Ready to start titration this week. Need a titration program!

[[Pe...]]

HI Gutysgal

 

I think I already welcomed you somewhere you funny gal...I can't keep up with you either.

I do thank you for visiting my boring taper blog snail's pace.

Not my main blog I did answer you on the snail blog though it is just a progress blog for me on my tapering I have another blog on Buddies Blog called Pennyblues Blog that is easy.

I just wanted to say hi loved your list

 

my only addition for you and this is a safety issue in your mental condition

 

wash the hands very well while handling raw chicken.. I really have to remember that one right now myself I eat a lot of chicken...

 

Found the eye one a hoot no they are not BB and I had to give my reading contacts up in Jan due to dry eye issues and I hated to do it. I am blind trying to keep up with all the drug store reading glasses. I lose a few a day I think.

 

Well I want to say you are sure a funny, enjoyable intelligent, strong gal with a lot going for you and I will be happy to help in any way I can and know yo are not alone GG

love having you here.

see you soon somewhere?

 

Pennyblue

PS

oh yes I am wishing you so much prayers and hope for a successful ending to this nightmare when yo are ready and however you do it.

Colin's idea sounded so doable for you.

 

Love

Sandy/Pennyblue

[[gu...]]

Okay, I have completely forgotten how to post to my own thread! I hope this works! LOTS of brain fog here, muscle discomfort combined with numbness, can't even feel what my digestive system is doing, some sharp pains at the top of the stomach (couldn't feel anything there a couple of days ago), eyesight still blurry but maybe a bit improved, not sleeping that well at all, very poor concentration, got-the-blues, yucky wake-up adrenalin, yucky throughout the day (that word covers just SO many symptoms!) etc. etc. etc.

 

In other words.... normal withdrawal symptoms! Really really dislike them but they do mean that I am pushing this stuff around in my body and hopefully OUT of my body! S...i...g...h........ thanks for the comments guys. Need all the support I can get on this dratted journey off the much MORE dratted benzo.

 

to all!

 

[[gu...]]

Yeah! I re-remembered how to post!!!!!! 

[Guest [Ju...]]

gutsygal-

 

Here pulling for you...you know you aren't alone...

 

Yeah! I re-remembered how to post!!!!!!

 

Your sense of humor even when you feel like doodoo is most excellent

 

JB

[[gu...]]

I DO feel like doodoo, and I DO not remember where Roxie'smom's thread is...... ugh! Will look again in a bit! Thanks, fellow jewelry lover! 

[Guest [Ju...]]

I DO feel like doodoo, and I DO not remember where Roxie'smom's thread is...... ugh! Will look again in a bit! Thanks, fellow jewelry lover!  

 

Do you mean this one:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=15954.msg246565#msg246565

 

JB

[Guest [Ju...]]

gutsygal-

 

I just realized that you jumped...WOOHOO :yippee: Good for you

 

JB

[[gu...]]

I dearly love that little jumpy smiley!   Thanks for giving me a couple, JB!

 

I was typing a post tonight and accidently typed BOG instead of BLOG. Looked at it a second and thought, 'You know, a blog without the 'L' would end up being a bog if you didn't.....'

 

L - Listen to your BenzoBuddies and take into account all their experience. You don't need to learn as much as you thought to get through this. They are

    sharing their knowledge.

L - Love yourself through this process. Positive self-reinforcement is so important. You are your own best friend.

L - Laugh. Sure it's grim now and has been grim for a long time. But remember when things used to be fun? Find that again.

L - Look at all the obstacles you have already overcome and give yourself a pat on the back. Your Benzo Buddies would do it for you but they

    can't reach you through cyber space.

L - Leave your regrets about your benzo years behind. It's time to take your body back, help you mind come back, head in new directions.

L - Lessen the suffering of your fellow benzo travelers by staying on here to learn and to share. Enjoy your new friends and make more.

L - List your blessings. A grateful heart is a happy heart.

L - Last but not least... take the time to go back and find that site that linked you to BenzoBuddies. Let them know how much you have been helped.

