The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[VC...]]

Hi Everyone, and wow, wow, wow is all I'm saying right now.

First, Id like to apologize to VCharis for my respondng to theGrinch1 w/o addressing your post. I honestly do not even remember reading it. I still have terrbile ADHD from this, or at least I'm calling it that. I try to describe this mind racing is liken to reading a book and although my eyes are on page 3, my mind is on page ten. Anyway VCharis, I so agree with all you said. I've even explained to a friend I met here who only took .25 mg for sleep and she's in hell. We're all different, so many variables involved from one person to another. Not everyone is going to feel the same, exact same protracted sx going through this.

......

 

Hugs back VCharis, thank you.

 

Ah, thanks, Lakeside. No problem. I can't even keep up with posts...lol...

I agree, we're all so different. I had a couple days from hell, then some very neutral-feeling ones, and woke up today amazed that I slept over 8 hrs. I'm simply unpredictable. I don't like that, but it's life for me right now. Trying my best to think positive and not worry. A messed up amygdala makes this quite the challenge but it, too, is trying to heal.

 

Healing huggies,

V 

[[VC...]]

I ve been really melancholy and blah. Sad but not crying sad. Just sick of feeling like crap. Sick of not having a life. Sick of not being able to do what I want. Sick of it all. It makes me pissed off at the world. I am taking the taper as slow and as safe as I can....though I am skeptical of the final outcome and still have moments of wanting to dump 1mg just to move things along quicker. I haven't yet though, trying to be responsible in my taper the best I can. Not easy. I am sick of feeling this way day in and day out and if the only way to get well is get off....well...that messes with my mind. Mornings and nights are the worst for me, and my stomach hates me. But I made another cut yest as you can see in my sign and we ll wait to see how this hits me.

 

I'm so sorry it's so dang hard, Grinch. I can relate to feeling pissed and sad and melancholy. I get the 'bed dread' at night, and the early morning 'uh oh, here we go again'... and some days I've cried and cried myself into a state of exhaustion, as if I weren't already depleted. But if my body is ever to heal, I'm gonna have to combat some of this with acceptance. Not acceptance that I'll never heal, but that it won't be like this forever, that each and every day my receptors are given another day of healing. Everyone heals. Eventually. I'm holding onto that.  Today is better, yet I'm not anywhere near well and even my baseline symptoms are pretty darn hard to deal with.

 

I'm glad to hear you're being responsible with your taper, Grinch. The truth is not what our brain is telling us (that it's hopeless) but that we have no guarantee how our taper will go. Right now,  our brains get overwhelmed. Again, everyone heals. Plant that in your amygdala for safekeeping. We tend to give way to our whacked amydalas, that fear center of our brains, but listening to it only leads to sadness, gloom, and despair. Like a friend tells me, don't listen to yourself, talk BACK to benzos. I know. Easier said than done. But it's a reality check to remember this.

 

You're wise not to dump 1mg all at once. I certainly understand your discouragement as you've suffered quite a bit. There are days when I can't deal with any of this anymore. That's when I need my friends. My life, otherwise, has been curtailed. I can't do the things I want to anymore, but I can do something. Look for that "something."

 

Just checking on you and sending a big hug.  It sucks - going through this. Sucks ROCKS, I often say. It's painful and hard. But one day you'll be posting your own success story and it will be a healing story, an incredible story! - no matter how long it takes. For now, be gentle and self-compassionate. Know that people care. You're not alone. And you can tell me to shut up if you need to :-) but I'm not giving up on you.

 

Hugs,

V 

[[La...]]

Hi Guys, am checking in and with a major attitude today. Woke up after about 5 hrs of sleep and knew I was OUT there. Took my dogs for a walk and was attacked by a neighbors dog. Nothing to serious, but I voiced my opinion about our States leash laws in no uncertain terms. Then I noticed that every little thing happening this morning is so overwhelming. I'm reacting to everything and responding to nothing. I'm in one of those pissy moods for no reason at all. I've been trying to think my way out of it, walk my way out of it and it keeps circling back. I'm tired, I'm slightly wired, but I'm awfully moody right now. Am even feeling some electrical current in my hands and feet now and that's been a while since feeling that. It's even creeping up my legs now. Arrrgh

[[La...]]

