12-18 month support

[[He...]]

Hi HH,

 

I think the way you described it was perfect.. First insomnia, then anxiety, and now physical.. All my mental sx  as of right now are gone and I'm just dealing with physical stuff. Nova, I'm curious about you too, are you still getting g any mental stuff or is it all physical?

 

Jenny,

That's interesting that you are in the same boat! The physical stuff brings with it anxiety and fear, but it's different than the anxiety and fear of earlier. What physical symptoms do you have now? I'm getting weird muscle cramps and tightness, some boatiness, weird tingling and buzzing under my skin in random places.

I used to read about physical symptoms and think how much easier they would be to deal with than the mental anguish of extreme anxiety. I don't think that anymore!

 

Hi, I'd like to chime in.

 

Yes, I'm mostly physical right after the one year mark.  The three weeks prior was panic attacks, mini panic attacks, cement chest and anxiety, insomnia.  Now at the one year, it's pretty significant muscle pain, whole body stiff and painful.  I mean I don't need to cry about it, but it slows me down, getting up and down, in and out of the car. Head pressure, headaches And underneath the muscle pain in the upper back and neck is the electrical shocks things.  And very, very fatigued.  Sleep way bad.  then there's probably some odds and ends but those are the major ones.

 

All of this I could handle, but there's a mental element here, this emotional instability, totally unable to cope, it feels like depression but it's not -- maybe it is --  that feeling like I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand being in my head or my body one more minute, I need to run away.  And I sob and sob.

 

And then late afternoon, early evening things settle down, I can do some errands, whatever, dinner.

 

But this is wearing me down fast.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I was asking someone about Elavil tonight.  I am very desperate.  And no matter how bad things have been before, I have never considered any meds.

 

I'm using every tool I have, I'm back to basics, but I'm finding this very, very hard.  And I'm doubting my own reality -- is it really this hard, or am I just worn out, can't do it anymore?  I don't know.

 

***Just read my own post.  The inability to cope is classic wave.  Emotional instability.  I wonder what causes that, what it is.

 

Yes, classic wave.  It's NOT you, it's NOT your reality.  It's a classic wave and you CAN get through this, just as you have all the other ones. 

I'm praying for you Sue!  I'm so sorry you are getting slammed.  I hope that today finds you some much needed relief! 

[[He...]]

Good morning!  I didn't have the greatest sleep last night, kept waking up and had difficulty falling back to sleep.  I was worried that it would be a brutal morning because of it, but so far so good.  I have some residual stuff hanging around the edges, but hopefully once I get going they will fade away.  I am just worn down by this process, and was definitely feeling discouraged over the weekend, but I am trying to put that 18-24 month time frame back in my head.  I thought it was there, but apparently I lost sight of it.  Green shared some of the success story that I gleaned much hope from yesterday.  It's good stuff. 

 

Peace, I am so sorry that you are being slammed this morning AND have parent/teacher conferences.  UGH!!  I will be praying for you.  Remember, you have strength more than you know.  I believe that you will click into your teacher mode and be able to push through.  Have you taken ibuprofen or such before?  If you have, and hadn't had any problems with it, then I would probably take some.  Even if you got some relief from the achiness it would help a lot.

 

Nova, congratulations on putting month 13 behind you!! I hope 14 is the magic number for you! 

 

Love to you all,

HH

[[Fi...]]

Peace--you're a teacher too?  I admire you and HealingHope so much for being able to soldier through on this.  It certainly makes me count my blessings that I don't have to go out and be "on" like that.  I do not like to get too far away from my heating pad!

 

Greenice, are you there?  Get through the night okay?  I was thinking about you.

 

I had a bit of a bad night, the old upper back aches settling in just as it was time to go to sleep.  Waking up achy, feeling I've taken a turn in the wrong direction.  Just hope I can stay steady psychologically.

 

Nova, thanks for being there for everybody.

 

FJ

[[Gr...]]

GreenIce

All of this I could handle, but there's a mental element here, this emotional instability, totally unable to cope, it feels like depression but it's not -- maybe it is -- that feeling like I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand being in my head or my body one more minute, I need to run away.  And I sob and sob.

