Jump to content

I am hurting the ones I love...........


Recommended Posts

Oh guys!!!!  I am so ashamed at my behavior.  I have the worse RAGE then I can handle.  I start out my day, as of lately, with morning anxiety that wakes me up, its my new alarm clock, to stomach cramps, to dry heaving as I brush my teeth.  Then I make myself do something to get out of the house.  By then, the anxiety is gone and I am "ok".  BUT THEN, out of nowhere the rage comes to play.  Out of nowhere, left field of my brain, I just dont know.  I had road rage the other day and begged and screamed for this guy to pull over because I was going to "beat his a##".  Thank God he didnt, I cant fight my way out of a paper bag.  AFTER I do this, I can only think, I am going to go to jail and not finish my taper...........

 

My poor son, he has witnessed me, throwning things in the house, running to my room to try to breathe, yelling and screaming at anything.  I cant STOP.  I then feel bad and tell myself, "ok just calm down and be gentle", and then BAM it hits me again I start this process over and over and I am hurting my son.............  It is so so bad that I cant control this anger.  My son already has a boat load of stress and now here is mom coming apart at the seams.  What do I do????????????????  I will take ANY s/x over this rage.  I am going to hurt myself, someone else or end up in jail. 

 

My personal situation with my son is not anything I expected to share, this is my personal fight but he is in the mix of things and its not fair to him.  I am a very strong person.  I have had challenges and obstacles that most people will never endure in a lifetime BUT going thru w/d's and trying to "keep it together" is not working. 

 

PURE EVIL RAGE.........Someone tell me that I am not going over the deep end................I am crying just thinking about how I am completely out of control with my emotions...............

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Rage is very common during WD. There were times where I wanted to rip someone's face off when I could hear them chewing gum. It's not fun but it doesn't last very long, at least not in my experience.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Renee,

 

I am so sorry to hear about the issues w/ rage.  As you know, I suffer from the morning cramping as well.  It's not nice at all.  Certainly not a nice way to start the day.

 

I can relate to the rage to a degree...and I know I've read/heard that rage can be a part of our healing, so I hope someone replies to this thread soon who has it to the degree in which you do.  I haven't had it as much these past few months...it hit me more when I tapered from Clonazepam and when I crossed over to Diazepam.  I would just lash out...not so much in public, but more w/ the ones I love.  And it made me feel terrible but at the same time I almost felt like they deserved it b/c of what I was going through. It was a horrible time and having to see my husband look at me time and time again saying "Settle down...really, is there a need for that?"...it annoyed me but also I knew deep down what it was and that it wasn't right.  

 

I know I worked hard on not letting the rage take over me (it was also very much towards myself)...and eventually it just seemed to literally float away.  No longer was I angry or frustrated.  So I hope this passes for you too very soon.  Although I feel frustrated lately - I think ANYONE would at some point while going through w/d.  

 

I do know that this drug "numbs" parts of our system/brain and that as we take the drug away, parts of us "come back to life"...my husband always puts this spin on it...he says "you know how a newborn baby cries w/ every sensation....pushing out gas or a bm...a sneeze or yawn...every little movement in their body feels foreign to them....that's what YOU are like right now...it's like you're a newborn learning what sensations feel like and you can't always handle it".  I think it's a great way to look at it!!!  It makes sense too!  We're coming "back to life"...emotions and all.  Lately I cry and cry and cry...like I've never cried before in my life.  Like a baby!  When I feel these waves of emotions that are SO intense, I try to think of what my husband said and to just let it out.

 

I can understand w/ rage you are more scared.  But I have yet to hear of anyone who DID hurt someone they love.  You're a great person...supportive of others here and very loving.  

