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I'm done ...


[tr...]

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So this horrific journey is finally over for me. After tomorrow...I will take my last dose and then...I am done. I had decided to fast track this taper. I went from a 10 day wait, to 7 days...to a 4 day waiting period. I had had enough of this torture. I am so beyond fed up and I had been so very desperate to end this, way before my birthday. So far the sx have been somewhat managable. Some have faded or ebbed...while others re emerged. The mental issues are by far the most fiendish sx as of now. Those horrible...non stop crying spells, they have recently dwindled to just sporadic weeping. The depression is not so black...just dark and foreboding. The most detestable sx, is still this odd feeling that I no longer know who I am...that something has changed drastically, that I am lost, and that I no longer belong here. I am still cog fogged up the wazzoo or stumble and stutter as I speak...often freezing up, as I search for the right words to use. I have suffered immensely from scrupulosity...and have become obsessed with Tarot cards...looking for insight and a hope that they will reveal a brighter future. Then there is the the problem with boredom, lack of motivation, depleted passions, and bereaved desires. My artistic skills had been squandered, and have suffered immensely because of these drugs. Yet there is also this dislike, toward everything I once dreamed of. My girlfriend is distant. My mum is alive and at home...though we are scared of the clot in her leg (DVT). My father is quiet. My TOXIC sister is beyond reproach. I personally...don't know what I want to do with my life. The rage is there...but it seems somewhat less intense. The obsessive thoughts, ruminations and those ideations...are beginning to quiet down...just barely. That voice which threatened to send me over the edge...it is nothing but an angered, hushed tone. The various physical sx that I had/have experienced throughout this taper, fluctuate from disappearing, to resurfacing, to renewing their attack, and then...usually catching me off guard. The most unsettling are the burning sensations around my skull, the pressure in my stomach and this abhorrent feeling, whenever I fall asleep and wake unexpectedly. Fatigue is also a more current sx...these last few months, as I feel more tired than usual. How funny that at the beginning of this taper...I had so much energy...that I am sure I could run several marathons. Now I can hardly stand or keep my eyes open. I still wonder if there is healing after all this. I don't know that there is a better future, waiting for me after this. The c/t woke me up and somehow revealed a past, that I had suppressed for the longest time. I have read in the Ashton manual, that this drug does in fact reveal our tragic pasts. Intrusive Memories are a part of w/d and I wish that one s/x, had never made an appearance during any of this. 

 

I can tell you I am a bit frightened. I am quite apprehensive, about the day after tomorrow. After so many months of making sure I keep this routine schedule...after months of extracting that bit of poison, from a bottle of compounded liquid...after taking such a horrible beating at the hands of this venom; it finally is over. So what do I do next. I was hoping for fanfare...fireworks...maybe even a celebratory party of sorts. Instead it most likely will be a somber event. It is over and now, I will have to wait day after month...hoping that this aforementioned healing; that it is actually taking place. Instead of being afraid of ingesting this toxin...now it will be a grisly waiting game, and all I can do is pray that I come out of this sane and whole. I should be happy that I have reached the summit of this taper...yet I am so afraid that nothing will change. I am frightened that after all this work...after taking the brunt of everything this venom threw at me...after all the mental and physical anguish I have gone through...I am completely afraid of the thought, that I will need to be put back on these drugs. I am afraid that I will not be able to survive in this world, without that pill to give me peace of mind and a sense of control. I am scared that I will always need these drugs, to feel human and to be able to fit in with society. I am afraid I am a misfit of sorts, and that I will have to go back to the Island of Misfit Toys because I will not be able to survive in the real world, nor remain drug free. I am petrified by the thought that, what if I am one of the unlucky few...who will not heal so quick. I shake at the thought, that I might only heal after 2 more years of struggles and suffering, and that will be the time when I actually see any improvement. Can I possibly survive this onslaught for another 4 or 6 months or what if it is...1 or 2 more years? Could I continue to take strike after strike of more sx's? What if I never my mind never mends, and I finally succumb to this drug?

 

Nonetheless, it will be over. So I want to thank everyone who has helped me out, and who have offered sound advice and shoulders to lean on. I am grateful to all those who have listened to me babble...as I went on and on about this pain and suffering, and how unfair life is. I am indebted to those people on this board...who never judged me and who understood the afflictions I suffered through; where those I trusted out in the real world, considered me psychotic and overyly dramatic. With glass of chamomile raised...I salute you all. I thank each and everyone of you. There are to many names to mention...and since I do not want to offend anyone, or give anyone the belief, that one friend was better or more helpful than the other...I will simply say thank you to all. I could not have done this without any of you. I do not think I would be standing here right now. I  don't know that I would have survived this alone. I pray and hope you all reach this day and that all my fears are unfounded. I hope you all have a safe and successful taper and that you all heal...to live a better life. I pray that you all fight for this very day...when you will also free. This toxin has raped me. This drug that was meant to save me...has stripped me of my humanity and soul. This noxious substance has taken away everything, that was precious and dear to me. This insignificant pill has reduced me to nothing and no one. Now I am forced to continue to fight. As of this moment, I will be forced to fight onward and forward. We are left with only two options...the first is unmentionable and the other is to rebuild and to regain our freedom and humanity. This battle is not over by a longshot...part 1 is done and so now part 2 begins. I say this to all of you, who are either beginning or midway or at the end of this taper...continue this valiant fight. Do not let fear overtake you...do not let this drug win. Whatever the outcome...better to be human and afraid...than to be robotic and uncaring. It is better to feel...than to be numb to all creation and this wondrous world we inhabit. It is better to feel a cold winter wind...than to be oblivious to the seasons and all of life. It is better to have free will and to be a feeling, loving human being.

