12-18 month support

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Korbe.  Guess we have the same 30 pounds to lose.  Since I'm only 5'1" odds are good it's worse on me!

 

I have absolutely been on what I call the No Plans Plan since last New Years.  I cancelled gigs for appearances talking about my books (I'm a writer) and posted on my webpage that I wouldn't be making any more dates.  I've managed two or three catch up lunches with friends, but mostly I end up cancelling anything I've booked, so I've learned more than ever that I just can't make plans.  What will happen is that during a window, something will sound like a great idea so I'll be like, hell yeah! but  my window won't last and the stress of something coming up will be harmful and I have to cancel.  So far everything I've cancelled it turned out I was having a horrid day at that time, so I was reinforced for bailing.  I've lost a bunch of friends, but I figure I'll just be making new ones when I get well!

 

Luckily, my husband's understanding at this point (for the first year when neither of us understood this, not so much) and I can do things like go to a movie or out to dinner or to work in the woods with him on short notice.  We're both a bit on the reclusive side, so this isn't cramping his style one bit.

 

Somebody wrote somewhere about not coming out of this the same people we went into it.  I can see that happening with me.  I'm actually coming to enjoy facing each day with no plans whatsoever.  Lots of people have to go to work or push through things that increase their stress.  I did a bunch of that early on, and now I'm feeling grateful that I don't have to.  I'm just glad I love my home and my "keeper!"

 

Maybe I got this from my counsellor, not sure, but it's just using the words:  "I think I'll see if I can.......do whatever."  No beating myself up.  No bad vibing myself if I end up not feeling like it.  Just, "Okay, I think I'll see if I can get in a little time on the stationary bike."  Seriously, I have gone from bossing myself mercilessly for not recovering faster to being an expert in self-care.  I think it's helped calm my brain down.

 

Did you see there's a "freaked out about our weight" thread going?

 

FJ

[[He...]]

HH-- okay, since you ask!  A paper you have to write is different from something you WANT to write.  For my own stuff, I don't believe in writer's block.  If I don't have anything to say, I don't worry about trying to say it.  I would no more sit at the computer staring at a blank screen than I would go to the hospital to deliver a baby I wasn't pregnant with!

 

That said, sometimes I've launched a project and getting started on the day to day hacking away at it isn't always easy.  That's sort of the situation you're in now.  You've got this class, you must write this paper.  So here's a saying I have on my website and my mother has done it in calligraphy for my office. 

 

 

ARE YOU IN EARNEST?

SEIZE THIS VERY MINUTE!

WHAT YOU CAN DO, OR DERAM YOU CAN, BEGIN IT!

BOLDNESS HAS GENIUS, POWER AND MAGIC IN IT!

ONLY ENGAGE, AND THEN THE MIND GROWS HEATED

BEGIN AND THEN THE WORK WILL BE COMPLETED---GOETHE

 

Basically, starting is the hardest part so just get going!  Start anywhere!  I often write my happy endings first and then work towards them.  My memoir about withdrawal starts like this:

 

I am well.  Completely well.

 

Great.

Except, I'm lying.

As I write this, anyway.

I'm watching myself nail this down on faith alone that, by the time you read these words, they'll be true.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you!  I love that saying (they were EXACTLY what I needed to hear...just BEGIN already!) and I especially love how you started your memoir!!  Those words WILL be true someday soon.    Anyway, all I had to do was actually get started, and it flowed nicely.  I submitted my paper about 30 minutes ago.  YAY!

 

I did it all with a minimal anxiety, just some abdominal tightness, and a clear head.  Deep sigh of relief!

 

Love to you.

HH

[[Co...]]

Nova...this process would make anyone...even the evolved souls such as yourself sizzle in anger at times. I get so crazed with pissed offedness at times that I can barely breathe ...totally understand the toddler 'hold my breath' thing.

....You have been through so much...you are entitled to some right out there anger. I have no doubt what so ever that you will find your equalibrium and Sage-ness soon.

...sending you wishes for some sunbreaks tomorrow...coop

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone!

