For those who are off Benzos, Question?

[Guest [Si...]]

Here is the question.

 

The events and things that you did while on the Benzo's.. does this come back?

Do you remember them?

I know that no one can remember every detail from the past or even from yesterday.. this is normal for anyone.

But those who are off Benzos is what I am asking.

 

Thank you.

I hope Beeper rings in on this or Pamster.

 

 

[[Pe...]]

Sigma,

 

I am not quite sure what you are getting at, do you mean the mistakes you made, or just things in general?  As for me, I remember pretty much everything I did while I was on benzos, the good, bad, and the ugly.  Looking back I know some of the things I did which were totally not me were due to the skewed thinking caused by the drug.  I hope this answers your question, let me know if I was off base.

[[Fl...]]

I remember things I did while on the drug but I can't help but believe that things might be a little more clear had I not been taking it.

[Guest [Si...]]

Sigma,

 

I am not quite sure what you are getting at, do you mean the mistakes you made, or just things in general?  As for me, I remember pretty much everything I did while I was on benzos, the good, bad, and the ugly.  Looking back I know some of the things I did which were totally not me were due to the skewed thinking caused by the drug.  I hope this answers your question, let me know if I was off base.

 

Just things in general.

 

I have memories I would like to keep.

Do those leave as in banish or do they stay ?

 

I do know what you mean by the skewed thinking.

 

Thanks, Billy.

[Guest [Si...]]

I remember things I did while on the drug but I can't help but believe that things might be a little more clear had I not been taking it.

 

Thanks FloridaGuy,

 

Clear as in better decisions?

 

Billy.

[[Pe...]]

Sigma,

 

I am not quite sure what you are getting at, do you mean the mistakes you made, or just things in general?  As for me, I remember pretty much everything I did while I was on benzos, the good, bad, and the ugly.  Looking back I know some of the things I did which were totally not me were due to the skewed thinking caused by the drug.  I hope this answers your question, let me know if I was off base.

 

Just things in general.

 

I have memories I would like to keep.

Do those leave as in banish or do they stay ?

 

I do know what you mean by the skewed thinking.

 

Thanks, Billy.

 

My good memories are all still here with me Billy, I think yours will be too!

[[ja...]]

S#

 

Actually for me I rememeber everything!Absolutly every1 in great detail! Its weird but I am so thankful

I need to remember . I needed to face stuff head on and I did . Little by little. Its kinda cool cause I like my memories even the really bad 1s. There mine. I want them every single 1.

But yes I remember

 

~Jenny

[[Sc...]]

I'm like Jaso...I remember it all.  No memories lost whatsoever! 

 

Schatje

[[pa...]]

I remember the thigns I did while I was on benzos, but sometimes, I can't remember "what I did last thanksgiving".  I actually couldnt' remember that at all today, and I had to ask my husband. Once he reminded me that we were at my moms house, I remembered a few of the scenarios that happened at Thanksgiving last year. But I had to have somethign jog my memory.  So - I think I can remember things, but sometimes, I can't access my memory quite yet - at least, not without a cue or a reminder.  Beyond that, I do remember some incidents, arguments and things that happened on benzos.  I remmeber I did things, but I can't relate to the feeling of the person in that body looking throught those eyes.  Everything had a negative connotation to it - and I was often scared and depressed without realizing it.  Now that I've been off of Klonopin for over a month and jumped from valium about 3 weeks ago,I am looking at some of the same scenarios adn thinking 'How did that bother me so much?"  I just don't feel the depression and anxiety about hte same things I did before.  I hope that helps.

[[Fl...]]

Clear as in better decisions?

 

Billy.

 

I'm not sure I follow you.....are you asking if I thought I would have made better decisions in my life during the time I was on the drug had I not been taking the drug? If so then yes, I definitely would have made better decisions had I never take the drug.

[[Nu...]]

The further away I got from the benzos, the more apparent the gaps in my memory became. And , I started to realize the true nature of the drug in this respect. I liken it to being drunk and then waking up from a night out -  having fragmented memories. Some are strong, while others are just gone, with lots of blank spaces in between -

 

My post benzo memory suffers from having the sequence of events mixed up - just a jumble of events no distinction in years.  To tell you the truth, back in benzo days, I would have to think how old I was when I went to the Dr. Strange now how I know exactly how old I am without having to calculate. At the time I just attributed it to now wanting to know how old I am. The mind is wonderful in how it accomodates problems with solutions based in putting a positive spin on things.

 

I have significant short term memory problems even now 2 years out, though improving very slowly. I also had that common experience of not being able to remember my past earlier in w/d, where everything is seeming lost and distant in memory. Finally, I also had the other common experience in w/d of having random, usually negative or traumatic, memories surface for no reason. Both of these common benzo w/d experiences have improved more significantly than the short term memory has. I am still very concerned about the short term memory. But, since I am still suffering pretty heavy w/d, I can't focus on it and must believe that the brain impairment will improve over time.

