Crushing Depression

[[Ho...]]

Good Morning - I haven't been on BB too much - trying so hard to get well but have been depressed and just not up to writing.  However today, the depression is so so bad and I just need some hope.  This really is part of the withdrawal, isn't it?  I am 10 months benzo free and did not expect to still be feeling so very bad at this time.

    I have had more windows recently and for that I am so greatful, but this depression just slams me to the ground - can't see up, only down and lose all hope....I just don't know how to keep going on like this....please let me know if anyone on here has had this black depression and that they have come out of it.

    I am taking prozac - it is not helping, but don't want to taper off of it while I am still in w/d from the Klonopin....any advice on the depression and any hope you can give me would be so very much appreciated...

Thank you all

Love Hoping2BFree

[[...]]

I had depression even though I was only on the K. for 2 months.  I never had depression in my life so I didn't know what it was until I was coming off of a K.  I didn't want to go outside, I didn't want to see people, the one thing I could manage was to see my kids... They gave me hope.

 

What helped me was to get up and walk. Even if it was a block or two, some very light exercise.  Any activity may seem useless, but its not. 

 

Think about windows you've had and hold on to them cause they will be back.

 

Blessings

 

lu

[[...]]

Good morning to you also,

 

Depression is worse than a thief who steals from us. A thief will leave us with something, depression takes everything from us.

 

When I suffered from a struggle with depression, I took a sheet of paper, drew a line down the center.  On one side I listed all the reasons why I should be depressed, on the other side I listed all the reasons why I should not be.

 

To my surprise, there were more reasons why I should not be depressed. I would look at this list everyday, and sometimes add to it. I can't explain it, but little by little, some sunshine would sneak through that black cloud that was always floating over my head.

 

I hope you can conquer this and have some joy back in your life.

 

i wish you the very best.

 

PJ

[[Ma...]]

Hoping...

 

Your signature mentions Prozac.  Are you still taking that and if so do you think it has "petered out"?

[[we...]]

hope, the a/d is thought to increase serotonin.  The bz. wd. to decrease it. staying on the a/d is a good thing.  I'm hit with depression too.

[[Pe...]]

Hoping...

 

Your signature mentions Prozac.  Are you still taking that and if so do you think it has "petered out"?

 

 

My shrink called this 'Prozac poop-out.'  That is why they experimented around with different a/ds on me.  But I think in hindsight the reason I became depressed was from benzos, and the a/ds made it worse in my case.

 

I had a w/d from Prozac that lasted a month, my weight got down to 90 lbs with that one because I had severe nausea and diarrhea.

 

Hoping-- if the depression lifts during your windows, I think it would be safe to say that it is a temporary benzo depression.  When I got severe benzo depression, I would Google 'funny jokes' or 'funny pics,' or surf youtube.com and just look for things to make me laugh or brighten my spirits.  That helped me a lot on really bad days.

 

Also, funny movies or ones that really captured my attention helped to pass the days until it lifted.  I hope these suggestions might help you, I know benzo depression can be extremely dark.

[[Ho...]]

thank you everyone for your comments.....it means alot to me.....yes I am still taking Prozac - to Maranatha - I am sure it is NOT helping me anymore but can't stop it now during withdrawal....and I don't think it is safe to switch to another right now while my CNS is so sensitive, but I don't know - I'd sure like to try something that could help me....can't watch TV or funny movies - can't focus enough to read or do TV. 

    I surely hope you are right - that if my windows are depression-free, then that is how I will be when healed - it makes sense to me, but I am just so frightenend that this is my life forever......thank you all again.

Love HOping

[Guest [CM...]]

Dear Ruth,

 

Please know that if you have no depression in a window then you won't have it when you are healed.

I would not try adding or changing anything right now. Let your brain settle and heal before you do anything to disrupt CNS... My opinion anyway... You've been thru so much and I know it's just a few more months...

 

Let's think how bad we were just a few months ago...

Remember we were afraid to shower - didn't want to shut that curtain... Now you have taken a trip and have had some long stretches of sleep...

 

I have healed so much in the last 60 days... I mean more than the whole 5 months before that...

So my hope and prayer for me (and for you), is that in 60 more days I'll be so much better....

 

Healing does happen... I didn't sleep very well last night, I feel like garbage basically. But.......

yesterday I walked from my apartment to City Hall and walked across the Brooklyn Bridge taking photos...

with all the tourists... Ive been living or working in NYC since 1997 and never did that walk...

