The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[...]]

  Hello Lakeside,

 

  I hope that the Cog isn't that bad for you. It does get easier as the time goes by, but as we all know, lots of time. From my point of view, it is a few years before he brain fixes itself. Not negative, but just honest about it.

 

  As far as real-estate, I'm a State Certified Contractor of Florida. And we all know what happened to that when the Bush House was uh DC, lol. But just kicked it forward, will not cry over the spilled milk.

 

  For me, the days are easier and my sleep is better, but still running to the finish line way ahead of me. Will get there.

 

  For you, keep pushing forward, what you are doing is keeping your brain going forward, keep busy, less stress and your mind will not have time to think of negative thoughts.

 

  Will be back on later, have some tracks to lay down in the studio.

 

 

 

 

Godspeed to you,

 

 

 

 

  Rocket 

[[La...]]

Hey Rocket, glad it's goin good for ya man. I've been having some really tough days since my last post. The cog fog and anxiety combined in the mornings are over the top at times. Panic, confusion, frustration, worry and the vicious circle is in motion. This morning isn't quite as bad, but the last several have been nothing short of hell. Body heat and chills conbined with the moods and it's more than I can handle and I'm just house bound then.

The way am right now, I find it difficult to think I was able to put myself out there with the real estate agent such as I did and I need to be calling her Monday to list the house. From where I'm at right now, it seems as an impossible task. Although yesterday the carpet layer shower up unexpectedly and I was way out there, I mean wayyyy out there. I immediately went into work mode and got down there and opened the place up and helped out for a bit before I had to leave. How I managed,  I do not know. I don't feel hopeless as I was. But it's difficult to get motivated yet. Once I am, it seems to go Ok for a while. It's just getting going.

 

As for stress...yeah right. My sister is raising hell over our mothers' will and says she's taking me to court. Mean while, I'm taking her to court for the damage she caused in moms house from her cats while living there for 2 yrs. Less stress ....... I can only pray for that.

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside

 

  It's just crazy to hear that you are going threw a rough time right now with your symptoms and your sister. We all would think that this period in our time that we would be healed 100%. But I don't thnk so. Sometimes I just wonder were the bloodsucking lawyers are that always think of money, would be lining up on the court steps to file suit against these Pharmacuitcal. Wait, it's only the easy money that they are looking to extract from the middle and poor class, right. Someone needs to address these drugs, and get them off the market. Or make the CEO's of these Companies take them for a year and see how they would like it. Then maybe they would be taken off the market.

 

  Or let the big wigs in the FDA take them also, and see what there reactions are, right.

 

  But n all this anger in me, I still keep positive that we all will heal in the future.

 

  But for you Lake, hang in there, I still have days or weeks like you. Not so intense, but they are there. Sorry that ou are going threw this when you are trying to get your life back in order, but hang in there, better days ahead.

 

  As for your sister, sorry, very sorry to hear that you and you're sister are having a bad time. Families should be laughing and having a great time together. But with all the commotion, I think that you two will work it out, remember, blood is thicker then water. I have been there myself years ago. And just had to let the clock tick by before we reconciled. But everything worked out okay for us.

 

  But the one think that you need to concentrate on is yourself. When you get better, everything will fall into place, you will see.

 

 

  Godspeed to you

 

 

 

Rocket

[[La...]]

And finally, today brings some much needed relief !!! I woke up wound, but feeling friendly for the most part. I felt like I had rested, my sleep was a little more than normal, with about 5 hrs. So I'm sure that has helped. But maybe this is IT realizing it isn't gonna win. At the very least, it's a semi opened window. I've had to push, but nothing like before. I've done things today that have in the past, hindered my accomplishments. I don't have the perverbial "fuck it's" today. Have had normal, typical things arise that have stopped me in my tracks over the last two years, but NOT today. I've had patience that I've not had. Although I am fiining that if I get hot and sweaty, I get an anxiety overlaod. That's why I'm in now and typing, while I cool off and then I'm back to moms. That's what I've been doing, cleaning out moms house for a little touch up painting tomorrow. I'm trying to line up a showing for Sunday afternoon. I have been able to go there and clean out the closets and no tears today. Am almost fnished with everything to be hauled out and then the touch up painting later today and or tomorrow. After that, just wash windows and I do believe it'll be ready to show. If this gentleman doesn't buy it, I'm calling the real estate broker Monday.

