are in the worst winter ever !

 

Anyway, now it's business as usual. SIck thoughts too, so tired of those. Do you think your perception of reality is better ?

 

sunny Italy sounds so nice.  Is your move imminent?  You sold the house, I guess?

 

Like dogs, withdrawal loves a ride in the car, looking out the window, best form of distraction.

 

No way close to moving or selling the house. We were just checking a place out, just in case, and made a field day out of it.

 

I wish I could take only my dog for a ride in the car !

 

You mean you want to leave your withdrawal home!!

 

Something like that !

[[No...]]

When I was up at the library on Thursday ... looking at the 20 foot mounds of snow and ice ... thought, this is how ice ages start ... 

 

A moderately quiet day yesterday ... no breaks ... some sleep last night ... the usual suspects around this morning ... ignored them with pancakes and bacon ...

 

Dreary, drippy day out there today ... there is a 90 minute sunny break scheduled for tomorrow morning ... then dreary through the weekend ...

 

Hope everyone is doing well ... be careful when you go outside tomorrow morning ... the Easter Bunny may have left some treasures ...

 

[[pe...]]

My brain is spazzing out. Feels like there are a million monkeys in there. So far I'm able to just observe it and go about my business. No doubt a little Xanax would shut the monkeys up. I'm so tired of this and at the same time I feel kind of close. I might let myself have a bit of chamomile to get through this day.

 

Boof.

 

[[Gr...]]

My brain is spazzing out. Feels like there are a million monkeys in there. So far I'm able to just observe it and go about my business. No doubt a little Xanax would shut the monkeys up. I'm so tired of this and at the same time I feel kind of close. I might let myself have a bit of chamomile to get through this day.

 

Boof.

 

That is the feeling precisely, million chattering monkeys.  or those mean harpies from last year.  either way, it's definitely not authentic me, not even  me on a bad day from hell.  it's hard to know until it stops.  I woke up this morning and the noise in my head was gone.  would love it to be gone forever, but I'll settle for a couple of hours.  have a better day!

[[Co...]]

Sky and Green...yep constant intrusive thoughts of catratophe....I had a much lesser intensity of it in early acute . As crazy as it sounds it has been worse in the second year. The pattern for my second year seems to be.. .waves are different than in the first year ...more intense ...and windows ( when I get them) are also more intense. I am not sure that I am happy with the trade off. I would settle for a somewhat milder but every day window and fewer and milder waves. But as we all know , like the Middle East...Benzo does not make deals... I did not have these doom and gloom and death  movies rolling in my thoughts before benzos. I didn't even have them when I was diagnosed with beast cancer, so I know this is all w/d. For me, the constant shuffle of physical sx trips the gloom and doom . Distraction does help. The frustrating thing for me is that when I catch a break and decide to get out there and do some things I get hit with a wave.

.....Peace.. yes the monkey mind...distraction helps me too, but it's like having an 80 hr. a week job.. distract distract distract..  I love it that you are feeling the healing underneath the shifting sands . How is your haircut?.....Such a treat to see you here. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Green...I usually get a few hours of peace from the gloomy doomy chorus ....some day these " voices in our heads" will fall silent ..  can't wait ...Will I know how to live my life without distraction?.  ...coop

[[pe...]]

Green- so glad you woke up to a quieter mind. I have a feeling your monkeys came to party with my monkeys. It's a real fiesta today!

 

Coop- my haircut. Thanks for asking. I cut an inch off and dyed out my gray strands with just a few foils. I went to a hair place that's very -green- specializing in hair care without toxic chemicals. I'm glad I did it in that - I feel crazy and exhausted, look thst way too, but at least my hair looks decent.

 

I am just in tantrum mode. Sick of this ground hogs day crapola! Hubby is exhausted too. We have a babysitter for tonight and my only thought about going out, faking another date attempt, etc is NOOOOOooooooooooooo!

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace...tantrum away....you are in good company...yep..the groundhog day...I want some in the moment spontaneity do what I want on a whim back....You really make such selfless efforts to keep your family put together... I am sure it's going to pay off big when this is all behind you...You gave me courage to get an appointment for a haircut...I love the lady who has done my cuts for 5 years..

.....Peace, I hope you can catch some moments of fun while you are out tonight..  coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...pancakes and bacon...yum..perfect day for them. I peeled the big crusty sugary tops off of some very unhealthy bakery muffins and ate them with a half caf latte. My eye towards nothing but nutritious food had gone momentarily blind. In a flying in your face gesture to w/d I bought a hoopty doo home cappuccino machine...so I can drink lattes in the morning...every morning.....w/d be damned. If I am going to be agoraphobic and clinging to my house for another who knows how long it's going to be teeming with creature comforts....

.  ..Nova...I hope you end up with more than 90 minutes of decent weather....literally and metaphorically. 

.....Wishing you a perfect chocolate bunny....coop

[[No...]]