 

 

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Evening Gutsygal

 

Love your list and a heart filled with grace is a Happy heart...

I have placed the site on my favorites list and just go there and hit it and up comes the home page.

I have an empty notebook next to the puter and write where I have posted and how to get back there

it works and now I can find my way around alittle better now.

 

You are a sweet, funny and intitive gal and will have this all figured out soon

if you need I can help you

 

just hit home first square on the green tool bar in middle of page

 

go down the block of lists

 

most of your new friends are probably first one "Welcome to the community"

 

more established friends will be  in the fourth big block of subjects in Buddy Blog and next one down Buddy Spaces

 

once there just run down the lists and look in the middle of the page and see the person who is listed in the column

as the one who started the blog

 

you are in the titration section

 

sorry you are feeling so awful right now :'(

hold tight and know you are not alone and

prayers are coming your way to light your spirit and help with the Benzo crap :hug:

 

a new friend

Pennyblue

 

you will find me in Buddy Blog

and if you want some fun in the sun

go to buddy spaces and see Penny's sandcastle

it is campy and good way to escape for a few minutes

the pictures there are a hoot or just plain georgous

if you like surf and sand and palm trees to soothe them nerves

 

 

a new friend

Pennyblue

Shelly is a friend of mine too

[[Pa...]]

Hi gutsygal,

 

You're absolutely amazing, the gratitude you have is something I was only able to achieve after I healed.  I love your positive attitude and your desire to help others know there is hope.  If you're this strong while still suffering then I know you're a force to be reckoned with when you're at full strength. 

 

Thanks for what you've given to your Benzobuddies in the short time you've been here, you're an asset to the forum.

 

Here's the link to your celebration thread, you're awesome!! 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=16180.0

 

 

Pam

[[ro...]]

congratulations gutsygal. I am not sure how or where you really are so I found you everywhere I could to say good for you girl.

[[gu...]]

It's down to the brass tacks now. I am glad I waited one more day before adding to this. Today is a better day. I have been a bit concerned about being real on here about this part, but here goes. This is my story of 'jumping' and becoming 'benzo free'.

 

Shelleyr preceded me in this journey, the stinker! She jumped off a few days before I did. But she really helped me as I began to hit the w/d (withdrawal symptoms) pretty hard. One evening I was trolling on the BB site and found her posting in the Celebration Forum. We were obviously both looking for encouragement! So Roxie'smom, Pennyblue2, Jewels, JB, Beeper, Pamster2, TC, Colin and everyone else.... this is how it is playing out for me.

 

(Disclaimer: The following is the experience of the BenzoBuddie, Gutsygal, only. It is not to be inferred that there is or will be any resemblance to any symptoms, emotions, experiences or results by any other BB or anybody for that matter. All information contained herein is based on a true story and any references to such are interpolated from a slightly skewed but not necessarily less accurate reality. Any other resemblance to any persons living or not is unintentional at best and benzo related at worst.)

 

I had it all planned. I was going to stay on the benzo until I had made it through a big weekend of social obligations - Dec. 4-6. I kept dry tapering. Chips became crumbles. Then I began the water titration method Colin outlined for me. A few days into that and I felt awful - every w/d in the book - and it wasn't getting better. The amount I was on was ridiculously small but I was still going down carefully to 'avoid' bad w/d. It didn't work. I already had tons of w/d symptoms. So I stepped up the program and then just KNEW. It was time. I wasn't going to FEEL better until I wasn't taking this poison anymore. It was time to jump.

 

Jump. Pretty awful first day. W/d is ruling the day. Central nervous system is shorting out. Totally out-of-sync - both mind and body. Can't feel scalp to toes - just numbness and tingling. Can't even tell exactly where I am in space - staggering around the house - using the hand-on-the wall mode of travel when I can. Dizzy with blurred vision. Hearing is way oversensitive. Eyesight is beyond blurry. Appetite is gone but gut is roiling. No, absolutely no, taste or smell. None. Mind is disconnected from bladder and bowels. Hear a tummy growling and can't hear if it is MINE and can't feel that it is mine. So very strange. Am a bobblehead... head is surely too heavy for my neck and will see it roll off any second. Who cares? Very, VERY detached! Mind is a total fog. Anxiety is pushing at me. Trying to tell me I made a HUGE mistake and should have titrated down more slowly. Mind and the BB site keep me focused. All is ick but all is also ok... all symptoms are 'normal'.