 

All the best to you,

Schatje

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh guys!!!!  I am so ashamed at my behavior.  I have the worse RAGE then I can handle.  I start out my day, as of lately, with morning anxiety that wakes me up, its my new alarm clock, to stomach cramps, to dry heaving as I brush my teeth.  Then I make myself do something to get out of the house.  By then, the anxiety is gone and I am "ok".  BUT THEN, out of nowhere the rage comes to play.  Out of nowhere, left field of my brain, I just dont know.  I had road rage the other day and begged and screamed for this guy to pull over because I was going to "beat his a##".  Thank God he didnt, I cant fight my way out of a paper bag.  AFTER I do this, I can only think, I am going to go to jail and not finish my taper...........

 

My poor son, he has witnessed me, throwning things in the house, running to my room to try to breathe, yelling and screaming at anything.  I cant STOP.  I then feel bad and tell myself, "ok just calm down and be gentle", and then BAM it hits me again I start this process over and over and I am hurting my son.............  It is so so bad that I cant control this anger.  My son already has a boat load of stress and now here is mom coming apart at the seams.  What do I do????????????????   I will take ANY s/x over this rage.  I am going to hurt myself, someone else or end up in jail. 

 

My personal situation with my son is not anything I expected to share, this is my personal fight but he is in the mix of things and its not fair to him.  I am a very strong person.  I have had challenges and obstacles that most people will never endure in a lifetime BUT going thru w/d's and trying to "keep it together" is not working. 

 

PURE EVIL RAGE.........Someone tell me that I am not going over the deep end................I am crying just thinking about how I am completely out of control with my emotions...............

 

Dear Renee, I am so sorry for your pain.. I feel for you right now... I too sometimes want to say enough or throw glass pictures around, anything..  I now the RAGE AND ANGER.. I feel your sadness for you son... Please try not to  think you are doing anything wrong.. It is not you.. It is the poisen doing this... I am crying for you right now, because I know what this feels like.

 

Our emotions, trying to handle them and feeling like you want to be in control and it is hard to...... I cry also everyday and wish I could change just someting.... We have to give ourselves to god right now..We have to hope and believe there is and end to this.  I believe bb when they tell me there is...  Please believe that also..  I will hold on if you do renee I promise...

 

Sending you luv for you son. Praying for you and your son...Trying to take the rage away from you now.. It WILL GO AWAY.

I am here for you now...

Luv,

Mishi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[7b...]

The rage, excitement, adrenaline rushes, testosterone all for me come together!

 

It's like all into one to get so hyped up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel the rage at times....and want to throw things.  I do !!!  :laugh: 

I have lashed out at my neighbors, because they are so freaking noisy....and don't control their kids.  I really can't stand for them to be home, because they irritate me so much.

I threw a piece of turkey back to a waiter, because he gave me a tiny piece when I asked for more.  It angered me, so I reacted without thinking.  I laughed about it later, because I knew why I reacted that way.

Why I want to throw things, I don't know.  I guess we need to release that tension that builds from anger.  I feel better, but sometimes there is a mess to clean up.  :laugh:

Our emotions are all over the place.  I am dealing with jealousy, also....and it is miserable.

 

We will get through this !  We will !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

« on: February 27, 2011, 05:10:54 PM » Quote Modify Remove 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When i was in my kitchen last night, preparing something to eat, nothing was working out for me. I am sure that the lack of sleep was a big reason for this.

 

Out of the blue, my heart started pounding, my skin became red and flushed and in an angry rage i  started throwing things from the kitchen,  down into the basement. Frying pans, pizza pans, sauce pans, what ever i could get my hands on, ended up in the basement. This display of anger lasted about 30 seconds.

 

My dazed and confused dog, charlie, scurried into the bedroom and hid under the bed.. He has always seen me as a patient and mild-mannered person. 

 

Of all my withdrawal symptoms, this episode was the most alarming.

 

 

I copied and pasted this post from when about 3 months off the benzos.........It was a terrible feeling. After awhile I laughed my head off, because it was so stupid. Gotta hate those Benzos!