Hi ... pretty lousy day here ... sorry, nothing much positive going on ... getting visited by "malaria" today ... it has been a while ... sweating like a mad fool ... and the sensation that I am about an inch or so off whenever I try to do something ...

 

Coop ... yep ... stock up on those creature comforts ...

 

Peace ... chattering monkeys ... they will get bored and move on ...

 

Green ... hope you are doing well ...

[[Sk...]]

Hi everybody. I just had a ridiculous accident. I was washing the dishes and I dropped my favourite mug on my big toe. I destroyed both in the process.

and the pain was beyong strong, and all I could think about, was to be afraid it would make my wd worse ! 

 

Now, I have a big blue bruise on my toenail and I don't know what I will do when I will have to put on  a pair of shoes. My poor puppy Jaime, covered it with puppy kisses, bless her heart. 

 

Anything else coming my way ?

 

I am not complaining, mind you, I had a perfectly ok day without waves. My thoughts were nuts, I had constant memory flashes that made it hard for me to focus on what I was doing, but that is normality nowadays.

 

Tomorrrow will be a week that I am at home, with my mom and I haven't managed to have a decent conversation with her. She has this ear infection and has gone temporarily deaf.

I have to yell, but really yell, to speak to her and it's keeping a distance.

 

THis is a situation in which I really resent wd. Since my Ct, every time I am around my mo m, it takes me a while before feeling comfortable around her. My catastrophic thoughts make matters worse, because since I obsess she is sick, or senile, I am always reading things in whatever she does, and that keeps us at a distance too.

 

I can't imagine life with so much deafness. You can tell she feels bad and in pain. Unfortunately these infections take time to heal.

 

But, I repeat, this was a good day, might seem hard to believe the way I am ranting and raving !

 

Peace, glad you  made it to the hairdresser. I went last week, it was  unpleasant and boring, but that's ok, that is consistent with before wd, that is one thing that has not changed ! I really hate it, I always feel out of place  and bored. Well, maybe there is some wd  involved.

 

Green, I read your log. I really understand when you said, you would hate yourself later for having sacrificed so much of your life to wd.

 

Then there was something else you said, I really agreed with, but of course, I don't remember it.

 

 

[[mr...]]

Sky and Green...yep constant intrusive thoughts of catratophe....I had a much lesser intensity of it in early acute . As crazy as it sounds it has been worse in the second year. The pattern for my second year seems to be.. .waves are different than in the first year ...more intense ...and windows ( when I get them) are also more intense. I am not sure that I am happy with the trade off. I would settle for a somewhat milder but every day window and fewer and milder waves. But as we all know , like the Middle East...Benzo does not make deals... I did not have these doom and gloom and death  movies rolling in my thoughts before benzos. I didn't even have them when I was diagnosed with beast cancer, so I know this is all w/d. For me, the constant shuffle of physical sx trips the gloom and doom . Distraction does help. The frustrating thing for me is that when I catch a break and decide to get out there and do some things I get hit with a wave.

.....Peace.. yes the monkey mind...distraction helps me too, but it's like having an 80 hr. a week job.. distract distract distract..  I love it that you are feeling the healing underneath the shifting sands . How is your haircut?.....Such a treat to see you here. ...coop

 

Holy Schmidt!! SPOT on! You describe it so well! Two things quick; one, you are not alone. Two, we most definitely ARE healing, and 100% healed is coming! For ALL of us.

 

Oh, I guess there are three things...

 

[move] :yippee: HAPPY EASTER!!!!!!!! :yippee: [/move]

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Happy Easter to you too Mrs....Helps to know someone else has a funky year 2 pattern. Yes, we are all going to heal...I just wish it was done last year...

.....Happy chocolate bunnies and Easter eggs to you....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, how are you doing in the jungle with malaria?....Hope you had some better moments along the way. How did your rolls come along after you kneaded the heck out of them.What are you cooking up for your Easter/Spring/Passover /Melting Snow Day ...?

  ...carry on Nova....chop wood carry water....and make rolls

....coop

[[Co...]]

Sky....so sorry about your poor toe...lol...some things are just every day life...thank goodness. ...I am so glad you had a day without waves...

....A week away from home is monumental...I don't think I could do it....even before benzos I loved being at home...I just wasn't afraid to leave it. 

....Wishing you a happy Easter/Spring....go ahead and have a tiny piece of chocolate...♡....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... tried to get some sleep ... in and out of dozing ... gave up ... revving pretty good this early morning ... ugh ...

[[Ha...]]

Nova are.you still having  issues too!? I know this is not what we signed up for. Its.getting old I just tell myself to keep going... boy o boy...

[[No...]]

Happy me ... still having issues, too ... how are you doing? ...

[[Ha...]]

Things still come and go, I thought a few times I was healed only to be pulled back down. So i guess I will stop guessing when and just deal with it... I lay down it get nervous, I will ha e heart palps or can't sleep. My head vibrates when I lay down... what do u have left nova?