12-18 month support

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... 4 AM here ... I tend to shut down between 8 and 9 local times ... and usually get two sleep times in  ... so I often miss the evening posts ... unless I am going through a little storm ...

 

The ups and downs from Monday are now done ... this is Tuesday ... wishing we all get some "quiet time" today ...

 

[[Sk...]]

P.S. Do you all think the holidays are a stressor for us?  This time of year, the families and all that?

 

I don't know about the stress, but what am I going to tell all those people that left me for nuts at the hospital and then did not even bother to ring me once in 13 months ?

 

I am glad I will be seeing my mother, I have worried so much about her, but I will also be seeing other things, my old life, that will upset me.

Sue, you did not have this in mind, but this is the first thing that popped in my mind. I have conversations, mad, angry conversations, running in my head continuously, with all the people who disappointed me in my ct just thinking about Christmas. But we have talked about that.

 

I was thinking of avoiding stupid relatives altogether this yea, out of fear of unsettling a delicate balance.

 

Sky, what you said in bold print right above, yes, yes, yes.  I'm having small, quiet, peaceful holidays with my boys.  I can handle cooking for just us, and I'm looking fwd to it.  I don't think they're too happy, they probably wanted more festivities.  Don't care. My sister kind of "acted out" already, and I lovingly decided "not happenin' this year."  And I'm grateful, I suspect being around family for a holiday with all the unresolved issues would certainly "upset my delicate balance."  And I'm looking forward to celebrating being alive and almost through benzo withdrawal.

 

And all those ppl who disappeared when we got sick -- Sky, I hear this all over the forum, it happens to a lot of us, and, yes, we have talked about it.  I guess bzd withdrawal lets us know who we can depend on.  I don't know how I feel about the ones who took off.  I'm not mad, but I don't feel much of anything for them.  Withdrawal changed me, I'm not the same person anymore, so I don't know if it's possible to go back and pick up where I left off, even if that were possible.

 

I know this is something that comes up for you a lot.  If you don't go, then do you not see your mother?  I think you're probably healed enough now, you would be fine to go, if that's what you decide to do.  Do you want to?  That's the issue.

 

.

 

Susan, I had this thing. At 6 months I really did not expect to have healed. But I did have this vision of me at Christmas, at my uncle's house, with all the relatives hanging from my lips as we and mr SKy told them of my hard experience. CHildish, very childish, I know but I expected nothing short of a press conference !!

It is the "cloudy! SKy that comes up with these notions.

 

Last year, we spent festivities alone,  my mother went  to her brother's place to eat and we were fine, it was beautiful despite the horror that was going on .

 

I haven't seen these people in over 13 months, they are all I can call family, the American side of my family doesn't really keep in touch.

 

All my life, I have always been the one to fight to keep in touch with everybody, but I guess I have to come to terms that these people just do not love me like I do them, end of story. ANd it's better to find out now, than when it is too late.

Of course, I am going to the South to see my mother, my harpies delight in telling me in gory detail all the horrible things that are going to happen to her and  she needs to see  me, she is letting herself go, it isn't nice to know your daughter is so sick and not actually see her.

There are many pros and cons,but I am definitely going, even if just to stay at my own house to celebrate.

 

Sue, I am so glad you are having a family Christmas, and avoiding your sister's negative energy. It is so great that you are able to get out to the meetings, meet people and speak in public. I wish I had that, it is so healthy, it defo is reentry. Here there are no such programs. You always go on about how you are not doing enough, but your daily routine is much healthier than my mine, all work and symptoms.

 

Way to go, girl !

 

BTW, mr Sky has a bad cold, and is feeling very sick and I am of no help at all. I hope  in a year, I will be more helpful, heaven knows he deserves to be cuddled.

 

Peace, you are doing an amazing job !!!

 

Have a better day everybody. 

 

 

[[be...]]

Hi all.

While I'm still struggling with the nasty waves I can hear an inner logical voice telling me "it will be ok".

 

I am thankful for this site.

I am so thankful for all of you.

I am thankful for no more benzos.

