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jeliousy and missing out on life


[Me...]

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I hate missing out on life.  I hate going on facebook and watching how everyone is LIVING and i'm stuck here on this couch.

Theres so many opportunities and experiences i'm missing out on, and i just feel like i'm watching as it all goes by.

 

All I do is just imagine what I WOULD be doing, where I SHOULD be going...ect

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I understand your pain Metheral66.  I'm sitting in this dorm room almost every day, going to classes part of the time, but mostly being by myself.  I just don't have the courage to talk to people, and hold conversations.  I watch everyday people walking around outside having fun, not having a care in the world, and i hate that i can't share that joy with them yet.  I'm in my early 20's, and I've lost too much time already suffering from drug abuse (in my case).
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I don't know how you can do school while going through withdraw,  good on you

 

I guess the up side to is.  They'll never in there lives be able to appreciate freedom. 

 

while we, once were healed, will know exactly whats its like to have that freedom taken away.  We'll know what its like to really suffer, so while other people struggle to be grateful, it'll just come naturally to us.

 

at least that's what i hope. 

 

 

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I hate missing out on life.  I hate going on facebook and watching how everyone is LIVING and i'm stuck here on this couch.

Theres so many opportunities and experiences i'm missing out on, and i just feel like i'm watching as it all goes by.

 

All I do is just imagine what I WOULD be doing, where I SHOULD be going...ect

 

Envy.  I have it too.  You make sense.

 

Yesterday I was out window shopping and as I looked at other people I was aware that I was starting to create "stories" about the lives of others.

Of course, in my version, every single person had a terrific life, no problems, happy, yada yada.  Certainly none of them, to my knowledge, knew the depths of suffering from benzo w/d.

 

I think it is human nature to envy what others seem to have or be doing.  I know that benzo w/d's magnify my feelings by a power of one million.  I simply cannot trust any negative or sad thought while I am fighting off the "beast".  

 

Distraction is the only thing that clears my mind of negative thoughts.  When I distract myself with tv, reading, a little project, some fresh air, the thoughts tend to dissipate.  I go through a minimum of 25 negative thought cycles every day.  I always forget about distraction and yet distraction has worked 100% of the time.  I will forget everything I wrote in this post.  Guaranteed.  But I will eventually distract myself and once again say to myself, "I've really got to distract myself the next time this happens!".

 

Yes, envy is universal.  We all want what we currently do not have.  My hope is that in the future when I have recovered from benzo withdrawals that I will have more gratitude for the things I do have.  My only hope is to come out of this being a better person.

 

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))), Laurie

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