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Oh boy oh boy oh boy... Is dwelling/fixation a w/d symptom? Are we addicts?


[cn...]

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I can't believe I am in this boat right now... I've been doing soooo good for a fairly quick taper. I've gotten some advice to maybe stretch out my taper for a couple more weeks.

 

Today I've made a lot of posts, and I keep DWELLING on last nights scary panic attack!

 

I even called the Nurses Hotline again tonight to get reassurance that's what it is, is BENZO W/D symptoms. The Nurse was so kind and said yes.

 

But it's like I can't get enough reassurance?? Is this a common w/d symptom?

 

My anxiety is up some tonight, but not TOO terrible. But I know it's up b/c I'm SO fixated on this all of a sudden... I've done soooo good til lastnight! Why did that have to happen?

 

If I didnt watch that terrible movie clip lastnight, maybe I wouldnt of had this terrible panic attack... BUT NOW I KNOW.

 

I even went to the Extent tonight in calling a DRUG ADDICTION HOTLINE. To get some info from some peepz who have been through drug w/d etc.

 

This girl started saying stuff like "Yeah, the 1st step is admitting your an ADDICT."

 

And I stopped her and said "An addict? I don't mentally crave this stuff! Why do I need to be in AA meetings?"

 

AND THAT SPARKED SOME ANXIETY!

 

Now I'm thinking "GREAT AM I AN ADDICT?"

 

I don't crave these pills! So I can't be right?

 

But maybe I'm just "physically" dependant in a way... BUT BY ALL MEANS, I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF AN ADDICT?

 

OR ARE WE ADDICTS??

 

I think what I need to do is take a few steps back, GIVE THE FORUM A BREAK for a few days...

 

And I need to quit calling my Dr., Nurses hotlines, and for crying out loud a Drug addiction hotline. lol.

 

Love you all.

 

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I just read online the difference between "benzo dependancy" VS "benzo addiction".

 

I am NOT AN ADDICT. I've just became physically dependant/tolerant to them. I never craved them. PHEW!  :crazy:

 

I know I sound like a crazy right now... but I kind of am right now LOL.  :idiot:

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Despite your anxiety, you managed to give me some comic relief.  :laugh:

 

Believe me, I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you, because a few weeks ago, I had this idea of calling a Drug Addiction Hotline myself!

 

BTW, I would go to a zillion AA or NA meetings if it held even the smallest promise of getting out of withdrawal.  Sadly, most of us just have to stand the test of time and tough it out.

 

You also gave me a little chuckle when you said you were going to take some time off of this forum and then you came right back on after looking up the difference between dependency and addiction.  Yes, this entire benzo withdrawal makes us all feel a little nutty from time-to-time!

 

Whatever you need to do to take care of yourself in a healthy way is A-OK!!  You are doing terrific!!!

 

All the Best,  Laurie

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[8a...]

Greetings!

 

  Is dwelling/obsession/fixation a withdrawal symptom? Most assuredly, yes!  For months after my c/t I was convinced that I had developed some horrid disease.  I spent hours every day just googling different symptoms, calling the nurse advice line....etc.  For me, i think it all boiled down to hypochondria.  Ashton does list hypochondria ( as well as obsessions) as wd symptoms, so please try not to worry too much.

 

  I think that these obsessions can sometimes take over completely and keep us from seeing the big picture.  I know for me, I was so focused on worrying which new disease I had developed, that I never accepted my symptoms for what they really were -withdrawal.  I think you did the right thing by getting yourself checked out after your panic attack.  It is always a good idea to get checked out if you think something might be wrong.  Now that you have been given a clean bill of health, try to accept that this is all wd, and it will all go away with time.

 

  I know exactly how you are feeling, as you are describing the me from months ago.  I hope it eases your mind to know that I am all but healed now.  It will amaze you how much your body will heal, it just takes time :)

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[c0...]

