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I posted a message here yesterday that no one responded to. I feel very frustrated and need help please.

 

I feel like a lost cause. My doc had jacked my klonopin dosage to 6mgs for sleep. 6mgs! I didn't even know about benzos at the time, and just followed his lead. You have to understand that I never drank or did drugs or anything- my system is too sensitive!

 

I rapidly tapered to 2mgs over a course of a month and then dry cut from there for about a year before I jumped. But I think the damage is done. Too deep.

 

I do not believe I will recover. PLEASE help.

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Ashlee i do believe everybody heals some just takes longer than others! Dont give up because your recovery might be right around the corner! What symptoms are you still dealing with?
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ashlee, If you go back and read some of the postings from 2 and 3 years ago you will see that these people have all recoverd. We don't see their names anymore because they have moved on in life. It may seem hopeless now, because you are suffering so, and are in a lot of pain, but you too will join those hundreds of others who are back to living their lives again.

 

Enclosed  is a posting that I did a little while ago. I copied and pasted it here in hopes that you can benefit from it.

 

Where have they all gone?

« on: September 10, 2011, 01:10:07 AM » 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have read hundreds of old postings from the past three and four years, and have often wondered what has become of the kind, understanding people who cried together, laughed together, and shared their deepest thoughts together. To read the back and forth banter between one member and another, is fascinating and inspiring. I have to marvel at the fact, that complete strangers, in the blink of an eye, became kindred spirits. What a befitting testimony to our capacity, as humans, to love and appreciate one another.

 

We can become so enamered with certain members, that when they leave, we are left with an emptiness and sadness that cannot be easily explained. When I read about a gentle person who would become terribly anxious at the thought of having to drive across that long, scary bridge to visit her Mother, and the very sad ending that eventually ensued, It bothered me for a long time.

 

It's hard to explain, but while reading those postings from many years ago, I felt like I was treading on sacred territory, and could almost 'feel' the presence of the authors, who wrote all those heartfelt words to each other.

 

We have to be happy for the ones who have left, because in their own unique way, they have found all that had been lost, and are back in the world, living life again, in the way it is meant to be lived. The day will come when, we too, will be living life again, in the way it is meant to be lived.

 

The people who have healed and continue to inspire and comfort others, are very special, indeed.

 

 

 

 

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Pj,

 

I want to believe that but I believe I will not be one of these people. I believe I will be 3-4 years out still completely derealized and depersonalized because I did too much damage to myself. I did everything WRONG

- got on too large dosage

- rapid taper (virtual cold turkey)

- other drugs like Paxil which I cold turkeyed DURING my benzo recovery but I Don't even remember it- i was in such a FOG

- Ambien use and C/T

 

I did everything wrong, and my brain is completely fried. I will be left behind and this makes me not want to live anymore.

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Ashlee. please dont be discouraged, the healing will come.  I do know it takes some time, and durring that time you have us here to help you.  We will get better, and in the mean time just hang in there and we will get through this together.....

 

Bobby...

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Ashlee please dont let this make you feel that you dont want to live. You might be so close to healing and this will become a distant  memory! I have seen people take alot more than you did along with heavy alcohol use and cocaine for over 20 years and they healed after 2 years so dont think you have a unique case thats caused permanent damage!!! You will heal and be happy again!!!
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Gift of Life,

 

But how do you know that I didn't do irrepairable damage to my brain and CNS? I have seen hardly ANYONE on here on as much as I was.

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You said you were on 6mg K right? There are some who was on more and I really hope they chime in to give you reassurance because i can really feel your distress! The brain is a miraculous organ and does not damage easily! I am sure you will heal. How long were you on the K?
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I started at.5mg and my doc worked me up to 6mg over two years. It took me two full years to kick it, but Paxil (20mg) and Ambien (10mg) were in the mix too.

 

I remember when I was on a lower dose of K and took it before bed and I started slurring my speech and drooling. That's how hard it hit me. If I took these drugs during the day (I was instructed to take full dosage before bed) I would have realzied how STRONG this was FOR ME.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do!

