28 month free update

[[BY...]]

Actually, those words do not sound dark at all, that's just the way it is sometimes and as you said, people who have been through it will understand completely. I sure do.

 

Yes, you've come a long way Leslie, and you're showing others how it's possible to do so.

 

Mike

[[ve...]]

That which doesn't kills us, makes us stronger.

 

Nietzsche

[[ch...]]

i am 29months benzo free,but only 12 weeks a/d free.i feel like im going through it all again.if i could stop the adrealin 24/7 i think i would feel so much better.when did yours stop and how.does the heart really stop pounding inyour chest............x

[[km...]]

Um 8 months off my ad and still have a lot of bad days. At least I'm not as house bound as I used to be. Hang in there

Hugs

[[Me...]]

I loved this.  I too suffer from bad depression.  I am fortunate just to be alive,  suicide almost took my life 3 times.

 

Its so nice to hear your depression lifted.    It gives me a lot hope.

[[il...]]

Hi L,

 

Thanks for coming back and posting, your story keeps me positive. I'm still tapering but I've had a tough withdrawal.

 

A couple of quick questions if you have time to answer.

 

What type of symptoms did the heavy excercise bring back? I was hopeful that maybe 6 or 8 months after I finish my taper I could get back to the gym.

 

You mention you have recovered some of your motivation but not all. What % post vs pre withdrawal.

Did your hair recover?

 

Again, thanks for posting, means so much to us who are struggling.

 

Golf

 

[[...]]

Thanks Rock, Mike, Vertigo and Methereal  . 

[[...]]

i am 29months benzo free,but only 12 weeks a/d free.i feel like im going through it all again.if i could stop the adrealin 24/7 i think i would feel so much better.when did yours stop and how.does the heart really stop pounding inyour chest............x

 

I was doing okay on the anxiety for awhile until I started a new job at 22 months out.  I think it was the stress of that job that caused a huge influx of symptoms to resurface.  From month 22-26 I dealt with acute anxiety and panic attacks that I had not had since the first two months after I c/t.  I quit the job and within 2 weeks the panic/anxiety was gone.  Note:  I didn't have any anxiety or panic issues prior to starting benzos, only upon withdrawal. 

 

So for me, I think it was quitting work and resting that helped it go away.  Those first two weeks after leaving work I slept a lot, didn't work out, just took it easy as you would if you had the flu or something.  Then it all went away.

[[...]]

Hi L,

 

Thanks for coming back and posting, your story keeps me positive. I'm still tapering but I've had a tough withdrawal.

 

A couple of quick questions if you have time to answer.

 

What type of symptoms did the heavy excercise bring back? I was hopeful that maybe 6 or 8 months after I finish my taper I could get back to the gym.

 

You mention you have recovered some of your motivation but not all. What % post vs pre withdrawal.

Did your hair recover?

 

Again, thanks for posting, means so much to us who are struggling.

 

Golf

 

Hi Golf,

 

There is a thread about how the HPA axis is affected in benzo wd and also how exercise can disrupt the balance, if you're interested.  Actually, after the first two months off benzos when I was starting to feel somewhat normal again, I started running three miles a day, everyday.  I ran outside in the summer heat.  I had to do it to get rid of the excess adrenaline, I wasn't doing it to get in shape.  Nothing else took away the restlessness and anxiety. 

 

Then for awhile I wasn't working out all that much when the anxiety morphed into depression.  So, at 2 years out, I thought I'd be in the free and clear to start working out again.  I started up hardcore with a personal trainer working out every day, very heavy workouts.  Looking back, duh, that was dumb but I thought at 2 years out I could totally handle it.  So, my advice would be to start very slow and see how your body handles it.  If you don't notice any increase in symptoms then keep on!  I now walk 30 minutes a day and have had no problems with that at all.  Occasionally I'll run a mile just because I get the itch and want so badly to go back to running.  I love to run, always have!  But I'm very careful now not to overdo it, even if I'm feeling well.  I am very slowly and gradually building back up.  I really don't push myself at all.