 

My prayers and thoughts are with all of you. I think of you everyday.

 

A funny for today- Where do cows go for entertainment?

To the mooooovies.

 

Hugs.

[[mr...]]

Thanks for checking in, HH.  Bad day, feel like the old pattern.  This is how I slide.  When I'm feeling at least a little bit optimistic and like I'm on the right track I can stand one more housebound day of accomplishing nothing.  When feel truly bad, like never got dressed all day bad, I can feel the negative, resentful thoughts come creeping back.  Going to watch an old movie we always loved--Raising Arizona with Holly Hunter.  Hope this keeps my mind off the bad tracks.

 

And Mrs--I started Gilmore Girls today.  I think it will be quite suitable for my purposes here.  But gee, if only I'd thought to have my daughter twenty years earlier maybe we could have had this kind of cute, chummy relationship

 

Its a cute series, I think you might enjoy it!! Although I think their relationship is a touch unrealistic, but nonetheless entertaining

 

Off to get ready for work! (Hooray?) I am grateful to be able to go, actually.

 

Mrs.

[[No...]]

Beulah ... good to hear from you ... and yes, it will be okay ... we just have to keep going ...

 

The poster in our elevator today says ... "I am getting of a age my train of thought keeps leaving the station without me" ...

 

Wishing you a good day ...

 

Michael

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi HH,

 

I think the way you described it was perfect.. First insomnia, then anxiety, and now physical.. All my mental sx  as of right now are gone and I'm just dealing with physical stuff. Nova, I'm curious about you too, are you still getting g any mental stuff or is it all physical?

 

Jenny,

That's interesting that you are in the same boat! The physical stuff brings with it anxiety and fear, but it's different than the anxiety and fear of earlier. What physical symptoms do you have now? I'm getting weird muscle cramps and tightness, some boatiness, weird tingling and buzzing under my skin in random places.

I used to read about physical symptoms and think how much easier they would be to deal with than the mental anguish of extreme anxiety. I don't think that anymore!

 

Hi, I'd like to chime in.

 

Yes, I'm mostly physical right after the one year mark.  The three weeks prior was panic attacks, mini panic attacks, cement chest and anxiety, insomnia.  Now at the one year, it's pretty significant muscle pain, whole body stiff and painful.  I mean I don't need to cry about it, but it slows me down, getting up and down, in and out of the car. Head pressure, headaches And underneath the muscle pain in the upper back and neck is the electrical shocks things.  And very, very fatigued.  Sleep way bad.  then there's probably some odds and ends but those are the major ones.

 

All of this I could handle, but there's a mental element here, this emotional instability, totally unable to cope, it feels like depression but it's not -- maybe it is --  that feeling like I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand being in my head or my body one more minute, I need to run away.  And I sob and sob.

 

And then late afternoon, early evening things settle down, I can do some errands, whatever, dinner.

 

But this is wearing me down fast.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I was asking someone about Elavil tonight.  I am very desperate.  And no matter how bad things have been before, I have never considered any meds.

 

I'm using every tool I have, I'm back to basics, but I'm finding this very, very hard.  And I'm doubting my own reality -- is it really this hard, or am I just worn out, can't do it anymore?  I don't know.

 

***Just read my own post.  The inability to cope is classic wave.  Emotional instability.  I wonder what causes that, what it is.

 

Green you just exactly described my symptoms. I've been in this soup for quite sometime and yesterday (Sunday)was the mother of all depression/desperation, all day it was out of control. I was sobbing while driving holding back tears of desperation at a restaurant and finally as well at church holding back as best I could.

 

The good news is this morning I woke up  jittery instead of terrified and ended up having a great day. Although some nervousness and tinnitus I was given a day to relax and put this back in prospective. When I'm in that psych storm all I think about is what med what supplement. It's just so intense while in it,there no way you can believe it will end.

 

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but very appreciative of today's break.

Now if I could only sleep tonight.

 

Jrod, we must be on the same wave cycle!!  Mine broke partially yesterday, today I woke up almost hopeful of healing, a little hopeful smile on my face!

