Lost some hope

[[Sh...]]

Catto and country mouse xx 

catto you are not being a downer. U are just vocalizing the pain we all feel.

country mouse welcome to BB and you are right out brains are healing and it takes time. 
 

to you both I will say this, I have actually written a success story. I was almost there enough to claim it. I felt the healing and you will too. I don’t know why it takes longer for some than others but it does. I have been setback by huge emotional stress. I lost my bother in law who unfortunately had multiple children by different women and no will. Some of the mothers are trying to get their hands on all his money and I have been trying to stop that from happening and make sure it’s an even split for all the kids. The only reason I’m getting involved it’s my hubby is disabled and his mum is not all there now, so there’s no one else. I sometimes wonder if my heart stuff is broken heart syndrome, due to seeing the absolute worst of humanity in this mess. It has broken my heart. I also get rage issues when something upsets me and my heart starts thumping erratically and my stress response system is extremely overactive. I think my nervous system was still completely offline and these stressful things just obliterated it. I don’t know. But I sure wish I didn’t get involved in the mess coz I sure haven’t been thanked and it’s cost me more than it should have from just trying to get people to do the right thing. 
so what I’m saying is healing is real I experienced it, I’m just in the hole from stress. Please never give up the fight. I won’t be. But we are allowed to lose hope from time to time. We are allowed to speak it. This is why we need each other because of times like these we can come together an acknowledge how hard it is. 

[[Sh...]]

I’m still sleeping ok but last night I got woken up by the Palps again. Felt like a fish flopping around. God give me strength. Still taking 1/2 unisom. 

[[ka...]]

I believe in broken heart syndrome. 

[[Co...]]

I believe that no matter how bad it gets, I can choose to pause before I react to any situation. Viktor Frankl makes this very clear in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”. I have had to become acutely aware of just how much stress I can handle and only take high percentage shots emotionally and in life in general wherever possible. If I want to snap at someone, or even engage in gossip or any form of negativity, I pause and decide if I am willing to or even capable of withstanding the duration of the emotional hangover it will create. It helped me survive the grocery/ pharmacy trip, even after I forgot my wallet after finally summoning the courage to drive there. I encountered a wonderful woman cashier at the Whole Foods, and was able to have uplifting conversation that would have been impossible if I had created a tense situation with other shoppers, or simply chosen to skip the grocery altogether. Yes, it sucked a lot going through it, but now I am in bed in the guest bedroom at my Mom’s, ready to watch a little Netflix, and then join her at church tomorrow. I just try to do the next right thing, however small, and survive one more day. I also reached out to two good friends with the phone that weighs a hundred pounds on the way to my Mom’s. Each choice has to be a building block toward a small goal, and somehow, I get through. I hope this helps someone. 

[[Ca...]]

9 hours ago, [[C...] said:

Catto and others, your shared pain is not a downer in that others, like myself, can identify and not feel as alone. I too was a professional jazz pianist for many years, am 62, and lost my business and 20 year marriage to a combination of bad meds/doctors, which ultimately led me back to alcohol after 15 years of sobriety. The depression was overwhelming and I just wanted to feel better.  I now have a year and 4 months clean and sober, and am down to 5.5 mgs of Valium from 30 mgs. I am also tapering Seroquel and Gabapentin, and normal,life chores seem genuinely impossible. Right now I am way behind on getting groceries and need to pick a refill of Gabapentin and try to find something to make for dinner for my 88 year old Mom and stepdad, who I visit regularly and cook for on Saturday night. It is 2:15pm here, and I just got managed to crawl out of the bed, and eat the last piece of leftover Mexican, put in a load of laundry, and have a cup of coffee brewed, which will give me a tiny boost to hopefully get to the grocery and back, shower, and make it to my Mom’s by 4:30pm. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect of all of this but cannot let my Mom down. I have been bawling crying since I got out of bed at the sight of my wrecked house and life in general, so just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The fact that we are experiencing this means our brains are healing. We must trust the process and be as brave as we can in the meantime. I struggle immensely with anger/resentment toward the doctors whose irresponsible behavior put me in this place where I don’t recognize my life at all, but try to also own my portion. I miss my wife and our dogs so much every day, but trust I will be able to care for a dog of my own some day. Just hold on as best as you can, and each day that ends with us above ground goes in the win column.  

Appreciated. I'm so glad you could relate to something I was talking about, as negative as it might be. I too shed a few tears, more like a river at times. But I did most of it myself. My Rx was Clonazepam 3mg /day and I'd run out, go down to TJ and get another Rx so I'd be at 6~8mg /day and OD'd on Nembutal, after which, I did a 30-day rapid-detox. Has been a nightmare.

