reinstatement?

[[ll...]]

I was wondering how many have reinstated after a rapid taper? i came off 2.5mgs in 9 months and am hurting real bad. The altered reality... and the ideations are getting real bad. I think i might go back on and then try to get stable and then come off real, real slow.

 

has anyone had to do that?

 

looking forward to hear from you,

 

bobby

[Guest [Si...]]

Bobby, Hi

 

I have the altered reality as well along with a few other symptoms you described.

 

I wouldn't reinstate.

The call is up to you.

But you are off and healing.

 

I don't know if a reinstatement would help as far out as you are.

 

Billy.

[[Go...]]

Bobby did you stay at alternative to meds for 9 months? Reason I ask is because I did their program in 2009 in San Fran and it was a 2 month program. I've also gone through POR. How quickly did you taper like what percentage per week?

[[ll...]]

Yes, I was at ATMC. I was there for One YEAR. I tapered for 9 months. Then all hell broke loose. I was coming off .125 every 7- 10 days. I had to stop and go back up three times because the suicidal ideations go too bad. At 45% off I had to go back to 35%. At 70% I had to go back to 60% and at 95 percent i had to go back to 85%. The staff was making fun of me because i was going so slow.

 

They were taking everyone else of in 6 weeks. What a mess. No one is doing well.

[[ll...]]

One of the worst symptoms i have is ... i feel like i am going crazy... i can't stop crying and pacing and I don't no where to go, and i don't understand things... like, i don't understand where food comes from ... and then I get all manic and don't know what i am going to do next and i feel like my brain is going to explode!  Good fun like that. I can only come on the computer in the late night. For some reason, it lets up a bit before bedtime.

 

I feel like I am going to die every second of every minute.... and then the ideations come and and i feel like I have to die!  WAY MESSED UP! I don't want to die... why would i have those BS thoughts?  SO MUCH FUN!  I lay down in my bed at night and can't believe i made it through another day. The thought of how long this could last... and that i have seen it last in others... is just way too much to handle.... and now i can't exercise at all..... a few push ups and i am so sick and worse the next day... I can't sit still and I can't exercise? How can i pull this off?  I can't lay down during the day... because the ideations get too intense... so i have to keep moving.... i feel like I am going to go insane at any second...

 

Anyone else playing this game?

 

blessings,

 

bobby

[Guest [Si...]]

Bobby,

 

Listen, you will get through this.

 

I know it's hard.

Keep in touch with family and you talk with Baylissa.

 

You said you were starting to sleep, that is an improvement.

 

Hang in there.

 

Billy.

[[...]]

Dude, you sound like you're in rough shape. I don't have the suicidal ideations but I do have intrusive thoughts that last for weeks, and can only get out of my head for like 10 minutes at a time. Look, you'll get better. Last week I was ***** fed up, at my wit's end, after 4 months off I thought I was going to go crazy. And I'm doin better today. So, just stick it out. At some point, it WILL be over.

 

 

Edit: profanity

[Guest [Tu...]]

I've reinstated three times before and they were all big mistakes!

 

If you've got the drugs out of your system and you can hang in there for a while, just tough it out. I did a c/t on September 7 and the first 6 weeks or so were really, really bad. I'm now just one day past the two-month mark and while I'm having a tough time with anxiety, the d/p and d/r are virtually gone.

 

Think about it. You just went through a horrible taper. Do you really want to get back on the pills and do a slow taper? Sooner or later you've got to get off the benzos, and you're there now, so why go back. Keep moving forward. Things will ease up as your brain begins to adjust to life free from benzos.

 

I wish you success in whatever you decide to do.

 

Tucson

 

Me on Day 61 of my final c/t:

[[ll...]]

It seems that most have reinstated. I am ten months off and it is so GNARLY! I am in this Altered Reality NON STOP.  All this horrible pain, Ideations... you can't make up this kind of torture.  It would be one thing if i could just sit around and heal, but that isn't what i am doing.

 

I am loosing my mind... manic  from when i get out of bed, pacing and crying and trying not to hurt myself. Then i get in my car and i don't know where to go... i don't feel safe anywhere. Like i am naked and running around the streets screaming bloody murder.  It feels like someone hit me with a baseball bat in my head... every thing is all dizzy and not right. I don't recognize things or understand the simplest things.  LIke, i don't understand my feet? How do people walk with thier feet? They are long and what do the toes do? Why do we have 5 toes? Crazy shit like that! It doesn't stop with my feet? I don't understand why people have hair on their heads?  I mean i know it is for warmth but .... anyone know what i mean? 

 

and now... if i do any exercise it gets so much worse. That was my one saving grace... and now it has been taken away. Seriously, how do some of you do this?  This trying to stay busy is an understatement.  THis is stay busy or die!

 

My brain feels like it will never come back. I am thinking about checking myself into this place : http://www.livingsober.com/newsite/index2.html they say they understand protracted withdrawal and are helping a lot of people right now.

 

Any thoughts would be great.

 

thanks,

 

bobby

[[sw...]]

Could you please put your benzo history, including which benzo you were on, in your signature, please?  You can look at mine and others for examples.  This will help people give you better advice any time you post.

 

[Guest [Si...]]

It seems that most have reinstated. I am ten months off and it is so GNARLY! I am in this Altered Reality NON STOP.  All this horrible pain, Ideations... you can't make up this kind of torture.  It would be one thing if i could just sit around and heal, but that isn't what i am doing.

 

Bobby,

 

I have the Altered Reality too.. nothing makes sense. Well, it does but it doesn't.. if that makes sense? 

 

I have it nearly 24/7. This is the brain healing. Keep going and I wouldn't reinstate.. BUT that's your call.

 

It was nice chatting with you.

 

Billy.

[[...]]

Bobby, you mentioned wondering about hair on the head. There are a few reasons--insulation, as you stated, is one. The brain uses a lot of energy, by-product is heat. Another reason is for aesthetics--due to sexual selection. Chicks apparently dig a guy with hair. Those are the two big reasons. We also retained some body hair via evolution in order to appear more threatening when we get scared--it's why your hairs stand up when you're scared. Same reason a blow fish puffs up.

[[ba...]]

I don't think rehab facilities work for most benzo-dependent people, simply because we are "dependent" and not "addicted".  12 steps, having a higher power, etc. DO NOT WORK for benzodiazapines.  All those facilities do is make you feel like a drug-addict user/loser. 

 

If you feel that your sanity is on the line, I would reinstate, but ONLY a little.  Of course, talk to your pdoc about it first if you can.  If you feel as if you're breaking with reality and can't handle the thoughts anymore, and have benzos on hand, by all means, if I were you, I would reinstate just to save my own life.  But I am not a doctor. 

 

Listen to your body and mind....  They will tell you what to do. 

[[ll...]]

I feel like i am going to die... 24/7. I feel like i have to die ... 24/7.  when i lay down at night... i can't believe i made it through another day.  I have no idea how i am doing this... it is so inhumane.  It would be one thing if i thought i could do it...but i don't feel that way.. i feel like i am going crazy non stop... and i feel like i am going to go insane and do something crazy... crazy thoughts non stop.  I can't be alone. I don't understand this one? I used to love to be alone..now i feel like i will go insane and kill myself when i am alone.  This is so messed up. 

 

I need to know that this will get better and that others have had these thoughts and this pain and it gets better. I go to AA meetings at night and just sit there like i am retarded. I can't even remember what the others talked about...but i can't be alone so I go. I am so amazed that i can drive my car... it should be illegal!

[[...]]

I deal with the unstoppable thoughts as well, my friend. ***** sucks. I don't have crazy thoughts, per se, but the thoughts are exaggerated beyond anything I could imagine. Almost constant. It sucks, and I really wish I could tell you it gets better.

 

>> edit: removed profanity

[[ba...]]

I need to know that this will get better and that others have had these thoughts and this pain and it gets better.

 

Llessur, it does get better.  Reinstate if you feel your sanity is on the line. 

