I Really Didn't Think It Was Possible

[[he...]]

This is so very encouraging. I am finishing day 700 today benzo free and

my cognition, awareness, memory, perceptions, association.....all of my brain power just seems gone. It is hard to imagine functioning at any normal level,  yet you are proof we can and do heal! I can relate to every word of your posts in an intimate way. Thankyou so much for your open honesty. God bless you.

 

 

Dear Hopeful-one,

 

Hello. Thanks so much for writing. Re-reading how far I have truly comes is helping me stay positive as life challenges me. About your 700 day mark...I know...

 

How could we imagine something so odd, painful, and horrid could go on in our brains for so long. I believe with time and patience you will heal. My brain told me it was permanent. I don't think it is. I missed my life with a longing so intense. I hear you. I really really do. I am so sorry you are going through the torment of loss of cognition, awareness, memory, perceptions, association...etc. It feels so alienating not to be oneself. I know there is deep grief. I came through it. I healed. I have almost everything back. I don't know what more to say now, but a few key voices gave me hope in the darkness, and I remember those few voices so very well. What they meant to me. Please trust your brain to heal and yourself to come through to the other side. I do feel this is a miracle. But also science. My mom was praying the whole time that I would "sing and dance with life," and in my down regulated state I actually scoffed and laughed at her prayer. Now it is true and realized. I am in a choir and taking folk dancing. I am back.

 

Benzo Buddies will be here to welcome you back one day too, I believe, and know in my heart. Thanks for writing.

 

God bless you too,

healingtime

[[he...]]

Hey Healingtime,

 

Thank you so much for coming back and writing an addendum to your success story. It gives me hope that one day I too will be released from this hell and able to return to my life that I loved so much....well, return and rebuild my entire life that I used to have.

You give me hope that one day I will be able to read and think again...i miss it so much.

I miss my life.

 

Enjoy your drug free life. I was wondering today if PTSD would also be a part of this..which I cannot imagine it would not..but others have said with time it all goes away..so maybe the PTSD will go away too..I hope so for us both.

 

Much love and healing to you,

Causing

 

Dear Causing,

 

Thanks for your response. Even now it is reassuring to have people who understand to talk about it with. I have been noticing PTSD from the down regulation. But I think it will fade. Part of me is still so close to the whole experience of not healing for so long that I am nervous my new found gains will slip away again. I really don't believe they will as I am drug free now. Also there was a reason I was prescribed so many meds in the first place and I am attending to those reasons in therapy. Part of the post-down regulation of Dopa PTSD, is for me, that I had NO idea that sort of cognitive/memory loss was possible. One day I was driving my car and the next I knew I would be in serious trouble if I did. What? Not be able to drive at age 42 when I had driven safely since before age 16 (on a private country driveway lol). Being nearly homebound due to a brain injury or what appeared mental lapse was a total and complete shock. So I think as we feel grounded and safe in our benzo recovery the pain and shock of the lost 2 or so years will fade!

 

I know you miss your life. I believe it will be back. You will rebuild. I think you will read and think again just fine. I visualize what happened as my brain sensed an attack with all that Clonazepam coming in and drew up all the drawbridges to protect the important centers of the brain, sharp thinking, memory, creativity, language centers, vocabulary, because it did not want all that drug entering. Then once I stopped, my brain took over 700 days to rebuild and retool every road and bridge and those important centers were safe in there all the time, but the ways to access them were missing. Now they are back. Reconstruction of roads, pathways, and draw bridges took an awful long time. It was maddening. And the process worked. I love having my vocabulary and creativity back. I cannot possibly explain the immense sense of relief.

 

All the best, Causing. You do deserve this healing too and I think and believe it is on its way!!!

healingtime

 

[[Su...]]

Thank you for your very inspiring story; it gives me hope.

And congratulations on feeling well!!!!

 

I WILL write a success story too!

[[Lo...]]

Hey Healingtime,

 

Thank you so much for coming back and writing an addendum to your success story. It gives me hope that one day I too will be released from this hell and able to return to my life that I loved so much....well, return and rebuild my entire life that I used to have.

You give me hope that one day I will be able to read and think again...i miss it so much.

I miss my life.

 

Enjoy your drug free life. I was wondering today if PTSD would also be a part of this..which I cannot imagine it would not..but others have said with time it all goes away..so maybe the PTSD will go away too..I hope so for us both.

