The Xanax Club, Let Us Know How You Are Feeling Today

[[VC...]]

Didn't sleep, kept waking all night long.Haven't even made my first cut. I did miss taking my evening dose of tart cherry juice (for the melatonin) but wasn't sure it was making a difference. Guess I'll push thru the day if I don't pass out first. Honestly, I don't like being in the Xanax Club - I want out, if you know what I mean

[[La...]]

Hey Guys n Gals. I'm what I'm calling cycling now. One day is pretty good, I can drive, socialize, be out and go, even think. The next and I'm back at nearly square one, with anxiety, moddiness, tension, frustration, irriitable, mind racing...the list goes on. Sometimes it's different from morning to afternoon.

 

Does this mean I'm nearing the end or am I about to lose it  ?

[[he...]]

I would like an answer to that too. I'm at 10 months and things seems to be getting worse not better. Then I will have a good day followed by bad days. So weird. Sometimes I can eat somethingi shouldn't like something sweet and it won't phase me then another day it sends me for a loop de loop. Help??!!??

[[Bl...]]

I am coming up on a year of being Xanax free. I would like to report I am 100 percent every day, but I am not. I still have days when additional stress will put me in a wave. The main symptoms that bother me are cog fog, fatigue and of lack of confidence in myself . Some days I get tired of struggling, and want to give up. But this state of mind will often be followed by days of feeling good about myself and life. I guess the bottom line is that I am still healing. I need to be more patient and kind to myself during this process.

 

Blue

[[Ch...]]

I am coming up on a year of being Xanax free. I would like to report I am 100 percent every day, but I am not. I still have days when additional stress will put me in a wave. The main symptoms that bother me are cog fog, fatigue and of lack of confidence in myself . Some days I get tired of struggling, and want to give up. But this state of mind will often be followed by days of feeling good about myself and life. I guess the bottom line is that I am still healing. I need to be more patient and kind to myself during this process.

 

Blue

 

Hang on, Blue… I saw most of my healing about 15-18 months.

[[Bl...]]

I am coming up on a year of being Xanax free. I would like to report I am 100 percent every day, but I am not. I still have days when additional stress will put me in a wave. The main symptoms that bother me are cog fog, fatigue and of lack of confidence in myself . Some days I get tired of struggling, and want to give up. But this state of mind will often be followed by days of feeling good about myself and life. I guess the bottom line is that I am still healing. I need to be more patient and kind to myself during this process.

 

Blue

 

Hang on, Blue… I saw most of my healing about 15-18 months.

I needed to hear that Challis. Thank you my friend.

 

Blue

[[...]]

Hello Blue,

 

  Sorry for my absence here, just been out of town and trying to get things in order.

 

Just hang in here, you will get better. I know this, I am here at that place, it's just time. I will not

 

sugar coat it, I do get days that are bad, but not as bad as when I cold turkey. 2 years past since I

 

quit the crap, and yes, much better. Maybe 80%, but going to get there. There is a light at the end of

 

the tunnel and I can see it a little. 

 

  You will get better in time, I do understand for me it will take some time, but remember everyone is

 

Different. So you might just turn the page soon or in the near future. just keep a positive attitude,

 

And you will get there. 

 

 

Godspeed to you,   

 

 

Rocket

[[th...]]

I feel like crap...

[[...]]

Hello the Grenich 1

 

  Hang in there, you are just going threw a little phase. We all have or are going threw the same thing. You will get better, just be strong. Look to the future where you will be much better off these crazy pills. Just stay focus, okay.   

 

 

 

 

Godspeed to you,

 

 

 

 

Rocket

[[Up...]]

Hi to all!

 

Thought I would jump in here as well.

 

I feel floaty boaty dizzy, with some head/ear pressure. My usual tinnitus (have had it since the age of 5) much worse..

 

I have been this dizzy pretty much since I started taking the crap, or well anyway very shortly thereafter. I suspect I was in withdrawal all the while I was taking it, must have hit tolerance real quick. Is what I'm saying even possible?

 

Anybody "recovered" from constant non stop dizziness?

 

Upsy

[[La...]]

Hi Folks, it's been a little while since my last post but man, it's just hell ! I'm now at 21 months and am having to push to make it through a day. By that, I mean the cog fog, the irritation, the depression and now the anxiety is beginning to return again. I've been taking vita C am 1,500 mg and pm 2,00 mg and that does help a lot. I just don't get this, being so far out as I am. I did a cold turkey, thanks to the idiot who took me off the xanax, but it was only .5 mg at bed time for 10 yrs.

