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Does the self esteem heal?


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I can't imagine what it would be like not despising  myself every second... cringing at every single thing I say no matter what it is, and choosing to become practically  mute because of that. Can't imagine not beating myself up and actually feeling GOOD or at least okay about myself. PLEASE tell me this is just a symptom and will heal..... right now i'm not so sure. As if I wasn't going through enough, I have to completely hate myself on top of it all.
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I am not yet recovered from this Holly...my self esteem is at an all time low. This is my outlook on the probability though. People's self esteem sways naturally anyway. I think, for me at least, I will have to go through some issues and do some things to rebuild self esteem. I may have to do some things that are scary and undesirable to build that self esteem back up. For me, there is and will be an element of PTSD involved. I think if I face my fears and work through them...self esteem will return gradually as I reactivate my life and face it head on again. I am not concerned that much about that now as I am in survival mode (the hear and now)...I'm looking forward to finding the answers out right along side you though. This is an interesting thread to start...I will be following it with interest. Thanks for posting it.

 

Hugs, Robb

 

 

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Withdrawal makes us think odd thoughts about ourselves, life, death, the whole enchilada.

Can you be patient and gentle with yourself? When your brain heals more, my hunch is you won't feel so down on yourself.

 

Getting through to the other side of withdrawal often demands that we  dig really deep within ourselves. We find strength we never knew we had, and we come out feeling better about ourselves. I bet that happens to you.

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Withdrawal makes us think odd thoughts about ourselves, life, death, the whole enchilada.

Can you be patient and gentle with yourself? When your brain heals more, my hunch is you won't feel so down on yourself.

 

Getting through to the other side of withdrawal often demands that we  dig really deep within ourselves. We find strength we never knew we had, and we come out feeling better about ourselves. I bet that happens to you.

I'm sure you are right, I just can't see it right now. As for being gentle with myself, I don't feel like I can, but I will try. Lately I do not even want to interact with anyone, but  I can't stand interacting with myself either!

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Holly,

I'm not off or nearly healed...still trying to do this super slow taper, which is getting me nowhere. However, I have spoken to some members who are totally healed and they all say that the self esteem comes back. I feel the same as you do- horribly down on myself, hate myself, hate being around others b/c I know how miserable I am and how no one wants to be around me, etc, etc. You get the drift. I think the lack of self-esteem is most certainly a w/d symptom and one that we'll just have to work through until it gets better and things get back to normal. I do believe that you'll get to the other side of this.

 

Hang in there. You're still early in recovery- as much as that sucks. It will get better.

 

Much love, ((HUGS)) and healing, Nicole

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Withdrawal makes us think odd thoughts about ourselves, life, death, the whole enchilada.

Can you be patient and gentle with yourself? When your brain heals more, my hunch is you won't feel so down on yourself.

 

Getting through to the other side of withdrawal often demands that we  dig really deep within ourselves. We find strength we never knew we had, and we come out feeling better about ourselves. I bet that happens to you.

I'm sure you are right, I just can't see it right now. As for being gentle with myself, I don't feel like I can, but I will try. Lately I do not even want to interact with anyone, but  I can't stand interacting with myself either!

 

Holly, for months in my taper and especially after my cold turkey, I was CONVINCED I would NEVER heal, stop thinking dark thoughts, be "normal" etc. It is part of withdrawal. Your brain is scrambled from not getting the same dose of benzo. Your limbic system in your brain (fight or flight) is working over time. Your limbic system houses your traumatic emotional memory,so very often we feel old wounds bubbling up even though we may not be able to recognize them as such. We just feel the feeling and know we are scared, or ashamed, etc.

 

As awful as withdrawal can be for some, it is am AMAZING process from a neurological perspective. It is also amazing that the brain and body heals on its own accord. Even if you don't believe you are healing, you are. You can't stop it from happening.

 

Be gentle with yourself. TRUST the healing process. IT is happening right now as you read these words.

 

This is not  the real"you" in withdrawal.

 

I dont want to turn this post into "its all about me," so I will just say, I had a traumatic cold turkey. My mind took me to such a dark place I dont care to think about it. I share this to give you hope, not to scare you. I came out of that dark place. It took time, but the darkness passed. It will for you too. It will for all of us who stay the course and don't reinstate.

 

Don't quite before the miracle. Trust the process.

Let us know how you are doing. 