 

First night. Very little sleep. Ratchet up at the end of the day. CNS still shorting. Think the molecules in my body are merrily chasing around looking for some of that benzo. Try to sleep but anxiety closes in. Feels like a pressure in my chest or at the top of my stomach. Enough that I can tell it is there even in this numbed state. Is worse laying on my back. Better when I curl up on my side (either one, but right is best). Get overly warm with sweating then chilled. Toss and turn. So tired. Can't sleep. Can tell my body is hurting. Joints and muscles. Must be pretty bad to tell that through the numbness and brain fog. Wait the night out. Heat to cold increase in tempo toward morning. Anxiety climbs til heart is pounding (course what you want to really worry about is NOT feeling a heartbeat). Think again I made a big mistake. Sun rises and so do I. Horrible.

 

Benzo Free Day. Great thing about today is I get to type BENZO FREE into my profile and in Shoutbox. Reason to get up. Still have all the w/d symptoms. VERY slow in getting started. CNS is still on a very bad dial-up connection. Time has little or no meaning. Niece is looking for me as I haven't been on Facebook much the past few days. She calls. I fake it. Think I carried it off? Hope so. Have a haircut at 1:30 - whose harebrained idea was it to schedule THAT??!!? Make it into the shower just 45 min before apt. Where did the day go? No clue. An hour may as well be 5 min. Hands-at-10-and-2 drive myself carefully to the apt. Can't feel the water on scalp so tell her the temp is fine. She asks what I want and I think good question. Tell her to look it over and tell me what she sees. I only see a bobblehead in the mirror. She gives her recommendation. I say fine. Cut. Goop (smell or not? nothing so far). Blow dryer (see my hair moving but can't feel the air on my scalp). Done. I put glasses back on and nearly start from the chair as my sis is looking back owlishly at me in mirror. Yikes! Get my bearings. Head home. Hubbie is off for long weekend. Oh joy. Wants to watch a movie... 'Up'. Kid's cartoon. Surely will be fine? Cry through the first part. Adrenalin rush through the middle part. Hanging on til the end for Hubbie. Sound is a problem. Flashing screen too. SO uncomfortable in one position. Hurt everywhere and nowhere. Can't plug into my body or into the movie. Wait it out. Time for bed. Body is leaking adrenalin from the film. Wimp. Do some relaxation exercises. Settle in. Sleep.

 

Second night. For 3 hours. Lovely. Here comes the heat and the pounding heart. Settle in for the wait. Mind gets in on the act. Begins playing a silent movie of my life from age 5. What IS this??? Isn't there enough going on? Try to shut it off. Can't. Movie picks up from the last scene every time. Relentless. How do I remember all this stuff? Where has it been? Wait a minute... it has a theme. Ah... it's many of the times in my life I had anxiety about a situation or person. Relentless. Don't want to see this. Not up to it. Doesn't matter. Movie continues. I watch in a detached way - I see things I never saw before. Odd. Really odd. Mind movie ends. Doze a little very late or very early. Come to and think on things. Realize I have self-esteem issues. And always have had. Have never felt like I was valued. Has had tons to do with how I have lived my life. Wow. A real revelation of stuff I need to work on. Can't stuff it back in the box. Put it on the back burner and let it simmer all...

