Intrusive thoughts? They are crushing me.

[[Co...]]

I think just actually understood my constant disturbing thoughts of accidentally losing control and hurting someone or something, of writing or saying something that would be very disturbing to someone simply by typing the words and sending the text or saying it out loud before I can stop myself. That may make little sense but I am at a very scary point in my life right now where this is happening a lot and I don’t know what to do. So many things also make me so angry so quickly and stay with me through the next day. The careless comment from someone in AA, or the perceived lack of concern from a family member over a personal struggle. I don’t where else to get this out and hopefully get someone’s insight into it. It is ruining my life, along with the anxiety, depression, and general malaise. I am at 5 mgs of Valium from 30mgs taper a little over a year. Also just stopped Remeron about a month ago after taking that for over a year. My sleep is terrible and I am sitting in my bathrobe, needing to be at a retirement home to play the piano in 30 minutes. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. 

[[st...]]

 

Congratulations on your taper! At 5 mgs I was feeling exactly the same. Distracting really helped with those thoughts. Telling them to get lost also worked for me.

The worst was being afraid of myself. I remembered one thing though that I said to a friend when he asked me: do you know anyone better than you? I replied: No I don't. Before this crazy grueling withdrawal, I really was the best person I knew: sweet, smart, strong, would give you the shirt off my back.

So it was the benzos, they were talking, not me. It had totally nothing to do with me!!!! Their effects were vile but I decided that reality is whatever I say it is.  I was going to get off and get on with my life and so I did. I wish You the best!

 

Edited September 5 by [st...]

[[Co...]]

Thank you so much! Thus is very helpful. 

[[Co...]]

I pulled it off at the retirement center and got to an AA meeting but thought I might have to walk out, as my heart felt like it was beating just below the skin and my nausea was intense, also overwhelmed by all the people and trying to focus on what was shared. I am at home now and am going to get into the bed. I hope to get some sleep tonight without any bad nightmares. If anyone else can relate to the intrusive thought thing I welcome your input. My AA sponsor doesn’t quite get it but he means well. I know I am a good person at heart and that is the main reason why it is so challenging to deal with the crazy ideas that keep floating around in my head. 

Edited September 6 by [Co...]

[[Bu...]]

Hey @[Co...],

I think I get what you mean.  I would have the weirdest "solutions" to problems just pop in my head.  Things I would never normally do, but I was afraid I might, and they were disturbing sometimes.  And they just ran through randomly. 

I remember looking at the pile of dirty dishes sitting in the sink and the thought popped in that I could just break them all and throw them away.  That is one of my more benign ones.  I won't go into detail with some of the others, but some of them were downright terrifying.  But I did get better.  I rarely have those kinds of thoughts anymore and when they occasionally pop in now, they are pretty mild.

Congrats, by the way, on getting through your obligations at the retirement center and your meeting.  I know how difficult it is to do, well, anything during this!   And playing the piano at a retirement center...you seem like an awfully nice person to me.  I hope you sleep well tonight. 

[[Ca...]]

14 hours ago, [[C...] said:

I think just actually understood my constant disturbing thoughts of accidentally losing control and hurting someone or something, of writing or saying something that would be very disturbing to someone simply by typing the words and sending the text or saying it out loud before I can stop myself. That may make little sense but I am at a very scary point in my life right now where this is happening a lot and I don’t know what to do. So many things also make me so angry so quickly and stay with me through the next day. The careless comment from someone in AA, or the perceived lack of concern from a family member over a personal struggle. I don’t where else to get this out and hopefully get someone’s insight into it. It is ruining my life, along with the anxiety, depression, and general malaise. I am at 5 mgs of Valium from 30mgs taper a little over a year. Also just stopped Remeron about a month ago after taking that for over a year. My sleep is terrible and I am sitting in my bathrobe, needing to be at a retirement home to play the piano in 30 minutes. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. 

Yes, I get what you are trying to say. I've worried about those same types of things - losing control, hurting someone. There are things that set me off that I can't afford to see or hear. Could be on TV where I've got to switch the channel in a hurry. I know ppl can be callous about it and I hate it but it doesn't matter what they think. The Benzo ordeal can leave you hyper-sensitive to stress so I avoid it if possible. So sorry it's going so rough and I know how rough. But it's all quite familiar. You are doing the best you can under your prevailing awareness. 

[[Co...]]

Thanks so much everyone for the ongoing support. It is helping me cope and not think of myself as a deranged lunatic. 

[[ve...]]

It happened to me as well.  They're the most frightening the first time we experience them because we don't what's going on.  Getting rid of them by brute force also fails.

Once we learn to detach from them we can break the cycle.  Then they gradually disappear. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ironic_process_theory

[[an...]]

Going through the exact same. I always feel like I’m gonna act on the disgusting, weird intrusive thoughts. They’re constant. Distraction seldomly helps. Telling them to go away makes them come back even worse but trying to do it anyways. I’m in tolerance so I hope they diminish in time. How are you now? I hope better. 

[[Co...]]

Unfortunately I am worse. I made the decision to seek out inpatient care as just doing the simplest of tasks, i.e; getting groceries, taking a shower, putting clean sheets on my bed, etc., was becoming too much to handle. I had a bit of a breakdown this past Monday when attempting to pack up from my weekend visit with my Mom and go to an AA meeting we’re simply too much. I have done it so many times even though it was so difficult but this time I just broke into tears and told my Mom I was not well at all. After calling everyone in my medical support team, I was instructed to take twice my Gabapentin dosage that night, 600mgs instead of 300mgs, and it would put me to sleep, and was probably the cause of my intense fatigue. That did not happen, and I woke up two hours later in terror. It would appear the Gabapentin has turned on me and is exacerbating the anxiety. That is when I began the search for inpatient care, which was unsuccessful, as the only decent facility did not deem my meds to be beyond a “therapeutic” dose, so my insurance would not cover detox, and their mental health assessment was not covered either, and was $25,000 for 7 days. I went home Wednesday from Mom’s house, went to an AA meeting, and prepared myself to play for her 89th birthday at the retirement home on Thursday. She is not a resident but wanted to come and hear me for her birthday. It was so hard but I did it, only to come home and pretty much stay in the bed. I just had to cancel going to a party the celebrate my niece’s boyfriends surprise marriage proposal that is happening this afternoon. I woke up at 4am and could not go back to sleep, plagued by the intrusive shaming and fearful thoughts again. I am so sad about all of this. My life has gotten so small from what it used to be.