 

Rocket, this is pure crazy. The difference in my mindset from yesterday to today is unbelievable. It's not even like I'm the same man today. My adult is taking over and giving my child a chance to rest for a change. No fear, no worries, just get up, get out and get going ! I'm already tired of beng inside and am about to head ack out now. I am t o t a l l y taking advantage of this situation today.

 

Today is but 18 days short of 2 yrs off xanax.

 

Thank you for the encouragement Rocket, it's really appreciated. I know it isn't over with yet, but I now know I am gonna win this. It's been very touchy for me up until today. Today is exactly what I needed and I'm thanking my higher power for it too.

 

Wishing you Godspeed as well Rocket.

[[La...]]

Man, it sure is cycling fast. I'm having ups n downs all in a period of a day now. The depression, then the anxiety. I get so down I'm in tears. Then times of being edgy, irritated, sad, mad, confused, miserable and the list goes on. The fleeting moments of niceness was just that.......fleeting. I am functioning for the most part, after I get through the morning cog fog now. Had a couple days where I wouldn't drive though.

 

 

[[th...]]

LS,

 

I don't want you to think I am downplaying your syx...it must be very frustrating to still be struggling after so long. But...those feelings you have are normal human emotion. I have those feelings on a daily basis even prior to benzos. It's the human condition. I don't expect to have emotionally free days once I am off bc well...I am human. I sure would wish for you to be not in wd still but just having normal human struggles and emotions. I sure hope things settle for you soon 

 

Don't think I am not sympathetic. I am. I just don't have this idea that I ll be free from those feelings ever bc I am human. And bc I had lots of those feelings prior...I am kinda a challenge in that dept! Lol. Maybe that's not normal for you though, if its not, I hope you can find peace one day;)

 

Grinch

[[La...]]

Hey Grinch, no offense either but.....normal my ass ! Maybe you should see someone then and get treated for bipolar 2, because those are the symptoms I and you are exhibiting. Symptoms of which I had none of prior to c/t from xanax. If what I'm experiencing is normal, I'm ready to pack it in then. Cuz this sucks and is nothing I care to exist with for years to come. Good luck if this is your normal.....

 

I'm just being straight up from what you said too. This is not normal for me and neither is anyone who states it is. I wish you peace one day as well. Good luck.

[[th...]]

Well if it's not normal for you I hope you can recover than in time. Wishing you peace and health my friend.

 

Grinch

[[Be...]]

Hi all,

 

I'm new and just recently joined BB. I am reading & researching. I have not started my taper yet. Soon. 

 

I also have a thyroid auto-immune illness (in remission) that cost me my thyroid in 2012; this should be fun keeping my thyroid levels in ck while I taper. Stress is a enemy of my AI. ack. I thought I was well & recovered from that illness and BAM...got dx with cdc positive Neuro

Lyme disease. That began round two of yet another major health battle (also now in remission). Two major battles back to back and I am still here!

 

Most if not all of the X taper w/d sx will be mimicing both of my illnesses. Sooooo not looking forward to it but yet, I am. Illnesses got me here to begin with. Ironic. Now X taper is going to be round three battle fighting for my health. But I want my life back!

 

About me...I like to laugh (it got me through a lot in my illnesses), sarcasm is my first language, I'm country laid back straight forward, I am a retired nurse, kids all grown & married, 9 gkids, supportive husband, I love to cook (slinging flour in my kitchen makes me happy). Umm..what else. I like geneaology/ancestry.

 

I like to help others, support others when I can. When I was ill...I found out how important it is to have a safe place to go to talk, vent, cry, share, laugh, etc... with ppl who truly understand.

 

I know this will not be easy and that once again my very being will be tested beyond what I percieve myself to be able to handle. BUT...two other things tried to kill me back to back...I'm still here...bring it X. 

 

ok...Enough tough girl jibber jabber... 

 

I will post to offer support...and also when I get my taper plan in place to begin this major battle for my health (hopefully the last battle for a long time...3's a charm right!).  Wish me luck.

 

Be well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Welcome Benzo Fuzz,  Loved your introduction ! You will find wonderful support here !  There is also a thread for those of us over 50,  we are a lively group, look for us.  Are you planning to taper totally from Xanax or are you going to cross over to Valium ?  I look forward to seeing your posts !  Hugs,  KB

[[Be...]]