 

Thanksgiving Day. Get up. Got to make a meal for Hubbie today. Still on a bad dial-up connection. But... is that a feel of taste? A touch of smell? A whiff of feeling? Hmmm. Maybe. Check weight on scale. Jeans are sliding off hips but weight is okay. What the? Tummy is flat for first time in months. Odd. Connection? Don't know. Put on old glasses Rx. Seems better with less power. Interesting. Stagger to the kitchen. Make my all-purpose casserole for me. Scrub yams 3 times cause dirty water must mean they're not clean. Right? Right. Fix the ham. Set the table. Briefly set my hand on a just-out-of-the oven cooking sheet. FEEL it. Slightly. Hmmm. Actually get everything on the table together. A miracle. Hubbie is happy. I DO have slight taste and smell! Still yuck though. Hubbie wants another movie. It's his holiday break. Be a sport. Star Trek. Okay. Big fan of the series and movies. Beam me up Scottie. Can't make out the words. Hubbie gives me earphones. That's way worse. Give them back. He is oblivious. I turn the sound way up. Can't stand it but can't understand it either. Turn the sound waaaay down. Can hear. Settle in. Photon torpedoes, plasma bursts, black holes, warp speed, aliens. My brain on film. Ugh. Cover my eyes. Wait it out. Get up. Pace behind the sofa. Slant a few glances at the screen waiting for the story to begin and the action to tail off. Adrenalin pumping. Hubbie lets out a soft snore. I shoot a dirty look. Take my seat. Finish the film. Hubbie takes off headphones and is shocked the sound is so low. Ha ha. Head out to walk off some of the adrenalin. Get on the BB site and send off a few PMs. Dinner. Computer time. Bed.

 

Thanksgiving Night. Take a partial dose of Kavinace (For those that have to have all the info: NeuroScience, Inc. neurorelief.com). Think about my dreams last night and vow to make changes in my thinking. This is a new beginning for me. Not bad. Just is. Go with it. Miracle of miracles.... self revelation. Miracle of miracles.... sleep. Heavy lovely sleep. Wake early. Heart starts pumping. Turn on side. Gets better. Fall asleep again. Ahhhhh.

 

Today. Wake and day is off to slow start. But feel some better. CNS still on dial up but connection has improved. Old glasses Rx still the best. Weird. Meals, computer, trip to office supply, I pass on watching Phantom of the Opera, some Christmas decorating, walk, computer. BB site. Typing is improving. Still buzzing. Still blurry. Still unsteady. Taste and smell are way improved. Not as edgy. Could the worst be over? Or is this one of those windows? Whatever. I'll take it. Time for bed.

 

Edit: Removed active link

[[Pa...]]

Hi gutsygal,

 

Your description is painfully complete.  I say painfully because you've captured the torture so well, I can almost feel it again.  I know you know this, but you'll start to see improvement.  It won't come fast enough but it will come.

 

Would you like to start a blog, or a thread in General Withdrawal Support?  I feel strange visiting you on the titration board.  It's totally up to you, I'm just glad you're here at BenzoBuddies!  In your short time here, you've become an important part of many members support and healing. 

 

Pam

[[Sh...]]

Hi Gutsygal:)

Wow! You really have a way with words!

I just read your whole thread here..dont know why but I never visited the titrate board?

I didnt do the titrate mode so the less I have to to navigate during w/drawals the less overwhelmed I get! 

You really hit ALL the symptoms of withdrawals perfectly! I think every single person on this board will relate to what your going through. I felt it was a surreal nightmare that NO words could accurately describe...yet you did it! 

I am amazed with how strong you are! Your ability to express yourself while feeling so poorly is something that will only get better and better as you heal. I still have a long ways to go in finding some humor in all of this and your hysterical girl!

I hope you continue to heal and the good stuff overshadows the bad. Your very creative and I bet your going to be busting out like crazy when your healed from this journey.

I just love reading your words on this board. I think others will too..very REAL & gritty! 

Your very inspiring and so happy you found this board & became my buddy:)

XXXXX

Shelley

[[ro...]]

gutsygal,

I think no matter what you are suposed to be a writer. You are very talented and good at it. I think you actually have a gift. If you can be so good at it in the state you are in I can't imagine what you are really capable of.

Maybe that is why you are on this journey, to discover that you are going to be an author.