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah yes, the yelling and throwing things...totally freaked out my pets! (And my hubby!)  It got so bad for me that I had to make a rage plan so I wouldn't hurt my pets.  Me and my husband came up with it.  When I felt the rage coming on, the plan was I would go into my craft room until it passed.

 

I was unable to drive at the time, but maybe you could plan to pull over until you can get a grip if it hits while you're driving.  For me, just having a plan reduced my anxiety about it.

 

I can tell you from my own experience it lasted for about 2 months then passed...so it definitely does go away.  Maybe you could get some SOFT things to throw in the mean time, maybe tell your son he can throw the soft things with you when you are in a rage.  (Does that make it blatantly obvious I don't have kids?)  Just an idea!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Renee,

 

I'm so sorry that you have to feel that kind of anger. I've gotten it as well and I know how hard it is to control it when you're in the middle of blowing up. There's been times that I've been having a friendly conversation with my roommate one second, then the next I'll start snapping and screaming at her for one small thing she's said. The trick is trying to catch yourself before the words come out your mouth, or think about what you're going to say. If that doesn't help (believe me, I know that you get so mad you can't hold anything back), then apologizing is the next step, even if you think you're right at the time. I may be stubborn and think I'm right all the time (I'm a 22 year old male. We all think we're right, lol), but I know when I've done wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Renee, I can so relate to your post. I thought I was past the rage and today I was like somebody possessed and threw a spoon and gouged a hole in my wall.  :-[ I'm so ashamed for I never broke a thing in my life. I don't get it while driving although somebody passed me on the double line and cut me off last month and I blew the horn and gave him the finger. Oh dear, this is not me!

 

I really have to work on it and most if it is at my hubby who did do things in the past that we've never addressed but I don't want it to come out like this. I notice that your still dropping 1mg at a time. I had to lower my drops to .5mg for this very reason. I feel like I'm healing as I go, as much as I'd like to be off this horror. I hope that things will get better for you soon. I feel your pain and think most of us on the board are going through this.

 

Frannie 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just last night i told my dh off and it was not pretty....I feel so ashamed when i get this way and really dislike myself when i cant control my anger..I guess this is something we all are going threw.....Imo  we have anger towards ourself and we take it out on others which is not good....Its really hard for me right now to look within and try to work on me at this point in my recovery tho.....I am down to 4 mg Valium and taping off 1 mg every 20 days,so i am almost at the finish line and hope that when i am off all this i CAN start to heal body mind and spirit....I am wishing this for all of us!!

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ah...the rage...I have grown to hate this emotion. I seem to have absolutely no control over this intense feeling...once it washes over me. I wish I could go into a room, with the hopes that I would calm down. It didn't work for me nor did riding on my bike to tire myself out or burn the rage off. In fact, I would continue to ruminate, which would fan the fire within...making it that much more difficult to suppress, my out of control anger.

 

Thinking back, I am horrified by some of the things that have come out of my mouth, once the rage has overtaken me. I can't find the means to stop myself...nor do I truly consider what I am saying. How can I though, when I have lost all management of my senses. Once I do calm down...I am ashamed by many of those callous words. I cannot count the number of people I have hurt.  There are so many friends, family and loved ones who took the full brunt of this rage...no quarter given...no hostages taken. I can take deep breaths. I can attempt to distract myself...I can meditate and still it will remain present, and ready to strike out at the tiniest infraction. I found nothing works to gain a handle over this vile acrimony.

 

renee...I feel for you because I know of that which you talk of. I hate these full range of emotions I am forced to deal with 24/7. I don't know how to deal with them because up until now, these emotions were all walking hand in hand with me. We got along famously...there was discipline. Today...we are being struck at on all sides, with problem after problem. Then come the many sx's, life's up's and down's...along with tapering and the icing on the rotted cake....our drug influenced emotions. How can we deal with all these conflicts...which are only moments away from bowling us over. I am at my wits end because I was a peaceful quiet man...now I am a bundle of nerves, who will strike out at the smallest offence.