 

Rocket, talk to me man...pleeeease. I feel like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and sometimes I'm pulling myself up and others times I am slipping away, like now. I make a to do list and still have problems accomplishing things when I go to do them. I get going and then it seems I want to change my mind about how to do it or the way I want it to come out. Then I'm just standing there, feeling stupid, cuz I can't decide which way to go. Then I  stop and dwell in my daze before going back to just sit. Sit and wonder and think and worry all about nothing and yet everything. I've always been a very decisive person too. Never have had any problems with decisions. I'm quite scattered, racey thoughts or else inferior thoughts of myself. Had a small window about 2 months or so ago that lasted a day and was my first window in over 8 months. I do accomplish small tasks, but anything requiring a train of thought and precision is just not possible. Still days when I won't drive or even socialize.

 

Now, I do have something that happened to me last summer, a tick bite. I am bringing this up as I have a friend from the board here who is pretty much convinced she has lyme disease, even though she has never been bitten by a tick. My tick bite did not have a rash as described they do, nor was it the deer tick, It was the dog tick by the pictures I've seen. I mention this as I said, she is so worried it isn't benzo withdrawal that she has seemingly searched out something else that could be wrong with her. But in my case, I seem to not be healing it feels. Or am I just not accepting what it is ? Am I just at a point of worry because I'm not functioning 100% ? It will do my no good to go see a doctor here, as they haven't a clue that benzo's can do this. I just need some reassurance I guess.

 

Thank you much

[[th...]]

Thanks Oi81,

 

I feel like crap everyday, its not a phase. It is my fate at the moment. Will that change? Who knows. I am not holding my breath for anything, other than the day I am in right now. I am in tol wd 24/7 without any windows...ever. I just keep cutting to get off. It doesn't matter usually where I am in a cut, I always feel like crap. Always, everyday, every minute. I'd CT but I am at 3.50mg of X...way to high to jump! I just trudge through the days the best I can, what else is there? Nothing. Just cutting, holding, cutting, holding, cutting, holding....feels like it will be forever to get off. And then who knows what will be....more pain, more fatigue, more bs? Its just an exhausting existence. But I push through and I am going to beat it. At least get off, not sure what will come after that. Only time will tell. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

G

[[me...]]

I feel great today!

[[La...]]

Well, it's a week later and I'm kinda on the  flip side right now. I wake up in a cog fog, then push through it to actually, get this..... ACCOMPLISH things. Yesterday was my most productive day since August 2012. I repainted a bathroom and didn't lose control, nor have a case of the "f" it's. I remained focused (which is key), and painted. Ran into a lil trouble with the skylight, but will get to that. Soon and I will be leaving to get an oil change on my car. After that, maybe paint more or begin organizing my barn. It's finally beginning to happen and I'm calling it. I know it isn't over with yet and I'm a ways from that. But at least I can achieve something that has eluded me for 21 months....being able to focus.

 

theGrinch1, I so remember where you're at and all I went through to get to where I'm at. It's tough, it's confusing, it's pure hell. It will get better and hopefully you'll see a window soon.

[[th...]]

I think it's crazy that a little pill can be so destructive to some. Plus, those it's destroying have such diff experiences. Many on here have less syx below 1 or 2 mg as they taper. Yet others have syx for over a yr after jumping ...even with a sensible taper and following all the rules! And still others who were on .5 mg and tapered have worse after syx than those who tapered from 6 mg or higher! It's so bizarre. I look at a bb who was on 6 mg, tapered over 8 ms, and had very little syx at the end....then another who was on .25 mg and tapered for 12 ms and had protracted syx still 21 ms out!!

 

Wow, it is really just a crap shoot isn't it? At least it makes me feel like a total crap shoot no matter how you taper, the amt your on, and the time u spend tapering. All of it is a crapshoot, not even tapering slow is a guarantee for an easier time at the end. It's just so disappointing to know this. I mean what is the point of tapering slow when you are going to end up wacked out of your mind when you jump anyway? I know, people taper slow to minimize wd syx...well I am already bedridden so does that matter. It scares me to think I am ingesting this poison everyday and will be for many more months messing with my systems only to have a shit yr+ anyway at the end.  If that is going to happen I d rather taper faster now and start my crap yr now than in another 8 ms! I read somewhere that the healing includes the time it took to taper, like you have to add that time to your prison sentence!