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During the few windows I have had I felt like a new person- no self conscious thoughts whatsoever. So I am guessing that it does. It might take awhile though. I am getting close to 9 months off and this is still something I struggle with.
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Holly,

 

I'm so glad you started this thread because I've been wondering the same thing lately.  I feel like I've been through so much, lost so much, mainly because of benzos that I'll never be the same again.  I used to actually enjoy people, was active, basically had a life, but benzos turned me into someone else completely. 

 

For 7 years, from the time I've been on benzos, I haven't been able to work full-time because Klonopin turned me into a lethargic, apathetic, depressed zombie.  Prior to that, for over 30 years, I had energy and always worked.  It took me years until I learned what was causing my "energy crisis."  Up until I discovered the Ashton Manual, I went from doctor to doctor having all kinds of tests in an attempt to figure out what was wrong with me.  I was convinced I had chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia for the longest time. 

 

At 52 years old I wonder how I'm ever going to be able to rebuild myself and my life again.  I feel like I'm starting from square one, from the foundation up.  There's this part of me to that still feels a sense of shame over becoming involuntarily addicted.  Even though I know it wasn't my fault, I still feel like I SHOULD have seen what was happening.  I wish I could shake that.  What's strange is that I have nothing but compassion and understanding for my fellow BBs, so why can't I have those feelings toward myself?

 

Mal

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Holly,

 

I'm so glad you started this thread because I've been wondering the same thing lately.  I feel like I've been through so much, lost so much, mainly because of benzos that I'll never be the same again.  I used to actually enjoy people, was active, basically had a life, but benzos turned me into someone else completely. 

 

For 7 years, from the time I've been on benzos, I haven't been able to work full-time because Klonopin turned me into a lethargic, apathetic, depressed zombie.  Prior to that, for over 30 years, I had energy and always worked.  It took me years until I learned what was causing my "energy crisis."  Up until I discovered the Ashton Manual, I went from doctor to doctor having all kinds of tests in an attempt to figure out what was wrong with me.  I was convinced I had chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia for the longest time. 

 

At 52 years old I wonder how I'm ever going to be able to rebuild myself and my life again.  I feel like I'm starting from square one, from the foundation up.  There's this part of me to that still feels a sense of shame over becoming involuntarily addicted.  Even though I know it wasn't my fault, I still feel like I SHOULD have seen what was happening.  I wish I could shake that.  What's strange is that I have nothing but compassion and understanding for my fellow BBs, so why can't I have those feelings toward myself?

 

Mal

I am soo sorry you feel this way, I also feel like this, I am still tapering. Looks like you are fresh off the benzoa, you will heal now. Ups and downs but you will get better, I think it is harder when we are older because we know that it is harder to heal and because we don't have as much time as someone younger.

That is how I feel anyway, that I missing out now at 43.

Love,

S

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  I was convinced I had chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia for the longest time. 

 

 

 

Mal

 

Sorry I clicked "Post" too soon...I think Fibromyalgia "is" Benzo wd in most cases. I was even diagnosed with it leading to my reinstatement after 8 months.

 

Holly, 

 

I think there is an upside to the learning experience of WD...as symptoms go away...I think we will NATURALLY grow self esteem. Everything is "relative" and when we start to notice that we can do things better than the previous months - we will get our self esteem back. We must (at some time) face our fears though to speed the process along.

 

Hugs Holly, Robb :)

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Thanks everyone. Some days are good days and I don't beat myself up too much, but other days I"m just in a rage against myself. I agree that chronic fatigue syndrome is probably completely due to various drug effects or withdrawals. Many times I wonder just how many "diseases" these days (especially mental) are really caused by prescription drugs. As soon as I get healthy, it's no more drugs for me...... ever.
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Thanks everyone. Some days are good days and I don't beat myself up too much, but other days I"m just in a rage against myself. I agree that chronic fatigue syndrome is probably completely due to various drug effects or withdrawals. Many times I wonder just how many "diseases" these days (especially mental) are really caused by prescription drugs. As soon as I get healthy, it's no more drugs for me...... ever.

 

Me too!

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Sorry I clicked "Post" too soon...I think Fibromyalgia "is" Benzo wd in most cases. I was even diagnosed with it leading to my reinstatement after 8 months.

 

I have a friend with Fibro and what she describes sounds like withdrawal to me.

 

So there are some similarities.

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Thanks everyone. Some days are good days and I don't beat myself up too much, but other days I"m just in a rage against myself. I agree that chronic fatigue syndrome is probably completely due to various drug effects or withdrawals. Many times I wonder just how many "diseases" these days (especially mental) are really caused by prescription drugs. As soon as I get healthy, it's no more drugs for me...... ever.

 

Did you know that the Amish don't get cancer? They grow their own food, don't get drugged and live a natural life...there is a study by The Ohio State University on cancer in the Amish community...there is virtually no cancer among them...they do have to breath the same air so it isn't like they are completely exempt from all these new illnesses but they are nearly immune to these chemical created illnesses.

 

Amish Have Lower Rates Of Cancer, Ohio State Study Shows | The ...

medicalcenter.osu.edu/viewer/pages/index.aspx?newsid=5307

Jan 1, 2010 – COLUMBUS, Ohio – When Ohio State University cancer researchers first began studying a large sect of Amish living in Ohio, they theorized ...

The Amish are much healthier than the rest of America

www.naturalnews.com/027930_Amish_health.html

Jan 13, 2010 – According to a recent study published in the journal Cancer Causes and Control, that seems to be the case; cancer rates among the Amish are ...

Amish have low cancer rate, but why? | The Columbus Dispatch

www.dispatch.com/.../amish.ART_ART_01-08-10_A1_BGG82C9.ht...

Jan 8, 2010 – Columbus Ohio's Hometown Newspaper serving the central ohio community.

Why Don't the Amish Have Autistic Children? 5/4/05

articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/.../05/.../amish-autism-part-one.aspx

May 4, 2005 – Amish communities, cut off from American culture and scientific progress, ... the most serious consequence of hepatitis B infection, liver cancer. ...

 

Robb :)

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Thanks everyone. Some days are good days and I don't beat myself up too much, but other days I"m just in a rage against myself. I agree that chronic fatigue syndrome is probably completely due to various drug effects or withdrawals. Many times I wonder just how many "diseases" these days (especially mental) are really caused by prescription drugs. As soon as I get healthy, it's no more drugs for me...... ever.

 

Did you know that the Amish don't get cancer? They grow their own food, don't get drugged and live a natural life...there is a study by The Ohio State University on cancer in the Amish community...there is virtually no cancer among them...they do have to breath the same air so it isn't like they are completely exempt from all these new illnesses but they are nearly immune to these chemical created illnesses.

 

Amish Have Lower Rates Of Cancer, Ohio State Study Shows | The ...

medicalcenter.osu.edu/viewer/pages/index.aspx?newsid=5307

Jan 1, 2010 – COLUMBUS, Ohio – When Ohio State University cancer researchers first began studying a large sect of Amish living in Ohio, they theorized ...

The Amish are much healthier than the rest of America

www.naturalnews.com/027930_Amish_health.html

Jan 13, 2010 – According to a recent study published in the journal Cancer Causes and Control, that seems to be the case; cancer rates among the Amish are ...

Amish have low cancer rate, but why? | The Columbus Dispatch

www.dispatch.com/.../amish.ART_ART_01-08-10_A1_BGG82C9.ht...

Jan 8, 2010 – Columbus Ohio's Hometown Newspaper serving the central ohio community.

Why Don't the Amish Have Autistic Children? 5/4/05

articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/.../05/.../amish-autism-part-one.aspx

May 4, 2005 – Amish communities, cut off from American culture and scientific progress, ... the most serious consequence of hepatitis B infection, liver cancer. ...

 

Robb :)

That is fascinating. I did a quick search and saw that amish do not get autism either. Wow... makes me think that our society must be really stupid.Why keep choosing to create these products that are killing us? Oh wait I forgot, money

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Thanks everyone. Some days are good days and I don't beat myself up too much, but other days I"m just in a rage against myself. I agree that chronic fatigue syndrome is probably completely due to various drug effects or withdrawals. Many times I wonder just how many "diseases" these days (especially mental) are really caused by prescription drugs. As soon as I get healthy, it's no more drugs for me...... ever.

 

Did you know that the Amish don't get cancer? They grow their own food, don't get drugged and live a natural life...there is a study by The Ohio State University on cancer in the Amish community...there is virtually no cancer among them...they do have to breath the same air so it isn't like they are completely exempt from all these new illnesses but they are nearly immune to these chemical created illnesses.

 

Amish Have Lower Rates Of Cancer, Ohio State Study Shows | The ...

medicalcenter.osu.edu/viewer/pages/index.aspx?newsid=5307

Jan 1, 2010 – COLUMBUS, Ohio – When Ohio State University cancer researchers first began studying a large sect of Amish living in Ohio, they theorized ...

The Amish are much healthier than the rest of America

www.naturalnews.com/027930_Amish_health.html

Jan 13, 2010 – According to a recent study published in the journal Cancer Causes and Control, that seems to be the case; cancer rates among the Amish are ...

Amish have low cancer rate, but why? | The Columbus Dispatch

www.dispatch.com/.../amish.ART_ART_01-08-10_A1_BGG82C9.ht...

Jan 8, 2010 – Columbus Ohio's Hometown Newspaper serving the central ohio community.

Why Don't the Amish Have Autistic Children? 5/4/05

articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/.../05/.../amish-autism-part-one.aspx

May 4, 2005 – Amish communities, cut off from American culture and scientific progress, ... the most serious consequence of hepatitis B infection, liver cancer. ...

 

Robb :)

That is fascinating. I did a quick search and saw that amish do not get autism either. Wow... makes me think that our society must be really stupid.Why keep choosing to create these products that are killing us? Oh wait I forgot, money

Yep Holly - cha ching and bling bling - very pathetic huh?

 

Happy happy Holls :)

 

Robb :)

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Hello Holly,

 

I have to say the self esteem does return. It has for me. I was the most negative, self hating person for awhile. I couldn't imagine myself normal and I wouldn't want to be around anyone because of how bad I felt.

 

It's really hard to control those thoughts, I know, but you have to try. Try to talk to yourself in a soothing, comforting way instead of a harsh, judgmental, fearful way. I believe that our body responds to our thoughts. If we think anxiously and fearfully our body will respond with anxiety and stress. If we think depressively our body will respond with fatigue and aches and pains.

 

The only thing you can attempt to control during this process is your thoughts. And that is hard because I think the bad thoughts are a sx themselves. What I did was this: every time I had a thought that made me feel bad, scared, sad, hopeless, depressed, anxious, worthless, fearful, etc. I would picture a big red stop sign in my mind. Then I would try to think of a more realistic [positive replacement thought. Trust me, I was seeing a lot of red stop signs, but it taught me to try really hard to change my negativity. It's easy to feel hopeless and bad about yourself when you feel miserable, and very difficult to feel any other way....I understand that completely. So I think all you can do is try your best to make your thoughts as positive and comforting as possible. It really helped me and that is when my sxs started disappearing. I feel 100 percent normal most days except that I still don't sleep well.

 

I hope it gets better for you!

 

Jittery

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Hello Holly,

 

I have to say the self esteem does return. It has for me. I was the most negative, self hating person for awhile. I couldn't imagine myself normal and I wouldn't want to be around anyone because of how bad I felt.

 

It's really hard to control those thoughts, I know, but you have to try. Try to talk to yourself in a soothing, comforting way instead of a harsh, judgmental, fearful way. I believe that our body responds to our thoughts. If we think anxiously and fearfully our body will respond with anxiety and stress. If we think depressively our body will respond with fatigue and aches and pains.

 

The only thing you can attempt to control during this process is your thoughts. And that is hard because I think the bad thoughts are a sx themselves. What I did was this: every time I had a thought that made me feel bad, scared, sad, hopeless, depressed, anxious, worthless, fearful, etc. I would picture a big red stop sign in my mind. Then I would try to think of a more realistic [positive replacement thought. Trust me, I was seeing a lot of red stop signs, but it taught me to try really hard to change my negativity. It's easy to feel hopeless and bad about yourself when you feel miserable, and very difficult to feel any other way....I understand that completely. So I think all you can do is try your best to make your thoughts as positive and comforting as possible. It really helped me and that is when my sxs started disappearing. I feel 100 percent normal most days except that I still don't sleep well.

 

I hope it gets better for you!

 

Jittery

Thank you, Jittery. It really suprised me when you said that's when your sxs started disappearing. I need to give all that a shot. The thing is, like you said the negative thoughts are a sx by themselves, and so when I do not succeed in changing them that just shoots me down even lower.

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I too was faced with an enourmous amount of sel-hatred.  You just take the leap of faith that its just an illusion.  The funky brain chemistry the lack of sleep all push you to these negative thoughts-but they are not real-they are not you.  I find breathing and just being aware of what I am "feeling", don't judge, don't ask why or how-just watch and accept-I do this about a million times a day now and it really works.  Hang in there-this too shall pass.  :smitten:
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