Rebuilding your life

[[jj...]]

I am very grateful that I am well.  However, the aftermath that the sickness brought on was a lot.  I could not have addressed these issues early on.  But to rejoin the world, I need to return to work.  I have been applying today.  Despite being well, I will have to explain what occured over the past year.  I am known not to hide anything and I won't now.  So many external factors occured that will require so much explaining.  Also, the fact that the job market is horrible does not help this cause.  I want to return but I am not ready to endure the high stress and long hours.  I wanted to know for those who did return to work, what was your experience.  I know Leslie was forced to return but I am in better shape.  The general stress of interviewing and job hunting is hitting.  I miss the confidence I have because of my predicament.  I will regain it again once I do return.  I am glad I volunteered before this or I would be much more insecure about returning to work.

[[An...]]

Hi jj

 

Am glad you are feeling better and looking at returning to work.  I'm afraid I can't help on that one.

 

However, I just wanted to say that as great as I have been feeling the past week, I have been thrown into a situation of change and am experiencing normal anxiety symptoms.  All it was was a flight to visit my family in London (I have not seen my mother yet, last time that threw me into major anxiety) and sleeping in a strange bed. I have only slept 4 hours in the past 2 nights so that doesn't help  as am terribly tired, have a very nervous stomach and feel absolutely awful.

 

I would not have necessarily said I was an anxious person prior to benzos but I guess I must be to some extent as I suffered that initial panic attack which led me to benzos in the first place.

 

My point is, I agree that you should look for work that is not too taxing and won't cause too much stress as these benzos definitely make you more vulnerable.

 

Angel

[Guest [Tu...]]

I'm trying not to think too much about the future while in the first month of a c/t because the worrying would just increase my already non-stop anxiety. I have unemployment coming in until early June. I started my c/t on September 7 and am hoping that by 6-7 months out (February or March) I will be able to work on a part-time basis and then slowly transition back to full-time work. If things take longer to heal, then I may have to push work back until later and pay the bills by raiding my 401(k).

 

Right now, though, in order to be functional in the future I need to take care of myself NOW. So, things will what they are meant to be, so I try and just focus on doing as best as I can today and plan for tomorrow, but not so much that it sets me up for failure.

 

More than anything, I'm tired of being isolated! I get really stressed out when I'm out in "the world" and spend too much time just holed up in my house. My only contacts seem to be with my wife and my son (who's living at home while going to college).

 

As for explaining why there's been a long gap in my employment, well I worked as a social worker in behavioral health and cuts to Medicaid have led to mass layoffs in the behavioral health field. So, jobs are few and far between, so most prospective employers will know that it's been a tough time. I've got Facebook friends who personally or who have a friend or family member who have been unemployed for a year or more, so in today's workplace I don't think a long period of unemployment is that unusual.

 

Good luck in job-hunting! I hope I'm doing as well as you seem to be doing when I hit the 5-month mark!

 

Tucson

 

Me on Day 28 of a c/t:

[[Wi...]]

JJ, it's possible that the stress you are feeling is predominantly the stress that goes along with the job search process.  Take away benzo w/d and I think it still ranks in the top 10 of life stressors.  So your nerves, w/d or not, are absolutely normal.

 

I'm not entirely sure what your question is but what I can tell you is this.  I took on a job shortly after my taper became stable out of necessity.  It was a job that was a softer landing then the high pressure jobs I've had in the past.  I also made much less money and had much less responsiblity.  But as a result I've spent the last 5 months getting my sea legs.  As a result of that, I have been offered another opportunity. This one is more money and more responsiblity and to be entirely candid, I have my fears.  But I also had the same fears before beginning the first one. So I guess what I'm saying, what worked for me thus far has been a step up process.

 

I didn't know if I could handle the first one. And the first few weeks, I gave myself permission to quit anytime I wanted to and with that permission, I found I didn't need to.  I just took it one day at a time.  I'm not saying it was easy or that I was fully "there" everyday.  I was having memory issues and starting a new job can ramp up symptoms and in fact I was exhausted every night and couch potatoed it for most weekends cause I couldn't do a lot more than that, but people have a tendancy to be fairly self involved so even tho there were times I was screaming in my head, no one seemed to notice.  Not sure if this gives you anymore info or not, but your fears and concerns actually are normal, w/d or not.  Breath deep, do what you can when you are ready and when that time comes, realize that it's a bit of a leap of faith and you may flop and you may fly.  Just remember even if you flop you ultimately will fly.  

 

For me I've come to the realization, probably as a result of this w/d process, that for me success simply means "Well it didn't kill me". Anything more than that is a win. <grin>

 

[[An...]]