 

The last two nights have been this way for me. My thoughts were so embarassing, it was like I was caught up in this huge joke, I wanted out. I did not want to obess about what I was wearing at 16 on my birthday, and other similarly irrelevant thoughts that are so gripping, I wanted to read my book ! And negative thoughts, and and and.

I tend to forget that there is nothing normal about these thoughts, I have had them for so long, a part of my mind thinks this is the real me.

 

Now, is better, but at night it has been brutal.

 

Sky, I don't like the physical stuff, but it's the mental stuff that breaks me. Hang in there, it's not real, it's not you.  You'll get a break soon.

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning ...

 

You Folks are helping to keep me "centered" and "in the game" ... thank you ... you all are my "rescue dose" ... and I am my own "rescue dose" ... both are "working" now ...

 

For me, that is the significant difference between "now" and "then" ... "I" am functional when the "storms" are passing over ... in the past I "lost it" so many times ... now I seem to be able to "hang on" with a moderately "sure grip" ...

 

I suspect it is the "relentlessness" of this stuff that brings us to the "edge" so often ... and yes, we are very exhausted ... and yes, we are extraordinarily resilient ...

 

Got the image of the old "Gumby" character ... always being stretched and pulled, always coming back to its centre ...

 

Realized in finished 13 months yesterday ... hadn't even thought about it until this morning ... here is hoping for lucky 14 ... 

 

Hope we all have a "quiet" Monday ...

 

Michael

 

 

Michael, you help keep me centered and in the game, you have no idea how much.  congratulations starting month 14.  There is an end in sight.

[[Gr...]]

Peace--you're a teacher too?  I admire you and HealingHope so much for being able to soldier through on this.  It certainly makes me count my blessings that I don't have to go out and be "on" like that.  I do not like to get too far away from my heating pad!

 

Greenice, are you there?  Get through the night okay?  I was thinking about you.

 

I had a bit of a bad night, the old upper back aches settling in just as it was time to go to sleep.  Waking up achy, feeling I've taken a turn in the wrong direction.  Just hope I can stay steady psychologically.

 

Nova, thanks for being there for everybody.

 

FJ

 

FJ, I'm so sorry, your wrong turn.  But remember we usually feel a lot better after these wrong turns, waves, whatever we call them.  and you will, too. 

 

Peace, you too.  the benzo flu can stop on a dime, leaving you scratching your head trying to figure out what that was about.  I hope that happens for you.

 

HH, I want to thank you, you're right, classic wave. 

 

fell asleep maybe 3, 3:30, but real sleep, up at 10, and knew immediately, it was gone  The existential psychic agony, that is the stuff my waves are made of, not the individual symptoms, it was gone, at least for today.  There's something that happens in the brain, and I would love it if someone could explain what that is.  Less than 12 hours ago, I was wandering around looking for some psych med to put me out of my misery.  The only thing holding me back was Cupcake's post, the one about ppl who take lots of meds might end up protracted.  While I was in my misery I was begging God for a burning bush, looking for a sign, and it was Cupcake's post I found. 

 

I am so grateful for this reprieve, this relief.  I'm going to celebrate by going food shopping! 

 

Feel better everyone.

 

P.S.  Do you all think the holidays are a stressor for us?  This time of year, the families and all that?

 

 

[[No...]]

Green ... the only end in sight around here  :smitten:is my own when I look in the mirror ... 

 

And yes ... we are getting there ...

 

And have a wonderful celebratory day ... I went food shopping this morning ... seems we are going to get a few days of weather around here ... wind and rain and snow culminating in a Nor'Easter on Thursday ...

 

Have a good day, Sue ...

 

[[Sk...]]

P.S. Do you all think the holidays are a stressor for us?  This time of year, the families and all that?

 

I don't know about the stress, but what am I going to tell all those people that left me for nuts at the hospital and then did not even bother to ring me once in 13 months ?

 

I am glad I will be seeing my mother, I have worried so much about her, but I will also be seeing other things, my old life, that will upset me.

Sue, you did not have this in mind, but this is the first thing that popped in my mind. I have conversations, mad, angry conversations, running in my head continuously, with all the people who disappointed me in my ct just thinking about Christmas. But we have talked about that.

 

I was thinking of avoiding stupid relatives altogether this yea, out of fear of unsettling a delicate balance.