 

God bless and I will remain so very thankful to all of you. Continued success in all your endevours...each and everyone of you. You will all be in my thoughts, even as I begin phase 2 of this process. I will pray for you all and I will remember how there were those who stood by me...when those real loved one's ridiculed, ignored, disbelieved, and abandoned me. For lo' these many months, you have been a surrogate family and because of you all, I am free of this drug, and most importantly, I am alive. I am forever grateful and indebted to you all. You extended generous hands and caring hearts. You gave me hope. You all gave me reason to continue. This is what family is about. In this virtual community...I found a family that stood by me, and who could ask for anything more. I salute you all...I am humbled by all your generosity and I genuflect in thanks. Live long and prosper and most of all...to good health and happiness.

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Dear Travuz,

 

I am so happy for you, to be finally done soon with the poison. Of course you feel some apprehension.  It is only natural.  I felt that way too, wondering what in the world will happen when I take my last dose.  In fact I  did feel a bit of a rise in symptoms for a day or 2, but it passed and I did feel better as time went by.

 

I am sorry I can't offer a more complete message because I am in extreme pain from my husband's abuse and the apparent end to our marriage of 42 years. I know a better life awaits me. I'm being as strong as I can be with Gods' help.  God has helped me immensely in this excrutiatingly pain ful journey.  God is helping you too. I thank God for answering those prayers for you. I will continue to pray for you and your parents.

 

Kat

 

 

 

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[23...]

Hi Travus-

CONGRATS!! There's a few of us who jumped around the same time...look under Bear's post. Anyhow, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I could TOTALLY relate to just about everything that you wrote in this. You are SO not alone. The DP/DR is my most crushing symptom. Makes me INSANE to not be able to use my brain for anything or to relate to anything or to even know who I am. Ugh!! Maddening.

 

Hang in there...it can ONLY get better from here. We'll get there.

 

Cheering you on...

 

Much love, ((HugS)) and healing, lamberfn

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Travuz,

 

I've been thinking about you. Congratulations and the best to you as you move forward in your life. I sincerely hope that all goes well for you in the future. Please give my regards to your parents.

 

pj

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Hi all. Travuz, you communicated this well. I hope that as time goes on, we will see you here. I wish you the best. You WILL mend.

Hugs,

Bear

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You are brave and strong and will get through any early rough days of Part 2, the best part.

 

You had a lousy summer.  You will get thru' the dark winter days and you are going to have the best summer of your life next year!

 

All the best

Angel

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Dear Travus,

 

I have followed your story with your mom in hospital, dad at home and a sister that is totally insensitive to you and your feelings.  You made it through all that while you were tapering.  That says a lot about your strength of character.  You will make it the rest of the way.  You are strong, remember that.

 

If you need help, you know your buddies are here for you.  Just post.  Good luck on the rest of your journey.

Popcornlady

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[1a...]

Good luck, Travus.

 

I went off c/t but I tried tapering a couple of times over the past 14 years. I've found that whether I quit c/t or tapered and then quit, I was never quite prepared for what hit me once I was off the benzos. At first it's great to be off. But after a week or so, the reality hits and when a rough day comes along and there isn't that crutch to fall back on, it really helps to be prepared with some coping strategies.

 

What helps me the most is focusing on a short-term target to help me keep from popping any pills. For instance, my absolute longest post-benzo time period had been the 47 days I did back in April/May of this year. So, when I began this latest c/t on September 7, my goal was to hit 30 days, then on to 47. Many days I couldn't even think about 47 and just made it my goal to make it to bedtime, hour by hour.

 

Well, I finally hit 47 days on Monday and yesterday, Day 48, was my new all-time off-benzos record. Today is a sweet 49, but my goal now is to make it to Day 50, and from there to November 7, which will mark two months off benzos. I'll keep moving into the future one little time frame to another and someday I'll be able to look back on a longer time period, such as six months! For now, though, it's all about making it through today and hitting the magic "50" tomorrow!

 

It's still rough going this far out, but it is definitely do-able. Since you tapered, hopefully you won't have as hard a time as I did, since I c/t from 30-40 mg. of Valium daily.

 

Hang in there! It does get easier and better, slowly (too slowly) but surely...

 

Best wishes,

 

Tucson

Me on Day 49 of my final c/t:  :o

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Congratulations! I can definitely relate to your feeling of crying spells - and you described it perfectly.  I too- had BAD spells at first. Then they were less and less lengthy and more sporadic.  It's 3 weeks post rapid valium taper, and today, the crying is just  - short and sweet.  A few times a day for 1-2 minutes, followed by a sense a calm and peace.  I think it's the brain re-creating endorphins.  Hang in there. This will pass. 

Also - that feeling of not knowing who you are anymore will go away. I felt the exact same way. I had to find my new "self" - which is hard to do when you're in withdrawal. Everything is so fragile. It was a big deal just to run to the grocery store.  Slowly but surely, you push yourself to do little things and make small strides. One day at a time, we get there.  I can't say that everything was just rosy one day, but looking back, improvment really happened - and I can definitely tell it's gotten better.  It will get better - and these things will pass for you, too.

Hang in there! Healing is happening. I know it's hard - but it will come.  Just give in to the crying and let your body heal. Crying helps us feel better.  I have learned to welcome it.

xoxo Parker :smitten:

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What a huge accomplishment travuz, I'm happy to see you made it though this part of the struggle, you're well on your way to real healing now. Congratulations  :hug:
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