 

Much love and healing to you,

Causing

 

Dear Causing,

 

Thanks for your response. Even now it is reassuring to have people who understand to talk about it with. I have been noticing PTSD from the down regulation. But I think it will fade. Part of me is still so close to the whole experience of not healing for so long that I am nervous my new found gains will slip away again. I really don't believe they will as I am drug free now. Also there was a reason I was prescribed so many meds in the first place and I am attending to those reasons in therapy. Part of the post-down regulation of Dopa PTSD, is for me, that I had NO idea that sort of cognitive/memory loss was possible. One day I was driving my car and the next I knew I would be in serious trouble if I did. What? Not be able to drive at age 42 when I had driven safely since before age 16 (on a private country driveway lol). Being nearly homebound due to a brain injury or what appeared mental lapse was a total and complete shock. So I think as we feel grounded and safe in our benzo recovery the pain and shock of the lost 2 or so years will fade!

 

I know you miss your life. I believe it will be back. You will rebuild. I think you will read and think again just fine. I visualize what happened as my brain sensed an attack with all that Clonazepam coming in and drew up all the drawbridges to protect the important centers of the brain, sharp thinking, memory, creativity, language centers, vocabulary, because it did not want all that drug entering. Then once I stopped, my brain took over 700 days to rebuild and retool every road and bridge and those important centers were safe in there all the time, but the ways to access them were missing. Now they are back. Reconstruction of roads, pathways, and draw bridges took an awful long time. It was maddening. And the process worked. I love having my vocabulary and creativity back. I cannot possibly explain the immense sense of relief.

 

All the best, Causing. You do deserve this healing too and I think and believe it is on its way!!!

healingtime

 

 

Hey,  Healing time,  this rehealing  of the brain is a natural healing right,  despite any healing or comingswe do nnot out own? Such as me acting happy or finding a way to draw that happiness, this effort on my own is only temporary and won't be needed once we heal through time (brain doing  its own healing). Thanks, just your friendly benzobuddy Nick

[[ra...]]

Wow, this is so encouraging. It sounds like you've come so incredibly far and that's amazing! I bet you still have more healing to look forward to as well. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

[[Br...]]

Hello Everyone,

 

I wanted to write back to let you know I am nearly 100% recovered. The main problem started in April 2012 with a prescription for Clonazepam (Klonapin generic). You can read the first posts to see the story so I wont repeat it here except for an update. I have continued to heal. Next month will be almost 3 years since I started and stopped the med. I am not on ANY meds now. Been off everything for a couple years but my brain has been improving this entire time. But the first two years after I quit was so slow going that I saw NO progress. My brain must have been rebuilding and rewiring the whole time but I was so depersonalized. I had NO hope. I could not cross the street with safety or do laundry because I could not figure things out. I could not order things in my brain. I can cross streets, figure out my laundry, and even drive safely now.

 

I want you to know I do have some PTSD from the brain impairment because of the deep shock and despair fearing and sincerely believing that I had *caused* permanent brain damage by ingesting a substance that was doctor prescribed. I took it as prescribed. Nevertheless, my body, we now know, does not detox so the med stayed in my sensitive system longer, I believe, than it should have. The side effects of that med on my brain were stroke-like. I stuttered. I even had very very mini seizures/muscle spasms. I had no creativity. I could not remember my own thoughts, or conversations seconds after they finished. I felt people perceived me as cold, when I now know it was more that they thought I was shy. I am not shy.

 

The point is: I HAVE MYSELF BACK. Some of my depression is back too, but I welcome the old me. Before it was flat affect. Then the pendulum swung and as my brain rewired I had some "mania." Not true mania, but I did not sleep more than 5 hours per night for a few years. I sleep great now. But that may have affected me... how could it not?

 

I am more sober and somber but I truly recognize myself. I am so entirely grateful. My memory is not what it was. That is one thing I pray is continuing to heal. I used to remember names, events, everything like I had video logs I could file and refer to. Now I recall daily events in a "highlights" only manner. I feel sad about this but honestly remembering everything bad that ever happened to me in the past the way my old memory functioned did not truly serve me. I could not shake free from my past. Despite decades of therapy at age 42 my past felt like it was still happening. Or was about to repeat any second. The traumatic aspects of it. Now my past feels like ancient history. And honestly, I am grateful for that. I do hope my daily short term memory continues to improve. And that my brain relearns to log video memories of the good times point by point!

 

I do feel a tad disconnected from life because the highs are not as high, lows not as low, and as I mentioned, memories not as sharp, however, I feel more happy and stable in an average sort of way. I am grateful to put the traumatic past behind me. My therapist helps me deal with the PTSD of the Klonapin Nightmare, and I am really moving on. Dating, volunteering, exercising, choir, folk dance, etc.