[[Fi...]]

Susan, I know just what you're talking about with the existential anguish and I am SO GLAD to hear that it has now lifted. 

 

FJ

[[Fi...]]

No existential anguish here, but definitely a step backward.  Just lying around feeling like I have the flu with body aches.  Trying not to listen to the brain harpies going, "See?  You're NEVER going to get well."

[[Gr...]]

P.S. Do you all think the holidays are a stressor for us?  This time of year, the families and all that?

 

I don't know about the stress, but what am I going to tell all those people that left me for nuts at the hospital and then did not even bother to ring me once in 13 months ?

 

I am glad I will be seeing my mother, I have worried so much about her, but I will also be seeing other things, my old life, that will upset me.

Sue, you did not have this in mind, but this is the first thing that popped in my mind. I have conversations, mad, angry conversations, running in my head continuously, with all the people who disappointed me in my ct just thinking about Christmas. But we have talked about that.

 

I was thinking of avoiding stupid relatives altogether this yea, out of fear of unsettling a delicate balance.

 

Sky, what you said in bold print right above, yes, yes, yes.  I'm having small, quiet, peaceful holidays with my boys.  I can handle cooking for just us, and I'm looking fwd to it.  I don't think they're too happy, they probably wanted more festivities.  Don't care. My sister kind of "acted out" already, and I lovingly decided "not happenin' this year."  And I'm grateful, I suspect being around family for a holiday with all the unresolved issues would certainly "upset my delicate balance."  And I'm looking forward to celebrating being alive and almost through benzo withdrawal.

 

And all those ppl who disappeared when we got sick -- Sky, I hear this all over the forum, it happens to a lot of us, and, yes, we have talked about it.  I guess bzd withdrawal lets us know who we can depend on.  I don't know how I feel about the ones who took off.  I'm not mad, but I don't feel much of anything for them.  Withdrawal changed me, I'm not the same person anymore, so I don't know if it's possible to go back and pick up where I left off, even if that were possible.

 

I know this is something that comes up for you a lot.  If you don't go, then do you not see your mother?  I think you're probably healed enough now, you would be fine to go, if that's what you decide to do.  Do you want to?  That's the issue.

 

. 

[[je...]]

Hi green,

Thanks for posting that link, I read it earlier and thought it was perfect for all of us on here. I know your having a tough time, but you got to remember a lot of people reinstate benzos or some other psych drug because after 6 months or 1 year they are still suffering-- so they go back on the meds and if they would have just toughed it out a little bit longer they would have healed. We all heal period. We just don't know when... I can tell you that from 12 months to 14 months I'm seeing big improvements, and the same will be for you-- maybe not the same time frame, but you will turn a corner and feel better too. Hugs, jenny

[[Gr...]]

Green ... the only end in sight around here  :smitten:is my own when I look in the mirror ... 

 

And yes ... we are getting there ...

 

And have a wonderful celebratory day ... I went food shopping this morning ... seems we are going to get a few days of weather around here ... wind and rain and snow culminating in a Nor'Easter on Thursday ...

 

Have a good day, Sue ...

 

 

Michael, is Thanksgiving celebrated in Canada?  And we're getting that storm Wed night.  I don't know about snow, though, it was 70 degrees today.

[[je...]]

Hi Peace,

How did your day go? Thinking of you, you are very strong 

[[Gr...]]

No existential anguish here, but definitely a step backward.  Just lying around feeling like I have the flu with body aches.  Trying not to listen to the brain harpies going, "See?  You're NEVER going to get well."

 

FJ, I love that you call them harpies -- when I heard that I knew it was perfect, weird little witches.  They lie. I just came out of that demonically possessed state I call a wave, and while I have some aches and pains, there is no doubt, no doubt in my mind that every one of us is going to get better.  And it's going to happen while we're on this thread, anywhere from now to 24 months.  As dezlaz's post said, 18 is the magic number, some a little before, some a little after. The flu with body aches, as I said before, that can lift pretty quick, leave you wondering what happened.

 

Take good care. 

Sending hugs and healing energy.

[[pe...]]

Jenny! It's good to 'see' you. It's better to hear of your improvements over the last few months.

