12-18 month support

[[Gr...]]

Green, I don't think all early healers ( for lack of a better term) took or are taking adjunct meds for depression or anxiety or lingering sx. However I have read many success stories of those who are healed by year one or sooner and I noticed that many had through thier w/d were or were still taking a non benzo something to treat sx or underlying issues. Things like seraquel, remeron, hydroxyzine, Lyrica ,etc etc. I still consider that healed if benzo is not on board. Others who wrote success stories at a year or less came back later to say some sx came back and they still had a ways to go. I am not criticizing adjunct meds ( I just think at some point they don't work anymore and getting off of them is another w/d , though probably not the hell of benzos) . I also am not dispariging a y healing that seems complete by one year that circles around after weeks or months to set up tent again. I only point it out to support the idea that 18-24 month healing timelines really do seem to be the typical. I have looked at so many success stories and cried because some people are good and done at a year while I am a breath away from protracted. When I looked at some of them closer I realized that some had adjunct meds to offset sx. I see nothing wrong with that. When I looked closer it was apparent that coming off adjunct meds is not easy either. I actually combed through the 'other medications' board because I went looking for an adjunct med that would help me with the torture of health fears, dizziness and panic. None of them looked right for me, though I desperately wanted one I couldn't stand the thought of yet another wd.

    That's just my take on it.  And I think there are people who do heal in a year with nothing...and without sx returning.. I just wished I and all of us were in that group.

..  On the upside, I am not thinking that I am protracted until I complete 24 full months..7 more months. I still have an entire one fourth of way to go and I hope...hope hope that the rest of my healing happens in that 7 months because I am pretty sure that's all I have left in me

    So goid to see you back on .  Thank you so much for the honest, respectful caring posts. Your support along with everyone here keeps me going. Today so far is looking better than the acute of yesterday. You had talked me off the ledge of reinstatement a few days earlier and Nova and Jenny walked me through a panic like I haven't seen since early acute and tolerance. Again leaving thoughts of reinstatement in the dust. I would not be anywhere close to 17 months without this group....so grateful to every single one of you.  ♡♡...coop

 

Coop, we're in the same wave boat, lol.  it feels like that little boat in the movie Jaws!  yes, this by far has been one of my most difficult, trying times.  they all have.  but there's an absence of "lulls" here, I think.  IDK, really, why.  I keep thinking of Lostdog's post, I think it was him?, about shore being so close, yet being too tired, too exhausted to swim another stroke.  that about says it for me.  I hate to think of you suffering so, but I must admit it is soothing to me to know I'm not alone.

 

On the other med, adjunct med issue, I think I would probably take anything I thought would really work.  I think when I tried to get off in 2009, Seroquel did help with sleep, but I had to take quite a lot of it, and I was a zombie, drooling really.  but I was able to hang onto my job, so that was good.  and I was benzo clueless then, didn't know what was going on, and gave up after nine months.  As I said, I would take a med if I thought it would help.  But this time, my body and brain are so sensitive, I can actually feel revulsion at the thought of taking anything. I think my body is trying to tell me don't do it, and I'm listening.

 

Jennie said earlier she got used to just taking a pill for anxiety, insomnia, whatever, and we're paying a steep price for that.  Knowing how these pills work, I'd rather just wait for my brain to do it the old fashioned way.  We're almost there.

 

 

Yeah, there is no way I can touch another pill. Im definitely kindled. I took these pills for 6 months after my second son was born and looking back I was going through a very mild w/d  only I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time. Then I had my first miscarriage and got back on benzos after being off for about a year. I also drank heavily all through tolerance w/d, yet again I had no clue what was wrong with me I just knew that I needed relief from my anxiety. There is no doubt that I am kindled so I know its gonna take me a long time to fully heal. No more drugs for me ever.

 

Me, too, Jenny, me, too. Tolerance, drinking, and never had a clue what was going on.  If kindled means extreme sensitivity to all chemicals, then I have it. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... was out and about all morning ... except for all the mounds and mounds of snow and ice it is quite pleasant outside ...

 

Got back my blood results ... asked to have them done because I was concerned about an infection ... all this sinus and ears and throat congestion stuff ... been hanging around for three months ... all clear ... so guess what ... benzo beast gets the blame again ...

 

What's up with vitamin D ... I was low there ... isn't it a seasonal thing? ... or should I consider a supplement for a while ... doc is useless ...

 

Got the cholesterol speech again ... but my ears were so plugged up I couldn't hear it ... 

 

Have a good day everyone ...