 

Last year I was afraid to do it, i was too messed in the head that I would have jumped.. I am serious... so for me to strut across the bridge yesterday with my camera calmly taking photos - was huge!!!

I felt proud!

I had tourists asking me to take their photos - and they would ask "where are you from mate".... haha

I live about 1.5 miles away... first time walking over...

 

So even though today I feel like I drank 10 bottles of manischewitz.... i know I am healing.

You are too, I know it...

I can tell by your windows... Windows open up into healing days and weeks and months and it will end!!!

 

I promise you...

Much love Ruth.

 

PS> I know its so hard to focus on these bad days, with fear, fatigue, depression, inner vibrations, anxiety (whatever your sxs may be)... Try to take a walk - in the shade... look at some things in nature..

I found myself watching the squirrels in the park yesterday and the wild flowers and the clouds.... really being thankful...

Funny movies help, they really do and youtube does too. It seems hard at first, but its like blogging and chatting, just force the distraction and then you can focus on just that.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFN1-uqt2WA

 

Ok this makes me chuckle... this little girl is funny - of bad word - but made me laugh!!!!

Think about this for the benzo monster!!!!

 

Love you Ruth

We are all in this together... We will see each other through.

Melo

xoxoxoxo

[[Ma...]]

LOVE IT MELO...THAT BLESSES ME FOR SURE TODAY!!!!  EVERY BIT OF IT!  THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO POST YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT!

[[Ho...]]

Thanks Chris - love you too.....yes a walk in the shade - I sat on the deck a few weeks ago, got too hot (I guess it was the heat, or was it the light from the sun???) and went into a terrible wave....so it's the shade for me, although I know the sun gives us Vit D and that helps with depression - such a dilemma.....so proud of you for walking across the Brooklyn Bridge....you are so special!!!!

Love Ruth

[[Ho...]]

and I've come back and read your reply over and over in just 3 minutes....thank you Chris!!!!!! and I'm going to keep reading it......

[[...]]

This post really helped me a lot.  Taking a low dose of Well and want to stop taking it.  Feel as if it is not helping me.  I do have windows.  The depression is really tough but believe in the healing. thank you.

[[Ho...]]

Hang in there Pan - be careful not to get off the Welbutrin (that's what I've been told) too quickly, as it can interfere and make your wd from the Klonopin much worse.  I want off the Prozac so badly but am going to wait until I am healed....

[[Re...]]

Hoping

 

I wish I had words of wisdom.  You know I worry about you and I'm glad you are back here for support.

 

Chris that was an amazing post. Incredible. It makes me a little more certain that I will kick klonopins you know what. I'm proud of all of you.

 

Love

Pam

[[Ho...]]

Thanks Real Deal - I owe you a PM -

[[we...]]

Thanks for your encouragement.  I have a sore back and hand, and can only type short messages.  Sorry you have to go off your A/D,these drugs are such crap.  Keep us posted.

[Guest [CM...]]

Thank you Ruth for posting again. I think about you every day. I pray that you are feeling your healing more and more with each day. It is happening, sometimes we just don't feel it. Much love to you. Christine x

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hi buds - reading this all again for the hope.  i woke up feeling so bad this morning.  i am so weary from this.  facing a few more months of this seems so impossible to me right now.  i just cry from it. i should make a forum stream for support i guess; but can't even think  xoxo

[[we...]]

ruth, before your sleep came back, how bad was it?

 

[[Ho...]]

Hi Wellness - it was pretty bad - thought about suicide most every day....don't know where I got my strength from to keep going - just have to get through each day as best you can....I still have depression - it's always very bad on the first day of a wave and then it lessens a bit - but always feel like there is a black cloud over my head and sometimes when the depression hits, I feel like I have a band or pressure around my head.  I have had days where I couldn't get out of bed and it's not that bad now, but I know that anything can happen.  That's what stinks about this whole thing....

      The sleep helps (last night I got none - due to body jerking all night, due to exercising for two days ).....but it's still a fight....

Stay strong Wellness....just tell youself you only have to get through it for today.....and when tomorrow comes, tell youself that again....have you had any windows at all?

      Thinking of you....we will make Wellness....

Love and courage to you and lots of strength....

Hoping2BFree

[[we...]]

thanks sweety, that's where I am now.  If I don't get sleep soon, I don't know how I'll cope.