 

I know from reading literature on the subject of benzos and memory that the amnesia produced by the drug is real and thus, since the memory forming processes were disrupted, I would think that some of those memories which never formed properly will not be accessable.. Just my theory tho about what will and won't come back, as I haven't finished living through it.

 

Nuala

[Guest [Si...]]

Bump.

[Guest [Tu...]]

For me, my memories are pretty much intact. At times something new will come up. When I do think of things, I automatically classify them as pre-September 1997 (before I began using benzos) and post-September 1997 (when I began using benzos). I am especially thankful when I am able to have a pre-September 1997 thought because I look back and see that I WAS able to function without benzos at some point in my life. Right now, I still have doubts if I will recover enough to be the person that I was pre-benzos, but i think I will. At least I sure hope I will!

 

More than anything I look back on the stupid, stupid decisions I made while on benzos, which clouded my judgment and led me to make some bad choices. There are things I did on benzos that I would never have done pre-benzos, and I am not at all proud of them. I came close to destroying my marriage and now, as I slowly recover, I know my wife has forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself, so my goal is to get my act back together and be the best husband I can be for the rest of my life.

 

I have good memories and bad memories. I have good feelings and bad feelings. Each day it seems the fog lifts ever so slightly and slowly, too slowly, the "real me" is gradually returning to life.

 

Tucson

 

Me at Day 47 of my final c/t:

[[ki...]]

Hi Sig - hope you are doing well

 

My long term memory is getting so much better. I remember things without even trying. Things that happened thirty years ago come back to me like they happened yesterday. The time I was on benzos I never tried to remember and/or those memories never popped in my head for some reason. But now it's like looking in a picture album, all the memories are right there.

 

My short term memory is another story. Pre-taper it was very bad, I was so embarrassed. It is improving slowly though...

[Guest [Si...]]

Thank you guys 

 

Many people say you lose all of that.. but I find it strange because I can remember when I was on Klonopin and at the tail end of this taper from Valium.. I remember everything I did on the Valium at high doses. I was on Ativan before Klonopin and remember those days too.

LOL, I even remember being drunk on top of Klonopin and the things I did.

I had no clue not to drink on top of a Benzo.

BUT here is the odd thing.

I don't recall two or three days ago.. yet, I remember all of that. 

My roommate tells me I remember things even in my worst of memory .. 

 

Oh ya.. I am having withdrawals but need to get off this stuff.

I know I am doing the right thing.

 

Thanks, Billy.

[[be...]]

Hi Sig,

 

I too can remember alot if not all things while I was on benzos.  But during the wd time I can not.  The ones that I can recall are those attached with strong emotions like losing my Gma and hurtful things people said and did to me.

 

As for recalling decisions during wd, alot is gone.  We simple don't have accurate processing skills to make decisions during this time.  I remember reading in the Ashton manual that people should not make big decisions during this time like marriage, moving or changing jobs or homes. 

 

There are so many times that people have reminded me of simple decisions I have made that I dont' recall since I have gotten off like throwing things away, and things I did. 

 

As I am healing and getting more windows I am finding that I am able to recall my past and make better decisions with more ease.  The things that I can't remember dont seem to bother me as much.  Even stupid mistakes like missing appointments and such.  I make my apologies, and tell myself that I am doing the best I can.  If someone scolds me about it, I just say or imagion how they would function with brain damage. 

 

If I don't remember everything then I had a "so what" attitude about it now.  I am where I am.  I have to start from here and now and not beat myself up about not being myself during wd/or on benzos.  Some would call this forgiveness of self, some may call it acceptance.  Either way it is the only way to pick yourself up off the floor and start to move on with life. 

[Guest [Si...]]

Hi Sig - hope you are doing well

 

My long term memory is getting so much better. I remember things without even trying. Things that happened thirty years ago come back to me like they happened yesterday. The time I was on benzos I never tried to remember and/or those memories never popped in my head for some reason. But now it's like looking in a picture album, all the memories are right there.

 

My short term memory is another story. Pre-taper it was very bad, I was so embarrassed. It is improving slowly though...

 

Kimba,

 

How long did it take you to taper valium completely?

 

Thanks.

[Guest [Si...]]

Hi Sig,

 

I too can remember alot if not all things while I was on benzos.  But during the wd time I can not.  The ones that I can recall are those attached with strong emotions like losing my Gma and hurtful things people said and did to me.

 

As for recalling decisions during wd, alot is gone.  We simple don't have accurate processing skills to make decisions during this time.  I remember reading in the Ashton manual that people should not make big decisions during this time like marriage, moving or changing jobs or homes. 