Yes, look up "Iatrogenic dependency" and you will see that we were MADE physiologically addicted to these drugs by the prescriber because they were given to us for more than the recommended 2 weeks use. Had we been INFORMED that this could happen w/ use more than 2 weeks, NONE of us would've taken the crap to begin with. However, none of us were informed, sadly, and that is how we all wound up in THIS horrible place.

 

None of us are addicts, just iatrogenically dependent on medication that was incorrectly prescribed to us. And no, you won't find comfort at NA/AA b/c they are dealing w/ cravings and that sort of thing. Benzos don't typically fall into that category unless you were abusing them to begin with. Most of the members here were not abusing the medication, they were simply following MDs orders and wound up physically dependent. The only reason people wish to use after coming off of them is b/c the withdrawal is SO painful that they want it to end.

 

Hang in there. Good luck when you jump.

 

All the best. -lamberfn

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Hello :)

I just want to say.. You know who You are!!! Dont let any1 tell you anything other then that!

You would know if you were a addict.. I am the same as you Never craved my meds mentally.

I had a physical addiction thats it.. If any1 tryed to tell me diff. Then theres a problem.You stand confident in who you are expecially in this awful w/d. I know its leaveing you so worried and concered ..Its scary. But its truely w/d and these sxs can break us down.. The panic and anxiety is 1 of the worst sxs EVER!!!

 

I had over 30 sxs for many months way many months, There all gone now every single 1. If I listened to certin things people said to me, Who knows I may be in a very different place rt now.. You hang in there Your going to be wonderful again , Just remember if you get a rush of Panic again ..Stay as calm as you can and breath nice and slow maybe lay down and take in deep calm breaths. Its 1 of those sxs that can bring on cold sweats and a feeling that is so scary, But when you know its w/d it brings a bit of understanding that this can happen but will not hurt you,Hang in there I am so sorry your going through this!!! It ends all of it. You will be so happy again with your wife and friends and family .. ;)

~Jenny

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Klonkers, Thank you for your response. LOL. I'm glad I could give you a little comedy reliefe. I actually read your post before bed and started laughing. lol. We have to laugh at ourselves sometimes... =) I'm in a totally different mindset today I feel. More relaxed and chilled. I'm gonna be alright!  :thumbsup:

 

Fieldychan - Hypochondria is something I have developed even in the past 3 years. But I think I have possible been in tolerance w/d or maybe it was when I was just w/ding in the past, that has caused hypochondria. I was a very careful benzo user. But I've learned you can never be too careful. B/c I used it off and on for 2.5 maybe 3 years roughly. I think me being on a mild AD, will help those moments of dispair or hypochondria. Im not saying it's going to be EASY, by NO MEANS! But I think it could help a little with my thought process. I'm SO EXCITED that you have HEALED!!! I can't wait to HEAL ALSO AND FEEL MY OLD SELF AGAIN FROM 3 YEARS AGO!!! I want my old self back!! =)

 

Lamberfa - Thank you so much for your response! You hit it on the nail! =)

 

Jasola - Thank you for your kind words! Yes, anxiety is the worse! One thing I was dealing with while tapering was, memory issues. But I've noticed now, the less I'm taking of Ativan, the better my short term memory is getting... Also my sleep lastnight wasnt as good as before, but I think the Remeron I'm taking is helping me sleep. I'm also feeling a little nervous stomach, and a bit of underlying anxiety. Also my appetite is low. I'm going to make it! And I'm going to try as hard as I can to WELCOME the anxiety and the WORRISOME THOUGHTS.

 

Big Hugs to everyone.

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[75...]

I call my experience an "accidental addiction." Addiction can be psychological. It can be physical. Usually it is a little of both. I don't really worry about labels, though. The fact that I'm here posting comments and stuff on a benzo hotline is probably an indication that, yes, I have an addiction, or dependence, on benzos. I'm on my 36th day of a cold turkey and while I'm not physically craving the drugs, there is a part of me that has to stay vigilant because deep down there is a craving for the pills simply because I know they would provide TEMPORARY relief. However, I'd just end up back where I was if I give into temptation, so I just keep on pushing ahead.