I am so confused. I alternate between feeling 'better' and feeling 'worse'. I say to my husband almost everyday, "I know this is better." Because I can remember getting lost on my way to work in September, floating around an art fair in August with my two sons and praying we'd find their father before I fell over or drifted into space. I know how bad it has been and this is bad too, but that was worse.

 

Today. Oh, my. Today. was. hard. I blanked for a few conferences, had nearly nothing to say except your child is doing fine. Which is true, but empty and no examples because I couldn't remember - anything.

At some point, a few conferences in, a chatty mom came in and it opened me up and it got easier. But I am exhausted and I start again at 8:00 in the morning and go to 2:30.

 

I just want to hold every one of your hands, just close my eyes and hold your hands and hope for better days for all of us.

 

I will close my eyes and hope.

Peace2

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi green,

Thanks for posting that link, I read it earlier and thought it was perfect for all of us on here. I know your having a tough time, but you got to remember a lot of people reinstate benzos or some other psych drug because after 6 months or 1 year they are still suffering-- so they go back on the meds and if they would have just toughed it out a little bit longer they would have healed. We all heal period. We just don't know when... I can tell you that from 12 months to 14 months I'm seeing big improvements, and the same will be for you-- maybe not the same time frame, but you will turn a corner and feel better too. Hugs, jenny

 

Jenny,

 

thanks so much!  I've got aches and pains but the crazy desperation to reinstate, seek psych meds, that went away today. So I guess I'm hunkered down for the duration.  I hope.  The crazy harpies can come back, we know.  That "one-year" milestone can be a very dangerous place.  Everything I thought I knew about BZD w/d, right out the window.

 

You're sounding really good, 12-14 months, hmm, let's see what happens!

 

Thank you so much for your support.  I can't put a price on it, I mean that.

[[Gr...]]

Jenny! It's good to 'see' you. It's better to hear of your improvements over the last few months.

I am so confused. I alternate between feeling 'better' and feeling 'worse'. I say to my husband almost everyday, "I know this is better." Because I can remember getting lost on my way to work in September, floating around an art fair in August with my two sons and praying we'd find their father before I fell over or drifted into space. I know how bad it has been and this is bad too, but that was worse.

 

Today. Oh, my. Today. was. hard. I blanked for a few conferences, had nearly nothing to say except your child is doing fine. Which is true, but empty and no examples because I couldn't remember - anything.

At some point, a few conferences in, a chatty mom came in and it opened me up and it got easier. But I am exhausted and I start again at 8:00 in the morning and go to 2:30.

 

I just want to hold every one of your hands, just close my eyes and hold your hands and hope for better days for all of us.

 

I will close my eyes and hope.

Peace2

 

Peace, hold on tight.  You've got a little vacation coming, from school.  You really did this.  Against all the odds, somehow, unbelievably, you did it.  You made it through to Thanksgiving.  then just a couple of weeks until x-mas break.  You did it.  Remember when school started last fall, you never thought you could do it.

 

you're a lot stronger than I am, and I know I'm strong, I've been through a lot, and you leave me in the dust.  I never, never could have gotten up and did what you did.  what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  It didn't kill you, Peace.  You did it.

[[...]]

Hi HH,

 

I think the way you described it was perfect.. First insomnia, then anxiety, and now physical.. All my mental sx  as of right now are gone and I'm just dealing with physical stuff. Nova, I'm curious about you too, are you still getting g any mental stuff or is it all physical?

 

Jenny,

That's interesting that you are in the same boat! The physical stuff brings with it anxiety and fear, but it's different than the anxiety and fear of earlier. What physical symptoms do you have now? I'm getting weird muscle cramps and tightness, some boatiness, weird tingling and buzzing under my skin in random places.

I used to read about physical symptoms and think how much easier they would be to deal with than the mental anguish of extreme anxiety. I don't think that anymore!

 

Hi, I'd like to chime in.

 

Yes, I'm mostly physical right after the one year mark.  The three weeks prior was panic attacks, mini panic attacks, cement chest and anxiety, insomnia.  Now at the one year, it's pretty significant muscle pain, whole body stiff and painful.  I mean I don't need to cry about it, but it slows me down, getting up and down, in and out of the car. Head pressure, headaches And underneath the muscle pain in the upper back and neck is the electrical shocks things.  And very, very fatigued.  Sleep way bad.  then there's probably some odds and ends but those are the major ones.

