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dear friends,

 

i wake up with deathly fatigue and flu like feelings and the depair to have to exist like this is in my throat and gut.  i hear my 80 yearr old father in law speak cheerfully on the phone and my stomach fills wkth physical depression.  everyone is working again and i try to join in and can hardly function but to sit alone in the house and suuffer and rock again makes me weep with hopelessness again.  i pack my things and decide to take my suffering somewhere else but there is only happy people everywhere i think to go and i shrink back to drive and see all the normal happy people.  i think again to go to the hospital and just tell them to do anything with me.  there is no pattern to all this suffering and to get so sick with the horrific moods just because i see or hear others is just too much to bear anymore. i get so sick as others keep making plans to run errands or celebrate events.  i just want to run away to the wilderness.  i was so sick yesterday just travailing and repeating things under my breathe for no reason and i tried to help paint and just couldnt will myself to just do it anymore.  i cried and suffered alone in the house again.  i had to drive with my husband so he could take a class at night.  i sat in the car and suffered depersonalized and all kinds of depression both physical and emotional.

 

i had a few lifts last week and thoughts of turning the corner but this has all been crushed with agony again.  i have my things packed and holding the car keys and i want to leave and take my suffering somewhere.  why should i sit and suffer for hours again?  why should i do nothing while my loved ones eat drink and be merry while i watch with a body and mind racked with pain?  why?  why?  why? 

 

i dont feel progress and just so much disappointment as suffering continues and the clock ticks and i breathe and the pain continues and it all turns into hours, days, weeks, months of more suffering.

 

is this still withdrawal really?  i just cant bear to suffer through this horrific grief and being left out and feeling all the negative moods of hate and jealousy, anger, irritability, fear, anxiety, paranioa just taking their turns over and over.  i try to pray it, think it, or distract it away and nothing helps me.

 

i have the car keys and i want to take my suffering somewhere else.  i want to go away now and i dont see any use in hanging around any longer just to try to get through another day of suffering for no reason but to just exist because i am too fearful to trust anyone to help me and so i just suffer and i dont know if i am foolish and stubborn and suffering for nothing.  the pain changes all the time and i feel too crazy to handle it anymore.  my husband says to just come out and paint.  sometimes i try and some times i dont and either way it doesnt help.

 

i have the car keys.  i want to give up now.  i want to give up everyday. i eant to give up now and take myself to the hospital.  i start to go out to the car but the i get afraid and come back in the house and sit and suffer and cry and then i go out to the car again.

 

I shouldnt just keep suffering anymore and keep waking up so sick and out of my mind with no love, joy,interest and just fret and travail in an exhausted body and everything i hear and see and think hurts in so many ways.  it is just to crazy and my body clock is mixed up and i still can t get good sleep or take naps without shocks and it just never stops.  i think a symptoms goes away but it comes back with a vengeance or if one goes away another starts and i am discouraged to the depths every single day.  now if i get a lift i just fear the crushing that will come.  im not naive anymore to think that maybe it is getting better.  this last time has just done me in.  i thought i might get better but i am in hell again and over all the time.  please please help.  i am sitting here with the car keys but i have nowhere to go.  should i go to bed again and hope that it will be better tomorrow again for the thousands of times?  i am depsondently and hopelessly lonely in all this pain and i went to bed last night so hopeless for healing and i am suffering through today again.  i just have the car keys now and feel so hopeless to get in the car and try to take my pain somewhere else.  please help me.  please please help me to know what to do friends.  i just can't stand the thought of getting of the computer and looking at the clock and looking all around me with no connection and so sick and and having to choke down food again and there is no comfort anywhere and I just don't want to hear anyone say "oh a warm bath will make you feel good or get some sunshine or eat something or get your mind off of it or hard work will make you sleep or rest a while and you'll feel better, or come in here and watch this cooking show or take a drive or get out and window shop or get a pedicure and the list goes on and none of it helps and anyway I have done it all!!!!!!!!!!  I have done these things many many times.  I tried it all and the pain suffering goes everywhere with me.  Please help.  Thank you for listening.  Hope4us

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Hi Hope,

 

I think we can all relate to how you feel. At one time or another, we've all had similar stretches. These last longer for some than others, of course.

I'm sorry to hear you're having so much trouble this far out, but I think you're correct in assuming that this may not all be WD at this point. Some certainly

could be, but I'm only 4 1/2 months out and I'm already thinking some of my issues may be organic anxiety and not pure WD.

 

It sounds to me like you need to find a good, caring therapist who is educated or at least sensitive to WD issues. There are ways to work through these things.

You can absolutely do it. But, you have to start small. When we feel bad, we're overwhelmed by it all. It all feels so insurmountable. But, start small.

First, be able to just sit with yourself and be at peace for a few minutes a day. Work on getting your thoughts off of yourself for stretches. Take short walks.

Do something outside. Journal a bit each day. Don't think about the big picture too much... just know that you're working towards it. Read books like The Presence Process

or Full Catastrophe Living.  Try to meditate, or use guided meditation. Listen to positive podcasts like Dr. Robert Puff on itunes. (Several.)

 

Find routines in your daily life that you enjoy and try to repeat them. Give yourself some sense of stability. I also think you need to pinpoint the "pain" and what it really is.

Is it physical? Mental? Both? Does it ever let up, and if so.. when and why, do you think? Sometimes those things are hard to figure.

 

Look into TMS theory by Dr. John E. Sarno. These principles may be useful for you.

 

You will come out of this. You weren't always this way. None of us were. We'll all find our way. Just try to start small. Try to be present with the current moment whenever

you can and get out of your head, and if thoughts come... just witness them and try to let them pass. If you listen to Dr. Puff's podcasts... you'll hear him talk about not identifying with your thoughts a lot. Those thoughts are not you. It's the result of a tired emotionally taxed mind and body.

 

Dr. Claire Weekes also has a lot of great audio on anxiety. I love using audio because sometimes reading is a lot of effort or takes concentration we may not have

at the moment. Audio can be used repeatedly to seep into our brains in a positive way.

 

Just work in baby-steps. Some day, this will just start to lift. One of the problems with things like meditation and therapy is that they don't always provide INSTANT

relief. So, you might think they're not working. But, you didn't get into this state instantly, so it's logical to think that you'll get out slowly.

 

Me? I'm nowhere near where I want to be. But, I have made progress. I have seen windows. I had my life turned upside down by anxiety a year and a half ago, but I'm finally seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. It just HAPPENS...  you'll  wake up one day feeling a little better. Or, you'll notice that you haven't had a negative thought in a few hours. You'll find yourself laughing.  It just happens. Try to loosen your grip and float with what is, knowing that it's painful but not harmful. It will get better.

 

Be well and keep us updated.

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Dear Hope4Us

 

You need to read the replies to your other posts today and have your husband read them also.  You also need to give the car keys to your husband, I don't think at this time you should be driving.  We are here for you, but maybe it is time you thought about extending your help circle.

 

Hugs and Prayers,

Poplady

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Hope ..

 

I am so sorry for what your experiencing I so am ! I am so hoping that you can discuse everything your feeling with your husband. I believe he can help you the way you need it. What your going through is so heavy and I believe you need some very good solid support Tangable support. Maybe alittle more then what we can offer on a on-line site. I will be praying for you every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

God Bless you Hope and remember your name " HOPE" That's has to mean something!!!

 

Ur friend ~ Jenny

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