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Ok i understand your fear because its hard to think about the future when right now feels so bad! There are quite a few people that suffered for almost 2 years and then things started looking up. I suffer with this also, sometimes i feel that my brain and body lead seperate lives! This poison is horrible but it does end it just takes time ( how much time is a mystery to us all)!
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Pj,

 

I want to believe that but I believe I will not be one of these people. I believe I will be 3-4 years out still completely derealized and depersonalized because I did too much damage to myself. I did everything WRONG

- got on too large dosage

- rapid taper (virtual cold turkey)

- other drugs like Paxil which I cold turkeyed DURING my benzo recovery but I Don't even remember it- i was in such a FOG

- Ambien use and C/T

 

I did everything wrong, and my brain is completely fried. I will be left behind and this makes me not want to live anymore.

 

ashlee,

 

The d/r and d/p symptoms can be really hard to cope with. Before I knew what they were I felt very defeated. I went to talk therapy before I became benzo-aware and it helped some, but not until I came to this forum did I really understand what was going on. We are not our withdrawal, we are intact under our symptoms. I realized I was feeling defeated and I got some very good advice from different buddies. One said every time they had a negative thought they would replace it with a positive one. This works very well for me.

 

Also I think that d/r and d/p do a number on our minds even while our brains are healing, so I got the Benzo-Wise book by Bliss Johns (someone who has healed from benzos), I read a daily meditation book that has positive messages and I bought the book, Feeling Good by David Burns, it's a cognitive behavior therapy workbook (CBT), I haven't gone through it yet because the other things I've been doing have been helping me. A lot of buddies have done CBT because we need all the help we can get to defeat the benzos and the frame of mind they put us in. Don't give up, you can defeat benzos.

 

 

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I posted a message here yesterday that no one responded to. I feel very frustrated and need help please.

 

I feel like a lost cause. My doc had jacked my klonopin dosage to 6mgs for sleep. 6mgs! I didn't even know about benzos at the time, and just followed his lead. You have to understand that I never drank or did drugs or anything- my system is too sensitive!

 

I rapidly tapered to 2mgs over a course of a month and then dry cut from there for about a year before I jumped. But I think the damage is done. Too deep.

 

I do not believe I will recover. PLEASE help.

hi Ashlee!

Over time I have seen for myself ,first hand how so many things in the ashton manual are accurate, check out these exerpts from Chapter 3 (link at the bottom) and read how she addresses exactly what you are fearing.

quote:

It is possible that benzodiazepines can cause subtle changes which are not detected by present methods, but on the available evidence there is no reason to think that any such changes would be permanent.

 

Coping with protracted symptoms. A number of people are expressing fears that some benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms last for ever, and that they can never completely recover. Particular concerns have been raised about impairment of cognitive functions (such as memory and reasoning) and other lingering problems such as muscle pains and gastrointestinal disturbances.

People with such worries can be reassured. All the evidence shows that a steady decline in symptoms almost invariably continues after withdrawal, though it can take a long time - even several years in some cases. Most people experience a definite improvement over time so that symptoms gradually decrease to levels nowhere near as intense as in the early days of withdrawal, and eventually almost entirely disappear. All the studies show steady, if slow, improvement in cognitive ability and physical symptoms. Although most studies have not extended beyond a year after withdrawal, the results suggest that improvement continues beyond this time. There is absolutely no evidence that benzodiazepines cause permanent damage to the brain, nervous system or body.

So please dont think that you will never heal because you will. Please dont be afraid, take confidence in her words that I have found to be accurate. ;)

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm

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  • 1 month later...
[fe...]

Ashlee- we're stuck in a similar HELL. UGH...the DP/DR is SO bad for me too. It's been 13 months since my C/T and I even reinstated at 4 months out to try to taper...and that did NOTHING. I'm STILL stuck w this stupid DP/DR and I can't STAND IT. I want it to GO. Worst thing is, IDK if this DP/DR is leftover from my c/t or if it's from tapering or WHAT the hell is going on. I think we both got it SO bad b/c we over-rapidly tapered/c/t'ed. I just WISH I knew when it would pass. That's the worst torture for me, is the NOT knowing...