 

The symptoms that returned were nocturnal panic attacks, high, chronic anxiety and a few panic attacks.  I had never had any anxiety issues prior to benzos.  After one particular heavy upper body workout (weights), about an hour later I was rushed to the ER by ambulance because my arms became paralyzed and I could not lift them.  The ER doctor diagnosed me with low potassium levels and said that can happen after a workout.  The potassium levels the muscles and can cause temporary paralysis.  It was pretty scary.  I don't know if that had anything to do with benzo wd, though.

 

As far as motivation, I experienced severe anhedonia throughout most of my withdrawal.  There were times I didn't have enough motivation to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, complete basic activities of daily living.  My motivation levels prior to withdrawal...well, I guess I should say prior to the 3 years I was on benzos, too, because the benzos definitely took away my motivation, pre-benzos my motivation was high.  I was creative, inspired, passionate about helping abused children, I worked for political causes, I loved my job, I went out salsa dancing with friends, etc.  I was normal!  During withdrawal my motivation level dropped to zero for a long, long time.  At 28 months, I'd say it's about 50% of what it used to be.  I am hopeful that it will all come back.

 

I did lose a lot of hair in withdrawal, as well.  It finally stopped shedding in large amounts around 18 months off.  It started growing back in around 2 years off.

 

Everything is balancing itself out slowly but it sure does take a loooong time.

[[...]]

L123, can you feel love? It's the biggest loss I've had from all of this, my ability to feel love. I wonder if it will come back even some.

[[km...]]

MMIR,

It comes back really slowly.  In very small increments and when you least expect it.  It's taken 23 months for me to start feeling small windows of love again.  Hang in there.

Hugs

Kristin

[[Ma...]]

Hi there,

    Thanks for writing your success story! I'am 22 months free and not feeling well AGAIN! Idk...but this is frustrating, I have insomnia, anxiety, rapid heartbeat and restlessness! I have had some really long windows where I have felt good...is this normal? Help please!!! Thanks, Mary

[[...]]

L123, can you feel love? It's the biggest loss I've had from all of this, my ability to feel love. I wonder if it will come back even some.

 

Hi mmir,

 

I agree with what Kristin said.  It comes back slowly and it's still not there all that much for me but it's gradually returning.

[[...]]

Hi there,

    Thanks for writing your success story! I'am 22 months free and not feeling well AGAIN! Idk...but this is frustrating, I have insomnia, anxiety, rapid heartbeat and restlessness! I have had some really long windows where I have felt good...is this normal? Help please!!! Thanks, Mary

 

I think it's normal for protracted withdrawal.  From month 22-26 I got really sick and was so discouraged because I thought it couldn't be withdrawal any more.  I didn't have anxiety issues prior to benzos and then had extreme anxiety and panic attacks for the first six weeks after detox.  Then I was okay but around 2 years off, I was working a stressful full time job and also started working out heavily and the anxiety and panic attacks came back!  I didn't know what to make of it. 

 

So yes, I think it's quite possible it's withdrawal.

[[...]]

29 month free update:

 

Feeling better than I have since this whole thing started roughly 3 years ago (when tolerance and inter dose withdrawal forced me to quit my private practice as a therapist...I didn't know then that's what it was, though). 

 

I am feeling more and more stable emotionally and just, well, NORMAL!  I'm still not working so that will be a test to see if I can remain working full time (I tried to work again from month 23-26 and had to quit because of severe anxiety/panic attacks and multiple other symptoms.)

 

As I said before, starting with month 26 I have noticeable healing going on.  Every month gets better with just some small setbacks each month. 

 

I was really concerned because after two years, I very much doubted this had anything to do with withdrawal.  But it was withdrawal.  After 3 years of this, it feels so amazing to feel good.

 

The things that have improved from just the last month's update:

 

Still no stomach problems (I had one mild/brief episode, that's it).