My weekend, that started in the pit of Hell, is ending in a nice window.  I had a good and productive day today: writing a paper for my class, getting several loads of laundry done, doing some cleaning, and working on a puzzle.  It's so nice to be able to sit quietly and work on a puzzle!  When I am feeling frantic from anxiety, as I was on Friday and most all of last year, there is NO possible way I would be able to do that. 

 

Speaking of weight, one of the upsides to this withdrawal process has been the weight I have LOST.  I am pretty comfortable with my weight right now, having lost about 30 pounds last year.  The weight came off because I was so sick with anxiety last year that I could hardly eat.  I'll take the positive side effect of losing my gut, though.    The trick will be to keep it off now that I can eat sugar again without it triggering an immediate panic attack.

 

I pray you all have a peaceful week.  It's a busy one for me and I'm looking forward to it.  Basketball games, a full week of school, and meetings.  I love that I can look forward to things without fear and dread again!

 

Nova, I think anger can be cathartic....as long as you don't stay in that place. 

 

Love to you all,

HH

[[Fi...]]

HH--great to hear you sounding so good!  And if my quotation helped, well, that's a little hit of dopamine or serotonin or whatever for me, so thanks!

 

Nova-- I posted on Satch's "I got screwed" thread about a CD I've found great for help with anger and forgiveness.  It's really very comforting.  Calming down your brain helps you heal, it turns out. 

 

Peaceful, pleasant day here, for which I'm grateful.

 

FJ

[[Co...]]

HH. ..I meant to get back to your post regarding health fears...wrote you a long reply and slightly touched ( more like breathed ) on a mysterious key on my new ' too smart ' phone and lost the whole thing...hate that.

....I read your post from today and you seem to be feeling better. I am so glad that you are. ...I am the same.. health fears have tortured me from the beginning of month 6. In early acute I just expected to feel crazed 24/7.  I had 2 trips to the er, one in month 4 and one in month 6. Once for pounding wracking palps and once for a sky high b/p and resulting panic. From that point on my health fears,set up camp. I have had far more physical sx in months 6-12 than in months 1-6....and every one of them triggers wild health fears. As well I feel that I am somewhat ptsd from the sx that sent me to er ...and the actual er scared me to death. I do not ever want to find myself back there...I have always been sensitive to environment .. but the er traumatized me. Like you, I know health fear will be my last sx to go . I am pretty sure that I will need some follow up psychotherapy for it once I am free of w/d. I don't want to do it now because I am managing so far without psych support...and I want to avoid the medication tug of war. I have been working with a Life Coach who helps me look forward and strategize for re-entry. She knows about my w/d issues but does not address them directly, which is really nice as it allows me to think about my life as a normal person . She helps me set small goals and opens up space for me to think about where I want my life to be when this is over. It really helps me believe that my life really will be normal again. It is an entire different conversation with her.  it's all about normal. I see her 2x a month and it had been a huge help..

.....HH , this is what I know for sure...in a window I do not have health fear...I did not have health fear before benzos so I am pretty convinced that it is all benzos...with a couple of traumatic er trips thrown in on top of it...

....I find reassurance in knowing that you battle health fear at 16 months off ( although I wish like anything that you did not) 

You seem to be struck with them after a panic and with the return of heart pounding in the night. Mine is triggered by head pressure/ headaches. In between waves and panics and mini panics we both seem to have significantly improved baselines....I am holding on to that for both of us. .. Hoping the better day you had today keeps right on going....coop

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ...

 

Got "sick" again last night as I was trying to fall asleep ... only a little lousy sleep ... and things are still revving this morning ... oh well, had a few hours "off" ...

 

The "anger" thing ... for me, if it is there, I need to walk around with it for a while ... see if I can find out what it is "attached" to ... I am well enough not to have to "put it aside for now" ... just need to watch ye olde stress meter ...

 

For me, in and of itself, anger is just an emotion ... an energy pattern that is in play ... and I certainly do not "act it out" ... I may "think it out", and that feels okay ... gives it a voice ... for me "word patterns" and images often contain a lot of useful information ...