Wow, everyone disappear or what ?

 

Am having one helluva morning so far. Woke up with fear and panic and lot's of it ! Haven't had this in quite a while now. I cannot believe how this is hitting me like this right now. My mind is racing and full of fear. Almost am not rational in my thinking.

 

What's going on ?

[[th...]]

Dropped .25 again today. Down to 2.75 mg total. With last weeks cut I didn't feel any uptick in syx or any worse days than I do already. Just same everyday crappy syx, just no diff. Plus I was able to actually get out a few times for some events. So....cont on down. Waiting to see what this cut will bring.

 

G

[[th...]]

Felt uptick this last cut 24-48 hrs later with terrible gi syx and really blue. This seems to be a trend maybe for me?? I cut on fri and now mon those syx are abiding a little. Sat and sun were the worst days. My stomach still hurts bad but nothing like sat. Anyone cutting weekly feeling cuts within 24-48 hrs? I ve been told I am going to fast cutting weekly and the cuts are catching up to me, prob, or maybe not, who knows bc everyone is diff. Hard to tell what to do with all the differences  and I happen to be lucky and not stabilize ever, I am bedridden bc of tol wd syx daily, so why not cut weekly if I can manage it. I just don't want this taper to drag out any longer than it has to, with in reason. Especially if I am sick anyway. My brain can't wrap around being sick anyway and going slower, if going slow helped with syx I totally would drag this out, but I don't have that luck so why drag it out for ms and ms when I am so sick already. It doesn't make sense to me. I feel like I would be wasting time when I could be cutting.

 

G

[[...]]

  Hello Lakeside,

 

  Hope that you are feeling better today. Been trying to get on as much as I can these days, but starting to get a little busy in the Music Studio. But going to try to get on here every other day.

 

    Just to let you know, that at the time you are at, you will start to feel better as the weeks go by. I remember that time for me was a break threw. My brain was unclogged and I could begin to think and figure out thoughts. But there were crazy days also. I just put my mind in a positive state, and fought threw it.

 

  You will see, you will get better faster. I will not sugar coat that stage of time as you go on. You will have many great days like me, but the crazy days come also. They will not be so sever, and will start to taper down as the time goes by. For me right now, much better day, weeks and clearer thoughts too.  So stay tight and keep busy. You are getting better. 

 

 

Godspeed to you,

 

 

 

 

 

Rocket

[[La...]]

Hey Rocket, good seein ya. Glad you're doing well and living life man. I so cannot wait !

 

This is pure crazy. I've been up and down and all around. Yesterday, I had tickets to a concert and went. I was up and out there, but managed just fine. Enjoyed myself so much too. To get out, to go, to be, to partake....My God was it nice.

Then this morning comes and what a major setback. I haven't had this much anxiety in probably a year or more. Lot's of cog fog to boot and the confusion isn't any fun either. Talk about one extreme to the other here. I actually drove over 500 miles yesterday and today I'm couch bound.

[[...]]

Hey Lakeside,

 

  Hope you are having a better day. And I do know what you are going threw. Just keep the good times going. For you to be on the couch, it's a normal day for just about everyone at that time period. I have been there and done that too. It just seems that when we have a good time and enjoy our selfs , bam, there goes our energy.

 

  It will return for you, sometimes in a day or two, or  maybe a little longer, but just keep positive about it. 

 

 

    Have a good weekend.  And if you can, get out of the house. Even if it is to the park, yard or somewhere you like to be. For me, if I stayed n the house in my earlier days, I would just go stare crazy, lol. Just a little advice.  And who did you get to see at the concert? 

 

 

 

  Godspeed to you and family,

 

 

Rocket

[[...]]

Hey Rocket, good seein ya. Glad you're doing well and living life man. I so cannot wait !

 

This is pure crazy. I've been up and down and all around. Yesterday, I had tickets to a concert and went. I was up and out there, but managed just fine. Enjoyed myself so much too. To get out, to go, to be, to partake....My God was it nice.

Then this morning comes and what a major setback. I haven't had this much anxiety in probably a year or more. Lot's of cog fog to boot and the confusion isn't any fun either. Talk about one extreme to the other here. I actually drove over 500 miles yesterday and today I'm couch bound.