 

Hi Nova,

I was low in D last year and my dr had me taking 5000u of D a day for 8 weeks.  Interestingly, symptoms of low D include insomnia and anxiety....both of which I had in abundance at the time.  My sleep started improving within a week of taking the supplement and I really haven't had many problems with it since.  I don't know if it's a result of taking it or if it was coincidence, but I think D is an easy and important supplement to take if one is low in it.  I didn't have any negative reactions to it, and at the time I couldn't even take a multi-vitamin without freaking out.

Hope this helps,

HH

 

Nova, I've taken a water based Vit. D all along, drops.  I sleep on and off.  I don't know if it helped.  but like everyone else I was very low and it was a supp. I could tolerate, along with mag.

[[Gr...]]

 

 

 

You are already a little unhinged ...having imaginary friends will not be a good thing".. [/]

 

Coop, I just had the biggest belly laugh I've had in weeks, months.    My Twinkie csw wanted to know how I knew the people online were real, did I ever talk to them.

 

Just wait until we get better!  Baylissa said she had to wait to be better before her family and friends acknowledged it was withdrawal, and not mental symptoms.

 

I had another try with my CSW today.  I told her I was having cognitive dissonance because she didn't believe me.  (not really kidding)  and I didn't know if we could continue, I didn't know if I could get past the fact she didn't believe me. 

 

She did a 360, started scrambling, telling me how this was a safe place, and I was very supported.  Lol, just throw that psycho babble right back at 'em.

 

We should get a group consult with Nova's sleep doc.  We'll do it on Skype and get a group discount.  Seriously, I was in a very bad way last night, and when I read Nova's good doctor post I felt much, much better.

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Just a catch up.. My physician appointment went fine...it was just a blood draw and a consult. My thyroid is off and I will have an ultrasound on it. It's not off a lot and I don't have antibodies to it ( some funky thing about thyroids that I don't understand)...

  .The consult part was not as positive as Nova's physician visit. ...My pdoc is supportive of my w/d, but I can tell he doesn't agree with me that I can still be having sx at 17 months. He was very politely condescending. He gave me the obligatory " you know there are many very good antidepressants that we could try".  I let him know that I wouldn't agree to any psych meds...he seemed to accept that and didn't push for the antidepressants from that point. He doesn't want to believe that my panics are w/d but he's not insisting on further evaluation. He did recommend an antihistamine for panic since don't want the ativan.  Got the standard on that, " you know many people take it all thier lives and are just fine on it".  I must look like a crazed woman  ( actually I am, but I thought I was doing a pretty good job of pretending to be just a run of the mill old girl). I know believes  I want to be be drug free and he isn't pushing ( too much). ..he is just not ' with me.

.  .This is the part that upset me:...He gave me the same lecture others have been handed about the forum. ...We talked briefly about strategies for sx and I talked up the forum .. I think he audibly clucked .. really. I was told that I needed to develop "actual social relationships with real people" I heard, " You are already a little unhinged ...having imaginary friends will not be a good thing".. They must all have a special highlighted passage in thier texts because he also insulted people on support forums with, " Most people on support forums are people who are unable to have successful social relationships in thier lives".  What the hell is all that about..I told him I have met wonderful people here ..that I couldn't have come this far without them...He dropped the subject  by pretty much dismissing what I had to say

    So.  that was that.  Some anxiety today but no panics. d/p/r in and out.  Maybe an 80% baseline.  I will take it.

  So blessed by every one of you.. thank you for all the support.. Wishing everyone restful sleep .  coop

 

Coop, so sorry. These people say these things and even if we do not actually believe them, what they say, sort of goes around our heads, and leads a life of its own. Our benzo thoughts prey on every small bad thing said and elaborate on it.

 

I don't speak about wd a lot, but when i do, I say that the things I learned from the forum were told to me by one special doctor,a very qualified one . You know, when in Rome...  Behave like the locals... 

 

90% of the western world is spending more time online than on real life but we, the ones who actually need online support, not crutches for our egos, likes and other nonsense, we of all people get to hear this spiel every single time ?

 

Coop, I got this speech when i was talking about learning a language online. I told a friend, that because I could not go to spain to learn spanish I went online to speak with natives and that was how I was learning the language. She gave me the same song and dance ! So maybe it's not  just about us being nuts or something, it's also a  prejudice  to the whole medium, idea ?

 

Just throwing ideas here.

 

Ok, hope you all wake up to a better day.

 

tOday S EEMS TO  be my day without vibrations, hopefully. Speak later.

[[No...]]

Coop ... Good Morning from here ...