 

For me, there is this interplay between "steadfastness" and "helplessness" ... and for me, "helplessness" is a very old pattern ... long before my benzo days ... "steadfastness" is much newer ... and so often during this recovery process I feel "squeezed" between my "rock of steadfastness" and the "hard place of helplessness" ...

 

Lots of stress ... and that does seem to be the nature of the beast for many of us ... this constant to and fro, window and wave ... balance and unbalanced ... feeling a better and better baseline and feeling sick ...

 

For me, I have an old photograph of the six moth old child I was on a shelf ... and I have the mirror I look in each day, here and now ... quite a before and after image ... and the interplay between these two "images" ... and the compassion I feel for that child is the same compassion I need each and every day for the image I see in the here and now mirror ... and the acceptance I feel for that child is the same acceptance I need each and every day for the image I see in the here and now mirror ...

 

Nothing new under the sun ... we already know what we need ... and all I have to "do" each and every day is open my heart to both "images" and all will be well ... yesterday's and today's suffering is transient ... loving kindness is the true measure of my life ... the cradle that rocks the child and the lullaby that soothes an old man's heart ...

 

Many blessings for all of us ... have a good Monday ...

 

Michael

 

[[Fi...]]

Nova--I like your idea of looking at the picture of yourself at six months old.  When we're trying to practice self care, I think it helps to step back at look at ourselves as we would see somebody else, as a human deserving of care and compassion.  The expression "take care of yourself!" is tossed off so easily, but we on this board must truly take it to heart.

FP

[[be...]]

Hi all,

Just a quick update. I had a filling at the dentist today and did fine. I asked him to use Lidocaine with no Epinephrine and he agreed. I told him the epinephrine makes me to nervous and makes my heart beat fast. He is my new dentist and made me feel comfortable.

This time a few months ago I could not have had a filling, just the thought of it caused me panic.

I was not in a wave and that helped so very much.

Whew, I feel like I walked on the moon or something.

The things we fear in this process is just unbelievable.

 

Much love and healing to all.

[[mr...]]

Hi all,

Just a quick update. I had a filling at the dentist today and did fine. I asked him to use Lidocaine with no Epinephrine and he agreed. I told him the epinephrine makes me to nervous and makes my heart beat fast. He is my new dentist and made me feel comfortable.

This time a few months ago I could not have had a filling, just the thought of it caused me panic.

I was not in a wave and that helped so very much.

Whew, I feel like I walked on the moon or something.

The things we fear in this process is just unbelievable.

 

Much love and healing to all.

 

Awesome Beulah!!

 

I had a similar occurrence today, actually I got a call out of the blue, a client requesting some last-minute consulting in regards to our business that we run on the side. I've never done consulting before, but I decided to go for it anyways. I went and met with their CEO and his staff shortly thereafter, totally on the "fly". 2-3 months ago, this would've had me "in stitches" lol! And although I wasn't totally calm/cool/collected, I did it and had a good time doing it I TOTALLY was thinking about Drew the whole ride out there!! Thinking, "Man this dude does this on a DAILY basis! I can do this too."

 

Now I'll be thinking about Beulah too...

 

Thanks for sharing friend! We are healing!!

 

Mrs.

[[pe...]]

Lots of great posts here. Congratulations Mrs. And Buelah. Those are major undertakings and I'm so glad it all went off well. It's very encouraging to read of these successes. They build.

 

Michael- thank you. Oh my. Thank you. You're perspective is so fresh, like drinking cool rain water on a scorching day. It soothes me and I count myself lucky. The six month old me, what a thought. The six month old anyone, what a thought. So disarming and tender. I hope this night is calmer for you.

 

Peace2

[[Fi...]]

I am counting today as a solid GOOD.  Experienced that "effortless mind" thing or whatever somebody called it where it just seemed like the best idea in the world--duh!--to go to the indoor playpark with my husband and baby grandson.  Other days just thinking of it would have exhausted me.  So this is a good sign.

 

Still not making plans!  I am done with letting this thing trick me into assuming I am now well, only to be disappointed when the next wave hits.

 

One day, one hour  at  a time.

[[He...]]

Great posts tonight!  Everyone is sounding so good!! 