 

Wow this sounds like me almost everytime, I have days were I can do anything then after I do its like it all catches up with me at once....WTF is up with that???  Anxiety is no joke for sure

[[La...]]

Hi Dpx, it's a reall rollercoaster for sure. Cedar Pointe has nothing on this ride we're taking. The cog fog has been hitting hard, but not so bad this morning. But...the anxiety is back and I mean it's BACK. I'm managing to get 5-6 hrs of sleep now and that's helping with the depression end of this. I push and I mean I PUSH to acheive thngs. Nothing seems to come easy and the forgetfullness is over the top. If I don't write it down....it's gone.

 

Rocket, you're so right. At at least I'm able to get myself pumped up for things like that concert. I also have tickets to 5 more this summer too. I knew when I purchased them that it may be a bit of a challenge being able to attend, but I did and I will. Talk about good medicine, nothing like a crowd of 15,000+ people all there for one reason, to enjoy themselves to the fullest. Honestly, there isn't anything better for me than a rock n roll concert. It changes, then enhances the mood for me....always. I cannot wait for the next one.

 

It's just so weird to be able to function one day or part of one day and then the bottom drops out, so to speak. Then the cog fog kicks in or just a run of depression and that's it for the time being. It's like hitting an off switch, except the mind doesn't stop, just the motivation and being able to function.

 

Grinch1, if you can hadle the hell, go for it and get through it faster. But the Ashton manual is there as a guide so as to not be in such hell. Some of you are during your tapers. I've been in hell since August 2012 when Dr. Idiot cold turkeyed me from xanax.

 

Oh, speaking of concerts. As we were drving there, I was reminded of the rest area where I had to pull over last year as I was having an anxiety attack while driving to a concert, mind you it's 2+ hrs to get there there. I got out and walked around the car and deep breathed until I could drive again and then to the show. That's how much I've pushed and continue to do so.

 

To me, caving into this is failing. For me, failure is not an option. I've held this train of thought since the beginnng and it's helped me so much. That and along with my mindset that the child in me is the one who feels the fear. I had to bring out my adult to allow my child to rest and feel secure. I've literally split my personality apart in order to control this beast.

 

I/WE SHALL BECOME TRIUMPHANT

[[La...]]

Well, the last couple of mornings has me feeling like caving. I'm waking up with some pretty intense anxiety and it's awful. Shortly thereafter, it lets up some and I'm moving about. I didn't drive yesterday for fear of the anxiety. Even though I can sit and rationalise this, it's still somewhat paralyzing. I guess that's the cog fog still. I want to say, I don't get it, but I do. But I don't. See where I'm at right now ? Ugggghh

[[th...]]

I held for 2 weeks for the first time. Nothing changed or got any better. Still terribly nauseas in the am with it getting less by noon. I have some uptick in syx with a cut but everyday is a struggle either way. Feeling some "panic ness" in the morning but I can usually "tap it away" or distract.. Back to cutting on Sun. Like I said, may not be the best choice or it might be the right choice for me to do what I am doing but I just can't taper for another 8 ms off 2mg with syx this strong. I d rather be off the drug and struggle than be on the drug and struggle.

 

G

[[th...]]

Been actually sleeping the last few nights with regular dreams.....crazy!!! I usually can't get out of bed though until noon bc of relentless nausea but it decreases to a tolerable level by noonish so then I force myself out of bed and try really hard to do something. Even if that is just a shower on really bad days. I have been able to get out with hubby and friends a couple times over the 4th and it's been tolerable. Haven't done that in months!

 

G

[[La...]]

Good to read ya Grinch1 and glad you're able to push through some of this and get out. I've been doing the same thing myself. I'm in a wave of cog fog, depression  and having periods in a day where I'm so motivated and then wham, like a light switch being flipped and engery gone, thought process gone and replaced with confusion and irritation. Then I get moody and am at a total loss for any motivation, like right now. Just had a short burst and was fine, then I finished that task and am confused and motivationally lost. Even had moods today of thinking of making out my Will. It just doesn't give in and seems like it has the ability to overcome my defenses as time goes on.

