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I don't feel I'll ever be the same


[WT...]

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I'm absolutely convinced that I'm never going to be the same again.  How can this trauma be erased?  It's to much, it's to much, it's to much!!!  I have no sense of security whatsoever, even in my own death.  I feel I'm going to be tortured for eternity, and I'm afraid of my own brain as it has completely turned against me, and can do it again if it wants.  I have no peace.. how can I ever be the same again?  I don't see how it's possible.. :'(

 

I see only one two ways out, and that would have to be some kind of memory eraser, which at this point in time is out of the question -- I would give any amount of money to erase my memory of this trauma. Or if there was some way that my brain would quit making fear chemicals.  I feel as though I have PTSD, and I feel it's permanent.  I have ZERO hope, and I think my brain is just taunting me with windows.  I have flash backs that won't go, and I feel I'm getting worse.  The only things that have gotten better in a linear fashion is the DR, and DP.

 

Fear is actually the number one symptom here, because it is feeding all the negative thoughts, and I can't fight them because I can't face them.  

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I had exactly the same fears as you.  Honestly I did and I also never thought I would recover.

 

You are still very early off.  It wasn't until the middle of the 4th month that I started to feel better generally and more like myself and the fear was less.  I did have a 5 day window around that time of feeling really 'me' again, then I had a wave where I felt lousy but not as lousy as I had been feeling before the window.  I am now in another window which I am hoping will not close - but if it does, I am sure it won't be like going back to the earlier days and the window will return.  In fact I am travelling by plane tomorrow for a couple of weeks.  I still have a couple of symptoms, pins and needles and breathing problems and a teeny bit of nervousness when I wake up which goes when I get up.

 

This is a process and you just have to be patient but I KNOW that fear will go and you will recover and be completely yourself again - I would never have believed it myself.

 

So hang in there!

 

Angel

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It is awful to feel so hopeless, WTBNA.   :therethere:  I actually think that fear is the biggest problem that most of us face and face it we must. Please seek out a therapist with experience in treating PTSD or other anxiety disorders.  There is help but you have to look for it and keep looking as long as it takes.  I know you don't want to live like this the rest of your life and I know you are capable of getting better.  Those windows are really good signs and not taunts from a damaged brain.  Of course, your current mindset doesn't allow you to see it that way so you suffer more fear.  Member aj12 posted an excerpt from the book Benzo Wise today.  One of the sentences I remember is "Focus on what you want; not on what you don't want."
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Hey man,

 

SO sorry you are getting slammed. This happened to me. I was in the middle of my second month and I was getting these windows where I would return to almost normal and get that amnesia of forgetting the horror but they were real short. I thought I was making great strides but then.... Month 3 came and I got completely destroyed. Actually a little before month 3. Things just continued to slam me relentlessly for awhile. Now in month 4 I think I'm seeing the tiniest difference in symptoms. I am getting brief windows again to where I am maybe 70%. The DR seems to hang on no matter what though to some small degree. The major turning point seems to be in months 4-6 for most people from what I see. Please hold on. We have to hold on and believe these people that tell us it goes away. You can't give up unless you do this long enough to find out. You are a little far to try and reinstate so I think the best course of action is to try and ride it out. It's such a horrible situation.

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WTBNA-

 

I am sorry you feel that way and know that I had the same fear.  When I became well, I had a very, very hard time remembering what a wave was.  Take heart, it completely goes away and remembering what it felt like will even bother you a little bit.  It completely vanishes..every stress, worry....all of it goes away.  In your stage, I wouldn't have believed it so I doubt you will.  But it did go away, all of it.  The only thing I do now is not overload myself too much in rebuilding my life..but that is a rational coping skill.

 

JJ

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I know that feeling all to well.

 

I still doubt if ill ever go back to exactly the same way I was, but I think Ill get to a point where ill be happy living my life. The feeling of despair and hopelessness is horrible. I can relate.

 

 

 

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At 9 months off I still have these thoughts, even though I am substantially healed and still continue to heal. This is just such a long process I would be surprised if anyone could make it through without questioning from time to time throughout the whole process whether or not they will ever heal.
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JJ's words of the amnesia of waves is encouraging, and it's not that I don't trust those who say so, but I just can't fathom this.
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Hello WTBNA, so sorry you are feeling blue.

 

You know, the feelings of despair is a part of withdrawal. It waxes and wanes and then disappears!

 

The one thing that I had to do is accept that I was healing and whatever I was thinking was only temporary. I also had to accept that whatever I feared was not bigger than I was. We are stronger than those thoughts.

Just be aware of them and when they come knocking, replace them with positive, more uplifting ones. The power of positive thinking is one of the best cures for those intrusive thoughts. When you have a positive mind, you can put a positive spin on anything, including something dreadful!

 

You are okay. The thoughts you are having are normal for withdrawal - everyone who has gone through withdrawal, has experienced it!

 

Take care,

 

Lida

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I feel I've developed Schizophrenia from this.. Patterns in the carpet will take on real personalities and threaten me (I'm horrified!)  I didn't have this before the drug use.  This is deplorable.  Does anyone else have these symptoms?  
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Hi there :) You need to relax and let things happen, you took xanax for only 2 months, I took xanax for 20 years, can you imagine that! I'm alive and doing fine and you will too.

       

                  No worries

                      S

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JJ's words of the amnesia of waves is encouraging, and it's not that I don't trust those who say so, but I just can't fathom this.

 

I know, if I were talking to myself in the past, I wouldn't believe it either.

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Hi,

    No..I haven't recover a 100%. I still suffer w pressure headaches and tinnutis and I'm very tired most of the time. What has help me is "I push thru the w/ds symptoms. I tell myself, this is just the sxs trying to get me down, so I go out, do the things I need to do, sometimes I dont want to get out of bed, but I do. I hope that keeping busy as the days and month go by the sxs will become less and less, I probably have another couple of years to go,but in the mean time I'm going to live my life no matter what.

;)

                            Keep the faith and y'll be fine soon!!!!!!

                                        S

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