After benzo "withdrawal" is over, what now for recovery?

[[ve...]]

Hi Vert,

 

No, I worked full time from month 5-17 and then got really symptomatic again month 18 and had to quit.  Then I tried working again full time from month 22-25 and had to quit because it caused really bad anxiety/panic attacks that I had not had since acute withdrawal.  I think the constant stress on my CNS just did me in after 3 straight months.  After I quit, I slept for about two weeks and ever since then have been feeling better and better.  Really started noticing improvements about 26 months off.

 

And, no, this job interview isn't for a part time position.  I wish it was.  I'd rather start part time but I need to take what I can get.  I really need work.  I am just hoping that by 29 months off, I will be able to work through the stress. 

 

But, yeah, this is a good thread because after the worst of the withdrawal, there is another stage to all this...putting a destroyed life back together and rebuilding from the ground up. 

 

Hey Leslie.  It sounds like you were burnt out and needed that two weeks of rest.  Hopefully at 30 months off, things will be a whole new ballgame, as you said.  The benzo and for some, other medications, may have numbed down stress and it can be an adjustment to deal with stress or fatigue without medication.  I didn't personally take any other medication besides valium for the one year but for those who took benzos and other medications, I suspect it may be a greater challenge to face difficult situations.  Also, some used to self medicate with alchohol, not necessarily alcoholism.  I still have an occasional glass or two of wine, did last Saturday at a party. Anything beyond 2 drinks tends to have some reprecussions.  I have really tried to do some work on stress management and look at some past situations that may have kept me blocked via difficult situations in the past.  I think the benzo can block out certain memories and leave one with unprocessed grief or other emotions that one might not have been ready to deal with at the time.  Working through a few issues now can help free up some energy for future success.  While there may be some who took the benzo for something benign like sleep disturbance and may claim no history of anxiety, blues, family problems or other difficulty, I suspect that there are greater numbers of buddies who took the benzo for other reasons which may be best dealt with at some point in recovery.

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

c

[[ve...]]

Thanks Vertigo, i will add to this reply a bit later (still waking up here) 

 

Oscar

 

Hey Oscar.  I know since you've been on 22 years, you have some concerns about recovery?

 

V

[[ve...]]

Further comments on recovery now that withdrawal is almost over?

[[...]]

Hi Vert,

 

No, I worked full time from month 5-17 and then got really symptomatic again month 18 and had to quit.  Then I tried working again full time from month 22-25 and had to quit because it caused really bad anxiety/panic attacks that I had not had since acute withdrawal.  I think the constant stress on my CNS just did me in after 3 straight months.  After I quit, I slept for about two weeks and ever since then have been feeling better and better.  Really started noticing improvements about 26 months off.

 

And, no, this job interview isn't for a part time position.  I wish it was.  I'd rather start part time but I need to take what I can get.  I really need work.  I am just hoping that by 29 months off, I will be able to work through the stress. 

 

But, yeah, this is a good thread because after the worst of the withdrawal, there is another stage to all this...putting a destroyed life back together and rebuilding from the ground up. 

 

Hey Leslie.  It sounds like you were burnt out and needed that two weeks of rest.  Hopefully at 30 months off, things will be a whole new ballgame, as you said.  The benzo and for some, other medications, may have numbed down stress and it can be an adjustment to deal with stress or fatigue without medication.  I didn't personally take any other medication besides valium for the one year but for those who took benzos and other medications, I suspect it may be a greater challenge to face difficult situations.  Also, some used to self medicate with alchohol, not necessarily alcoholism.  I still have an occasional glass or two of wine, did last Saturday at a party. Anything beyond 2 drinks tends to have some reprecussions.  I have really tried to do some work on stress management and look at some past situations that may have kept me blocked via difficult situations in the past.  I think the benzo can block out certain memories and leave one with unprocessed grief or other emotions that one might not have been ready to deal with at the time.  Working through a few issues now can help free up some energy for future success.  While there may be some who took the benzo for something benign like sleep disturbance and may claim no history of anxiety, blues, family problems or other difficulty, I suspect that there are greater numbers of buddies who took the benzo for other reasons which may be best dealt with at some point in recovery.

