Need Advice !!!

[[2w...]]

I am on Day 139. I went C/T off of Xanax and Valium.  My husband and I have been fighting a lot during this process, and I feel like I am ruining our marriage over this important change I need to make.  :'(

 

Here are the issues at hand:

 

• Whether or not to start over with a taper ?
  
• If residing with a spouse who uses a med (you have to have a card for it) to relax & they consider it herbal/natural & it is causing friction in the marriage but you don't want to cause anymore problems in the marriage right now.........what do you do?
  

 

Thanks for your help !

 

[[St...]]

I'm sorry this is causing so much grief, I know it can strain a family but this is temporary, try to hang in there.

 

You're far enough out now that reinstating could be a problem. Some may reply with a different opinion but from what I've seen reinstating is pretty temporary and can lead to a harder withdrawal the second time around. This is all very individual so it's hard to say. I hope you can tough this out and keep things intact. Maybe you husband can read through this site or do a little research on withdrawal syndrome?

[[Wh...]]

Hi Writerlou,

 

What they say in Al-Anon is to keep the focus on yourself and off your loved-ones problem.  I'm wondering how you're feeling?  You said "I" am ruining the marriage ... um ... I really don't think it's you.  It takes two to hold it together and make it good.  You can only hold up your end and working to improve yourself and live your best life is what you're doing by coming off these horrid drugs.  Definitely NO on the reinstatement idea IMO.  This is a huge change you're making and it is going to shake things up on the home front for awhile.  You have no control over what he does but you do have control over what you do.  Your choice to come off the drugs is a very healthy one.  I hope you have the courage to stick with it come what may. 

[[2w...]]

Thank you Starbird. I think you are right. My doctor did start me on a valium taper soon after I c/t from xanax. It didn't go very well. He pumped me up with so much valium that I felt worse than before the taper. So then he wanted to try a librium taper. I agreed and he ended up putting me on such a high dosage, that I was groggy and sick all of the time. Soon after, I decided it was better for my health just to stop the benzos. My doctor said and I agreed, that after 13.5 yrs of taking benzos I had built up too much tolerance to continue.

 

My husband does need more support, so I am going to have him read through this site and hopefully he will feel like we are headed on the right path and that there will just be bumps in the road along the way.

[[2w...]]

Hi Whoopsie,

 

It's funny that you brought Al-Anon up. My doctor says that I need to start attending meetings to help me through this process. My doctor says I have a lot of ptsd from growing up with an alcoholic parent. I believe I have been putting a lot of focus on what I believe my husband needs to change, instead of focusing on myself. It seems like the further I get with this process, the more things become unstable with my husband.

 

I think you are absolutely right about reinstating the taper. It may make things easier for my family, but I feel it would only be moving backwards. I need to be more diligent about taking care of myself during this process, instead of worrying about what others think or need.

 

Thanks for your support !

 

[[Wh...]]

You are welcome Writerlou.  I'm glad that what I said makes sense to you.  Wow, your doctor is right-on about the PTSD from being raised by an alcoholic parent.  He/she sounds great.  If there are Adult Children of Alcoholic (ACOA) meetings in your area and when you're up to going I would highly recommend those too. 

[[2w...]]

Thanks Woopsie !  I've been trying to get myself to go for the last 2 months. I don't know why I'm nervous about going. I started going a few times 2 yrs ago and I really liked it.I guess I just don't have the benzo's to cover up my nervousness now. 

 

I think I also feel like it will separate me from my husband and parents.  Not only did I have a parent who was an alcoholic, but my husband was also an alcoholic when we first started dating. He stopped after we first started dating, because I said I would not date someone who drank. I don't drink, smoke or use any other drugs.

 

Well, I never knew that just because someone stops using something c/t like alcohol, benzos or any other substance, doesn't mean that they do not continue those same behaviors or substitute one chemical for another.

 

My therapist shared the term "dry drunk" with me about 3 yrs ago and it totally makes sense now. That's why Al-Anon will be so important for me. Thanks again for your encouragement. 

[[Wh...]]

I understand your fears about going to meetings.  The separation from your husband and parents is a healthy separation emotionally and probably overdue.  There is no reason that you could lose these relationships from going to meetings.  It does pose a threat to the status quo when you change however.  It was explained to me that it operates like a hanging mobile.  When one part of the mobile moves the whole thing shifts.  That is already happening to you since you quit benzo's right?

 

To be honest I haven't gone to a meeting in 6 months.  I had a really hard time this time around because of the withdrawals and the inability of those people to relate to me on that score.  As a matter of fact I discovered that there were a great many who depended on benzo's and sleeping pills.  I found it difficult to be around that influence.  Feeling pretty lost ...  I also tried NA meetings and didn't fit in there either because of the total lack of similar experience with the drugs.

 

I plan on going back to meetings once I am out of pain and don't need to talk about it anymore.  I would sure like it if there was a Benzo Anonymous group ... I sometimes feel like I'm the only one that is in this condition in this entire city.

 

There are online meetings at Stepchat.com that one can attend to get a feel for how the meetings work.  You might find them helpful as a stepping stone.

 

My best to you Writerlou. 

[[2w...]]

It is true that the separation is long overdue. I like the analogy of a hanging mobile and yes, since I quit benzos it seems like there is a huge shift in our family. It feels good to know things are changing, but the unknown makes it scary as well.

 

I wish there was a benzo w/d meeting too. I haven't gone to Al-Anon yet because I am afraid that I may open my mouth about my benzo w/d and no one will know what I am talking about. I guess that is my own hang-up. I agree that it would be hard to be around people who were on benzos or sleeping pills. I've been feeling pretty lost too. I think I'm getting use to being on my own and not really having anyone to talk to during the day, but just wait..........tomorrow I'll be an emotional basket-case. Do mind me asking what city you live in?

 

I will try look into the online meetings. I wasn't aware of those. Thanks again for your support. I hope you have a good night. 

[[Wh...]]

That is right on that the unknown is scary.  I'm in Western Canada ... does that narrow it down?    I'd like to be more open but in the interest of internet safety I can't.  Maybe I'll run into you at one of those online meetings.  Thanks for understanding why it is so difficult to attend face to face meetings at this time.

 

I hope you have a good night too.   

[[2w...]]

Thanks for your response. I agree with you about internet safety and anonymity.

 

Talk to you soon.