 

Be compassionate towards yourself and please know this is not your fault. You are dealing with so much right now...that you are inundated, and that gives this drug...supreme power over you. You are powerless to contain these emotions...but that does not define you. You are caring for your child...but at the same time...this horrible drug refuses to give up or make this simple. It does not want to lose control. It wants to continue shaming you and bringing you to your lowest...until you are on your knees with shame and guilt. Still that does not define you. You are a good person...do not believe otherwise. This is our benzo infected brain... emoting on our behalf. This is a ball and chain attached to our ankle, that cause these outburst...that fuels this rage. At this very moment...this is our cross to bear, so carry it with dignity. It's not you....it never was...it's this benzo that allows our Mr/Mrs Hyde out to play.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi

Rage is usually sigh for hidden emotions, feelings. Usually people who have problems to express their feelings, or for example if they have some problems with some person they keep their feelings inside instead to tell them. Then they think about that in their head over and over again which is very frustrating and result with anxiety and rage.

 

Marija

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks BB!!

 

I feel better just knowing that I am not alone.  I dont want any of us to suffer rage but it is reassuring to know I am not alone.....  I do need to be careful with driving because I only shared one incident with my road rage.  I had another one a week ago......  I will try my best to control these feeling.  I think I need to purchase a punching bag. 

Thx guys, we will get thru this.  Time is what we need.

Renee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi

Rage is usually sigh for hidden emotions, feelings. Usually people who have problems to express their feelings, or for example if they have some problems with some person they keep their feelings inside instead to tell them. Then they think about that in their head over and over again which is very frustrating and result with anxiety and rage.

 

Marija

 

I am not so sure about this...something does not play out like it once did...where anger is involved. I am not fond of one of my sister's, at all, for a number of reasons. I pretty much told her to her face how I feel....I was seething and that never resolved this rage thing. The outrage and fuming continues unabated...it will not subside and sometimes if goes on for days. I might rant and rave for several days. I certainly let it all out and hold nothing back. I might be angry about any number of things. There is no rhyme or reason as to when this rage will spring up and occasionally, there is no "why" either. Sometimes I am angry at myself and at other times at a number of people...circumstances...life or God. There are a number of scenarios that pop up...but there is no clear cut reason as to why, I feel this animosity or where it's coming from or who it's directed towards.

 

The only place, where this scenario holds true; it is when this ill temper is directed towards these relatives of mine, who have destroyed my family out of pettiness. Yes: there is absolutely nothing I can say to them...they are that cold hearted and anyways, it would just go over their heads. They don't care...they are always better than us. Sure, the anger festers...but what can you say to people like them, and when they brush us off completely.

 

This time it is different. I have been angry before, but it has never been this out of control. Even I am afraid when I lose it...I can only imagine what those people, who are at the receiving end, must be feeling.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I too KNOW that I would not be as cold and bitter as I am at this point.  I know I have "hidden emotions" about a lot of things that have happened in my life and it angers me but not to the point of hurting people around me.  I have a very very hard time controlling my feelings and going thru w/d's just magnifies these feelings.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I started this morning but saw some dust and grabbed my swifter, by the time I finished swifting the floors, I had a grip on myself. I hope that I will be able to continue like this as I don't like myself when I do things to hurt others. We all need some good coping skills as it's very difficult.

 

Frannie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I started this morning but saw some dust and grabbed my swifter, by the time I finished swifting the floors, I had a grip on myself.

 

Oh, this describes me so well. I can clean, clean and clean if I'm all worked up. I'll start in the kitchen, which leads to the living room, followed by my bathroom and then my bed room. I tell you, by the time I'm done I'm pooped. I think finding an outlet for our anger is very beneficial and what's more beneficial than cleaning? Lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi

Try screaming in pillow or some physical exercises or any distraction. And try not to worry cause I think that is w/d and you will not hurt anyone.