 

Last year some time, I was speaking to a doc who gave me the "how do I know those people online are real speech" ... in one of my teasing moods I asked him "how do I know you are real?" ... things kind of disconnected from there ... but my wife thought it was pretty funny ...

 

We did the "Is this real" conversation for a couple of weeks ... is the pot real, is the rug real ... she finally decided on the "if I hit your thumb with a hammer that pain is probably real" ... 

 

I just don't know where these folks get off treating people like that ...

[[pe...]]

Coop-

You are so brave to enter into these doctor appointments. That alone takes energy and trust. It's good to get things checked out just to see what's what. I'm sorry to hear your doctor doesn't get it. I feel very fortunate to have found several doctors who get it. I just never go back to a doctor if they don't. I know that's not always an option. I've taken to carrying Baylissa's book around in my purse so I can bring it out as needed. It's strange that doctor's don't know how detrimental comments about our online community could be. I guess next time he mentions making 'actual social relationships' you could say, "I'd love to. Unfortunately the medical community hasn't yet come to terms with what these medications can do. So there are no actual in person support groups - so we're all just at home relating through our computers."

 

Glad you're here and hoping you have a sunny day.

[[Co...]]

Morning Nova... waking up this morning wondering if I am real...lol

....I think they are taught this stuff over and over. Love your response to the doc.. My doc is a pretty good guy if you give him a pass for having the usual ingrained doctor asdumptiond. He encourages me even though he thinks I should stay on the ativan...

....I am beginning to shake some of that PTSD that follows me around after a panic...but having some difficulty moving forward...but where else is there to move to. It helps me to remember that you had a trip to er not long ago with spiked b/p and are well and moving onward from it.  That is if I am to believe that you are real

....Have a good day Nova ....and be real or unreal whichever serves you best....coop

[[pe...]]

Jenny-

Sorry to hear your hubby is tapped out too. Again, wish we were neighbors so the boys could play, the hubby's could drink a beer and compare notes and we could chat or wave at each other from the windows if that's all we were up for. This is just too long for all parties involved.

 

I hope all goes well at your son's appointment. Those things can be stressful on a good day. But it will be so good to know what's going on.

 

Thinking of you,

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Green-

Did you show your therapist Baylissa's book? There's some magic therapy language in there. I'm sorry you have to convince her of your plight. That's just awful. I wish you could find someone who gets it so that they could be more if a comfort than a stress to you.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Jenny, will your husband go with you to your son's doctor appointment ?....Post on that day and we will all be thinking of you....Like Peace, I wish we were all neighbors .....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace!.  Lol...perfect come back...I need to carry You around in my bag when I go to the doctor. ...So great to see your sparkle on the thread today...love to you Might Girl.....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... got my outside choirs done ... and I am feeling sick today ... my lousy meter is hitting about an 8 ...

 

Gonna go to my slow down quiet place for a while ...

 

Good to see you here, Peace ... hi Coop ...

 

Later ...

[[pe...]]

Nova- 8 is pretty high. I'm having a hard one too always made harder by the sheer duration of this. I'm curled up in my bed trying to breathe and go slowly.

 

Have an appointment today for a haircut. First one in close to a year I think. That should be interesting. Urgh.

 

Peace2

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova and Peace.  So sorry to hear you are both on the rictor scale this morning.This just stinks that people have to suffer so. I am holding both of you in my thoughts.  The people on this thread are the bravest people I know...I beg the Universe every day to send us an antidote for this poison so people don't have to suffer so...sending love to bother of you.  coop

[[Gr...]]

Coop ... Good Morning from here ...

 

Last year some time, I was speaking to a doc who gave me the "how do I know those people online are real speech" ... in one of my teasing moods I asked him "how do I know you are real?" ... things kind of disconnected from there ... but my wife thought it was pretty funny ...

 

We did the "Is this real" conversation for a couple of weeks ... is the pot real, is the rug real ... she finally decided on the "if I hit your thumb with a hammer that pain is probably real" ... 

 

I just don't know where these folks get off treating people like that ...

 

That's so funny, Nova!  along these lines, I was wondering if they're somehow threatened by potential patients having online support?  And that's mental and physical health providers.  They want us docile.  they want us compliant.

[[Gr...]]

