Rebuilding your life...wanting input from those who are healed.

[[jj...]]

Hi BB,

 

I'm glad, nay thrilled that I am healed.  It is amazing how I lived or endured the torturous ordeal of the healing process but now I have to rebuild my life.  It is hard to gauge what defined healed.  I can say that I am glad that there are days that I am happy that I am alive.  Am I asymptomatic?  Yes.  But now I have to deal with the rational stresses of dealing with aftermath of what the sickness has done.  Thankfully, my relationship survived.  My boyfriend became my fiance and now my husband.  I will say this...I will never leave him.  Anyone who stood by my side through all that is unbelievable man and I am so lucky to have him.  I was recently offered a job and I am enjoying exercising again. In some respects I feel that my journey isn't over but it began before the benzos.  After all, most of us got on the benzos for a reason.  When I finished grad school, I felt "lost."  After 11 years of college, 8 of them straight...one has to define a new identity.  I lost my first husband that year, followed by my job, I started a firm and lost it, too.  This is not the first time I have started over, but hopefully my last.  I am not angry, however. Life is hard.  No one ever said otherwise, and its the misery that makes the happiness that much better.  I still find myself being avoidant.  This is understandable to strive to avoid stress after the ordeal I (we) have been through.  For those rebuilding their life in the aftermath, I wanted your input.  My son said my personality is still different. I am not quick to argue with him.  I do rationalize that I am "shellshocked."  I feel like despite being well, my journey isn't over.  So for those who are healed, what has been your experience, thoughts and/or advice?

 

Justine

[[Wi...]]

I'm not healed, but I am back in the world to some degree.  So as always it's with your discretion whether this is something you want to read. 

 

That said, I have seen this happen to people who survive life threatening illnesses.  Loss is one thing, not good obviously but usually abrupt. But when you've had to endure a lengthy illness/pain/distress, it appears to be a natural thing to be tentative about things that hold risk or require committments for any length of time.  For us especially, not knowing how we'd feel or what we'd experience minute to minute, even tho you don't experience that now, I imagine you remember it distinctly.  Speaking for myself I know that during this process I'm hesitant to make  committements, and with good reason. However, after you stop experiencing the wide range of possible s/x and are still hesitant, my guess is that your response is some fear but mostly habit.  And as with any habit, hard to break. You are working muscles that haven't been worked in a long time.

 

As far as your personality being different.  You probably are different as a result of the experience, both physically and mentally.  But as time progresses, my guess is that the new you and the old you will merge and you probably will be a combination of both.  There is no way anyone can go through this without changing, because that's how you survived it.  But you were you for a very long time before this and my guess is you will be back in some form or fashion.

 

And the truth is you aren't starting all over.  Yes, perhaps financially, but you have a son and now a new husband, so you aren't starting from square one.  Plus, taking the benzo stuff out of this equation, you are re-entering the world when the world is in great flux.  Even non-benzo people are in flux, have lost confidence and don't know what's going on or what to do now.  So in actuality, you are less one of us, and more one of the many who are watching the world in transition. 

 

You are smart with lots of ingeninuity and the courage it takes to face your fears and take what ultimately is a leap of faith towards building your life back to where you would like it to be.

[[jj...]]

Thank you Wise,

 

We have spoken on many occasions but I feel that was your most insightful post that I have ever read.  And I agree with you wholeheartedly.  Our experiences do make us what we are.  I do feel that habit is part of this.  Like Pavlov's dog.  In the beginning of this process, I drew from experience about making committments.  When I didn't make them, I felt bad and now I am hesitant.  This is definitely going to be a trial and error scenario and I will be the person I am.  I do feel like I am me, but not on my "game" yet.  This will come with time.  Because I am asymptomatic, I still feel that the old me will take time to reemerge.  I suppose I feel entitled.  I don't like feeling that way because as a former foster child, I have learned the world owes me nothing.  But I have always acted in the best of my ability and do take a sense of accountability for my life but a lot of wrongs brought me here.  I will pick my chin up and once again (as I always used to say)...no matter you do to me, I'm still standing.

[[...]]

Hi jj,

 

I see you were a foster child. I was too. I was in various foster homes from the age of five to eighteen.  I sense that with your strength, personality, gumption, and 'Can Do' spirit, you will be just great in whatever you decide to do.

 

I just wanted to stop by and wish well.

 

pj

[[Sh...]]

Great news JJ, it gives me hope

[[jj...]]

Thank you, PJ.

 

I have the unique experience of not having a friend in the world. As a child, it was tough.  Christams time was the worst.  I do not down people for opening their hearts and home to children with no one but it was horrible.  I could not figure out what was worth; feeling like an intruder to a "intimate familial time" or reminding me what I did not have.  I could not tell you how many homes I went to, but I went to six high schools in three years. I studied hard to skip a grade so that I could be out of the system.  I know what it is to just have the clothes on my back.  It does give me (and I suspect you) a certain resiliance.  It, also, gave me an intolerance to people who claim a bad childhood as an excuse to treat others poorly.  I draw from tough times as a reference that I have been through worse and I had great times after.  I feel that this is no different.  I wouldn't say that it makes these tough times easier but it gives me an unabiding hope that good times come.  I had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon.  I have a strong education.  I have a wonderful son.  So despite being knocked down again, I still have things to be proud of.

[[...]]

Thank you, PJ.

 

I have the unique experience of not having a friend in the world. As a child, it was tough.  Christams time was the worst.  I do not down people for opening their hearts and home to children with no one but it was horrible.  I could not figure out what was worth; feeling like an intruder to a "intimate familial time" or reminding me what I did not have.  I could not tell you how many homes I went to, but I went to six high schools in three years. I studied hard to skip a grade so that I could be out of the system.  I know what it is to just have the clothes on my back.  It does give me (and I suspect you) a certain resiliance.  It, also, gave me an intolerance to people who claim a bad childhood as an excuse to treat others poorly.  I draw from tough times as a reference that I have been through worse and I had great times after.  I feel that this is no different.  I wouldn't say that it makes these tough times easier but it gives me an unabiding hope that good times come.  I had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon.  I have a strong education.  I have a wonderful son.  So despite being knocked down again, I still have things to be proud of.

 

 

 

JJ, that's just what I felt like, an intruder. I felt I didn't belong, and was always on the outside looking in. But it made me tough as nails and very street wise, and it also gave me compassion and the willingness to fight, tooth and nail, for children who are so vulnerable and fragile when it comes to being at the mercy of often times horrendous parents.

 

Six high schools in three years, that had to be tough, jj. Congratulations on your marriage, your husband is fortunate to have you. You're a gutsy gal, your life will be all that you want it to be.

 

pj