Would you reinstate after tapering and being off if "rescue doses" triggered severe withdrawl with real life altering symptoms you never had before?

[[...]]

Imagine you were doing great, like you woke up from a coma after slowly tapering the benzo and being off for a few months. Physicall energy like you couldnt remember while on the drug, back pain gone once off, creativity for writing and doing music again and a spark in your eyes, an awareness and love for situations and people around you that you couldnt believe how numb and reckless you were before during all those years, you want to do things again, your rage and biterness is gone, it was the benzo and you woke up. 

Then you still had anxiety some days and a doom feeling that you think will stick around. You're not respecting the process even though you are on several withdrawl support groups that assure you its normal and it will pass in time. You think you have nothing to lose if you try a small benzo dose to see if it helps some. It does but it just numbs you and you only notice it now that you're awake and alive. Weeks later you do the same several times as if tou were searching for a different feeling.

The day after one of those doses you woke up feeling completly different like a switch was off in the brain, and tinnitus. You knew something was very wrong but better to ignore it and see if it would go away, it could be your period. You feel paralized in your feet like you dont have an intentionality towards every simple action like turning left or right, like your brain is in shock and you dont have a connection to things in life. You feel something paralyzed behind the eyes that makes you stare at things stacticly and its unbearable to stay like that unable to move but you also dont have an intentionality, so you have to force the simple actions. When you do it the mental and physical distress increases, you get more dizzy and want to escape yourself but cant. The days go by and things get worse with restlessness and cervical muscles contractions. Every time you close your eyes you start to sleep and that sensation behind the eyes concerns you very much. That lack of intentionality turns into no connection to a self you once were before this and life in general, like its all from another world, but different from a depersonalized feeling. You cant look at things that were part of your life, cant even talk to friends. By this time you could still force yourself to walk outside the house despite this. The shock was there but you could still wash some dishes and look at the window. You cant do nothing rather than stand on your feet all day like a statue unable to move much from there, you feel like you have a lobomy but worse because you cant be in bed if not sleeping. One day you notice you lost all muscles overnight in all the body incluinding face, you been very desperate trying to find answers on the online groups. You thought this was all caused by a single AD dose you also took that day of the benzo dose. After all, the previous benzo doses didnt cause aparent issues, and this numbing empty head feeling seems to be what people on the AD damage groups describe.

So, 2 months after the first fatal dose and out of desperation, you took the chance and took another benzo dose. It had a calming effect for many hours, you could do the little things more easily but the lobomy feeling increased and your eyes look like drunk and very red. Then at night when you were trying to sleep more disturbing symptoms came and you couldnt sleep. You were terried and finally knew it the benzo was the culprit. Before this new onset of damage the previous one was a walk in the park. 

Days went by and your face changed structures and shapes like you aged 15 years. Your mouth looks like having no teeth, check bones gone, sloppy skin, new wrinkles every day. Your legs are like sticks very rigid, swallen with varicose veins exploding, blood pooling. When you walk you do it very slowly and marching, legs trown in the air and you cant control it. Every time you touch the ground its like your opening the floor and you cant stand it, you have to sit. Feet changed position and heels are damaged from the long standing and muscle stiffness. You cant move your head as the tension caused painfull injury with inflamation and strain to the trapezius and neck going on for months and worse. A step you take and it hurts more. Cant get it checked and cant take any med. Tried a single magnesium capsule and it all got worse. You developed a big hunchback from the muscle and tissues damage, your whole body is deformed and you dont recognize yourself. You're ashamed and wont let anyone see you if you happen to get "normal" again.

Mentally the shock increased and no way you cant go outside or look at the window. Simple actions around the house are torture like throwing yourself to lions but you force it because you really want to do it but your CNS controls you now, not the other way around. You have very sick OCD looping and worrying since this happened. If you talk or cry or have some more strong emotion your body attacks you with more severity of symptoms including the mental ones, which means that if you cry or talk your system will respond not with comfort or relief but with even more distress that you cant stand it and want to end it, but cant stop crying/talking because you are feeling things and cannot stop expressing. You have tinnitus 24/7 as well as the boaty dizziness.

SInce this this you've lost your job and couldnt be by yourself. You're living with your mom that provides everything for you since you cant to nothing. She is old and you're ending with what's left of her health. You're going crazy every day unable to control it, you cant accept the level of destruction you did to yourself with already irreversible damage and think of reinstating every minute but scared of a much worse outcome. You cant even look at the pill box but wonder if this extreme fear is the injury itself manifesting or if its a rational fear given what happened with the doses. Could more severe stuff happen before the next dose? Would the consistêncy of the drug in the blood stream avoid those possible effects? You cant stop asking.