 

This past month I haven't been waking up to any intrusive thoughts, anxiety or depression (that was with me constantly the entire withdrawal)

 

I had been having nocturnal panic attacks nightly and sometimes 2-3 times per night, I have had just a couple this past month

 

Benzo rage is GONE!  (I used to be SO irritable all the time, up to the 2 year mark I would throw things at the wall in my rages)  Now I get irritable (only occasionally) but I am able to deal with it as a normal adult would and not fly off the handle (this is wonderful to have this kind of control)

 

The depression is very, very mild to GONE!  This was one of my worst symptoms.  I am still having a hard time believing this one has actually gone away for the most part.

 

This is what I have left at 29 months out:

 

Still have some difficulty dealing with a sudden, intense stressor

 

Probably still have difficulty dealing with long term, ongoing stress (such as holding a full time job, but I don't know yet since I don't have a job)

 

Tinnitus (don't notice it during the day, only at night, it is getting softer)

 

No longer have anhedonia (which is a miracle because I had that for the entire withdrawal period)

 

Motivation and passion for life is actually coming back (I still cannot believe this is really happening I am so excited)  It's not to it's pre benzo days but I am now feeling something good, like life is good and it's worth living and I've got things to do and places to be and people to see kinda thing!

 

Just this month I have been contacting friends (who went on with their lives because I was unable to go out at all).  I've been having long chats with them on the phone and I even had a friend over yesterday with her new baby (first time I have had a friend over since this whole thing began).

 

I am going to church again and staying for the entire service (I had pushed myself to go quite a few times in withdrawal and had to leave during the opening songs usually because the noise level bothered me and I still couldn't socialize)

 

Now if only I could know that this would last!  I will keep updating so others can see how recovery takes place for some.  For me, it has been gradual and very slow but after month 26 much more obvious and fast paced.

[[km...]]

I'm crying reading this Leslie.....sounds wonderful and I'm so happy for you.  I hope things just get better and better and know this post gives me hope I will recover as well.  You have always been a nice supporter for me and I can't thank you enough.  I'm still struggling daily but I do see some improvements.  My biggest fear is I'm only 9 months off the anti-depressant and even though I'm almost 24 months post benzo I might still have another year to feel better because of wait so long to get off the ad.  I can't wait until I can step back into church again.  Right now I just can't bring myself to do it.  My faith has been challenged so much. It's still there just not as powerful as it used to be. 

Hugs

Kristin

[[On...]]

I am so happy for you!Its good to know it will come in time and you give me hope!Thanks for sharing!..I will be 1 yr off of benzos oct 3rd and recently had a 1 month window where i felt great considering how i had been..Then bam its back to feeling like crap again all tho as my husband says my worst days now are better than my good days a yr ago..Yay for that!...Wishing you all the best!

[[ch...]]

JUST POPPING IN TO SAY HI AND HOPE YOUR HAVING A NICE PEACEFUL WEEKEND.YOUR DOING SO WELL.IM 30 MONTHS BENZO FREE AND 4 MONTHS OFF A/D AT THE MOMENT.STILL FEELING ROUGH,BUT WE JUST HAVE TO CARRY ON DONT WE.TAKE CARE,,,,,,,,,,,X

[[Ho...]]

So happy for you Leslie...picture Snoopy doing his happy dance....both feet off the ground and smiling....keep healing, keep going...and go live your life.....

Lots of Love

Hoping2BFree

[[to...]]

Hi Leslie, great job amd congratulation on your healing, just want to ask you somthing, I am 23 months off CT, and still have the vagus nerve thing pumping it comes and goes, and GI issues, specially sensetivities with food, did you get past these sensetivities, when I don't deviate I am quite ok, I can go out and drive and have more inthusiasm, I also have constipation and stomach acidity and cramps, just like you, and offcourse benzo belly did this things paased for you, thanks it is very small and sloww process like you said and once I feel I am better I get dump and eat certain foods and then get slammed again, woooow what a process