Couldn't even leave for fireworks last night and not sure about tonights now either.

[[th...]]

Lakeside,

 

Thanks LS! I am awful sorry you are unable to heal so far from your last dose and not being on a very high amt:(. Most people at your stage aren't even on the forum anymore bc they have their lives back. Sorry you are still struggling  . Have you had any relief or improvements??

 

G

[[La...]]

Thanks G1, it's up n down. Today I'm painting a living room and yesterday it was just a hope and a plan. Something about benzo withdrawal and healing.....it isn't the same for everyone. I've read of some folks on low dose taking over 24 months to heal and still feeling it 36 months out. If I were still totally "disabled" as I was from this, then I'd be in seeking help. But then again, the "help" around here doesn't have as much experience with benzos, as I do now. All I heard was "let's try this" as I was being handed another prescription. I walked out that last time and haven't gone back. I had made an appt with a benzo psecialist but he cancelled my appt on me due to snow when he was already at the office. I took that as a sign that I didn't need him and still feel that way.

In the beginning for me I was to afraid to post, as some folks respond with such a blatant mannerism, it's frightening. So I went to another place where I kept, and continue to keep a daily blog. On bad days, I've blogged 3-4 times as to my misery. It was to difficult most of the time to read of the pain and trauma others were experiencing. I had fear as bad as anyone else experienced and it's beyond horrible. Am still having moments when I struggle to convince myself of my worthiness. But this morning is not one of those moments. I'm a man with a plan and am focused today..........hurrrrraaaaayyyyyy !

[[th...]]

LS,

 

 

G

[[La...]]

Man, what a day yesterday was. It was the worst day I've had in more than a year. Was almost like it was in the beginning, I was so spacey and out there. Was so bad that my sister tried talking me into going to the hospital. I had bouts of crying that I could not stop. The depressive thoughts were becoming an overload and was more than I could contain.

Now this morning finds me feeling considerably better, almost good. I can feel some electrical current in my arms, but that's about it. My mind isn't racing like it has been and I'm even able to yawn right now.

I have tickets to a concert tonight, Journey and Steve Miller. Lookin like I'm gonna make it to the show !

 

This is cycling so fast now, it's unreal. It's just gotta end soon. These waves and mood swings are unbelievable at times.

[[...]]

God Morning Lakeside, G1, and everyone Else,

 

 

  Hope that everyone is feeling better today.      Hang in there on he bad days, and just keep busy too. Keep your mind busy so it doesn't have time to think about negative things at all. Just to let you know, my days get crazy, not as bad as they were when I went Cold Turkey. But my brain still lets me know that the prescription that I took was poison for me. What a crazy government we have to let these drugs onto the market. They seem to do more harm then fix the problem that the doctors say we had at the time,  Crazy. 

 

  But not looking back at all, Keep Pushing On, with a smile.  .    Trying to get on more these days, but my Studio Recording tends to keep me a little busy.

 

  Still wake up in he morning with tinnitus, but hoping that it will go away within the next year. Going on my Vocation soon and hope hat my brain will be okay with all the planes that I need to be on. Will take my pet, Lulu with me. She is a Red Miniature Poodle. This will help some. The last trip was so crazy, it was like being in a Twilight Movie.    but much prepared for this one.

 

  I do believe that it does take up to 3 years to get back to normal. But everyone is different with their withdraws. Not trying to scare anyone with the time table, but just want everyone to prepare for the time it might take to get back to normal for them. 

 

  Life does go on for all of us when we heal. And it seems to even get better. I myself, learn to appreciate all the people in my life and the little things that I have also. I can see clearly now that the smoke has gone. You will too. I do have a few crazy days, but the symptoms are much lighter.

 

  Have some patients, you will get there soon. And don't judge me on my word mistakes,    brain still healing and not even going back to proof read this, 

 

  Will be back shortly to write more, have a few recordings to do in the Studio right now.

 

 

 

  Godspeed to you all.

 

 

 

  Rocket

[[...]]

  Good Morning Everyone,

 

  Just here to wish Everyone a Better Day or Night.   

