What I've learned in 46 days of c/t detox from xanax.

[[so...]]

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be struggling after 46 days without xanax.  I took xanax off and on for 3 years and never knew what this drug was doing to my mind and body.  I've learned that a lot of people just like us are suffering and don't understand what is happening to them.  When we turn to our doctors for help they tell us this is not normal, that something else is wrong with us then quickly prescribe another drug to try and help with the w/d symptoms.  Ive learned that most doctors are unsympathetic to our struggles and that most doctors have no idea, or don't care at all, as to what benzos do to a person's mind, body and soul and when a patient questions the course ot treatment they get angry and try to make us feel insignificant.

 

I've leard that this is by far the most difficult thing I've ever endured and also the most confusing with regards to the w/d process.  How is it the first week or so a person feels pretty good then WHAM...they get hit with a hellish attack that can last years.  I always thought that the longer a person was off a particular med the better they woudl feel.  Not so with benzos.

 

I've also learned to roll with the punches that one day I may be fighting 3 symptoms and the next day a totally new set of problems.  I've learned that I've feelt so bad for so long I'm almost accustomed to feeling bad, depressed and almost like a zombie.  I've learned that I will NEVER again completely trust another doctor and will always qustion their methods and will forever research any new drug that is given to me and if I dont like how a doctor is treating me I will kick them to the curb until I find a doctor I feel comfortable with.  We have to remembeer that they work for us...not the other way around.

 

I've learned to expect the unexpected, realize that this is a healing process and to never surrender or quit.  I have 3 years of damage to undo and this will not happen overnight.  As I look back I can see improvement and so miss those windows of feeling good.  Right now I cannot remember that last time I had an extended whindow where I felt good.  here is how my detox has gone.

 

Week 1: Actually felt pretty good.

Week 2: All hell broke lose and I fell into the worst depression and never thought I would come out of it.

Week 3: More hell.  Body pain, headache and insane tinitus and acid reflux.

Week 4: Experienced brief windows of feeling good but acid reflux and tinitus will not quit.

Week 5: Slight improvement but waves of anxiety and depression woudl hit me out of nowhere.  Acid reflux finally stops but tinitus is driving me insane.  No energy but have actually slept 4-5 hours a night.  Heart palpitation return with a vengance.

Week 6:  Still dont feel well.  Flu like symptoms, constipation, ears ringing, black spots in vision and both ahdns and feet are ice cold and sting.

 

The thing I fear the most is  'll be the one that takes 2 years to heal.  I can assure you I don't have that kind of staying power and will never make it that long.  I'm quite thankful to God for revealing this forum to me.  I've foudn  a bunch of stranges that sympathize with me and understand exactly what it is I'm going through.  My family has grown impatient with me and does not understand why there are some nights that all I feel like doing is sitting on te couch and watching a movie.  I dont blame them....this is not what a dad is supposed to do with his kids.  I am so disapointed with myself for ever turning to these damm meds.

 

Keep sending good vibes my way.  Today has been a tough one, I feel like crap and know I have a long way to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[fl...]]

 

The thing I fear the most is  'll be the one that takes 2 years to heal.  I can assure you I don't have that kind of staying power and will never make it that long. 

 

I remember saying almost the exact same thing over 12 months ago. The truth is, you'd be surprised. Hopefully you're lucky, and the sx's fade quickly. There's no reason to assume that you'll be suffering for years, most likely you won't. But it might be a couple of weeks, maybe even a couple of months, and I can tell you from experience - don't sell yourself short.

 

The will to survive is stronger than I ever could have imagined, and as long as there is hope, you'll make it. Take care soonerdean, I hope you feel better soon. 

 

Jeff M.

[[rs...]]

soonerdean, so sorry to hear of your suffering. your thoughts are the way most of us feel i'm sorry to say. it sounds like you have gained control of your life and headed in the right direction. I am 78 days benzo free and suffering. just know the w/d's lessen in severity over time. some days i'm plugged into the wall and others though not normal are tolerable. try not to freak on how long it will be because there is really no option but to do what you are doing. you sound like a very intelligent person that is going to heal fine,rstud

[[St...]]

At six weeks I was about where you are with symptoms. Just last week I was fearing I wouldn't see another window as it had been a few weeks. Today, it's like I never took any benzos. I hope it lasts but I'm not packing my bags yet. Confidence is good medicine. Take plenty of it and know you're going to feel better even as the waves crash in, it's a gradual process to complete healing. Don't let the beast burden you with his lies and discouraging thoughts. He's a *#$^( and can't be trusted. My crystal ball is all scratched up and cracked but I predict you're going to start seeing some improvement soon.

[[so...]]

THANK YOU for the words of encouragement!  This is exactly why I thank God for directing me to this site.  People like you that offer encouragement and can give someone like me hope through you experiences.  I guess my feelings right now are w/d related as I'm usually not this harsh....quite the contrary....I was always teh life of the party and my glass was always half full.  I realy dont mean to bash doctors...I was feeling very angry at myself for ever taking these meds. 

 

I have seen windows during this process but the strange thing is that when I actually recognize I'm experiencing a window it usually closes shortly after that because the window came on so gradually that it took me a little time to say "wow...I feel pretty good." 

 

Yes....all we can do is what we are doing at this present moment which is the detox process.  It's not fun, we all hate it..but it's apart of this healing process.  Thanks again for your responses and encouragement.  I truly hope I can return the favor to someone one day.

 

STILL GIVIN IT THE FINGER!

[Guest [Tu...]]

Soonerdean:

 

Please, when you "give it the finger," please do it a second time and tell "it" that it's from me!

 

Hang in there. I'm at Day 57, about 10 days ahead of you (though I c/t'd from a 14 year addiction, so you'll probably end up recovering a lot faster than me...). Hang in there. I've seen a lot of posts where folks say that things get better after 2-3 months. I sure hope so, as I'll hit two months on Monday and this monster is just grinding me down.

 

Keep giving it the finger! I like that fighting attitude -- it'll help you beat this monster!

 

Best wishes,

 

Tucson

 

Me on Day 57 of my final c/t: