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I am very sick and do not feel up to writing. I really need to find out without going to anymore Dr.s if I am really mentally ill or if what I am going through is from my withdrawal of close to 5 months. (I did take a rescue pill of 1mg of valium last month after a horrific panic attack and advice from a dr., and I know this has set me back). Now I see my life (after 23 years of benzo and ad's ), very clearly. I can't bear it. I have no future, no skills, family. I have lost my youth. I am losing my mind about my body .... it's not the same as I remember. I can't bear to be in my home, I hate it. I walk around screaming and throwing things. I am going in sane. I think about killing myself but am afraid. I feel I can't go on another day.
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Hello Minujje, Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

I know 5 months is a long time, especially when you're suffering so horribly, but in terms of healing, you still have some to do.  Taking that 1 mg rescue dose hasn't set you back, a one off dose shouldn't cause you any problems.  We'll help you get through this, we have many members who are feeling what you are.

 

Ask questions, we're here to help.

 

Pam

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Hi Minujje, welcome :)

 

I felt the same as you, I was on benzos for over 20 years and felt like I've been in a coma until I got off and life hit me, you're not alone. When I was 5 months off I was having the worst wave of fear and depression, it's the drug doing that. I know it's hard to push through but it won't last forever, I promise.

 

Star

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Thank you Pam. I am sorry I wrote what I did. Will I get reported? I am afraid the police will come. i am NOT going to do anything.

 

I feel very sick though. Not normal, very frightened and I know I can talk to no one anymore or they will put drugs into me. What am I to do? I can't go on this way.

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Hello Minujje,

 

We are here for you. There are many kind people on this site willing to talk to you and to help you through the tough time you are having. We understand what you are experiencing.

 

pj

 

 

 

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Thank you Star. I am depressed. And I do feel I was in a state fog-like state. I don't know how I will do this alone.
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Thank you Pam. I am sorry I wrote what I did. Will I get reported? I am afraid the police will come. i am NOT going to do anything.

 

I feel very sick though. Not normal, very frightened and I know I can talk to no one anymore or they will put drugs into me. What am I to do? I can't go on this way.

 

We understand how this process causes us to think about self harm, we're not going to report you, but we'll ask that you don't discuss those feelings here.

 

Can you tell us about your taper, did you taper?  What was your dose and was it Valium?

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You're not alone, you have us, we know how this is where most people don't. I can assure you this type of depression won't last forever though. I never experienced 'benzo depression' before and it's the worst! I got past it, and you will too, it's part of healing from the drug. Studies have said it can take 6 to 18 months to recover from benzos so what you're feeling is right on track with recovery. Hang on it really won't last forever  :mybuddy:
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Hey Minujje,

 

You do have a future. I know it can be very difficult to stay positive while we feel totally cruddy, but remember that you are no longer bound by a pill to make you feel better. No more doctor visits, no more runs to the pharmacy, no more remembering to take a pill, etc and so forth. Your life is in your hands now and you can do with it as you see fit. You know, the stories I enjoy reading the most are the ones where people who have been on benzos for a decade or more make the brave decision to come off. You've got strong willpower and I commend you  :thumbsup:

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Star, but I also went off of prestiq too quickly right before the klonopin, so I am doubly in trouble here I think. I wonder if I ham in serious danger right now. I am feeling completely abnormal, I am afraid of myself.
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Minujje,

 

I have a similar history (on benzos 20 yrs) and I just want to let you know I had a horrible 5th month after stopping benzos too.  Things gradually get better, really they do.  I was scared too, but did not want to go to a doctor as I knew they would want me to take drugs.  I knew they would not believe this was still withdrawal at 5 months out.

 

I just kept coming here to benzo buddies and asking questions, and the knowledge I got answered so many of my questions.  My anxiety started to come down just knowing what was happening to me.  Everything started to make sense and I got hope.

 

We will help you through this.  It is a long process getting off benzos, very different than coming off opiates or other drugs that only have a 7-30 day withdrawal period.  Coming off benzos takes a ton of patience, but it is definitely doable.

 

I know how much you are suffering mentally and physically right now.  Try to do whatever you can to make yourself as comfortable as possible, do whatever you can to stay away from stress, cut out caffeine and sugar, and don't be afraid to ask people to help you.

 

This intensity will pass, you just have to ride it out.  Withdrawal comes in peaks and waves, but over time they get less intense as symptoms start to diminish.  You can heal from this and have a full life, as the thousands who have gone before us have testified.  It is just going to take time and patience.

 

We are here for you when times get rough and you need reassurance.  Don't be afraid to ask about anything.  There are so many knowledgeable people here who can answer your questions.  You can do this Minujje!