Thank you KB. I will look for that Over 50 thread.  So far I am leaning towards a taper directly from X, no cross over. 

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside,

 

  Sorry for the delay in getting back to you and everyone else. Just been busy and trying to get threw this little wave. Sometimes when you think that it is over and the Fat Lady is going to start singing, she is hesitant and we start waiting again for her.n

 

  Crazy days and crazy nites. Not as bad as we started off with the symptoms of withdraw, but I know that my brain is still fixing itself from the damage of taking Xanax. But, keeping a positive attitude that the end is coming soon. I mean that the FDA wouldn't let these Idiot Pham Company's put some drug on the market that would hurt you for life! Or would they?  No, I trust them with my health, lol.

 

  All that said, just keep moving forward. There is a end to this madness, we just have to wait it out, right. It gets better, I know, I was a basket case when I started off on this journey. And as the time went by, I have gotten better month after month. I kind of wished that I got out of the tunnel sooner, but I have learned much about myself and about addiction too. This life experience I will keep in my memory safe forever and when I want to take another Xanax, the safe will open up in my brain and I will say never again. 

 

 

  Trying to stay in touch with everyone as much as I can. Going on a vocation for three months over seas soon, this will be a good test for me. So much to do, so little time. The big test will be that we are bringing our pet inside of the cabin, and one leg of the flight will be 12 hours, heaven help us! But can do this, 2 years ago, not a chance,lol.

 

  I hope that you are getting better, and that your window stays open for you.

 

 

 

Godspeed to you,   

 

 

 

Rocket

 

 

 

 

 

[[...]]

Hello Benzo Fuzz,

 

 

  Hope that you are doing okay today. And Welcome, you will get lots of support from us. 

 

 

When you start to taper, it might get ruff for you, but we try to explain what your body and mind will go threw, and we will try to help you get threw the tough times. And you will get threw them, and you will do just fine. 

 

 

 

Godspeed to you,

 

 

Rocket

[[Be...]]

Thank you Rocket. I will refuse or disregard any input/support. I know I will need it. 

[[...]]

Good Morning Everyone,

 

 

  Hope that all my Benzo Buddies are doing Good Today.    just a little support for all of you. Stay strong and keep moving forward. And don't look back. The past is the past and the future will hold many wonderful things and days for you.   

 

 

 

 

 

  Godspeed to you all.   

 

 

 

 

  Rocket

[[Be...]]

Hi all.

Thanks for the support and encouragement Rocket.

 

I'm still doing pretty good here, still holding.  One day at a time.  

 

Hope ev one else is doing good.  Be well.

[[La...]]

First, Hi Benzo Fuzz. Welcome to our little corner of the net here. Hope your experience goes smoother than mine has been.....but alas......

 

Second, Rocket, thank you for the kind words. I so hope you have thee utmost enjoyable vacation ever. You, and everyone here deserves a break and I hope you have the time of your life.

 

Please check out my day, my 729th day off xanax. Yes, tomorrow is two years !

 

Today happens to be a memorable day for more than one reason. It was certainly a unique day and one of thee most challenging I've had in quite some time now as well. Seemed like every time I went right, my world went left and vice versa. First, I went to town this morning, shopping and forgot to return some tiems. Then I forgot some important papers and had to return home to get them and I then went to have them filed,  only to learn they weren't the proper ones. I then returned once more with the correct papers and had that errand taken care of. Mind you, on any other day, I would not have made it past this point and would have been a total couch potatoe full of cog fog. After that, I was going to help a friend who's lawn mower is broken down. I load my mower on a trailer and off I go. But first, I need get fuel, so I hit a gas station in town. Upon leaving the station, there's dip entering onto the street and some how, my trailer tongue hit the bump/dip and popped my trailer off the hitch. Mind you, it's down town and mid day. I drag my screeching trailer on safety chains to the other side of the street so it's out of traffic and am just bewildered, almost having an anxiety attack. After a moment, I realise I'm about in front of a tire repair place and go to ask for a jack to lift my trailer up and get it back onto the hitch. I'm so nervous I'm shaking. The guy comes and helps me and I'm on my way. I get to my friends and mow her lawn and then come back home to unload my mower. For some reason, the 2 week old battery in the mower is now dead. So, I have to get another vehicle over there and jump start my mower...arggggh.