 

The people here on this site helped me so much and I was in SUCH deep despair. Those here who are in it or have been are maybe the only ones who know it is a wordless pain. I could not even access my vocabulary at the time to express the dark, gritty, I-am-about-to-die-a-horrible-death-any-second-I-just-know-it place that it was. And it was a living hell like no other i have felt, or, other than here, EVER HEARD about. I am so sorry to anyone in it. I just MUST tell you: mine was TEMPORARY. Two years of cognitive brain issues does not feel temporary. About 700 days in a row of oh-my-god-is-this-my-life? Feeling like I was dead to myself, and nearly a walking zombie robot, just trying to not get killed crossing the street was horrible.

 

It was severe but temporary brain damage. And my outside world could not understand. If i was well enough to tell them I was unwell, how unwell could I be? Well, you all know. Anyway--I am here to report back that it continues to get better. I am grateful for a new lease on life. And things (aside from memory) are way BETTER than they were before the fiasco.

 

I wish everyone well on here. I have not been here for months and months because I am well, happy, peaceful, normal ups and downs, but basically thriving by comparison to how it was. I hope this can provide inspiration because when I was in the muck of it all, coming on here and reading, knowing I was not alone, gave me the only hope I had practically.

 

I am sorry if I did not respond to some requests for chat/guidance. 2012-2014 were the worst years of my life and I have survived horrid traumas, so explaining that the med induced cognitive impairments I went through were worse than my past events combined shows how nightmarish the experience of healing from benzos was. I do think the 20 years of prescribed antidepressants did not help, and set up my brain to be overloaded when the benzos finally got prescibed. Also, my liver, which was expected to detox those meds, after 20 years of attempting to detox the anti-D's may have said NO, done, too much, find another way to cope. I really don't know.

 

Mostly what I know is that my abilities and personality and mood and everything changed so drastically on the prescription Clonazepam nearly overnight, and I, me, myself, my real true ever loving SELF did not return for about 2 years. So if my brain could heal, so can yours. Everybody is different I know. I am not a doc, I know. But I am a real person who was in a living hell for about 700 days in a row of despair, and I am joyfully on the other side. I enjoy life. I still battle with negative self talk, but now my brain CAN talk to itself again. For a time my *insomnia* went away, because my poor brain had nothing to say. Now I can't shut it up. LOL and for that I am grateful. I also have a much better perspective on life.

 

Thank you to all the members and to Benzo Buddies site for being here for all of us. I can't thank you for your support and encouragement enough. You are true LIFE SAVERS. TRULY.

 

yours fondly,

healingtime

 

BUMP

[Guest [Ho...]]

I was curious to see how you are doing today. Have you noticed any improvements beyond the 3 year healing mark? I connected with what you said about not being able to feel love for your mother. I gave not been able to feel love for my daughter's and that has been the worst and scariest symptom that I have. I am so happy to hear that it comes back. Gives me alot of hope

[[Ex...]]

Hello Everyone,

 

I don't know if I can insert posts to reply to everyone personally. I would like to reply to everyone personally. It may take a lot of time but just know that you all are in my heart!

 

Honestly, I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the support!  Thank you. Thank you for writing. I am still shocked at what the benzodiazapines can do.

 

I actually did go off Lorazepam cold turkey (bad idea). But I was also prescribed Clonaz at the same time so I didn't think it mattered. I think now it matters.

 

Yeah. I think my dopa was major down regulated. I think that is what DR means on here?

 

I was encouraged by all your posts to go out and live. So I tried this weekend! Funny thing is, I did understand what was going on around me. It was fairly overstimulating, but crowds overstimulated me before due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, etc.

 

I was in a lovely setting, if a bit too loud and am allergic to cig smoke.  But the funny thing was I was eating tacos with a fork and suddenly had the impression something was missing from my hand. I didn't remember what was missing from my hand. See, I had been using the fork but then was just holding it and eating tacos with my hand. I was walking around, and there were hundreds of people and booths and music.

 

So, I went out because I have been missing people in this benzo withdrawl ISOLATION hell and because you encouraged me. And I am glad I did. But I was so freaked because about an hour after the taco incident I realized...MY FORK! That is what was in my hand. That is what fell, what was missing. I was heartbroken, again, that I could not remember it, know it instantly. Duh, I said to myself. But the GOOD news is that when it fell, I had the IMPRESSION something was missing. Maybe eventually that impression will be current knowledge, current memory. And I also realized it later, so I went back, found the fork in the grass, and threw it away. Completion.