 

Is that deep-down desire for some relief the sign of addiction? I don't know. Probably. But I don't care. That's behind me now. It's 36 days' ancient history. However, it is a tenuous history and I must remain constantly vigilant that I don't screw up and do something stupid, like go to an ER to score some pills to get some relief.

 

So, call it what you will. To me it's just semantics. Today I am drug-free. And tomorrow I will be, too. And the day after that. And that. And that. I WAS an addict. But I'm moving on with my life.

 

Hang in there. You will be fine...

 

Tucson

 

Me on Day 36 of my final c/t: :idiot:

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I'm going to practice pronouncing iatrogenic dependency.  Then maybe giving "addiction by prescription" as a definition....  Unintentionally poisoned by my doctor???  nothing sounds quite respectable.

 

But I don't feel like an addict either.  

 

Now coffee?  that's another matter.  craving it!!

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I think part of the confusion with the word "addiction" comes from the fact that it has different definitions around the world. The definition of addiction I go by is the one that is most commonly accepted in the USA "Habitual use of substance or activity that one continues to do despite being aware that it is causing them harm." I don't think most people prescribed benzos long-term are truly addicted, only suffering iatrogenic illness caused by long-term use. I know that I got off benzos as fast as I could when I realized they were harming me and causing all the severe symptoms I had been developing. From my understanding, addiction to benzodiazepines is rare. On the other hand, physical dependency is very common with long-term use and can be quite severe, as many of us unfortunately found out first hand.
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When I was taking Ativan and Valium, the pills made me feel GREAT!  No more burning from muscle spasms and no more worrying about being sick (which fed the spasms)  Of course, I did have some nasty anxiety attacks, but the Valium took them right away.

So when I stopped taking the pills, because I realized I looked forward to taking them and thought that was not such a great thing, I had no idea what I was in for.  I realized I was at risk for being psychologically addicted but I didnt realize I was physically dependent.  When I saw what the drugs did to me, there was no way I wanted them again--hard to look forward to something that could make you this sick.  I flushed them though because I knew if the symptoms got too bad I would be tempted to take them just for the relief they would offer.  There have been moments when I have been glad that I did that.  That doesnt make me an addict, that just makes me someone who is tired and suffering and wants relief.  I can say with 100 percent confidence that I will never take another one of these pills again.

It is my experience that some of the hotline folks have little idea about benzo and many of the ones I called were more interested in selling their inpatient detox services---even though none of the catered to the type of drugs we here have problems with.

 

Shell

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Exactly Shellmac!

 

We love the idea of having these pills around b/c we don't CRAVE them persay... we just know what they can do FOR US if we are feeling AWFUL. ... so there is temptation. But it's not like a craving!

And we arent going around town breaking into peoples houses or cars trying to find drugs. lol. And certainly we arent on the streets looking for them either. So therefor we are not DRUG ADDICTS... we are just kind of dependent.. but unwillingly dependent. If we knew this was going to happen to us... we never would have taken them to begin with right?

 

And you are right, that chick was soliciting a detox center in LA. lol.

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I called tons of hotlines--they all told me to get to the ER before I had a seizure.  I was on such a low dose of valium that that was a "cover your ass" comment.  But I was in freak out mode and that was enough to set me off. , I finally got some guy at a hotline in Colorado, who didnt try to hock his rehab and actually told me it was for street drug users, who told me that I was not going to have a seizure and to just tough it out.  He did tell me I would be better in a month and I guess most people are.  He also told me his Dad took 1mg of Valium his whole life because he just couldnt get off, so at least he validated my experience.  I called him a few times and he really tried to help and reassure.  I really appreciated how nice he was to me and for no personal gain.

I have to tell you I was really  freaked out in the beginning and I am sure that my worries would make you laugh-- I think I set the bar for crazy wacked out worries (hint:  I purchased 5 types of dog/bear repell spray and still have 3 baseball bats strategically placed around my yard because of my neighbors dog ).

Shell

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