 

Mind you now. Yesterday, last week, last month.....Just having to return to town the first time would have put me over the edge. But to now have three things go south in one day, unheard of and still function. Between the anxiety and the depression, not a chance.

 

So, after the jump start I mow my lawn, most of moms and a neighbors and my mower stops cutting. The engine is running but no blade action is going on. It's an electric drive mower, not all belt driven. So there's something wrong in the electrical unit or the new battery is not good, we'll soon see. That was another thing that would have set me off and then some.

 

Now, this moring I had been planing on cooking on the grill and by this time, it was nearly 6:00. I had to get baby backs ready for the grill and guess what... I did !! On any other day in the past two years, this would have absolutely without a doubt had me in a rage, then tears and then the sofa and cog fog kicking in. Today is  a major milestone in this ordeal for me. Not only that, but did I happen to mention that tomorrow is my 2 yr annivesary from xanax ?! Hmmmm ?

 

It's taken a FULL two years for me to finally have a day where I claim victory. Sure, I've had windows, but not a day where I could withstand what was being thrown at me from the left and right. Honestly, I'm not a holy roller, but I do attend church regularly and I was looking up saying I couldn't take any more and needed some help. To please let me figure out why this was happening to me. I just would not let evil prevail today. It's taken 2 full years for me to finally say, I am winning this battle.

 

Rocket, I so appreciate the kind words and support, you're alright man. This 50 yo just might make it yet. Been a lonnnngggg 2 yrs folks.

 

 

 

[[va...]]

Lakeside, what an inspirational story!  And KUDOS to you for making it through the day, and what a day!  Wow!  That might have put even a normal person over the edge.

 

Also, congratulations on your 2 year anniversary!  I hope in the future, you are able to keep handling whatever is thrown at you.  The Universe always knows how much we can take.  It's a lesson in growth, and shows how far you've come.  Here's to you and many more good days, weeks, months and years ahead! 

 

~K

[[La...]]

Hi K and thank you kindly. I hope tings go smoothly for you and not have experiences such as some us are enduring.

 

Today was slightly different..so what's new...right ? It began early once again about 4:00 and with cog fog, depression and anxiety to boot. Was pacing the floors right out of bed with nervousness and a paranoid feeling like I was being watched, almost gut wretching. I finally got a grip and dealt with it by zoning on the sofa. I had a Dr. appt at 3:30 and was already figuring out how to cancel it. By noon I wasn't as bleak feeling but still was considering cancelling. I didn't and I went and she increased my depakote to 250 mgs, twice daily now. All the while I'm really into her about once this GABA receptor ordeal is over, that I'm gonna be able to drop the depakote w/o any lingering side effects. She assured me of none.

 

With that I come home and just kinda veg for the afternoon. Then, my phone rings and it's the gentleman who's interested in purchasing my moms home. Says he has the down payment and wants to come sign the papers. WOW, is all that's going through my head, while my mouth is saying, "alright, see you shortly." Grabbed my notebook and contract and off to moms I went, which is right next door. He came, we talked and we talked, he gave me cash and we signed papers. I now have a new neighbor. How I manged and pulled it out of my hat, I don't know. I focused, I concentrated and I made the deal. I even sold it for $6,000 more than the real estate broker would list it for and I saved the 6% fee...cha ching.

 

Focusing is key for me. If I'm idle, my mind wanders. Then the child in me feels fear, paranoia and or nervous. Then comes confusion and bewilderment and the circle of depression has begun. I'm now gettng to where I'm able to cut it off at the pass, so to speak. I'm learning it's cycle, therefore I'm able to "jump in" as long as the cog fog isn't to dense. It takes a crane just to lift my arse off the sofa when it's bad. Am so glad it seems to be losing ground as I relearn who I am and what I'm all about. It's been since 2003-4 since my thinking has been even close to where I'm at now. Lost a considerable amount of my life to xanax. I was bitter about it, but not any more. I'm learning so many things about myself that I may have never known if not for this ordeal. It is making me a better man in the long run, albeit with a shorter life to live.

It isn't over with by any means. However, this window so to speak, was enough for me to know where I'm headed now. Two years to the day for this guy. 

[[La...]]

Well, the increase in depakote only made EVERYTHING WORSE ! By Sunday, I was over the top and under the bottom, so a friend came and spent the day with me. I keep a steady blog on another site where I've been a member of for many years now and I even had friends calling from around the States to make sure I wasn't going to end it. I had actually put myself in the frame of mind where I completely understood why Robin Williams did what he did and made the statement that his last word was, "why?"  I was down, I was numb within my head and feeling as I've never felt before.

