Did Not Expect To Be Here At 4 Months Out!!!!

[[fi...]]

Hello Buddies. Well I am 100 days out from my last dose. I know it was unrealistic to think that I would heal overnight. I had a 30 day window after only 14 days off of my last dose. Then around day 45 the symptoms started gradually coming back until I swear I feel like I am right back in full withdrawal with some of the symptoms being worse than ever. This has been a 2 month wave and I feel so drained. I am a firefighter and I have been trying to hang on to my career and my life for the past 4 years. I dont know why but this past week has been the most difficult week and the past 2 days have been off the charts with the intrusive thinking to the point I feel I am going insane. I think part of it is due to the fact that my career has suffered to the point that I have used every avenue to make it thus far in my career and now I have no time left to even take a day if I need it. Ive been in the military, on the battlefield, in the fire service for 12 years and survived all that for a little green pill to kick my ass....ironic...

[[sw...]]

I am sorry you are having a rough time, right now.  As far as work goes, have you looked into FMLA?  As a fire fighter of 4 years you almost definitely qualify for it, and it would give you up to three months off for your condition.  Further, if where you work offers sick leave pool (paid sick leave for a serious medical condition) you may well qualify for that, as well.  Hopefully that would help take some stress off of you.

[[St...]]

Rest assured firefly you're not going insane, it's the drug. At 4 months out I was a mess too, it finally passed and I know it will for you too. It's all signs of healing, you're well on your way, hang on.     

[[fi...]]

Actually I have been a firefighter for twelve years. A near death experience at work 4 years ago is what landed me the Klonopin nightmate. Yes we have FMLA but unfortunately last August I was in an accident and burned up my sick leave and my FMLA and you are only entitled to 12 weeks of FMLA per calendar year so I would not be eligable for FMLA again until almost the first of the year. As far as sick bank leave goes the city I worked for changed all that this past year. You have to have a certain amount saved before you can enter and Ive used what little I have had to get through the taper and bad days. Besides when your doctor doesnt believe in protracted withdrawal how do you get him to sign off on the FMLA paperwork? I appreciate your reply and ideas and hopefully I will make it through the rest of this without running into to many bad days I need off.

[[sw...]]

Actually I have been a firefighter for twelve years. A near death experience at work 4 years ago is what landed me the Klonopin nightmate. Yes we have FMLA but unfortunately last August I was in an accident and burned up my sick leave and my FMLA and you are only entitled to 12 weeks of FMLA per calendar year so I would not be eligable for FMLA again until almost the first of the year. As far as sick bank leave goes the city I worked for changed all that this past year. You have to have a certain amount saved before you can enter and Ive used what little I have had to get through the taper and bad days. Besides when your doctor doesnt believe in protracted withdrawal how do you get him to sign off on the FMLA paperwork? I appreciate your reply and ideas and hopefully I will make it through the rest of this without running into to many bad days I need off.

 

I have good news- FMLA is 3 months per year *per condition*!!  I should know because I've used it for a thyroid condition and the benzo withdrawal.  Admittedly, it wasn't in the same year, but it looked like it might come to that so I asked all about it and was assured that it was possible if it came to it.  Please talk to your HR person, because I am fairly sure that you're entitled to this sick leave and they might even have some other ideas to help you out.  I really hope that this is something that might work out for you.

 

[[fi...]]

Thanks for the encouragement   It just that my job does not come with a delete button. I can pretty much handle what happens to me its just that other peoples lives depend on my judgement and ability to do my job and when your feeling this way brushing your teeth is difficult lol...Just worries me....

[[fi...]]

Thats true it is for each occurence. The issue remains with the doctors. Both of my doctors call what I have situational anxiety and both of them deny the fact that 4 months out that there is no way that I can still be in withdrawal and that my issues now are the underlying condition of anxiety that I was originally diagnosed with and that I need to go back on the medication and with me telling both of them "Hell No" they definetly are not on my side with this whole withdrawal issue.

[[sw...]]

Thanks for the encouragement   It just that my job does not come with a delete button. I can pretty much handle what happens to me its just that other peoples lives depend on my judgement and ability to do my job and when your feeling this way brushing your teeth is difficult lol...Just worries me....

 

Right, which is why it's probably better if you're not going to work in a life or death situation (possibly even your own life!) while you're so impaired.  

 

I really hope that you'll speak to HR about taking FMLA for this condition.  I've got to tell you, while I don't have a life or death job, I'm really mortified to think of myself and the job I was doing at work the last few months before I took leave- let's just say I was not doing either myself or my employer any favors by dragging myself in in that condition and sick leave was the best possible thing I could have done for us both.

 

[[ar...]]

I know just how you feel.  I have been having more symptoms and feel like I am back to square one in my withdrawal.  I also started a new job in January and stopped clonazepam in February and got very sick two weeks later.  I haven't worked there long enough to accrue any vacation or sick time.  I've been lucky that they have let me work from home if I need to,, but the guilt of not being able to fullfill my responsibilities is sometimes overwhelming. I just wish there was a way to figure out how long this is going to last.  My patience has run out and there are times I'm not sure if I can make it one more day.  I do but it is difficult.  Unfortunately in your line of work, you don't have the option of working from home.  I wish you lots of luck and hope you get a huge window very soon. Hang in there!

[[sw...]]

Thats true it is for each occurence. The issue remains with the doctors. Both of my doctors call what I have situational anxiety and both of them deny the fact that 4 months out that there is no way that I can still be in withdrawal and that my issues now are the underlying condition of anxiety that I was originally diagnosed with and that I need to go back on the medication and with me telling both of them "Hell No" they definetly are not on my side with this whole withdrawal issue.

 

Sounds like you need what I got.  I just called every single addiction psychiatrist in my area and explained my situation as "I'm most of the way of clonazepam and can handle getting the rest of the way off on my own, I just need someone to sign off on the paperwork for my job".  Now, I must have gone through about 10 before I got to the magic one, but the receptionist just said "ok, that will be no problem at all".

 

I think that if you're very straightforward about what's going on and what you need, though you may get turned down by a number of docs, *they're* not the ones you want to be dealing with!  If you explain exactly what you need, the doctors will sort themselves out for you and the one who can do what you need will step forward.

 

Also, I think that if you google it, there is some sort of benzo savvy doctor registry (no garantee they aren't quacks, but it's a start).  Also, maybe things like yelp.com can give you an idea who you're dealing with if you want to look into any of them.

 

That said, if it really comes down to it, have you considered going to FMLA for an "anxiety" diagnosis if you can't get a withdrawal one?

[[fi...]]

Thanks for the encouragement   It just that my job does not come with a delete button. I can pretty much handle what happens to me its just that other peoples lives depend on my judgement and ability to do my job and when your feeling this way brushing your teeth is difficult lol...Just worries me....

 

Right, which is why it's probably better if you're not going to work in a life or death situation (possibly even your own life!) while you're so impaired.  

 

I really hope that you'll speak to HR about taking FMLA for this condition.  I've got to tell you, while I don't have a life or death job, I'm really mortified to think of myself and the job I was doing at work the last few months before I took leave- let's just say I was not doing either myself or my employer any favors by dragging myself in in that condition and sick leave was the best possible thing I could have done for us both.

 

 

Oh I definetly agree I just feel like I keep hitting dead end walls. The city doesnt mind doing its due diligence at this point it is in the hands of the doctors who have to fill out the right paperwork and they wont consent. I just left the doctors office earlier this afternoon. The end of the converstion was that he was limited in what he could do and was not going to fill out FMLA Paperwork for "Situational Anxiety" especially when I was refusing treatment (taking the medication again)....lol...... What a joke. I have even spoken to the city manager impressing upon him that the reason that I was in this situation was because I risked my life on the scene of a call and almost lost my life in the process and thats what lead me to the doctor to start with and to the Kolonpin and to this withdrawal. But they dont understand this drug any better than the doctors do. They here withdrawal and automatically assume that I am an addict or this is my fault and they wont grant me a leave of abscense. I know I sound like a whiny little jr high kid who just got turned down for the prom. Well I made it through the tapering while working and made it through the past four months, hopefully I can make it through this. Thanks

[[fi...]]

Thats true it is for each occurence. The issue remains with the doctors. Both of my doctors call what I have situational anxiety and both of them deny the fact that 4 months out that there is no way that I can still be in withdrawal and that my issues now are the underlying condition of anxiety that I was originally diagnosed with and that I need to go back on the medication and with me telling both of them "Hell No" they definetly are not on my side with this whole withdrawal issue.

 

Sounds like you need what I got.  I just called every single addiction psychiatrist in my area and explained my situation as "I'm most of the way of clonazepam and can handle getting the rest of the way off on my own, I just need someone to sign off on the paperwork for my job".  Now, I must have gone through about 10 before I got to the magic one, but the receptionist just said "ok, that will be no problem at all".

 

I think that if you're very straightforward about what's going on and what you need, though you may get turned down by a number of docs, *they're* not the ones you want to be dealing with!  If you explain exactly what you need, the doctors will sort themselves out for you and the one who can do what you need will step forward.

 

Also, I think that if you google it, there is some sort of benzo savvy doctor registry (no garantee they aren't quacks, but it's a start).  Also, maybe things like yelp.com can give you an idea who you're dealing with if you want to look into any of them.

 

That said, if it really comes down to it, have you considered going to FMLA for an "anxiety" diagnosis if you can't get a withdrawal one?

 

Again the problem is the FMLA Paperwork has to be signed by the doctors and again I could try and go for the anxiety diagnosis and Im sure if it was bad enough they would sign off on it but I would probably have to find another doctor. There is no way that either my GP or Pshycatrist is going to sign off on the FMLA paperwork for anxiety when I am refusing the treatment for Anxiety. I know I am sounding negative to all of your ideas and I do not mean to in anyway. Its just that at this point I have tried the Chief, the city manager, my doctors, and have gotten no where and my next step is to try a different doctor but by the time I find one that navigates this problem I might be out of the woods.

 

Maybe things will be alright I am just freaking a little bit that I am flying blind for the first time with no way to take time if I need it and the past week as been pure hell. I barely made it through my last day at work. Again thank you all for caring and taking the time to reply with your ideas.