 

Sorry, I just don't see any rhyme or reason or patterns here and it frustrates me. People are all over the place with the Xanax wd experience and everyday it makes me want to increase my taper rate just to get off and get on with it...whatever it will be...bc even a slow taper does nothing for my syx...I still can't barely get out if bed or enjoy life...and there is no guarantee an 8 ms taper will help this. I may just be as wacked out at the end of a very long drawn out taper, so why not begin this healing now.

 

Just confused and frustrated,

 

G

[[VC...]]

Dear Grinch,

 

I hear your frustration and relate to it myself.

 

I think the reason people are all over the map with their w/d SXs and experiences has something to do with each individual's underlying cellular health and mental outlook, as well as whether or not they've dropped their doses quickly without allowing for stabilization. We really can't compare our taper with anyone else. Not everyone comes to the benzo recovery camp with the same level of metabolic function, mineral status, or adrenal health. Some have sluggish livers, absorption/gut issues, metabolic pathway problems. Even if benzos contribute greatly to this, the affect still varies person to person. Heck, even our diets are all different! Some, like myself, have tried to taper before and reinstated, possibly 'kindling' after so many mini "cold turkeys," making subsequent tapers a wee more difficult. Some experienced such serious tolerance w/d for years that just getting back to regular dosing before tapering helped them feel human again. Some dosed regularly around the clock; others (like myself) dosed sporadically and messed up their CNS. Some of us have HPA axis dysregulation, no thyroid, pre-existing heart issues, and others - seem okay in that regard. Who knows why we've all had different experiences? We're all different!

 

I understand the confusion and frustration. Trust me, I'm right there with you. These are just some variables I've noted when talking to buddies these past 6 months while considering my own taper options. But it's kinda complicated, if you ask me. Each of us have varying outside stressors, too, which affect progress, not to mention how we respond. The mind/body connection is strong. I was bedridden for 3-4 months, and still get slammed if I go too fast, get stressed, or don't sleep 6 hrs. My adrenals tanked last year.

 

Do I want to speed things up? Sure I do. Can I? Will I? Probably not at this juncture. I don't wanna risk protracted illness if I'm already feeling sick. Some people do better at the beginning of their tapers; others do better towards the end - especially if the drug became somewhat toxic to their system.

 

I hear your heart and hope to encourage you. But if you're looking for justification to speed up your taper, or jump too quickly, I just hope you'll ponder the variables. I'm not expecting to be whacked out of my head when I jump. I fully expect my suffering will be reduced as my receptors have time to upregulate while slowly lowering  my benzo dose.  I also cherish my sleep. Going fast on my taper is a sure path to insomnia, and I can't take meds for sleep, as much as people keep recommending them. Sometimes, like you say, there truly IS no rhyme or reason for things that happen. But usually there is. This terrible angst we feel is part and parcel of the w/d process, IMO. I know you're weary of all this already, and I just wanna throw my arms around you in a big hug. 

 

The fact remains, gaba receptors need TIME to heal. I don't think we can rush that process.

I really hope and pray you'll find some relief soon. I care.

 

V 

[[th...]]

Thanks for caring  ,

 

G

[[La...]]

Grinch1, I feel your dismay, really I do. But, just as I've told a dear friend who is experiencing hell too, that we must allow ourselves to be grateful it isn't worse. For you, with where you're at and the amount you're taking, a cold turkey could throw you into seizures. You're not experiencing those as others have. That's something to be grateful for. I, myself only took .5 mg for sleep for 10-12 yrs and cannot believe I'm pushing onto 2 yrs now of suffering. But my thinking about that does not do one thing for my here and now. It only helps if I look at it in a positive way and that's the fact that I'm not as bad as I was. I've endured anxiety attacks while going through this to the likes of my thinking I was dying. I no longer have those and am extremely grateful. For me, gratitude is key. Having a bit of a reprieve today that wasn't felt yesterday. Being able to drive today as yesterday it was impossible. Sleeping 3 hrs vs only 2 as in the past weeks. All these baby steps begin to add up to betterment. Some folks have full fledged windows, others have  a slight relief for a day or so. I enjoyed a total of three windows in my plight thus far. I now push to acheive and am very grateful I'm now able to push my way through the day. Nothing is coming easy yet, but it's all possible.