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You might be having a double whammy with discontinuing Prestiq, I quit an Anti-depressant cold turkey a couple years ago so I know that can be nasty too. I know from experience that the benzo depression is really bad though I believe worse, do you have anyone with you? It's best to be distracted through this, it will pass, you need to soldier through. Keep talking to us here ok?
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Perseverance, thank you so much for what you said. It's just that I have so much wrong in my life I don't see how I can survive this and so I can not get calm at all. I am in a state of terror I think. And with no one here to speak to it is just like a torture chamber .... how long can I survive this? You are good people. I don't know what will happen to me .. but I keep praying to die. I'll never make it hiding out in this house, I'm going insane. I can't sleep, I'm terrified of my bed, the room, all rooms, this place I can't take it here anymore. I have been on the floor for four hours now. I don't know where to go. I'm in terrible trouble.
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Perseverance, thank you so much for what you said. It's just that I have so much wrong in my life I don't see how I can survive this and so I can not get calm at all. I am in a state of terror I think. And with no one here to speak to it is just like a torture chamber .... how long can I survive this? You are good people. I don't know what will happen to me .. but I keep praying to die. I'll never make it hiding out in this house, I'm going insane. I can't sleep, I'm terrified of my bed, the room, all rooms, this place I can't take it here anymore. I have been on the floor for four hours now. I don't know where to go. I'm in terrible trouble.

 

You are not alone, we are here.  Benzo withdrawal makes you think dark and negative thoughts.  It makes you feel as though the world is plotting against you and tells you you will never get better.  These are called intrusive thoughts.  But benzo withdrawal is a lier and trying to fool you into believing this.  The intrusive thoughts are a very common symptom and they will fade like all the other symptoms.

 

Don't look too far into the future at this point because from where you are at in withdrawal everything will seem too overwhelming and impossible.

 

I had horrible insomnia too.  I had to actively work on solving mine.  Some of the things I did were:

-going to bed at the same time every night whether I was tired or not and getting up at the same time each morning

 

-wearing moisture wicking night gowns for the night sweats (you can google moisture wicking sleepwear and buy them on-line)

 

-dimming all the lights and the TV and computer screens 2 hours before bedtime each night

 

-not answering the phone 2 hours before bedtime or watching anything stimulating on TV (like an action movie...just watch something mild like old movies on TCM)

 

-wearing Thermacare heating pads over my pjs on painful areas so the pain did not keep me awake

 

-listening to self hypnosis cd's while I lay in bed to help me relax (the one I use is  "Living Life! Anxiety and Stress Free: Reduce Stress through Hypnosis" by Beverly Hills Hypnosis which I bought from Amazon.com)

 

 

Many of us are/were homebound and alone.  My husband is out of town most of the time.  I just stayed on the computer surfing Benzobuddies all day, youtube, benzo information websites, etc... to distract myself and pass the time.

 

You can make it Minujje!  We are all here to help you!

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Benzo withdrawal is all about getting through the moment sometimes. I told myself many times 'if I can just get through until the tomorrow' and I'd always feel better the next day or even the next moment. I'd play computer games or something to distract myself until these times passed. You can get through this, I know you can. 4 and 5 months out was the worst for me as far as the intense fear and depression. There will be relief soon.

 

Do you do any exercise or walking?

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I really need to join my gym again, but am afraid to spend any money .... in my basement is a nautilus but the room has been ruined by a company that waterproofed years ago and I am helpless to clean it up. Everything is covered in powder. This is the story of my life. I am a victim. But the gym has yoga and a pool, steam which I know is good for me. Also, here where I live it is an oven, so I don't get out to walk my dog as I would like. And I hate the sun. I have to put sunscreen on.
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Some mild exercise would be good for you, it would help take your mind off of your symptoms, not to mention being good for you. I would walk my dog at dusk, can you do that?
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I think the heat revs up symptoms, at least it does for me, I've seen many others complain of this too. Maybe take a walk in the evening or early morning to avoid the intense heat.

 

When I was in early withdrawal I could hardly walk down my hall without feeling like I needed to keep my hand on the wall for stability, I was so out of it. I needed to exercise somehow but was afraid to walk out without holding on to something so I broke down and bought a tread mill. I worked up to about 3 miles a day on an incline, I think it saved me. The exercise helps with sleep too. When you get a good nights sleep you're able to cope with this journey a lot better. One of the biggest things that helped me through this was exercise because it helped my sleep, appetite and mind. I can't stress enough how important it is to stay as active as you can (without over-doing it).

 

You can get through this, try to keep engaged in something and let it pass, your system is trying to recover from the benzos. Your GABA receptors got used to the drug doing the work and now that the drug has been withdrawn your mind and body is trying to right itself. In the meantime, you may have some strange or dark thoughts of doom but it's only temporary, you'll never have to live this moment again.

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Hi Minujje,

 

I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. I'm kind of sad tonight myself. It really helps me to come to Benzo Buddies because there are so many caring and understanding buddies here. After I found BB I felt so relieved. When I'm anxious, being here helps take my mind off of it. When I'm sad I can come here and be lifted up. I have found comfort that there are others going through the very same thing that I am.

 

Welcome  :)

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I was on benzos for 18 years and it can be very trying after you are off. I still have lots of symptoms that are very frustrating. A lot of what you're experiencing is benzo depression that makes life so very hard to deal with. Try to hang on because going back to benzos is a terrible option. After 23 years I would think you have had enough. A lot of the posters to your thread have given you a lot of good advice that they learned from going through this frustrating time of your life. Try and hang on................BOX
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Hello Minujje,

 

Welcome. You have come to the right place for support. This is a wonderful community. I am sure I either wouldn't be here, or would have reinstated if it weren't for Benzobuddies.

 

I so feel your pain,  :'(  I have been there too with the same feelings.

Afraid of my bed, the house.... feeling like I wasn't safe in my own skin and my own house....

 

It does get better -  I promise! Tomorrow WILL be better...

:hug:

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