 

Vertigo

 

Haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit benzos.  I never was much of a drinker anyway so it wasn't hard to give up at all and I don't plan on ever drinking again.  And I haven't taken any other meds throughout all this.  I'm completely med-free.  I've been seeing a counselor twice a week for awhile now and never really had any anxiety issues prior to benzos at all.  Sure, I might feel anxious before giving a presentation or, I dunno, just normal stuff to get anxious about....but even then, I didn't ever feel all that anxious and my body would quickly calm back down. 

 

I think what I am experiencing personally is still residual CNS damage.  It's frustrating.  I had a job interview today.  One hour with a panel of five people peppering me with questions.  I did okay but it took several hours to calm down from it afterward.  That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.  Still having that adrenaline feeling hours after a stressful event.  I can cope with it, I'm just tired of it. 

[[os...]]

Thanks Vertigo, i will add to this reply a bit later (still waking up here) 

 

Oscar

 

Hey Oscar.  I know since you've been on 22 years, you have some concerns about recovery?

 

V

 

OK, good question, i am tired but i will try and answer the best i can.

 

I took the benzo in the evenings only, so as far as i was concerned, i was drug free in the day times in all those years, i knew nothing about half lifes etc but i never had issues with interdose withdrawals or whatever, it was my "mild" evening chill pill and was better than alcohol given that i could not drink every night, the benzo was a sort of substitute in a sense... it blocked out the urge to imbibe really well and so i saw it as a healthier alternative... this was back when it was the late 80´s and my (then) GP did not warm me of long term use so i thought nothing of it.

 

My main concerns after all the years taking it is rebound stuff, there has been a lot of tragedy in my life and trauma too and i am slightly wondering if all of that is going to come back and if so, how will i deal with it all? I think these past tragedies are dealt with to a large degree but i never realize how dumbed down my emotions were and so there is a chance certain things in my past may come back and that may be quite upsetting...

 

My other main concern is will being benzo free be all i hope it will be? I know after withdrawal i will have to get over the post benzo period, i realize i will have a raw CNS for maybe a couple of years, sleep may be an issue for awhile although i have never suffered insomnia... i guess i just wonder if life will be as great as i hope it will be (the window i had back in February was amazing, that was so nice and i felt like a teenager again, life had vibrancy and a clarity to it and it felt so peaceful and i just felt like i had returned home for those few hours)... If benzo freedom is anything like that window, i feel i will actually have more confidence than i have ever had before, i still do not believe i have anxiety, although the anxiety regarding getting off this drug successfully has me very anxious at times, yet that, i am sure, is drug induced anxiety...

 

I have this picture of what life will be like and yet it may not be like it at all... yet i have to do this and i will know whether or not i can get "me" back and lead a productive and purposeful life after all of this, i know it is going to take time to get my fitness back and all the rest of it but i realize that this is my big second chance at living how i have wanted to live for a long time, free of alcohol, free of pills and just being grateful for the time i am here you know? My priorities have changed, this will have changed me too but i just hope that my dream of living a better life is not fraught with anxiety and problems, i know life can be stressful and anxiety will always be a part of life in certain situations, i just hope i am far stronger post all of this to deal with it without labeling myself as anxious... i do not think i am anymore... i was when i was younger but i can be very assertive and strong in the way i carry myself... for example, it has been said to me that i do not come across as shy, that i am even intimidating at times (yet i do not always feel confident), yet off the benzo, i may find that some of my insecurities resurface... that is a concern but i have a feeling i will be out there really making up for lost time you know?