 

BENZODIAZEPINE WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS

PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

      Excitability (jumpiness, restlessness)

      Insomnia, nightmares, other sleep disturbances

      Increased anxiety, panic attacks

      Agoraphobia, social phobia

      Perceptual distortions

      Depersonalisation, derealisation

      Hallucinations, misperceptions

      Depression

      Obsessions

      Paranoid thoughts

    Rage, aggression, irritability

      Poor memory and concentration

      Intrusive memories

      Craving (rare)

Aggressive disorders are also associated with low serotonin activity (among other factors) and the appearance of anger and irritability during benzodiazepine withdrawal may involve similar mechanisms as depression. However, these symptoms usually disappear spontaneously and do not last very long.

 

I found this in The Ashton Manual so to not worry and that is w/d

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I started this morning but saw some dust and grabbed my swifter, by the time I finished swifting the floors, I had a grip on myself.

 

Oh, this describes me so well. I can clean, clean and clean if I'm all worked up. I'll start in the kitchen, which leads to the living room, followed by my bathroom and then my bed room. I tell you, by the time I'm done I'm pooped. I think finding an outlet for our anger is very beneficial and what's more beneficial than cleaning? Lol.

 

Working and trying to concentrate on dust or paying bills, etc always makes me feel better, unfortunately I don't always have the energy as I suffer from exhaustion.

 

This is a good thread as everything little thing we learn in how to cope is another tool in getting off these benzos!

 

Frannie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont think I have ever been such a busy person as I am now.  I do any and everything to just STAY BUSY.  My job for today, I am painting my back door.  Yesterday, I mopped my kitchen floor on my HANDS AND KNEES.  Last week, I painted my porch.  I reorganzied my Closets.....  Hell, I even go out and pull every weed out of my ENTIRE YARD.  I know the neighbors are thinking, why in world dont she get some week killer.  WELL, BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS. 

 

I think it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to stay as BUSY as we can.  I know there are times where I dont want to do much but if I just sit around, it cause me to "think" to much.  Distracting ourselves is a key to coping and healing thru this process.

 

Renee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dont think I have ever been such a busy person as I am now.  I do any and everything to just STAY BUSY.  My job for today, I am painting my back door.  Yesterday, I mopped my kitchen floor on my HANDS AND KNEES.  Last week, I painted my porch.  I reorganzied my Closets.....  Hell, I even go out and pull every weed out of my ENTIRE YARD.  I know the neighbors are thinking, why in world dont she get some week killer.  WELL, BECAUSE I WANT TO DO THIS.   

 

I think it is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT to stay as BUSY as we can.  I know there are times where I dont want to do much but if I just sit around, it cause me to "think" to much.  Distracting ourselves is a key to coping and healing thru this process.

 

Renee

:thumbsup:
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Renee, I know it's not funny, but I got a few chuckles out of reading these posts, I.e., throwing the piece of turkey back...lol!  But seriously, I can relate...when I feel out of control I get angry.  I too have thrown things, broken things and unfortunately said things and wish I havnt. At one point I thought I had turrets.  I went from never cursing, to sounding like an out of control truck driver.  Just yesterday, my daughter was telling our company, how she hears me cursing, sometimes to myself.  I was embarrassed and ashamed that instead of being a good role model, I am teaching her how to react in an overwhelming frustrated way.  I get angry when I have to clean up after them or when their room is a mess, if there's too much noise.  The other day I told her she was a handful, later that day, she started to cry.  I know I hurt her by saying that. I'm the handful, Im sorry things are hard for me to handle.  The list seems endless sometimes.  I pray we become slow to anger.  I wonder too when I read or watch the news, if people who go off the deep end aren't taking meds that make them soo angry.  Not that we would do that, but maybe they are on meds and instead of increasing their doses, they should be decreasing. I remember trying to explain to a doc that I told someone off, he laughed and said they probably deserved it.  They may have deserved it, but it's not the way I want to handle things and I also feel two wrongs don't make it right.  Feels good to write about this.  Thanks guys. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...