 

Depression, desperation, tears, sobbing to God, the universe, anyone, please make this end.  Yup, that's it.  As Peace has said, it is inhumane, the level of suffering we endure.

 

I'm in a window, too, JRod, it's lifted.  A few aches and pains, but very manageable.  I guess I'm getting better because now I can remember how I felt and try to explain it.  In the early days I didn't have the words to explain what was happening.  That's why I didn't keep better journals.

 

Anyway, like you, I am profoundly grateful for this little break.  So enjoy your day, and let's hope we left behind the last of the big ones.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks for checking in, HH.  Bad day, feel like the old pattern.  This is how I slide.  When I'm feeling at least a little bit optimistic and like I'm on the right track I can stand one more housebound day of accomplishing nothing.  When feel truly bad, like never got dressed all day bad,   Going to watch an old movie we always loved--Raising Arizona with Holly Hunter.  Hope this keeps my mind off the bad tracks.

 

And Mrs--I started Gilmore Girls today.  I think it will be quite suitable for my purposes here.  But gee, if only I'd thought to have my daughter twenty years earlier maybe we could have had this kind of cute, chummy relationship

 

FJ, the negative resentful thoughts get me in so much trouble!  As hard as the "bad days" are, when you feel like you're backsliding, you're really not, you're actually getting better in those waves.  I never believed that.  And I resented every wave because it feels like the wave is stealing the little bit of progress I've been able to eke out in this process, and I would hang on, try not to let go of "my routine," and get very upset, very resentful.  I was just there 48 hours ago!  I swear to you, it's temporary, and you're actually going to have a better baseline when it's over.  Hang in here! :smitten:

[[Fi...]]

Thanks, Greenice.  So far today I'm better.  Flu-like back pains have subsided and I'm dressed!  Not in anything I'd wear outside of the house, but at least it's a step up from yesterday's PJs.  For a person like me who used to maintain the most elaborate To Do lists and calendars, this way of planless living has truly been an adventure in acceptance.

[[pe...]]

How this?

Ringing the bell again and I know you fine people have your own voices to answer to.

 

But how? I am exhausted and devastated day after day and I know I'm trapped in this until I'm not. I have been trapped for a long time. I don't want to anymore. i just don't feel like I can. And this is how it is to approach one year 'free'? I feel anything but free. And it will get better? Man, I need to see it in neon lights and hear it from every 'expert'. I just need to know this endless journey has an end.

 

Tomorrow I go to my pdoc to check in. I contacted him in an excruciating wave of depression and it has passed. But I'll go. Is there anything he can do to help me? Is there anything I should ask? He can't take away my symptoms - how odd since that's what he does. Unless he can't because it really is benzo withdrawal. So, what can he do? I'm afraid the answer is nothing.

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Jrod and GreenIce,

I'm so glad you're getting a break! I hope it lasts and lasts.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Susan ... I have to keep reminding myself ... so much of this is in how we "frame it" ... and trying to remember the "frames" we used yesterday ...

 

And ... "resentfulness" is another benzo lie ... and so is "backsliding" ... and so is "rescue dose" ... and every time I argue with a lie I lose ... it feels just like the lie is handing me a shovel so I can dig the hole deeper for myself ... and sometimes I do ...

 

Good to hear things are settled down for you ...

 

Michael

 

 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Susan ... I have to keep reminding myself ... so much of this is in how we "frame it" ... and trying to remember the "frames" we used yesterday ...

 

And ... "resentfulness" is another benzo lie ... and so is "backsliding" ... and so is "rescue dose" ... and every time I argue with a lie I lose ... it feels just like the lie is handing me a shovel so I can dig the hole deeper for myself ... and sometimes I do ...

 

Good to hear things are settled down for you ...

 

Michael

 

Just reposting this. I need to write this down somewhere.

 

Today, I suddenly got a break. I was bracing myself for another day of hell and I felt taken aback, nothing horrible was happening. Does anybody have this reaction ? I was not prepared to not suffering and I was taken by anxiety!! Come on, this is ridiculous !