[[Pr...]]

Llessur,

 

I'm very sorry you are this far out and still feeling so bad. I too used to be an independent person who loved reading and spending time alone in my own daydreams, but over the past few years I've developed an awful fear of being by myself. It is starting to ease though and I feel little bits of myself coming back.

 

Time brings healing, that is the one thing we do know for sure. There are many buddies here who have reinstated. Perhaps you can chat with them to get a better idea of the pros and cons of reinstating. Honestly I don't think you'll find many who will tell you it was a good idea. Often, reinstatement does not help or makes things worse. Saraann is one such member I can think of who now has to taper all over again and is still sick.

 

You mentioned a rapid taper, but 9 months is a good period of time. It's faster than I would have gone for 2.5mgs, but still doable. You're off, you're definitely healing even though it might not feel like it. If it were me, I'd continue to hang in there. We are all here for you and will support you for as long as you need it.

 

We also want to encourage you to seek out people close to you to lean on through this ordeal. Do you have family or friends who are understanding and sympathetic? They can make all the difference.

 

I understand from your posts that your suicidal ideation is constant but not welcome. I'm going to leave this link with you to the forum's suicide/self-harm policy. Please read the guidelines so you'll know what to do if you ever need help. However I sense that your will to live is strong and that you are going to get through this.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=9681.0#post_suicide-self-harm

 

Never hesitate to reach out to anyone here for help.

 

-P-

[Guest [ha...]]

Hi All,

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, I see I am not the only one feeling like I am going crazy.  This is my 8th day off benzos and it does feel like that.  Billy, I have looked into rehab, but from what I found out and from reading here, it seems rehabs go too fast with getting you off meds or they put you on another med.  That's one of the hard things about going through this, is that there isn't adequate support out there.  And how can there not be when one is going through such tortuous things?  It's just horrible.  We're all just trying to make it day by day, minute by minute.  This forum has been a lifesaver.  To say the least.  Llessur, if it were me, I wouldn't reinstate.  But please be safe.  You can do this, you can beat this.  We all can. Yes!

[[su...]]

Hello Bobby,

 

I have been there with the Suicidal Thoughts. They still come at times. I am going to post some things I have learned from this. This is ALL drug and repair related.

 

My situation is different. I was doing a slow taper and got to .125mg of Klonopin, then went off of Birth Control Pills for just a few weeks and that was when I became Suicidal. It was awful.

 

Make sure you are not alone and that those around you know this is drug related and not you. Okay?

 

Love,

Summer

[[su...]]

Hello Bobby,

 

 

 

I have been there. Here is what I have learned. Call the local crisis center and talk to them about how you are feeling. Not that you are going to act on it, that you just need someone to talk to. You can call as often as you need to.

 

1-800 784-2433 to get the local number in your area, they will also talk with you at that number too.

 

1-800-273-8255 everyone on this line has at least a Masters’ degree or higher

 

These numbers are there to help you get through the day or a bad time. They will encourage you to let your doctor know you are feeling this way due to your drug taper.  They will also recommend you get a therapist, someone who will get to know you and will be there for you. Someone trained and knows how to help you through a crisis, depression, chronic pain and to be there for you.

 

The other thing I would do is NOT be alone. Go to a friends’ house or have someone stay with you. The other thing you can do is go to a public place where you cannot hurt yourself. Like a coffee house. There are people there and you will be safe.

 

The other thing that might help is to let your doctor know you are having this reaction to the taper. He may have some suggestions.

I got the name of a therapist (Ph.D) from my doctor who is supporting my slow taper.

 

My husband has a company that does home care come and they come over to our house to be with me. They help with light house work, grocery shopping, making me meals and keeping me company. I was needing to not be alone for some time and that service is helpful. Insurance does not cover it yet, it is still an option if you can afford it.

 

The other thing I have added to my life is a therapist (Ph.D). That has been very helpful. I gave her a reading list and she has read it. She knows that what I am experiencing is from drug withdrawal. I can post the reading list to you if that would be helpful.

 

Love,

Summer