So good you got sober again. That's hardcore, lot of people don't make it. Glad I didn't get into alcohol. My brother went back to it after being released from prison, took his own life after extreme anxiety/depression. My cousin too, and his sister to fentanyl. I got addicted to opioids myself after several surgeries. The only thing that ever lifted me out of depression. I'm hooked on Gabapentin and Effexor, probably never get off. I've been in MH facilities 4 times from the depression and grief from losing my family to my last 2 cats in 2015. Could not recover, OD'd in 2016. My wife found me unconscious, much to my chagrin. Yet here I am a survivor. Not small potatoes! BB has pulled me back quite a few times, bless y'all.

[[Ca...]]

9 hours ago, [[k...] said:

I believe in broken heart syndrome. 

Thank You 🙏 

[[Ca...]]

8 hours ago, [[C...] said:

I believe that no matter how bad it gets, I can choose to pause before I react to any situation. Viktor Frankl makes this very clear in his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”. I have had to become acutely aware of just how much stress I can handle and only take high percentage shots emotionally and in life in general wherever possible. If I want to snap at someone, or even engage in gossip or any form of negativity, I pause and decide if I am willing to or even capable of withstanding the duration of the emotional hangover it will create. It helped me survive the grocery/ pharmacy trip, even after I forgot my wallet after finally summoning the courage to drive there. I encountered a wonderful woman cashier at the Whole Foods, and was able to have uplifting conversation that would have been impossible if I had created a tense situation with other shoppers, or simply chosen to skip the grocery altogether. Yes, it sucked a lot going through it, but now I am in bed in the guest bedroom at my Mom’s, ready to watch a little Netflix, and then join her at church tomorrow. I just try to do the next right thing, however small, and survive one more day. I also reached out to two good friends with the phone that weighs a hundred pounds on the way to my Mom’s. Each choice has to be a building block toward a small goal, and somehow, I get through. I hope this helps someone. 

Our decisions are made subconsciously and based on our level of awareness. Everyone's awareness is limited to some extent and all make mistakes. It's really only whether we forgive for what we've perceived they have done, that see their innocence. That's when we transcend our limits awareness, or so it seems. I've much to learn in this regard.

[[Co...]]

1 hour ago, [[C...] said:

Our decisions are made subconsciously and based on our level of awareness. Everyone's awareness is limited to some extent and all make mistakes. It's really only whether we forgive for what we've perceived they have done, that see their innocence. That's when we transcend our limits awareness, or so it seems. I've much to learn in this regard.

I understand that much of what happens in my mind is subconscious, and beyond my control, but feel strongly that I must take as much responsibility for my behavior as I can, for what I actually do, and my conscious decision to be open hearted to those around me who are suffering in their own way too. It helps to keep me from being prey to a victim mentality which simply adds to the cycle of suffering that I am in. I am simply offering my own experience in this arena should it be helpful to anyone, and have no interest in esoteric arguments that are far beyond the scope of this forum. A “boots on the ground” approach is the only one that works for me when I am struggling to tie my shoes. 

[[Ca...]]

On 16/06/2024 at 05:48, [[C...] said:

I understand that much of what happens in my mind is subconscious, and beyond my control, but feel strongly that I must take as much responsibility for my behavior as I can, for what I actually do, and my conscious decision to be open hearted to those around me who are suffering in their own way too. It helps to keep me from being prey to a victim mentality which simply adds to the cycle of suffering that I am in. I am simply offering my own experience in this arena should it be helpful to anyone, and have no interest in esoteric arguments that are far beyond the scope of this forum. A “boots on the ground” approach is the only one that works for me when I am struggling to tie my shoes. 

Understood -

Edited June 24 by [Ca...]
Simplify, lose the personal terms

[[Ca...]]

On 16/06/2024 at 22:31, [[C...] said:

Understood -

So it's coming up on 8 yrs from a 30-day rapid-detox off Klonopin, 6~8mg/day. I must say, it's been a humbling experience. That's my attitude now from a sort of arrogant mindset. Perhaps I needed to be cut down to size, lose control, I don't know. I can only speak from experience. I regret the bridges I burned along way but I cannot go back, change things. I did this to myself, blame no one else. I've needed to look in the mirror and be honest, face reality as it is. I did the best I could under the circumstances as I try to reassure others of. I am a survivor - no more, no less.

Edited June 24 by [Ca...]
Update ref

[[La...]]

Shay how’d you sleep last night? Any improvement? Thinking of you sweetheart!