 

Has yours lifted AT ALL? Mine has lifted just a tad, but not enough to where I can stand it. I can't distract myself or do anything. It's horrible. If it doesn't lift soon or get better, I'm going to go insane. IDK how to cope w/ this. I can't work, I can't function...I just lay here in my bed ALL day.

 

I hope to hear from you soon.

 

Hang in there...we'll get through this, somehow.

 

Love, ((HUGS)) and healing, Nicole

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Hi all. lamerfn and others, Do you drive your car? If so, how do you do it safely with the dp dr. I am afraid to drive with this symptom. I only go out to the doctor right now. My husband takes time out of work and drives me. My psychologist wants me to go out of the house and drive around. I did and got dp dr while driving. I don't want to get hurt or hurt anyone. My psychologist thinks I am not complying with her therapy because I don't go out and drive. She doesn't get it.

Thanks,

Bear

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Don't let my personal experience scare you but it hasn't lifted at all. It's like my brain is asleep, I'm in a total fog. Zero memory. Total disconnect. I'm with you, Nicole. It's my worse symptom.

 

I hate not knowing when it's going to lift too because I want to get back to living my life. It could be at least another year for me. I share your pain.

 

Hang in there guys. It's all we can do. We'll get there.

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[fe...]

Oh ashlee- I am so sorry. Are you able to function AT ALL? I mean, I am total zombie land. I can't even distract myself from this torture. I try to chat and such, but even that is difficult. WHAT do you do to get through this?? It feels IMPOSSIBLE. Do you have someone helping you? I find I can't even function w/ this symptom. Not AT ALL. I just lay here in my room in my bed and this existence is getting OLD quick.

 

I wonder if it's b/c a. we were on K and b. we all tapered too quickly?!!

 

Sigh, I wish there was an answer.

 

Hang in there everyone.

 

Love, ((HUGS)) and healing to all of you, lamberfn

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Some days I'm in zombieland, but other days I can do more- like go shopping, go to the gym, etc. I lost my job last month (downsizing) which was a blessing because I finally can just let myself be sick. I was PUSHING through these symptoms and just couldn't cope. I'm talking two hours of commuting per day, 50 hour workweeks, etc. all while derealized out of my MIND.

 

I have tons of other symptoms but could deal with all the pains and poor sleep if I was clear headed while doing it. I feel like I've lost my self identity because I cannot connect to myself or others and I just feel like I'm in a trance.

 

This symptom could be due to us being on K, I'm sure. And yes, we tapered too quickly but DUDE I had no idea this was even a risk!!! I'm planning to be out of work for at least another year, and at that point I'll be two years out so maybe it will be a different story? I hope. I compare myself to my friends and family who are living their lives, growing their careers, starting families and I'm just here...in my house....existing. But something positive that has come out of this experience is even though I'm not DOING anything "productive" I love myself more than ever. Just for...existing.

 

You love yourself too, Nicole. And getting off those drugs were the biggest gift you will EVER give yourself. You are worth the weeks or months it will prob take for the fog to lift and for life to resume. Remember that. Hold on okay? We're here and will get you through this.

 

 

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One more thing Nicole. In WD and especially with DR/DP minutes feel like months. I know this is getting OLD but try to be patient. Its tough for me too but you only just recently jumped completely off the drug. Do you think reinstating helped you? I kind of wish I had done a slower taper via reinstatement.
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[fe...]

NO- reinstating DID NOT help me. I would NOT recommend it. I was in horrid DP/DR at 4 months c/t. Reinstating did not take the DP/DR away...and it seems to be worse now than it was when I reinstated. It's not worth it. I will just stay off and push through from here forward. I am sorry that you're STILL dealing w this symptom. It's HORRIBLE and life-ruining. I am not working either. There is no way that I could.

 

Hang in there.

 

Keep in touch and be sure to update if things lift or get better for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

((HUGS)) and love and healing, Nicole

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Hi all. Ashlee, I have felt like you do, many times. I think that the drug is making my brain think like that, and I believed it. It is gone at the moment, but the bad thoughts may come back at any time. You will slowly get better. Our brains DO heal. Soon you will be here giving others behind you a helping hand, like I am doing now.

Hang in there.

Bear

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