 

Do not get me wrong, i know it is going to take a lot of effort, one concern is that i may experience a desire for alcohol again on occasion, yet i will not have a benzo to pop to take the edge off BUT i am hoping that with AA meetings and generally filling my life with the things i love, i will be so grateful to have my life back that i will not even think of drinking again... in many ways i feel this benzo journey is like a warning to stay off the drink and be grateful for a new slate... i lived a good life before in many ways but i also missed out a lot and made choices on the benzo i may not have made had i been clean, there may be regrets to come to terms with, that is a big concern i think along with the sheer number of years i have been living in a benzo fog, that saddens me because i did not realize how dulled my thinking had become... the clarity i have now is so much more than before and i know it will get so much better... yet i know that life will be pretty full on in many ways, i hope i will deal with it, like i say, i expect a period of adjusting from stress to sleep and yet apparently, all woes and health ailments disappear for many once off the drug and i do believe i will fully heal given time... and i am sure that any past upsets, bereavements and regrets i can face and hopefully forgive others and forgive myself and move on with a heart full of love and compassion for others and reserving just a bit of both for myself too... none of us are here forever, just to be drug free will (hopefully) feel like a blessing in time... I still have dreams and yet in many ways i think i will have to start from scratch... my first steps will be to get into recovery mode and strengthen that, it will be my number one priority along with my physical health... the rest i do not know... in many ways, after being on the drug for so long, i simply cannot predict how i will be... i hope to be the best i can be and that past issues do not prevent me from finding some peace after all these years... i hope, more than anything, to find myself and be happy and maybe somewhat wiser in the life i have left... i have not been living anywhere near my potential and there is so much i want to embrace and see and do and feel... i have a deep desire to push myself in ways i never would have dreamed, i am acutely aware of the time i have lost and i want to make every single day count... i just hope i am not to late and that life really can be good again... i have a feeling it will be but i think it will take some doing but ultimately, i hope that much of the whole benzo issue resolves itself in time, i think it will and when the nervous system fully heals, i think there will be no stopping me.

 

Oscar

[[os...]]

PS:

 

I realize that a lot of this is going to take time... and i have a long way to go before i am even free but i am confident in a relatively swift recovery once i am off (this is partially due to the fact i know i am not going to be free anytime soon so it will have been a very long taper and i know i have healed in many ways, i should know as i am feeling more alive and after 22 years i should have some idea of healing)

 

However, i do not anticipate these last mgs to be easy, so i think i will be healing like in a post benzo type way until i am free, if that makes any sense, what i mean is that i think post benzo recovery (as in symptoms) will be short lived but the whole CNS to a calmer state may take some considerable time... a year or so... and with that i think the benefits will truly start to be felt.

 

I may be looking at my new life ahead with rose tinted glasses... but we all have to dream, right?

 

It may just be that life will not be as i had hoped and that years out i may even come to the conclusion that being benzo free is not so great... i really do not know but if i cannot gain back most of what i want out of this, who knows? I may go back, i may end up thinking that life was better on than off, i just know that alcohol will be off limits completely... yet if i ever come to the conclusion years off that life is too hard off benzo´s, then i will maybe have a rethink but i honestly hope to be able to apply new coping skills to anything in life that is hard to deal with and i hope that by being benzo free i am actually stronger and learn to tackle life head on, even when times are tough... i realize life will still have lows as well as highs but i can only do my best... in many ways i think it will either be great to be off or it will be a struggle... i still have faith in that i will find that being free really is worth it... yet if i ever find after some considerable time that i am not able to adjust... well then who knows? I may just end up thinking life is too short and reinstate but i honestly cannot see that happening... i am hoping it will be the last thing i would ever want but time will tell... i do not intend to suffer for years, there is a limit... the alcohol will be something i will have to work at for life, even if i think i no longer miss it but with the benzo, it all depends on whether i really can heal enough after all these years and indeed if i am an anxious type once off, i do not think i will be but i really cannot say that with certainty yet... if life is hard off and my quality of life does not get better, i would not rule out going back if i really felt more life was passing me by... it might be that i have issues (symptoms) for years, i would not be happy if i was still suffering 3 years out after such a long taper, that seems unlikely to happen but that said, after all these years it may be too late for me now, i will not know until i am free what is left but i like to think i will feel like i have a new lease of life, i still have faith that, given time, i will be far happier free... that i can get fit again and i can get a new life but only time will tell i guess...

 

Oscar

[[ve...]]

Thanks for your replies Oscar.  I have to drive carpool this morning so I will have to reply a little later.

 

Vertigo

[[ve...]]