 

Today was a great one for me, too.  School was really good, I got my paper back from yesterday and got an A, I got caught up on my grading, I made dinner for my family, and I just felt GOOD.  Not 100%....had some little times of "feeling the healing", but I was good. 

 

We are healing and these days build on each other!

 

Love to you all. 

[[Fi...]]

Yay HH, for the A on your paper!  Glad you had a good day.  I think I know exactly what you mean about calling the day good even while "feeling the healing."  Mine was the same.  If I'm pretty much doing what I'd be doing if I WEREN'T in withdrawal, I count that as good.  But just now, lying on the couch watching Gilmore girls, my heart was doing 93.  That's the old fight or flight thing, right.  And I was feeling a sharp pain right where I think the adrenal glands are.  Hope this is a sign of something good happening.

[[mr...]]

Yay HH, for the A on your paper!  Glad you had a good day.  I think I know exactly what you mean about calling the day good even while "feeling the healing."  Mine was the same.  If I'm pretty much doing what I'd be doing if I WEREN'T in withdrawal, I count that as good.  But just now, lying on the couch watching Gilmore girls, my heart was doing 93.  That's the old fight or flight thing, right.  And I was feeling a sharp pain right where I think the adrenal glands are.  Hope this is a sign of something good happening.

 

Aaaah, I remember those days. 90-100s at rest.

 

Just wanted to let you know that I, too, am sitting here watching Gilmore Girls. My heartrate is currently 72-78 (Thank you Jesus!)

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Dec. 2

 

The progress of our soul is like a perfect poem. It has an infinite idea which once realised makes all movements full of meaning and joy.

 

Rabindranath Tagore

 

*****

 

Allow me to presume to paraphrase ... "The progress of our healing is like a perfect poem. It has an infinite idea which once realized makes all movements full of meaning and joy." ...

 

And ... this "movement" ... day to day ... along the months of our healing ... this movement through the seeming maze of our symptoms ... confusing and frightful and distressing as our experience of these symptoms often are ... this "slow cooking" ... towards that marvelous, precious gift we are becoming ...

 

And it may be that we are indeed not in a "maze" ... we are not in an unrelenting place of impenetrable fear ... there are no minotaurs to slay ... there are no vines that will permanently cage us in a swampy copse ... these are only the siren demons seemingly beckoning us to "wreck" on shoals that do not exist ...

 

Rather ... we are held within a healing "labyrinth" ... a place the old healing traditions tell us about in their stories ... the image brought forth in our churches ... in the original "hospices" established to comfort and sustain the pilgrims our their journey ... each labyrinth has a beginning, an entry point, and an end, a culmination ... and within each labyrinth we are always safe ... this "container" of healing ...

 

And the "movement" we employ each day carries us towards this culmination that is there for all of us ... through the "weather" we all experience along the way ...

 

And as a wise buddy has said, "nobody gets left behind" ... we all emerge from our unique healing labyrinth ... as long as we stay within this container, we all emerge in time ... a "perfect poem" ...

 

***

 

Wishing everyone a good Tuesday ...

 

Michael

 

[[Co...]]

Great thread, I didn't know it was here. I have a question. I'm 15 months out and at the 14.5 month mark I got hit by the worst wave I have ever had! Worse than acute. I'll spare the details but I was bedridden for the last 2 weeks and am finally starting to see some easing up in sx. I was ready to reinstate it was so bad or end it all. I've seen a few other people that have had this happen this far out but not many. Anyone else? Could it have been the peppermint tea? The tea is the only thing I did different. I was drinking 3 to 4 cups a day 2 to 3 weeks before this happened. Thanks y'all.

[[No...]]

Cool ...

 

Welcome ... and, you will find some encouraging and wise folks here ...

 

Perhaps what you went through recently was "just" the wave from hell ... as a wise buddy once reminded me "sometimes it is just a cigar" ...

 

And ... when I start looking for reasons, or looking for a mistake I may have made, it usually only adds to the stress I am accumulating in the moment ...

 

Many folks hit a wall this far out, a wall that usually is described as "worse than acute" ... and it challenges "everything" ... and ... all the fear, all the doubt, all the "everything" is on the table ... and given that we may be exhausted from the many months we have already endured this process, the recipe for "giving up" is front and centre ...

