what a strange trip..from bad to worse

[[Ma...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Wow I didnt think I would get much worse. Wishful thinking I guess. In thelast 6 days I feel like I'm stuck in a twisted hunter S. Thompson movie.

I want to TRY to explain how I am feeling and maybe get some feedback from my friends here and see if anyone can relate. I am finding myself thinking something is really damaged in my brain...

 

Well last week I was in a state of rolling panic attacks..It was horrible then that let up for a few days and I was thinking "ok that was the worst wave, the acute stage should be easing up now since I am comming up on 8 weeks"  ohh hell nah, I was soooooo wrong.

 

So for the last week this is how I am feeling.  I have been getting the very very intense morning anxiety which I have had before and I am kind of used to it but it's still horrible none-the-less. My morning anx used to last until about noon, then I would start comming down and by evening be feeling pretty good. Well thats not the case anymore.  It DOESN'T ease up like that anymore.  As soon as I wake up, I am covered in sweat usually, heart is POUNDING, and the first thought when I open my eyes is "Man, another day of this S%$&!! arrhg"  so I get out of bed and my derealization is whack! I mean I seriously 100% feel like I took a weak hit of acid. I am so out of it feeling, seeing trails on moving objects, colors are "richer" or just off , familiar places like my friends houses, parents houses all physically look the same, but something just seems off about all the places I once knew. The seem sooo foreign too me now. I HATE this Sx soo bad..I walk around like I am stoned outta my mind , just sooo out of it feeling.

 

my muscles are contracting and getting stiff all over my body..it doesnt hurt or anything, just annoying. My anxiety , stays at a super high level all day. It's that physical anxiety that you can feel.

 

I am finding it very hard to follow along the simplest of TV programs now as well. I find myself just staring at the screen in a state of "DUH" half the time.

 

All through my titration which took almost a year I didnt have really any SX!  I dont get this!

 

Sorry for the vent guys..I know other people have it much worse...I just cant reallyput into words very well how I am feeling. this anxeity, DR, and feeling out of it  is just super scary right now I guess.

 

Thanks for reading

:crazy: :crazy:

[[Be...]]

Hi Mark,

I feel your pain immensely. It is real and Ii is BRUTAL, and I am not totally off the ativan yet. I am new so you would have to read my story, I am feeling your pain twice.  Hang in there you and all of us will prevail.

Belle

[[Ma...]]

Mark...I knew you were in the thick of it this past week and that's why we hadn't heard.  If it is any comfort at all (and I doubt it) I am doing all of the same psycho stuff you are...frightening is not even close to explaining how horrendous it is.  You've got another week of it under your belt.  Congratulations.  You will never have to live that week again.

 

Come back to chat!  We have missed you!

Love and God bless,

Mary

[[Ma...]]

Belle  ..thank you.  I'm glad you found us here and this site!...I will have to read your story and catch up.  are you dry cutting or titrating off the ativan?

 

 

Mary,

 

Thank you soo much for writing.  I just couldnt put this into words ya know?  I am soo very sorry you are feeling so bad to Mary. I can really relate to when I read your words the other day saying you feel like you are brain damaged.  Feeling exactly the same. Or like I'm on some perma-trip.  God, it's all so nauseating.  It's like some internal Holocaust against anything good left in my brain.  have you found anything besides distraction that helps you feel more grounded? 

 

I feel like f I just stopped fighting it and let myself go with it, maybe my anxiety wouldn't be so horrible. As silly as it sounds I just can't. I'm afraid of letting mself go. I'm afraid I will get lost and not make it back to myself if that makes sense?

 

Hugs to you both

[[Be...]]

Please don't become discouraged, Mark.  You are only a little more than a month off so all of this is totally "normal" at this stage of the game.  I believe even Prof Ashton says that complete healing can't take place until you are totally off so even a slow titration won't give you a pass as far as symptoms go.  Sorry about that, bud.

[[Ma...]]

thank you Beeper.  I guess its just self doubt.  I think it's me trying to make sense out of this process, which is impossible since its not a linear process it seems.  I'm all over the map with SX going away, comming back, getting better/worse

[[...]]

I feel like f I just stopped fighting it and let myself go with it, maybe my anxiety wouldn't be so horrible. As silly as it sounds I just can't. I'm afraid of letting myself go. I'm afraid I will get lost and not make it back to myself if that makes sense?

 

Oh, Mark, I couldn't have aid it better myself.  That is exactly how I feel.  Like I can't let down for one minute or I will disintegrate into a totally non-functioning mess.  Yet, holding on tightly like this is sheer misery.  Yes, it makes SO much sense!  L., ~~mbr

[[Ma...]]