 

Now, I am going to try watching the Bourne  supremacy. I so identify with Bourne, the amnesia part.

 

I really must give a huge THANK YOU to all the buddies who encouraged me to take magnesium, it really helped this time with my period, Mr SKy was so relieved that something finally worked. So he thanks you as well !

I will keep up upping my dose veeeery slowly till I take the right amount per day.

 

THAnks everybody !

[[Fi...]]

Hey Sky--so glad you're feeling better.  So am I!  I know what you mean by being taken by surprise.  In literally living my life an hour at a time, I've had to be prepared to realize I'm sick and drop whatever I was doing.  At the same time, I have to be prepared to be well too!  Suddenly I am making plans to head to town for a small round of errands.  This is actually kind of huge as I have only made it the three miles to town about three times in the past month and those were either trips to my counsellor or for acupuncture.  So grateful to be feeling better.  The minute my physical symptoms let up, my mind is right there ready to be thinking about what the hell I was trying to get done last time I had any energy.

 

Everybody who's having a bad day--remember, you could be feeling better again as soon as one hour!

[[je...]]

Hi sky-- so glad the magnesium is working for you, I hope you feel better soon.

Has anyone heard from Coop?? I hope she is just in a big window & out enjoying life.

 

Jenny

[[No...]]

Jenny ... haven't heard from Coop for a few days ...

[[je...]]

Thanks Nova, I hope she's okay...

[[He...]]

Hi Guys,

I hope you are doing OK right now.  School just got out for the day and it's now Thanksgiving Break.  It's funny how that makes me feel rather sad and empty.  Something about the school bustling with life and excitement, and then everyone excitedly rushing off to their plans.  Now it's quiet and rather lonely.  It's time for me to head home and gear myself up for the holiday.  It's just going to be the 4 of us at home this year....I wish it could work out to have a large family celebration.  I love the craziness of all the cousins and my siblings together!  I'm going to try and embrace this time with my family and not be bogged down with sadness.  I'm definitely feeling somewhat wavy, but it's not too bad.  Some anxiety, depression, and body aches. 

I should really be celebrating because last Thanksgiving was a disaster.  The difference between then and now is night and day.....even WITH me feeling rather iffy today! 

I just looked at the date.  It's Nov 25....Christmas is exactly a month from today.  I hope this bout of The Blues leaves quickly!   

[[je...]]

Hi HH,

 

I always get the Thanksgiving blues too, we don't really have any family here in town and it just feels kinda lonely.. I did have a friend invite us over, but I feel like we are invading on their family time.. I see a big difference in myself from last year too. I had heavy dp/Dr and was depressed along with a ton of anxiety. We have come very far! I hope your week goes well, jenny

[[pe...]]

Hi HH,

I know that mixed feeling of break time. I hope you are pleasantly surprised with a joy filled holiday minus the sadness.

 

I heard from Coop through pm and she's ok, riding the ups and downs off the boards. Full of love and fight as always.

 

Sorry for ringing the bell of doom earlier today. I'm trying to get it together. Slow learner.

[[mr...]]

Susan ... I have to keep reminding myself ... so much of this is in how we "frame it" ... and trying to remember the "frames" we used yesterday ...

 

And ... "resentfulness" is another benzo lie ... and so is "backsliding" ... and so is "rescue dose" ... and every time I argue with a lie I lose ... it feels just like the lie is handing me a shovel so I can dig the hole deeper for myself ... and sometimes I do ...

 

Good to hear things are settled down for you ...

 

Michael

 

Just reposting this. I need to write this down somewhere.

 

Today, I suddenly got a break. I was bracing myself for another day of hell and I felt taken aback, nothing horrible was happening. Does anybody have this reaction ? I was not prepared to not suffering and I was taken by anxiety!! Come on, this is ridiculous !

 

Now, I am going to try watching the Bourne  supremacy. I so identify with Bourne, the amnesia part.

 

I really must give a huge THANK YOU to all the buddies who encouraged me to take magnesium, it really helped this time with my period, Mr SKy was so relieved that something finally worked. So he thanks you as well !