Hi Vert,

 

No, I worked full time from month 5-17 and then got really symptomatic again month 18 and had to quit.  Then I tried working again full time from month 22-25 and had to quit because it caused really bad anxiety/panic attacks that I had not had since acute withdrawal.  I think the constant stress on my CNS just did me in after 3 straight months.  After I quit, I slept for about two weeks and ever since then have been feeling better and better.  Really started noticing improvements about 26 months off.

 

And, no, this job interview isn't for a part time position.  I wish it was.  I'd rather start part time but I need to take what I can get.  I really need work.  I am just hoping that by 29 months off, I will be able to work through the stress. 

 

But, yeah, this is a good thread because after the worst of the withdrawal, there is another stage to all this...putting a destroyed life back together and rebuilding from the ground up. 

 

Hey Leslie.  It sounds like you were burnt out and needed that two weeks of rest.  Hopefully at 30 months off, things will be a whole new ballgame, as you said.  The benzo and for some, other medications, may have numbed down stress and it can be an adjustment to deal with stress or fatigue without medication.  I didn't personally take any other medication besides valium for the one year but for those who took benzos and other medications, I suspect it may be a greater challenge to face difficult situations.  Also, some used to self medicate with alchohol, not necessarily alcoholism.  I still have an occasional glass or two of wine, did last Saturday at a party. Anything beyond 2 drinks tends to have some reprecussions.  I have really tried to do some work on stress management and look at some past situations that may have kept me blocked via difficult situations in the past.  I think the benzo can block out certain memories and leave one with unprocessed grief or other emotions that one might not have been ready to deal with at the time.  Working through a few issues now can help free up some energy for future success.  While there may be some who took the benzo for something benign like sleep disturbance and may claim no history of anxiety, blues, family problems or other difficulty, I suspect that there are greater numbers of buddies who took the benzo for other reasons which may be best dealt with at some point in recovery.

 

Vertigo

 

Haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit benzos.  I never was much of a drinker anyway so it wasn't hard to give up at all and I don't plan on ever drinking again.  And I haven't taken any other meds throughout all this.  I'm completely med-free.  I've been seeing a counselor twice a week for awhile now and never really had any anxiety issues prior to benzos at all.  Sure, I might feel anxious before giving a presentation or, I dunno, just normal stuff to get anxious about....but even then, I didn't ever feel all that anxious and my body would quickly calm back down. 

 

I think what I am experiencing personally is still residual CNS damage.  It's frustrating.  I had a job interview today.  One hour with a panel of five people peppering me with questions.  I did okay but it took several hours to calm down from it afterward.  That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.  Still having that adrenaline feeling hours after a stressful event.  I can cope with it, I'm just tired of it. 

 

I agree that residual CNS "damage" is possible.  My hat is off to you, Leslie,  for being able to get out there and endure a job interview with five people.  Without a benzo history, I would think that would be quite stressful and challenging for anyone!  I think we sometimes forget what is "normal anxiety" compared to some over the top reaction from a sensitive CNS.  I am familiar with adrenalin surges.  On the other hand, I had anxiety before benzos and recall having them before a job interview or two in the past.  Is it possible that the adrenalin surge was greater or felt more intense based on the prior benzo use and healing, I suppose it is possible.  Adrenalin surges may be common in both cases.

 

Vertigo

[[Sh...]]

I think we are all very brave people who endured something horrific, which will not necessarily be acknowledged by many outside of our little benzo community. The fact that we were able to get off means we were able to cope with something very difficult, which will serve us well for the rest of our lives. While being able to pick up the pieces is painful, it's OK. Think about it - we were all basically *sick* for our withdrawal. Just like someone with a more acknowledged illness, regular life ceases to exists when we are sick. But, we heal and then regular life begins again. We do not get the sick time back, we simply begin living again. The bright side of benzo withdrawal is that we heal. Not everyone who is sick gets to heal. I think you should all give yourselves proper credit for being brave humans who did the right thing. It is possible for all of us to begin living again. Chances are that our lives may take on new and better directions.

[[ve...]]

c

[[ve...]]