 

 

 

  Keep thinking Positive and Stay Busy with things that will keep your mind moving forward and worry free.  I know that sometimes it is hard for you to do, but if you can, get outdoors and enjoy nature. Or, go for a walk if you can. But don't stay in doors, this will drive you mad. 

 

 

  So get outside and soak up some sun and get your Vitamin D for free. 

 

 

 

 

 

  Godspeed to you all,

 

 

 

 

Rocket

[[me...]]

 

  Godspeed to you all,

 

 

 

 

what does this mean? I have heard this expression all my life but never took the time to understand what it meant.

[[La...]]

" Godspeed to you all" means, may you all heal fast and with the care of God.

 

So here's what I posted in my daily blog just a few minutes ago. I had made an appt with my Dr today to talk about my condition.

 

Okay, I made the appt alright and we talked and we talked. She went over my visits for the last 2 yrs. Prior to my getting off xanax and all the times since. She knows how I'm against big pharma and taking more drugs. She said she believes I'm exemplifying moods of bipolar more and more now. I noticed she was very careful when she said it. Her eyes lit up when I told her how much I've been reading at WebMD and Wikipedia about personaly disorders and bipolar with personality separation seems to fit quite a bit lately. She was relieved to see I was on track with her and not opposing her suggestion. She explained to me, much in a manner another doctor did about me being one of those one in a million that benzos are not for. Says she has a lot of patients who take xanax and benefit greatly from it and that I'm the first she's seen that's had such a bad experience with it.

 

Then came her next line. "are you willing to try something to help you out?" My first question was if it was addictive or not. Then I asked about the possible side effects. Then I said, "Ok, I'll try it." So, I'm now taking depakote 125mg twice daily and return to her in a month. What I can say is, I took one immediately at about 6:30pm and it's now 8:30 and what I am feeling now is relief from the edge I had. Freedom if you will. I can have the same exact thoughts I was having and I'm now not having the irritation nor anger associated with those thoughts, nor cog fog. I can think of them and they pass now. In and out, like they never were a bother. I also am feeling relief form that edge of anxiety now too. It's really like a 180 for me this evening from were I've been the last several months. I feel so good as I write this that my eyes are swelling up. Don't get me wrong, I have a long ways to go to be Ok. But this is one fantastic beginning to a means to the end. I honestly feel like a different man this evening. A feeling I've not yet enjoyed since this all began. R E L I E F !

 

She also was quite clear in thinking I do not have Lyme disease, but we're doing a blood draw tomorrow and testing for antibodies. If I have those, then will come the spinal tap for the other definitive tests.

 

All in all, this day is so far from where it began. I cannot believe the trip my mind has taken and I've survived.

 

Rocket, I so hope your vacation goes smooth and you enjoy each and every moment, you deserve it man. And don't worry about your typo's. It's the person inside that I see and you're a really cool guy. Thank you for sticking around these parts and being so encouraging for us. And yes everyone, keep your minds busy with simple tasks folks, just like he says.

 

I just cannot believe this. I feel a little relaxed, a little happy, a lot of relief. No, a TON of relief !

[[me...]]

thanks

 

new question

 

if you are slightly manic depressive, why do you need a drug to change that?

[[La...]]

Hey Mentor, Due to the fact ones' body isn't producing the needed amount of a chemical or to much of another. An example of to much of one would be for folks with anxiety, like me. The adrenal gland is producing to much adrenaline, and one can take buspar to neutralize the adrenaline. Then there are drugs like prozac which just numb peoples minds and makes them oblivious to how they are truly being.

 

So this is my first full day with Depakote in me. I was a little up there upon waking this morning, but nothing like it has been. I don't feel as much relief as I did last evening, but I'm not out there anything such as I was either. I so thank  the doc and God for that. I'm the type that doesn't post or talk about all the hurt or dismay when I'm in that rut, but all those depressive thoughts are there. Today, I had some of the same thoughts that had been interfering with my betterness as of late, but today they just gently swept through my head and I didn't occupy my time analyzing them. They came and went and didn't stick around. This has been my free-est day psycholgically in 22 months now.

Don't get me wrong, as I can still feel the devil inside, but he's really losing now and knows it.

 

I'd like to thank Rocket for starting this thread. I haven't posted a whole lot during this endeavor and am glad you have this thread going.