 

And everyone I have met that hits this wall has gotten past it ... and once again it is a time thing ... eventually we find release and move on, just like all the other times ...

 

Go "slow" ... trying not to add more stress in the moment ... distracting ... getting out of my own way ... letting what ever is there just be there until it is time for it to move on ... all the old, too familiar, adages ... and ... it works every time ...

 

As I believe, our only true remedy is time ... we may use some "adjunct" remedies from time to time, sometimes useful, sometimes not ... and at the end of each day, it seems the only thing I have done that is helpful is to accumulate another 24 hours along this path to recovery ... and for me, that is not "depressing" ... sometimes it is cause for a little celebration, "I got through another day" ... now I am a little closer to my full recovery ...

 

Be well ... hope this helps a bit ...

 

Michael

 

[[Co...]]

Michael, thanks and very wise words. I have been trying to get through this and it is slowly getting better. It was brutal and has left me fearful of it happening again. Like I have ptsd now, it traumatized me. Thanks for keeping me pointed in the right direction. It helps to hear that it happens to others. 

[[No...]]

Cool ...

 

Many of us have this "fear of it happening again" ... it may, it may not ... we will not know until we get there ... and if it does "come again" we will get through it ... we always do ...

 

Benzo lies may be ubiquitous, loud, messy, and seemingly endless ... and in the end they just don't matter ... they just crash against our steadfastness and melt away ... we have the ally of Time ... we cannot lose ...

 

Michael

 

[[Gr...]]

It's just random, detached, physical anxiety.  I've carefully tracked these on my charts and it has now been over two months since I've had one, so that's a sign of healing.  The other thing is that I occasionally have the rapid heartbeat

 

FJ, the above is from an older post of yours.  You said you didn't have the anxiety most of us deal with.  But what you describe is precisely the kind of anxiety I now get.  Random, detached, unprovoked.  What I call a wave is when it morphs into tsunami, or the real panic attack. But that rarely happens now.

[[Gr...]]

wave. Poof it vanishes like that. I've been doing pretty well and I still am but I feel light headed and spacey and a bit confused. It caught me so off guard I went into health fear which is not a regular symptom for me. I sure hope it doesn't stick.

 

Peace, isn't that DP/DR?

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks ... went off on a full blown "anger toot" for about a day and a half ... and I think I needed that ... while the surgeon was talking to me on the phone, being all chipper and upbeat, all I wanted to say was "I told you so, and you never listened, you moron" ... and I didn't say anything other than "that is good news" ... gave my phone smile and hung up ...

 

I almost never get "angry" ... I am afraid of "exploding" ... literally ... too much "history" ... not mine, just those around me growing up ... literally petrified of violence ... that's another "book" that is out of place here ...

 

And I let it be there ... the anger ... wrote pages and pages for myself ... and the "outcome" is the realization this anger is mostly self-anger ... here and now ... doing "history" is not important right now ... need to stay with what is staring back at me when I look in the mirror right now ...

 

The "root" seems to be anger with my oftentimes state of "helplessness" ... and I am certainly not helpless as I know and as you have witnessed these many months ... "helpless" is my "black hole" ... a place where an overwhelming amount of "stuff" just keeps coming in and nothing seems to be going out ... and I just "collapse" ...

 

And ... here is the good part ... I can stay with this "manifestation" of energy and not get consumed ... doing "nothing" other than letting it be there ... sort of like riding a wave ... have not been able to be in the same place as all this energy for a very long time and not "disappear" or turn away ...

 

And "movement" helps me a lot ... some bits and pieces of tai chi / qigong ... some of my old "friends" ... so that is where I have been for these last few hours ... being and movement ... and in a wave as well ... seems I am getting better at walking and chewing gum at the same time ...

 

Long story short ... I am pretty tired ... need about two years sleep ... and I am doing well ... I am not in a "hyper" place ... going too slow for that ... things just feel "okay" ...