I think we are all very brave people who endured something horrific, which will not necessarily be acknowledged by many outside of our little benzo community. The fact that we were able to get off means we were able to cope with something very difficult, which will serve us well for the rest of our lives. While being able to pick up the pieces is painful, it's OK. Think about it - we were all basically *sick* for our withdrawal. Just like someone with a more acknowledged illness, regular life ceases to exists when we are sick. But, we heal and then regular life begins again. We do not get the sick time back, we simply begin living again. The bright side of benzo withdrawal is that we heal. Not everyone who is sick gets to heal. I think you should all give yourselves proper credit for being brave humans who did the right thing. It is possible for all of us to begin living again. Chances are that our lives may take on new and better directions.

 

Thanks Shetland.  I appreciate the optimism in reminding us that this journey takes bravery and that coping with the benzo journey will serve us well in the future .

 

V

[[ve...]]

 

 

It may just be that life will not be as i had hoped and that years out i may even come to the conclusion that being benzo free is not so great... i really do not know but if i cannot gain back most of what i want out of this, who knows? I may go back, i may end up thinking that life was better on than off, i just know that alcohol will be off limits completely... yet if i ever come to the conclusion years off that life is too hard off benzo´s, then i will maybe have a rethink but i honestly hope to be able to apply new coping skills to anything in life that is hard to deal with and i hope that by being benzo free i am actually stronger and learn to tackle life head on, even when times are tough... i realize life will still have lows as well as highs but i can only do my best... in many ways i think it will either be great to be off or it will be a struggle... i still have faith in that i will find that being free really is worth it... yet if i ever find after some considerable time that i am not able to adjust... well then who knows? I may just end up thinking life is too short and reinstate but i honestly cannot see that happening... i am hoping it will be the last thing i would ever want but time will tell... i do not intend to suffer for years, there is a limit... the alcohol will be something i will have to work at for life, even if i think i no longer miss it but with the benzo, it all depends on whether i really can heal enough after all these years and indeed if i am an anxious type once off, i do not think i will be but i really cannot say that with certainty yet... if life is hard off and my quality of life does not get better, i would not rule out going back if i really felt more life was passing me by... it might be that i have issues (symptoms) for years, i would not be happy if i was still suffering 3 years out after such a long taper, that seems unlikely to happen but that said, after all these years it may be too late for me now, i will not know until i am free what is left but i like to think i will feel like i have a new lease of life, i still have faith that, given time, i will be far happier free... that i can get fit again and i can get a new life but only time will tell i guess...

 

Oscar

 

Oscar.  It is normal to be concerned about how life will be, particularly after being on a benzo 22 years.  That being said, while anything is possible, I think it is very likely that you are going to be very pleased to be off the benzo and have your brain and life back!  That doesn't mean it will be easy, particularly that first six months or so off, but nothing worth fighting for in life is necessarily easy, right?  You might find that the benzo was covering up some underlying anxiety which you will learn to cope with.  Take it one day at a time.  Caution. A "new life" does not mean a problem free life.  It still may have ups and downs, anxiety may rear its head sometimes,  but at least you will be you and not a zombie whose emotions and brain were covered up with an artificial brain numbing substance.

 

Vertigo

[[os...]]

Hi V,

 

I kind of thought i was OK on the benzo, i only took it in the evenings, life was OK but i may have started having some tolerance issues, i did notice in the last couple of years being on the full dose that i started getting quite bad headaches and quite often and that my neck would be stiff a lot of the time... also i was starting to find bright sunlight hard to deal with, these are classic benzo tolerance issues, so i may have not had much more time on the benzo problem free...

 

I think life will be better once off... i think the alcohol issue may be harder at times but hopefully with AA and working on minimizing stress and focusing on health, i am pretty sure life will be better... but i think it may take some effort for awhile to get used to having nothing to take the edge off in times of stress...

 

I got so used to those little pills to get through...

 

I can picture myself doing lots of evening walks... and AA meetings... i think life will be very different, hopefully in a positive way... helping others will be high on the agenda, nothing like helping others to take the focus off oneself... it really works.

 

Oscar

[[ve...]]

c

[[ve...]]

Thanks Oscar.  Yes, I agree that exercise and maybe going to some AA meetings could be helpful.

 

V

[[ve...]]

Any further comments?