 

All of this I could handle, but there's a mental element here, this emotional instability, totally unable to cope, it feels like depression but it's not -- maybe it is --  that feeling like I can't stand this anymore, I can't stand being in my head or my body one more minute, I need to run away.  And I sob and sob.

 

And then late afternoon, early evening things settle down, I can do some errands, whatever, dinner.

 

But this is wearing me down fast.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  I was asking someone about Elavil tonight.  I am very desperate.  And no matter how bad things have been before, I have never considered any meds.

 

I'm using every tool I have, I'm back to basics, but I'm finding this very, very hard.  And I'm doubting my own reality -- is it really this hard, or am I just worn out, can't do it anymore?  I don't know.

 

***Just read my own post.  The inability to cope is classic wave.  Emotional instability.  I wonder what causes that, what it is.

 

Green you just exactly described my symptoms. I've been in this soup for quite sometime and yesterday (Sunday)was the mother of all depression/desperation, all day it was out of control. I was sobbing while driving holding back tears of desperation at a restaurant and finally as well at church holding back as best I could.

 

The good news is this morning I woke up  jittery instead of terrified and ended up having a great day. Although some nervousness and tinnitus I was given a day to relax and put this back in prospective. When I'm in that psych storm all I think about is what med what supplement. It's just so intense while in it,there no way you can believe it will end.

 

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but very appreciative of today's break.

Now if I could only sleep tonight.

 

 

[[je...]]

Great news jrod!

Peace, what green said is so true! You are very strong despite how you feel. Your doing it, everyday you are showing up and doing it. You have come so far since this summer when you didn't think you could keep up with your job pace. You should be very proud of yourself, I know I am! Just a few more days and you get Thanksgiving break, you can do this! Jenny

[[He...]]

No existential anguish here, but definitely a step backward.  Just lying around feeling like I have the flu with body aches.  Trying not to listen to the brain harpies going, "See?  You're NEVER going to get well."

 

Oh shoot, FJ, I'm sorry that your day was a step backward.  Stupid brain harpies!  Don't listen to them...they LIE.

I hope you have a decent night's sleep and wake up feeling good!

 

[[Fi...]]

Thanks for checking in, HH.  Bad day, feel like the old pattern.  This is how I slide.  When I'm feeling at least a little bit optimistic and like I'm on the right track I can stand one more housebound day of accomplishing nothing.  When feel truly bad, like never got dressed all day bad, I can feel the negative, resentful thoughts come creeping back.  Going to watch an old movie we always loved--Raising Arizona with Holly Hunter.  Hope this keeps my mind off the bad tracks.

 

And Mrs--I started Gilmore Girls today.  I think it will be quite suitable for my purposes here.  But gee, if only I'd thought to have my daughter twenty years earlier maybe we could have had this kind of cute, chummy relationship

[[He...]]

Jenny! It's good to 'see' you. It's better to hear of your improvements over the last few months.

I am so confused. I alternate between feeling 'better' and feeling 'worse'. I say to my husband almost everyday, "I know this is better." Because I can remember getting lost on my way to work in September, floating around an art fair in August with my two sons and praying we'd find their father before I fell over or drifted into space. I know how bad it has been and this is bad too, but that was worse.

 

Today. Oh, my. Today. was. hard. I blanked for a few conferences, had nearly nothing to say except your child is doing fine. Which is true, but empty and no examples because I couldn't remember - anything.

At some point, a few conferences in, a chatty mom came in and it opened me up and it got easier. But I am exhausted and I start again at 8:00 in the morning and go to 2:30.

 

I just want to hold every one of your hands, just close my eyes and hold your hands and hope for better days for all of us.

 

I will close my eyes and hope.

Peace2

 

We are all there for you Peace, hands extended and propping you up.  You've got this!  You made it through today and you will do it again tomorrow. 

 

Sending you healing thoughts and prayers for strength! 

[[No...]]

Peace ... 

[[No...]]

Susan ... we do Thanksgiving in October ...

 

Glad to hear you are feeling more connected to right now ... yes, this "time" is a really hard one ... and you are making it through it ...