 

There are so many times that people have reminded me of simple decisions I have made that I dont' recall since I have gotten off like throwing things away, and things I did. 

 

As I am healing and getting more windows I am finding that I am able to recall my past and make better decisions with more ease.  The things that I can't remember dont seem to bother me as much.  Even stupid mistakes like missing appointments and such.  I make my apologies, and tell myself that I am doing the best I can.  If someone scolds me about it, I just say or imagion how they would function with brain damage. 

 

If I don't remember everything then I had a "so what" attitude about it now.  I am where I am.  I have to start from here and now and not beat myself up about not being myself during wd/or on benzos.  Some would call this forgiveness of self, some may call it acceptance.  Either way it is the only way to pick yourself up off the floor and start to move on with life. 

 

 

That's true Believe.

 

I read every word and I agree.

 

You are an inspiration.

 

Billy.

[[ki...]]

Hi Sig,

 

My total taper was about 16 months if I count the failed c/t hell I went through. The last 6 mnths of taper was like taking poison(liquid valium), I dreaded dosing.

 

I hope you are doing well. You are such an inspiration to many here.

 

[Guest [Si...]]

Hi Sig,

 

My total taper was about 16 months if I count the failed c/t hell I went through. The last 6 mnths of taper was like taking poison(liquid valium), I dreaded dosing.

 

I hope you are doing well. You are such an inspiration to many here.

 

 

Thanks Kimba.

 

Yes I hate dosing too because I am aware of what it does. 

[Guest [Si...]]

For me, my memories are pretty much intact. At times something new will come up. When I do think of things, I automatically classify them as pre-September 1997 (before I began using benzos) and post-September 1997 (when I began using benzos). I am especially thankful when I am able to have a pre-September 1997 thought because I look back and see that I WAS able to function without benzos at some point in my life. Right now, I still have doubts if I will recover enough to be the person that I was pre-benzos, but i think I will. At least I sure hope I will!

 

More than anything I look back on the stupid, stupid decisions I made while on benzos, which clouded my judgment and led me to make some bad choices. There are things I did on benzos that I would never have done pre-benzos, and I am not at all proud of them. I came close to destroying my marriage and now, as I slowly recover, I know my wife has forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself, so my goal is to get my act back together and be the best husband I can be for the rest of my life.

 

I have good memories and bad memories. I have good feelings and bad feelings. Each day it seems the fog lifts ever so slightly and slowly, too slowly, the "real me" is gradually returning to life.

 

Tucson

 

Me at Day 47 of my final c/t:

 

Tuscon lol..

 

You are doing better than me.

 

You know what I remember in 1997 ?

 

I will tell you-

 

Savage Garden CD, A Comet, and the death of Princess Diana.

Oh yeah MMM-Bop. 

 

I graduated that year too.. DUH! Now, why would I forget that!

 

Billy.

[[Sh...]]

Oh God @#$@#t now I have Mmm-bop stuck in my head...

 

I think that you and me are around the same time frame from withdrawl. So IDK if this will help but i'll try.

 

When I was young, I tended to remember bad things so I could improve upon them, such as mistakes... That was an error in judgement since I didnt remember good events, or so I thought. about 2-3 months ago I started searching my mind (even still on the benzos) and I realized I remembered Good memories as well...

 

For instance, When I lived in Washington Iowa, every summer in that boring Town (>500 total) Millions of fireflies would come http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytBR7ET_6uU. It was such a small memory, something I thought I covered over. But it was still there. It was buried but even with the benzo hell I still remembered... I remembered dancing with them. I know it might sound stupid but I always looked up to the stars for answers, for a few weeks during the summer it was as if I was staring at the beauty of the night sky in front of my face. Never really felt anything spiritual save for those fireflies.

 

Point is, that I am 46 days out and well if anything my memory is returning not fading away. What is fading is the pain... its very slowly getting easier to deal with the Benzo hell... Lord knows that it is the worst thing the world has ever created (except for Mmm-bop,

and

) [that is a joke]. My Short term memory has been returning although not yet recovered.

 

In my opinion, after looking at hundreds of Benzo threads... Memory seems to stay the same or improve... but Most people who went through Benzo Hell dont like to talk about it 2-3 years afterward... they seem to generally heal completely or heal to a functional state, they just tend to not talk about Benzo Hell because the only people who understand it are other sufferers. The other thing is the pain stops hurting so much... if you can remember a bad instant in your life at the time it seemed like it was too terrible to bear, but if you look back at it now it doesnt hurt very much anymore. My Advice is to keep a journal so that you can remember easier when you are healed... we all have a story to tell.

 

Bah I talked to much... didnt mean it to be so long... Hope it helps.