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anyone had a loss while on pills


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i started on val 2000 was up to 30mg by 2003,in 2004 i lost my hubby,i got a lot of remarks  oh she,s doped up 2 the eye balls ect im taking drugs which i wasnt,i admit i didnt really feel anything shock yes but i was like in a daze,now im withdrawing and seem to be a little more in control of my life,i am thinking about mark a lot and its becoming real it was 7yrs ago now seems like a week ago,ive dealt with death before so i no u go thru stages,i feel so guilty as how i feel now i didnt when he was here if that makes sence,i feel so angry,like i had a bad dream and i woke up and everything is becoming real and that goes for them who walked all over me when i was in my own little world and its all coming back to me now,if anyone can relate to this ive tried to word it as best i can i would be grateful to here from anyone,xx
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Hi Blade,

 

I moved your thread from Progress Log here to Withdrawal and Recovery Support, it looks like you need support. In the Progress Log section you can't receive responses.

 

I was originally given a benzos after my husband died, that's what started my problem. After I came off cold turkey, my world was rocked with past memories that I hadn't felt in years. I felt the grief all over again even on a deeper level. I've read this to be a common symptom in withdrawal - that our past memories that have been buried by the drug can resurface. I had many other familiar childhood memories come back as well. It's part of healing so don't be scared.

 

I found validation for this in the Ashton Manual too -

 

Intrusive memories. A fascinating symptom in patients undergoing benzodiazepine withdrawal is that they often mention the occurrence of what seem to be intrusive memories. Their minds will suddenly conjure up a vivid memory of someone they have not thought about or seen for years. Sometimes the other person's face will appear when looking in the mirror. The memory seems uncalled for and may recur, intruding on other thoughts. The interesting thing about these memories is that they often start to occur at the same time that vivid dreams appear; these may be delayed until one or more weeks after the dosage tapering has started. Since recent sleep research indicates that certain stages of sleep (REMS and SWS) are important for memory functions, it is likely that the dreams and the memories are connected. In both cases the phenomena may herald the beginning of a return in normal memory functions and, although sometimes disturbing, can be welcomed as a sign of a step towards recovery.

 

I hope this helps  :)

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I'm so glad you've written this post. Benzo withdrawal is already so lonely, and your experience puts you in an even lonelier position.

 

I hope you approach all this with an attitude of self-forgiveness. Even if you are now full of regret and not ready to forgive yourself, you will reach a point where this will happen and you will feel relief.

 

I consider benzo addiction, withdrawal and recovery to be a disease. Every step of the way, believe it or not, we were doing our level best to live each day as best we could. As I recovered, I often felt like Dorothy in Oz, or Alice in Wonderland.

 

I hope you have some support in the world around you. You deserve it.

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I also lost someone I was in love with in 2004.  We were close but not together at the time.  I was on benzos, but didn't know I was "on benzos".  It's hard for me to say how or if benzos impacted me.  I was exceptionally devestated, but so was everyone who knew him as he had a truly electric personality and his death was very sudden an unexpected.  I took it very hard and have slowly healed to where I still miss him dearly but am not in on-going pain over it like I used to be.
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I am bi and could lot hook up with anyone I have been on meds sins 1995 but benzos sins 2005 but eitherway I have been alone as long as I know :(
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Yes, I lost a parent in a suicide several years ago.   It was a slow moving train wreck that took a year.  I am realizing only now how numbed out the medication made me that I never really dealt with the pain of this loss.  Part of me wonders if I would have been strong enough to even face it on my own.  Part of me realizes that I lost a precious opportunity to come to emotional terms with such a loss.  

 

I don't know what to say other than being on this medication robs one of so much.  

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[28...]

I lost 4 friends, 2 were pregnant, was a car wreck.

Lost a Best friend, who killed herself (we think)

Lost 2 cousins, uncle, 2 aunts.

 

 

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One of the reasons I was put on Benzo's (along with an inner ear disorder and fibromylagia) was the loss of my Mom, Dad and brother within a short period of time.  Then I lost my sister during the Christmas Holiday's...this year.  I was hip deep in w/d when my sister died and didn't know how I would get to her funeral but somehow I made it.  Benzo's did NOT help me through the grief at all and I curse the day I ever put one in my mouth.  If anything, the stupid drug fueled my emotions and I too feel like I will never grieve properly.

 

Donna

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I was on klonopin when my mother died in 2008.  I quit cold turkey in October 2009 and my fiancee passed away 2 months later.  Benzos numbed me to my mother's death and alcohol numbed the aftershock of my fiancee's death.  It wasn't until over a year later when I had to quit booze that I felt the full effects of my withdrawal as well as my grief.  This has definitely been a sobering and long overdue journey.  I have certainly grown as an individual from these experiences.  I am not bitter, but more humble and less likely to take people and my health for granted.
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i started on val 2000 was up to 30mg by 2003,in 2004 i lost my hubby,i got a lot of remarks   oh she,s doped up 2 the eye balls ect im taking drugs which i wasnt,i admit i didnt really feel anything shock yes but i was like in a daze,now im withdrawing and seem to be a little more in control of my life,i am thinking about mark a lot and its becoming real it was 7yrs ago now seems like a week ago,ive dealt with death before so i no u go thru stages,i feel so guilty as how i feel now i didnt when he was here if that makes sence,i feel so angry,like i had a bad dream and i woke up and everything is becoming real and that goes for them who walked all over me when i was in my own little world and its all coming back to me now,if anyone can relate to this ive tried to word it as best i can i would be grateful to here from anyone,xx

 

I lost my grandmother while I was on Paxil and Clonazepam. Once they upped my dosage...I was numbed to the point, that I did not know who I was. My father had stroke; as he was dying in my arms...I did not react at all. In fact, my brother went to the hospital...while I sat down to watch tv. My nephew came to live with us, as did my brother once his ex kicked them both out. I went from caring uncle...to vicious bastard once the full effects of those drugs took over. I tore that kid apart...I might have even left deep emotional scars. I think he is lost because of me. My girlfriend...I mistreated her...I was cruel and malicious. Though she left me...she eventually forgave me and took me back. Nowadays...seeing this damaged piece of trash I am...she was better off without me. Eventually my grandmother died...I did not mourn her. To this day...I talk about her...but have yet to cry. Those tears will not come and I do not know why. The guilt has grown...so has the shame. She was my best friend. When I alienated everyone becauses of these drugs...she continued to believe in me. She asked that I buy the plot beside her...she wanted me to be buried beside her. These toxins took away all my good emotions and left me with those others; which became more pronounced: hatred, anger, callousness, uncaring...etc., etc. I lost the ability to love...I only knew how to hate. Though I cry today...it is more our of self pity...I have yet to show proper grief to those people I love.

 

I lost 7 years to these drugs. And you said it correctly...since c/t...it's as if my whole life is being replayed before my eyes, and it's all coming back to me now. Everything is so present...I can see all the people who abused me. I can see all those people who have hurt me, and I can see why I am who I am. I came to the conclusion that I was always depressed, and that I have been attempting to fill this empty void...that was allowed to exist by people who were simply cruel and uncaring. They were born that way...it took those drugs to make me like them, and in some small way...though I suffer today...those drugs have now opened my eyes. Sadly...I had them closed for far to long. I wanted to believe I had friends...when I had been just as alone then...as I am now.

 

cue: Celine Dion: "It's All Coming Back To Me Now"

 

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