I've now decreased my depakote to 1/2 of those which is 62.5 mg morning and night. I called the Dr and she said to make an appt with the psych dept, so I called and the receptionist didn't have a clue what a benzo was, nor did they have a counselor with experience. I'm better now than I was, but this cycling is ungodly at times. I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I just can't seem to pull through most of the time. Yesterday was a better day to where I at least got outside for a few hours.

I live in a medical marijuana state and have gotten my card. In all honesty, if it weren't for some of the candies that are made, I'd have taken myself out now from all the depression, as pills don't work for me.. It doesn't take all the pain nor anxiety away, but it makes it tolerable and there is a lot to be said for tolerable when going through this miserable hell.

I'm finished with pharma, as once again it nearly took my life. Effexor xr, zoloft and now depakote have all done the same thing to me.

As for my worries about having lyme. Well, I've now had the antibody test, which was positive. I've now had the western blot test and was negative. I will be going for a spinal tap to see if it's perhaps past the blood brain barrier. These sx's I'm having are just not right for 2 yrs out. Remember, I was bitten by tick spring of '13.

[[va...]]

Lakeside, sounds like that depakote might not be very good for you.  Is it something you have to take?  Or can you stop taking it?  (not familiar with that drug.) 

 

I think the marijuana is a good idea.  I don't live in legal state, but even if I did, I hate the way it makes me feel when I smoke it (I quit back in the early 80s), so unless eating it or vaping it works differently, I probably still wouldn't use it.  Although, I have heard juicing fresh leaves works miracles on things like lupus and doesn't get you high, so I'd probably try doing that.  Or using the oil, which is supposed to work well topically.

 

I hope everything gets better for you real soon. 

 

~K 

[[La...]]

You're right K and thank you.

The depakote wasn't good for me. Something about those meds, effexor xr, zoloft and now this. They all took me to a place where I'd rather not be. The effexor and zoloft induced thee worst anxiety attacks I've ever endured and this depakote induced the worst depression I could imagine. I split the depakote in half for a few days and am now off from it.

Still getting little to no sleep at night though. Lastnight, I got zero sleep. First went to bed at 2:00 and was back up before 3:00. Had depression pretty bad, to a point of nearly tears and then I decided to smoke a little mj and within 5 minutes I was no longer so blue. This was just about an hour ago and it's after lunch time now. So, I indeed did all I could to pull myself out of the rut.

My ears are ringing unlike they have in months and I feel electricty in my feet and my mind is going at a quickened pace. It is a lot better than it was this morning, as this is tolerable. Don't know about the tinnitus, as it's as bad as it was in the beginning. The elecltrcial current is now beginning to move up my legs and I'm feeling forehead tension. I'm hoping I'm past the panic point now, as I truly know I will be Ok...I think.

But at 2 yrs, still getting hit like this.

[[va...]]

Lakeside, do you do any kind of yoga, or breathing techniques?  I started my practice again, and it's really helping me stay calm and focused and not freak out.  Also, listening to music helps me.

 

Kudos for getting off the depakote! 

 

~K 

[[cr...]]

Hi Everyone,

I feel like I'm barely hanging on to my taper, but I'm holding for now.  Just lots of anxiety around people and when I am alone.  Ha!  Although the sweating seems better, as does the tingling in my arms.  Best wishes to you all!

[[La...]]

Well K, the only breathing techniques I do are when I'm having or about to have an axiety attack and then do the deep breathe with my belly. That relieves the anxiety each and every time after a couple of minutes is all. It doesn't do anything for calming me to be able to rest though. It's a little after 10:00 now and even though I got no sleep lastnight, I'm kind of wound up right now. Not what I wish to be feeling at this point, but it is what it is. I'm going to take 1mg of melotonin tonight beofre to ong and see how that goes....fingers are crossed. If could get but just 5 hrs of solid sleep. It would be like hitting the lottery for me !

As for music, yes indeed. I'm an old rock n roll lover and do play the radio, but not as otfen as I should, thank you for the reminder.

 

Hi Cricket,

 

The old motto of keep on keepin on seems to be what we live by. I remember the sweating too....at least that part seems behind me. Your doing good...thank you for the well wishes and the same to you.