Green-

Did you show your therapist Baylissa's book? There's some magic therapy language in there. I'm sorry you have to convince her of your plight. That's just awful. I wish you could find someone who gets it so that they could be more if a comfort than a stress to you.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

 

I wanted to, but it seemed she had her mind so made up.  It's hard for me to challenge authority face to face.  I knew if I went that far, pushed it that far, that there might be hard feelings if she didn't respond the way I wanted her to, and then, like you, I would have to walk away, never go back.  and I'm not ready to walk away yet.  There aren't that many decent doctors here, believe it or not, in nyc.  mostly it's all about the money right now.  doctors, everyone, scrambling, I guess because the insurance companies are in control.  Medically, the care is the best in the world.  but for this, not so good.

[[Co...]]

How are you doing Nova?...

[[Gr...]]

This wave, as the Canadian doctor described it, has hit me like a ton of bricks, mental and physical.  It doesn't feel as intense right now, but I don't know if that means it's winding down, ending, or if I'm in a lull, getting a little break before it kicks in again.  So hopefully things will get better.  But there's still healing going on, I can feel it. I hate how the waves and symptoms feel, and I'm sick to death of the cycle of the waves, sick of the symptoms, sick of trying to adjust to the rapid changes in mental and physical symptoms, sick to death of it, but there is healing.  hard to remain hopeful, but imperative that we do.

[[pe...]]

Green-

I sure hope it's winding down for you and I'm encouraged by your hope and feelings of healing. 

 

I'm loath to admit my hope is in short supply despite so many improvements from a year ago. I have two precious days to myself this week and I spent ALL morning in the Internet looking for the magic cure. Every time, I do this, every time I have time off I go back to this desperate seeking behavior. Now it's related to the genetic testing I did (be careful Jenny!). Here's why: it's good information. There's lots you can do but mixed with benzo symptoms it's a muddle for sure. I'm just not up for more trial and error. I want the sure thing and guess what we all already know?!? There isn't one!!!

Oh, we'll except for time.

 

I could have napped, walked, yoga. I did not do a damn thing that made me feel better. Scratch that. I checked in with you all, good thing. Now, I'm gonna go get my hair cut and I might let them talk me into dying the last two years worth of gray out of it.

 

I don't know how we do it...

Peace2

 

 

[[Co...]]

Green, we should all just rent a big hotel somewhere and set up a sick bay. It just angers me that totally lovely people suffer months and months . I am with you with the " ton of bricks"...That's 4 of us in the soup today..you, me, Peace and Nova....God bless you Green for having a shred of faith left.. I am combing through the shreds of what used to be a positive  self to find some scraps of ' this will end'

    I am holding on to Ashton, Ian and the Canadian guy...all of who are adamant that " everyone heals"...Waiting for those words to show up. ...

....I am depressed and eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cup...so much for meticulous nutrition....this is "I don't give a damn" nutrition. Someone should have told us that we would descend back into acute cyclicly over 18-24 months. 

.....Thinking of you my friends...I am on the thread today ...doing my endless repetitive mindless housework. ...if anyone needs to rant...I am hosting the rant circle today.  Thinking of everyone....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace...me too...combing through all the 'Other Meds' and 'Alternative Meds' boards.  Looking and hoping for a post that says, " it makes it all go away...returns you to your previous self and no side effects...I have tried a plethora of supplements, vitamins, homeopathics , herbals and otc pain relievers... all no help...most made it worse in the long run...

...Time, distraction and BBs.  Wondering when I can have a glass of Chianti. ..to go with my Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.. coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... not a good day ... not much else to say ... just ride it out ... nothing else to do ... 

[[je...]]

What is going on today with all of us? I feel like death warmed up today.. Its been super windy here and my allergies have kicked up pretty bad, so Im sneezing, bad sore throat, sinuses stuffed up with head pressure--on top of that I have my monthly visitor with a nasty case of being an irritable hormonal woman--its not a pretty picture. I just want to hide under the covers today and pretend this is not my life. I honestly feel like this is so much harder right now than it was last year. Last year I expected to feel bad, this year I feel worse--what the hell? I hope this means we are all doing some serious healing underneath all this funk!

 

Coop--My husband cant make my sons dr apt because of work, I wish he could go for me. Once again Ill just have to suck it up and go, hopefully It will be okay.

Peace--wish we could be neigbors and oh yes Im sure our hubbies would bond right away, can you imagine the conversation-Does your wife do this or that?

[[No...]]

Yep ... death warmed up is a good descriptor ... at least the fear has stayed away ... and no panic stuff ... pretty much a full-bodied shake and bake ... and once again the more I relax, the more intensely I experience whatever is going on ...

[[Co...]]

Nova...so glad the fear and panic left you alone...the shakes...not fun. Is it backing off now?.  What the heck is going on so late in the game?. ..I hope you can get some decent rest after it burns out ....

......This is the most difficult work...we need some days off ....coop