For me, the worst was the fear. The fear that truly isn't real. Allow your adult to acknowledge, take command and settle your child for as long as you can. It's possible, I did it and so can you. It does not take away the intesity, but it allowed me to push past it a lot and function.

I wish us all the best in this endeavor.

[[VC...]]

Thanks for caring  ,

 

G

I do care. It's awful stuff. Forgive me for rambling. After all these months, I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe I can't. But what Lakeside64 said really helps me. Sending you both a big hug.  I'm sorry for your suffering. It's not fair. I just want you to be safe and feel better, too.

 

Hugs,

V 

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside,

 

    Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, went on vocation for a few weeks. Just hang in there Man, you will get threw this crap. I'm on month 27th, and it seems to be getting a whole lot better. I do believe that the turning point for us is between month 24 or 30. But everyone will be different with their recovery.

 

  Hang in there, I still get some crazy days, but not as much any more. You will get there soon, just stay positive and you will reap the benefits of getting threw this.

 

  I have to do a few things, but will be back later today to brighten up all my BB and friends.

 

 

Godspeed to you all,

 

 

 

Rocket

[[La...]]

Hi Everyone, and wow, wow, wow is all I'm saying right now.

First, Id like to apologize to VCharis for my respondng to theGrinch1 w/o addressing your post. I honestly do not even remember reading it. I still have terrbile ADHD from this, or at least I'm calling it that. I try to describe this mind racing is liken to reading a book and although my eyes are on page 3, my mind is on page ten. Anyway VCharis, I so agree with all you said. I've even explained to a friend I met here who only took .25 mg for sleep and she's in hell. We're all different, so many variables involved from one person to another. Not everyone is going to feel the same, exact same protracted sx going through this.

I'm afraid if you were to jump Grinch, you could endanger your life. A big jump can result in seizures. So, there is a good reason to go through what you are, before jumping, so as your brain can function w/o going into a life threatening seizure. Seems I remember reading about 19 sx and I had'em all except for hallucinations and seizures going on, mostly all of them at the same time and for weeks. The fear was the worst, so intense. How I managed to get in touch with my adult to help conquer the fear, I do not know. But it worked for me and I hope others who understand the id, ego, super ego can grasp what I did to get through the worst of it. As real as the fear is, it ISN'T real at all. It's our child that's screaming for help and we have to dig deep, really deep to awaken the adult to make a little sense out of it all and bring us back around to an understandable level. It's possible, but it is not easy to do in the face of all that fear. But remember, the fear is not real. It's only in our minds.

This thinking didn't take it away, but made it to where I wasn't hiding inside my house any longer and could walk with my dog outside. Even though I had to take my cell phone at times and pretend to be talking when I approached someone, so I wouldn't have to take a chance on a conversation. That was about week 4-5 for me. Wayyy back in 2012 that was.

 

So back to my here and now...today. Woke up after 6 1/2 hrs of sleep, so not to bad and actually it's pretty good. I had the cog fog and had to get myself through that. Once I did, I mowed lawns, loaded my truck with old garden dirt/debris and hauled that away. All this while still feeling electricity in my legs, that's how fast my mind is going right now.....vaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooom ! I think I'm gonna go take 15 mgs of buspar, wow. But I can think, I can do, I can be ! This is w/o that massive overload of depression today that had weighed me down. I cannot only think today, but I'm making DECISIONS ! Yes, that's right and w/o confusion. It was difficult to get my arse up n going this morning but after that, it hasn't stopped all day.

 

Hey Rocket, glad you're alright and only went on vacation. I made it through that gloomy, dark period, thank you.

 

Hugs back VCharis, thank you.

[[th...]]