For me I've come to the realization, probably as a result of this w/d process, that for me success simply means "Well it didn't kill me". Anything more than that is a win. <grin>

 

 

I LOVE that quote Wisewoman!!!  Love it!  Am going to pin it up all round the house!

 

Angel

[[Ho...]]

JJ, I am going to follow this topic closely becuase I need to know the very same thing. My life has been turned up side down completely over these past few years thanks to these psych drugs. I don't even know who I am without them anymore. I have lost  a lot of memory of my previous years, and I'm only 24. I  am in a sort of countdown since I only have 9 months until I graduate college. I've told myself I have to be healed and feeling well in order to be able to take on the challenges of adult life, and I'm absolutely terrified that I won't be.

[[Go...]]

Holly, those memory issues will come back. So many people that I've talked to post benzos say that their memory is better than before. Yours will be to. Your new profile pic is pretty but I loved the one with the big smile. That girl is still in there even if you don't see her right now. Your permanent smile will come back and be bigger than ever trying to find the biggest smiley!

[[Ho...]]

Holly, those memory issues will come back. So many people that I've talked to post benzos say that their memory is better than before. Yours will be to. Your new profile pic is pretty but I loved the one with the big smile. That girl is still in there even if you don't see her right now. Your permanent smile will come back and be bigger than ever trying to find the biggest smiley!

 

Thank you I'll try to remember that

[[jj...]]

This morning I woke at 5am to dog barking.  I look outside the window...we live way way out in the country to see a vehicle driving in the dark.  I looked closer and I thought, "Let me guess what that is."  It was a tow truck taking away the Lexus.  My house had been foreclosed upon.  I am thankful to be able to use my fiance's car and I live with him.  It didn't hit me at first but throughout the day I felt worse about it.  I bought that car as a present for passing the CPA.  The house that got foreclosed upon, I was so proud of.  Then I saw a picture of me niece who lost her legs.  She was smiling.  Still given the choice between where I am now and her, I still pick me.  I also applied to jobs today, and received two calls.  The first one said that they do a credit check (ironic, huh)...I quickly disclosed that my credit was bad (It was a credit union).  He actually said I would be better to get a bankruptcy...  I may not be an expert at benzos, but technically I am an expert in finances...cpa/mba/pfs..  I said, I will not file bankruptcy.  Once employed, I will be able to pay creditors.  I may take a while to rebuild credit but I can't take back a bankruptcy..Moreover, given that I will always be in the financial arena, bankruptcy box is something I do not think will be a good idea for someone who will one day (hopefully) be a CFO.  Also, since I have debt beginning to pay it back will establish credit faster then waiting for new credit.  Finally, people lent me money and I intend to pay it.  I thought it so ironic that a credit union would accept a discharge over someone who is taking the high road.  A day full of ironies.  It hurt that my car was taken away, but a couple of things came to mind.  1.) I can't change the past so worrying over it will not change it either.  2.) Im not in hell any longer and that IS something to be happy about.  3.)  We need to define happiness....

[[Ch...]]

Hey JJ,

 

I've read your success story and am very happy for you.    I can understand the feeling you have about getting back to work and sorting out your finances.  Have you tried applying to a basic tax service company or accounting firm?  It doesn't have to pay well right away.  Based upon our discussions, I'm sure you would move up the ladder quickly.  Companies these days prefere to promote from within.  Then one day you can get back to your own business, if that's what you want.  You can do this.  It's just a matter of starting out somewhere.  Let us know how it goes.

 

Christopher

[Guest [Si...]]

Hello JJ,

 

I am not off the Valium, but I am getting there.

I think of "rebuilding" my life like this.

Me, I have always been a strong willed and upper person, BUT I think of it like this-

I lived without the Benzo for 23 years and I will live without it again and go on..

 

Though easier said than done, I know.

That is how I look at it.

 

I wish you a good future and you will have one.

 

Billy.

[[jj...]]

Saw the news last night.  Steve Jobs (ceo of Apple) died.  Here is a man who didn't go to college(I think) and became one of the most powerful CEOs.  Also, very well liked.  I think he would have given anything to have the house foreclosed and the car taken away to live another day.  If we get past our basic needs, food, shelter, clothing, safety....then the more important things like relationships are paramount.  Even though its a daunting task, its not insurmountable.  I was a foster child living in a shelter, I was a single mother with a baby on the hip and 89 cents in my pocket, I was Hurrican Katrina and lost everything.  My point is that "starting over" is not a new thing for me and in all those case I bounced very, very quickly..and I will do the same now...older and wiser.

[[An...]]

Wow jj!  You are a real trooper. Good luck with the job serch.

 

Angel