I feel like f I just stopped fighting it and let myself go with it, maybe my anxiety wouldn't be so horrible. As silly as it sounds I just can't. I'm afraid of letting myself go. I'm afraid I will get lost and not make it back to myself if that makes sense?

 

Oh, Mark, I couldn't have aid it better myself.  That is exactly how I feel.  Like I can't let down for one minute or I will disintegrate into a totally non-functioning mess.  Yet, holding on tightly like this is sheer misery.  Yes, it makes SO much sense!   L., ~~mbr

 

Mbr,

I am soo sorry you are going through this as well, but I do find comfort in the fact that I am no where near being alone with all of this. eachtime a person tells me they can relate I do tend to feel a tad better.  Thank you

[[Ma...]]

Hi Mark

Sorry you are struggling. But I am glad you posted here and hope you feel better soon. Can't last forever. I agree what Beeper said.

I am still tapering so don't know what to expect when I finish taper. I had so bad day two days ago that I thought I am going to die. That is how my anxiety was high. What one human being can survive. You can do this and you are on the right way.

Take care

 

Marija

 

 

[[re...]]

Sorry Mark,

I am still tapering but I never even had the severity of the physical morning anxiety until recently.  It has been sticking with me all day.  I think what makes things a lot harder is that when we do have windows and they get slammed shut our s/x's seem to be worse.  But in hindsight, if I think back at the beginning of my hell I am "better" but having a whole week window to then get slammed is just heartbreaking to say the least. 

We will all survive this madness, its all in the timing.

Renee

[[Ma...]]

Hi mary and renee..thank you both for the reply.

Mary- I pray you have a soft landing when you are done tapering. You are doing a sensible taper so chances are good that you will.

renee- my window (have had one all day today) is slamming shut as I type this.  I felt REALLY good all day today. I am so thankful  for these moments of clarity. It gave me a chance to go out and get some errands done today that needed done.  But the derealization is cranking up and cutting my ties with normal vision as we speak. The anxiety, and all my other SX are comming back as quick as they left this morning.

 

It's soooo depressing after a great window.

[[Ma...]]

I could be a total whiner here Markus and say "hey at least ya got a window--I haven't yet!"...but that would be sour grapes and I'm THINKING it wouldn't help!

 

You're such a breath of fresh air here that a wave couldn't destroy!  Take care and hunker down when you can!

 

Love and God bless,

Mary

[[Ma...]]

awww thank you Mary!

 

I'm so sorry you are not getting windows yet.  I know they will come for you, I just know it!  god knows you deserve a nice Loooooong one! 

 

I'm not meaning to complain about it leaving or anything..its just depressing..

when my symptoms are raging, it really sucks, but it's almost like I get KIND of used to them...then you get that clarity in a window and forget about the sx for a day, then they come back..thats where the "awww man" thing comes in...I know that made no sense at all to normal people!! haha

 

Love ya

[[...]]

Mark...you did a very good job of describing it...so good it brought me back to last summer when I was feeling exactly the same way. 

 

I had those same symptoms...once I looked in the mirror and I didn't even recognize my own face!  WUT??  I mean, I knew it was me, because I knew I was standing directly in front of the mirror...but seriously. 

 

Also had a really fuzzy, floaty head feeling.  Hard to describe.  I thought I had done irreparable damage to my poor brain.

 

So I wanted to post to let you and anyone else feeling this way know that our brains somehow pull through and recover.  Do whatever you can to pass the time until then.

[[Ma...]]

L123...I haven't recognized my face for several months now...nor my daughter's.  I am currently earning a Ph.D. in DP/DR.  Hopefully Mark is only getting an Associate's!!!!

[[...]]

Maranatha:

 

Anyone who has to endure benzo withdrawal deserves an honorary degree from the school of hard knocks. 

 

I never worked harder for anything in my life!

 

 

 

[[Ma...]]

L123...I haven't recognized my face for several months now...nor my daughter's.  I am currently earning a Ph.D. in DP/DR.  Hopefully Mark is only getting an Associate's!!!!

 

Man the DP has gotta SUUUCK...Thankfully I haven't experienced DP, that I know of (knock on wood)...  just really really really bad DR.

[[Ma...]]

Those of you that suffer with Derealization. Does your DR get worse in different lighting conditions?  For example, mine goes off the charts if I am outside during sunset. The change in lighting makes everything look HORRIBLY evil and disturbing.  Also fluorescent lighting makes mine a lot worse as well. Anyone else?

[[Ma...]]

YEP, YEP, YEP...so "normal" for DR.  Did I mention to you that I was helped/encouraged by Shaun O'Connor's e-book and MP3 downloads about DP/DR?  I found him on Youtube (I think his channel is called "dpmanual").  Totally explained it and put it in perspective.  You may want to look into it.  He is Irish so it is cool to listen to his MP3s and listen to them in a loop.

 

Love ya!

Mary