Lakeside64,

Don't worry, I have no intentions of jumping till I am down to .0626 mg per day which at 3.25mg right now I have a long way to go. But I am going to let my body run my taper. If I am doing the same as I always am, like crap..I m gonna keep cutting weekly to every 8 days or so. If it starts to matter I ll slow down. I also have no intentions of cutting above the 10% mark. And will adjust my cuts accordingly as I taper down. But...I won't be able to just wait, even with syx, unless I am suicidal or hallucinating I will cont to cut in a reasonable manner just prob not as slow as some. But def not as fast as others either. Prob somewhere in the middle. My last 1mg will take me the longest bc I will be cutting lower doses. Prob all .0625mg cuts. I get it. I just want to get there and be done already. And sadly, there are a lot of people who tapered slowly and are in hell 24 months out so I m not banking on being ok just bc I did a sensible taper, I think that is a complete crapshoot from what I ve researched and seen on this board. Sorry to be so pessimistic but I am not believing that the "it's not a race but a marathon" helps as much as we think. Some people just get lucky IMO. Many people have done a very slow taper and been in just as much hell post benzo for years and still are. Just seems fruitless and hopeless to read that....knowing it may be LONG from over even when "it's over." Makes it worse to know this really and sucks the fight from a person. Makes me sad and depressed at the knowledge that my fight could be another 2 yrs +. I don't think me or my family have that kind of strength with it already going on the 3rd yr of a very long torturous battle. That's why I tend to want to get off and get on with it if it's going to be so much more even after I jump. Not ct, just taper to get off already. Sorry. I m a pill today.

 

G

 

 

[[...]]

Hello Lakeside,

 

  Just checking up on you today to see how you are doing. I hope that you made it threw the tunnel and can smile over the weekend. For me, Thursday was kind of crazy, the grass pollen here in Houston took affect, along with the weed pollon. And I'm sure you know hat that means. Had to take some sinus medicine, and threw off my hole day. Made me tired and a little brain fog. But today doing okay, just a little slow. But he'll, can handle that. Should get better in a day or two.

 

  For me, it's been two years from my Cold Turkey, but I have to say that I m much better than I was when I first started. As the months go by, I hope that I am back to my old self once again.

 

  Hang in there, you will see what I mean. And stay business, this helps the mind from wondering off into different crazy directions. Well it's off to Walley World, will check back here later.

 

  Stay focus on your recovery, that means Everyone else too.

 

 

  Godspeed to you all. 

 

 

Rocket

[[La...]]

Hey Guys, hope you're all doing better. I've been off to the races like you can only imagine...all day long !! Managed 5-6 hrs of sleep and of course I woke up with that dreaded cog fog. Took my dogs for a walk and that helped clear it enough that I got my day under way, as I'm preparing for company tomorrow. This will be my first visit from anyone for a day of fun (I hope) on the lake. I've haven't had anyone over for more than a short visit as we all know what it's like trying to maintain. This will be a huge accomplishment for me to have my friend and his wife over for the entire day and then I'm cooking dinner. I have ribeyes marinating for the grill and all the fixin's. Am so looking forward to this milestone.

 

Rocket, good hearing from you. Sorry to hear about the seasonal allergies. A friend of mine has them and I feel so sorry for him. Yeah, I'm sitting at 21 months right now and it's better, but yet it isn't. I know, you know what I mean. The cog fog is really difficult to get past, or through sometimes. The speedier it is, the better for me. It's when the confusion is there, that it's so overwhelming.

 

As you know Rocket, these waves now, even though aren't as intense as in the beginning, are still something else. This cog fog with depression is either over the top or under the bottom man. I fnd that like you say, keeping myself as occupied as possible takes me through it. It's just getting enough focus to get going. That's my walk with my dogs in the morning to start my day. Thanks for stopping in.

 

Hey G, am glad to read that man. I remember my thinking when I was experiencing this early on and it wasn't inline with how things really go. I've learned this is something that requires being respected, as doing it my way wasn't at all going to help. For me, acceptance of the hell that was to come was key. I found that the more I resisted, the more it hurt in the beginning. It sounds odd, but it's easier for me to deal with someone/somethnig I walk beside vs an enemy. Understanding was/is key for me. The more one understands an enemy, the more likely one is to conquer it.

 

 

[[th...]]

I ve been really melancholy and blah. Sad but not crying sad. Just sick of feeling like crap. Sick of not having a life. Sick of not being able to do what I want. Sick of it all. It makes me pissed off at the world. I am taking the taper as slow and as safe as I can....though I am skeptical of the final outcome and still have moments of wanting to dump 1mg just to move things along quicker. I haven't yet though, trying to be responsible in my taper the best I can. Not easy. I am sick of feeling this way day in and day out and if the only way to get well is get off....well...that messes with my mind. Mornings and nights are the worst for me, and my stomach hates me. But I made another cut yest as you can see in my sign and we ll wait to see how this hits me.

 

G