 

There sure are a lot of elephants in my room ... not too crowded ... everyone seems to have a chair ... and they seem to be talking in turns, rather than the "babble" of the last few months ... I seem to be getting some of my "self-listening" skill back ... adding to my "coherence index" ...

 

Time for another nap ...

 

 

Michael, I relate big time.  the crazy intrusive thoughts I tried to ignore all these months have merged into one voice, and I think it's my own.  And now the thoughts are examining every relationship, all of my inner demons -- I swear it's exhausting, and exhilarating, wonderful.  I read something in passing where Jung talks about vital spiritual experiences, causing huge emotional displacement and rearrangement.  I have to look into it more, but it jumped out at me.  I think that might have happened to us.  I mean, I'm feeling better, and I feel like myself, but I feel very different.  And there are plenty of elephants.  But what we went through, forgetting the horror for a moment, displacement and rearrangement, isn't that what happened to our brains?  I hear this "change" in some of the success stories, where people are different and stronger, reborn in a sense.  (Or maybe I'm crazy and a cigar is just a cigar.)  I don't know.  Now I have to deal with my special demon, the cell phone company.

[[Gr...]]

Green...hi sx buddy.. I have been following you , but was in such a lousy place I didn't want to cast gloom and doom all around. I had exactly the same experience about a week or so ago. I had a few days of feeling wonderful. no sx. nice happy window.. sure that healing was mine...next day . terrible wave that came in and set up camp for days ..

...So glad to hear you feeling better...We have come so far...all of us together..A few more months. 6 more months. I think I can do 6 more months..is it too soon to start planning the garden and look g forward to Mothers Day ...and the tulips coming up...and being able to predict and depend on our days.. So happy to see you here Green.  coop

 

 

Yeah, Coop, the new pattern threw me for a loop, not to mention that crazy-bad wave I had.  What kind of symptoms are you getting these days? 

 

Mine were all over the place, I went from the panic attack, to mini panic attacks, that started feeling like major anxiety which sizzled out in drenching sweats, 24/7.  I was so revved I felt like I had a giant generator running inside me.  Then the crash, depression, blah, blah.  I think the whole thing went on 3-4 weeks.

 

Funny thing, the wave thing simmered down, now it's just insomnia and aches n pains.  But I am totally, completely sure we're all going to get better, recover, move on with our lives.  There's not a doubt in my mind.  I'm not being Pollyanna hopeful.  I just know it!

 

Hey Green, still in the throws. The worst is still upon waking up. Crazy terror fear panic all in one. Constant thoughts,fear of not being able to make it through. Then later it may ease if not the depression sets in for hours. The mental anguish/torture as most of us  know,keeps me constantly on the edge.  It's been this bad now for months. Mid Dec it will be one year and I think

(cant remember much) sometimes it's worse than my first 6 months. The only plus side is I'm sleeping 5-6 hrs average.

Wishing you and all of us in this mess better days with much improvement.

 

Jrod, I am exactly one month ahead of you.  There is relief in sight.  The mad dog depression has lifted.  I'm not singing show tunes yet, but it's a lot better.  5-6 hours, that's good.  I guess I'm about the same, but my hours are bad, 4-5 a.m. until 10-11 a.m.  But I'll take anything.

 

Hang on, buddy, this starts to get better soon.  The last month, where you are now, was probably one of the hardest since jumping, for me.  You will get some relief soon. 

[[Gr...]]

Hi all,

Just a quick update. I had a filling at the dentist today and did fine. I asked him to use Lidocaine with no Epinephrine and he agreed. I told him the epinephrine makes me to nervous and makes my heart beat fast. He is my new dentist and made me feel comfortable.

This time a few months ago I could not have had a filling, just the thought of it caused me panic.

I was not in a wave and that helped so very much.

Whew, I feel like I walked on the moon or something.

The things we fear in this process is just unbelievable.

 

Much love and healing to all.

 

Beulah,

 

Thanks so much for this.  Just cracked a filling and have an appointment.  I knew there was something I needed to ask the dentist not to give me, and that's it.  Thank you.  Yes, I'm not too comfortable with the thought of the dentist, but any time before this it would have been impossible, so I must be getting better.  Thanks