I will keep up upping my dose veeeery slowly till I take the right amount per day.

 

THAnks everybody !

 

Sky,

 

Yes, I used to have that, where I wasn't feeling bad and feel anxious about it lol! No longer happens hooray!

 

And, hooray for the magnesium helping you!

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Hi 12-18 month buds ..I just posted a big long post over on the 6-12 month group. I just dropped off for a while . I became completely disgusted with the whole mess and refused to acknowledge benzo w/d in any way. Well we all know how well that approach works. I have had a few weeks of up and down and all around. Someone has to stop re- setting this crazy ride. I have been following the posts, but don't have a hope of replying to each. So I just need to jump in and start from right here. ..

.....Seems like everyone is having the same pattern of better/ worse better/worse..cycling through the day or week or hour.

...Sky ,I am so glad to hear that the magnesium is helping you, many people say that it does help them...

  ..Nova ..4am...that's an ungodly hour. I know because after some nights of very good sleep, 430 came calling..hopeless to try to go back to sleep. I just get up make tea and watch a movie..You sound good ..and ever our needed Sage..

.....Green...yes fatigue that feels like I turned into jelly..but beginning to get better.

. .....Mrs ..I borrow from your positivity every day..you are such a light for us.

.........

Yes..quiet no stressful people allowed Christmas for me too. .

...Going to bed now and hope I don't get up to inches of snow tomorrow..my dog balks and drags his paws and hates to go out...and then after we are out for 2 minutes he is rolling in it and trying to eat it and doing his happy dance. A lot of drama for early morning

....will post on again tomorrow and try to catch up with everyone.  Love to all of you...and wishing you peaceful sleel....coop

[[Fi...]]

Hi Coop--I officially joined the board in your absence but probably read your posts at some point since I've been lurking here the entire 15 months I've been off Xanax.  We're neighbors, as I'm in Oregon!

 

Just want to tell everybody that after a BAD day yesterday (although not in the total pit of hell) I had a GOOD day today.  The first in ages.  I actually made it to town for a few errands for the first time--I'm not exaggerating--since October.

 

I don't know, maybe that doesn't sound so dramatic, the fact that I haven't left the farm in so long.  I suppose people who write of being bedridden for months on end have me beat on this one. Frankly, I sometimes have trouble reconciling the details of people's stories.  How is it possible to be completely alone and in bed for all that time without some kind of outside help?  Where does the food come from?

 

Of course all it takes for me is one good day and I'm ready to put this behind me.  The temptation is to start making plans etc.  But maybe I'm finally learning.  Odds are good I'm not done with bad days and I have to not set myself up for disappointment.  I'm just glad to have had one day here where I felt a bit like my old self.

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... I shut down early last night again ... slept off and on for 7 or 8 hours ... sometimes I believe I can actually feel my "batteries" getting re-charged ... and I also feel I am short about 13 or 14 years of sleep ... oh well ... maybe someone else got some of it ...

 

No early evening "slam" since Monday ...

 

"Happy Thanksgiving" to all of you in "that other country" ... the one down "below" us ... looks like we are going to get a bit of a Nor'Easter starting later today ... that should finish off the last of the leaves and get us in the "winter spirit" ... bah, humbug ... I have this fantasy of "disconnecting" Nova Scotia and towing it south for the winter ... we probably have enough tug boats for the job ... maybe hook up somewhere around Bermuda for a few months ... shouldn't be too hard ... they did build the Panama Canal awhile ago ...

 

Well, off for my end of month grub run before the storm gets here ... hope you all have a good Wednesday ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

Hi Coop ... good to hear from you ... hope you get some sleep ...

 

FinallyJoining63 ... I know the "putting this behind me" ... feeling ... so want to be done with this ...

 

Peace ... maybe you and HH can "monitor" a classroom for us "slow learners" ... the pudgy guy in the first row is me ...

 

Have a good day, Folks ...

 

[[je...]]

Coop,

 

Good to hear from you! Missed you we are all going to make it Coop!    Jenny