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I am having a BAD wave today. 5 weeks off, and counting....


[wy...]

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I am nervous because I am having those mental symptoms that we all talk about, but my rational side is COMPLETELY MIA.  :D

 

I am feeling as if I will never get better. Like, maybe this is just the new me, or I am forever changed because of my body/brain chemistry. I feel as if I am never going to feel 'normal' again. I know this isn't rational, but the crushing depression that accompanies these thoughts somehow overpowers that rational side of my brain.

 

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I just need to hear from other people who have been off longer (I am only at 5 weeks off), and hear some reassurance that this does get better. I am getting to the point in my recovery where I feel as though I will not be able to make it another day. And, I am working full time through all this, and it's absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.

 

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Hi there,

 

 

I am over 3 months off of Benzos.  And right around the 5-6 weeks mark (post benzos), I was hit with all the same thoughts as you.  This went on/off for a few weeks when I then began to see more improvements.  And it's not as though every single day for a few weeks was like that.  It would come and go sometimes for a few hours, or a 1/2 of a day...then it would leave and I would feel good.  Not great, but good. 

 

Then after those few weeks things improved quite a bit.  I am still on the roller coaster ride right now and find I have good days and bad days, but I have noticed this week especially that when things are good, they are QUITE good.  Almost "normal". 

 

Every time I'm in a wave, I feel like "this will never end!".  But it always does.  It can just a be a slow process.  Many say that after a bad wave they see many more improvements and I have to agree with them.  I am definitely noticing that w/ my journey. 

 

I was just saying to my husband on Sunday night, "maybe this is me...maybe it won't get any better than this".  But then Tuesday - Thursday i had some awesome moments and I could really feeling the healing happening. 

 

I am a stay at home mom however my daughter is at school most of the day - so kudos to you for working through this!  That is very admirable and you should be very proud of yourself.  Just hold on b/c good times are coming your way.  This journey just takes an amazing amount of patience.

 

All the best to you,

Schatje

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Thank you so much, Schatje. Your post absolutely made me feel better. I almost feel as if just reading what you wrote instantly helped me.

 

I find that is the hardest part sometimes of going through what we go through. It feels as if we're alone. It's the most isolating and scary feeling I have ever felt. It's even worse than finding out I was HIV positive 5 years ago, or when I had to go through drug withdrawal after using drugs in my early 20s. I have never felt so scared as I do coming off benzos because it almost makes me feel as if I am questioning everything in my life and the days where it feels hopeless are the scariest I have ever known.

 

Thank you again for the kind words. I would love to hear thoughts from any others that have inspiring things to say! :)

 

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Hey Wylidas,

 

Same for me... 5 weeks off was arguably the worst of it. That's when it got so bad for me I took emergency doses. Though, I didn't know as much as I

know now... or I wouldn't have.  So, hang in there. You're probably getting over a big hump here, and some better days are around the corner for you.

We all heal differently, but I know for me that was the thick of it. Things ABSOLUTELY do get better. The thoughts are normal, and we all have them.

They mean nothing. They're temporary, transient thoughts of a mind that's in the process of healing itself. Hard to just ignore thoughts, but that's what you

really need to try to do. Accept them as a part of healing. Not as a bad by-product of healing, but literally part of your mind/body righting itself.

That's what helped me when I was at my worst... knowing that the horrible stuff was happening for a positive reason. The bad feelings weren't a sign of

something bad, they were a sign of things working to get better. Hard to believe, but it's true. There's a line in the Ashton manual that puts this

better than I've said it. But, I believe it.

 

Hang in there, float and accept the best you can... and keep it small. Get through moments and don't worry about the big picture if you can help it.

The big picture is fixing itself no matter what you do. As long as time passes and you're benzo-free.... the big picture is taking care of itself.

 

Dr. John Sarno describes suffering as pain x resistance. I know it's hard. It is for me, too. But, try to relax and accept. You will be well again.

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wylidas,

 

I'm still tapering but as one of the BB team I read a lot of threads each and every day and I can tell you that the thoughts you're having are normal albeit unpleasant.

 

It's amazing how this drug can effect our thinking. This way of thinking you describe are the w/ds talking and it definitely will get better. I've seen it happen many, many, many times. When I've been in a wave I think the same way..then when the wave is over my thoughts completely change.

 

You will get through this. I think it's amazing you're working and I also believe doing so will help you a great deal. It keeps you distracted and that's the best treatment for w/ds.

 

Hang in there and keep us update. You're going to get through this and be stronger for it.

 

 

Hope

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Dittos on working!

 

I worked through 95% of my WD, too. Thank goodness I work for good people.  The only days I missed were at the beginning when

I thought I had the flu. (Didn't realize I had gone into early WD... was pretty ignorant of how bad it could be.)

 

So, I can relate to what that's like.  You'll be amazed at how strong you are when you look back on this.

 

Hang in there, it'll get better.

 

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Thanks to all of you for wonderful thoughts and words. The only thing that makes me feel better is coming to this forum and reading other people's experiences.

 

You're all my light! Thank you. :)

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