 

Odd things I need to feel complete, these days.

 

I don't remember my dreams the way I used to, but I remember a few scenes and the gist. I am holding on to that for now. I am ready and willing to have my brain heal itself. It is. Slowly. At first I had to write a script to make a telephone call. And I knew I would not be able to negotiate. I kinda had to dream up, with the help of someone, possible responses to what the other person might say. It was also terrifying.

 

I can hold long conversations now. Names are much harder but if I repeat them immediately over and over and over, I usually have them, if they match the person's face. If the name doesn't match the new person, it is a lot harder for me to remember it.

 

I think the 100 mg of Trazodone I was prescribed for sleep for 20 years also affected my memory I just didn't know it. Before I started benzos I noticed some things I had to think consciously "okay, I need to make a memory of this. Now how do I do it?" I used colors a lot. Colors speak to me. So If I could associate a color, smell or other sense perceptions, it would help me make a memory file.

 

Anyway, sorry not to respond to each of you personally yet!

 

Woofs,

 

I *think* I remember Your posts specifically and they really touched me. I feel for you. I am so glad you are on here, posting. The torment you described ripped my heart out. Your posts helped me keep going. I would come on BB thinking I just need to read something. Someone. Someone who UNDERSTANDS. I knew you did, Woofs.

 

The care giving my Mom has had to do of me at her age of well into senior, was stressing her out.

 

I still can't drive cuz I am not making split second decisions, but I feel I could try. In a parking lot.

 

When I read your posts, Woofs, I knew I was NOT alone. You helped me keep going. I was Trying to believe. I was Not believing but going on anyway. Hope is growing. Thank you Woofs for keeping on.

 

I felt joy seeing a child the other day and that had been taken from me for about 2 years. I feel love for my Mom again. I had not been able to feel that, which frightened me to no end, as I am sure you know/can imagine.

 

I have also seen a chiropractor who did low level laser energy work on my head/brain. It really helped. Chinese herbs for dealing with Klonapin/benzo detox helped me turn a corner too. Who knows if it would have improved anyway? But I believe in them. Know it's not for everyone and not trying to give any advice. Just my experience for anyone who is interested. I guess I have more gaba now?

 

Does anyone feel their head shrunk? I am afraid I lost gray matter, like the blood flow was cut off and neurons died or memory tissue died? Sorry depressing.

 

I am much better. I can tolerate being alone now. For 2 years I could not. My brain would taunt me with fears and hideous thoughts, words. GONE. Peaceful brain now by comparison.

 

And Toxic naps. I remember reading someone's post about that. I slept during the day twice now for the first time in 2 years. A restful nap.

A RESTFUL NAP. I am not yelling. I am excited!!! I could not nap for 2 years. I would think, worry, fear, talk, the damn fear brain (Amygdala) sp?

would NOT shut up. There was nothing I could do. I was not sleeping well. Waking at 4 or 5 am in a cortisol rush panic, shallow breathing. And needed my naps. But no.

 

Before benzos I napped just fine. In fact Trazodone was prescribed so D--n high that not only was I sleeping 12+ hours every night, I would nap 1-2 hrs during the day. That was wayyyy too much sleep. That much sleep, drug induced, worsened my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and negatively affected my brain, I think. But it was too subtle to notice much while it was happening. I am off ALL medz now. ALL MEDS. None. Not pushing that, just saying that is where I am at. I think it is good for me. I know it is good for me. I am much calmer. Some of the calm does still seem the inability to feel quickly in the moment and emotionally appropriate response to, for example, bad or tragic news. I am still blunt/flat. But it does sink in over time and I do feel it appropriately later, for the most part. I also tell my friends to listen to my words and be aware my TONE will not match due to "flat affect." But this has really really changed and improved.

 

Thanks, everyone, again. I feel so understood, cared for, and heard.

 

Thanks for putting my success stories in its own thread of the Success Story. It is a success story!! I am hopeful. I know who I am. I am still learning. I remember my dreams for goals in life. I believe in myself. And I am much more present than I was before. Also, I appreciate the simple things in life, like a home cooked vegetable soup and the smell of roses. I always appreciated roses, but now I think about how wonderful it is to smell them even when I am inside. I consciously cultivate the thoughts and memories of the things I love to remind me what life is all about.

 

I can connect to all the old photos of me as a baby on up. I am a different person now, but I think it is because I have grown, and not because I can't relate to my old self. I can organize my closet again. My intuition is coming back. All of these milestones.

 

Maybe I am going on too long. There is hope. I want to communicate there is hope because whatever was going on with my brain the effect was the HOPE was totally and completely GONE. My Mom is even commenting that she sees her daughter back.

 

Hang in there folks. And thank you for being here. And for the support. I cannot say how much it has meant to me. I am sure you know. You are a great bunch.

 

love, hugs, respect, props for keeping on!

 

healingtime 

 

At which month were you 100 % healed ?

 

Can you give an update ?

 

Thanks.

[[Fi...]]

Hello. Not sure where to post. Maybe somebody could help if this is the wrong place. I am doing BETTER. It has been over 2 years since I stopped all meds. I had dark days for two years fearing my brain was not repairable. Not everything is back but my mood is somewhat stable and very positive today.

 

I used to look at photos from a happy time ten years ago and in the midst of the worst withdrawal symptoms, I could not relate to my younger self AT ALL. I felt she was dead. It was truly frightening. My amygdala was firing the worst horror stories of what I feared my life had become and would continue to come down the pipe. Horror. Horrible. Non stop.

 

All that is different now. I can and am holding positive thoughts. My mind is fast. My short term memory is a bit laughable but significantly better than two years ago. My executive function, ordering, planning, scheduling, thinking through various steps of a plan is mostly back. Before, I really could not figure out how to do laundry. The money, the sorting, the soap, the timing, the dryers. I do have special steps due to chemical allergies, but I could not order things in my mind. I HAD to have help. And I could NOT remember what I had just done.

 

I can do it alone now. My mental reaction time to verbal conversation was shot. My reaction time is so much better. All these improvements right around the two year mark and many since my last post which was maybe 2 months ago.

 

I read some of you on here who were posting deepest, darkest, despair, and torture, JUST LIKE ME. It helped so much to know I was not alone. I truly did not believe this day would come with these improvements. My brain used to be pretty phenomenal, valedictorian in more than one school. Thus when I lost most of it, I was crushed, had almost no sense of identity, no hope for health or employment... you get where I am going.

 

Thank you everyone for your honesty and support. Just reading the torture, disorientation, not being able to make sense of the world, seeing others "enjoying their day," their walks, their trips outside to the store, and feeling TOTALLY separate from it with NO hope was very much where I was. I am back to report, I am better. Much better. My verbal and writing skills are back. Not 100% but mostly.

 

In the moment in interactions, sometimes I still go into a kind of "startle" response where I feel stunned and mentally blocked, but I can articulate that and am learning to ask doctors or friends for time and patience to get my words, thoughts, feelings out. It does not always work because the world is so darn fast. But it is better. It is vastly different from before.

 

I do supplements, acupuncture, and very green diet. I wanted to write to give back hope. PLEASE hang in there. You are important. You do matter. The world needs your gifts and dreams. Please believe. I don't know the future but I know I AM getting my life back. I feel hope in my old dreams again which I thought, felt, even "knew" were dead. Now I know my brain was struggling... but it truly did repair itself. It is a miracle to me. I tried to give it healthy ingredients but I really could not give it positive affirmations. I wish I would have tried, but the deep emotional blocks and pain and dark despair were absolutely all consuming. It was like someone or something else was in there. My brain just WAS NOT me anymore. I am still figuring out who this new person is, but I recognize myself brain-wise, if that makes sense. For the most part, I am back. Still a ways to go. Hoping for the best. Even with these miraculous improvements, hope is still hard. It is still a daily/hourly struggle, but I look to the success for evidence of the power of ? self-healing, I guess? Prayer from other people has helped too. Finding others who think I matter when I absolutely could not feel that for myself. Now I know and remember who I am in this world.

 

Please move this post to where it would be appropriate. I still don't have the needed patience with technology. Ludite here.

 

PJ- I am so glad to hear your inspiring healing story. I hope to be on a ranch with horses some day.

 

Love, Respect, Props, and Hope,

 

healingtime

 

Thank you HealingTime for your success story.

 

I appreciate the honesty and encouragement.

 

I am in a setback after being med free and pretty well for 17 months. Its now been 5 months of suffering and grief. I ended up back on Mirtazapine, when I lost my sleep and it hasn't helped at all. I am now tapering while I'm trying to heal from the setback.

 

When you said you could not give you mind positive affirmations, I started to cry because I can't either and I know it's from the setback. I eat well and have made some progress but feel so far from where I was. It's hard for me to believe that I can get back to my old self.

 

Your post gives me hope again.

 

Thank you.

 

Final healing