Its been 6 months since the first dose that triggered kindling and you know you cant go on like this risking to destroy even more, but dont know what's the wise move.

You cant accept that there are no solutions and you were perfecly healthy before this. You cant accept what you did because theres no way out, because many issues dont revert. 

Would you risk it if you cant go on? 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

Edited June 5 by [...]

[[Be...]]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will admit I’m not very educated or experienced with withdrawal so take my advice with a grain of salt. But the goal is to stay alive. If you feel so low that the only thing keeping you here is an occasional pill, then I would take it personally. But if you can go on and fight through the symptoms, I would try my hardest to do that. I know neither choice is any easy one to make 

[[...]]

8 hours ago, [[B...] said:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I will admit I’m not very educated or experienced with withdrawal so take my advice with a grain of salt. But the goal is to stay alive. If you feel so low that the only thing keeping you here is an occasional pill, then I would take it personally. But if you can go on and fight through the symptoms, I would try my hardest to do that. I know neither choice is any easy one to make 

So you wouldnt be scared of much worse withdrawl effects after each dose? 

[[En...]]

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18 minutes ago, [[E...] said:

Then if I was a danger to myself I would seek help at the hospital. At least they can keep you safe until you are out of this phase of thinking. 

You dont have irreversible damage you will heal. I have learned acceptance of what it is I am feeling. Anxiety and depression is a very difficult symptom but it is just that a symptom. It will go away and get better. Your benzo brain is telling you that you are not fixable. That is a lie. 

For example, my neck and trapezius got injuried from muscle contraction this caused, something is fractured in there, cant move head or take a step as it hurts more. Swallen and feels inflamed with damaged tendons and other tissues, any movement attempt and all the bones crack and pop. Its getting worse as the months pass and cant get it checked or take any med as everything makes it all worse including topical creams, heat, ice, touch.  Also damaged heels pad fat due to the prolonged standing. Its irreversible as the pad fat wont grow back, its explained on Google.

Thanks for your input 

 

[[Pi...]]

I don’t think it was a big deal when I took rescue doses.  They were tiny amounts and spaced months apart.  
I’m not telling you to take a rescue dose.  I’m just telling you how it affected me.

Edited June 5 by [Pi...]

[[Ms...]]

[[Be...]]

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1 hour ago, [[B...] said:

I would be terrified. But I would want to live. I have been where you are (SI) for other reasons. And I just wanted to live another day. I understand how complicated this is and how hard the choice is. I agree with another comment, go to a hospital and get some help before you hurt yourself. It’s NOT worth it. If I would have done it when I planned to years ago, I would have missed so much happiness and wonderful experiences. It’s hard to imagine those things when you’re at your lowest, but they do still exist and you can still experience it. 

Thanks for your input 

[[fa...]]

[[Id...]]

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17 minutes ago, [[f...] said:

Is there any other med like an antidepressant that could be adding to this?

I wish, it would be much less harmful than a benzo 

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9 minutes ago, [[I...] said:

I am truly sorry about it. Nobody deserves it and still here we are. I do believe you if it matters. I also understand the symptoms you are describing. And I am sorry you are going through it.

 I do have a couple of things that comes to my mind but I’m afraid that it can sound “all rainbows and sunshine” kind of things and without knowing you I am afraid to be too superficial. 

Thank you very much for your thoughful words and kindness. It would indeed make me even worse to hear about those things. I cant even watch YouTube videos and stuff like that such as deep breathing, etc as normal benzo damaged people do, as i did before this happened. Its all from another world and dont belong there anymore, different from DPDR, a whole new level of hiperexcitabilty. Even typing here and reading is a shock but i cant help reaching out 

[[fa...]]

[[fa...]]

[[fa...]]

I took a supplement when I was doing better and it threw me into the hells of withdrawl.  So I do believe even a small dose could do that. 

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6 minutes ago, [[f...] said:

Idk. Www.survivingantidepressants.org has some pretty awful stories.  They aren't much different from the stories here. 

True, but since Gaba rules every system in the body it may have more life altering effects 

[[Id...]]

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5 minutes ago, [[f...] said:

Lexapro is really what hit me hard. I also loss the fat pads in my feet. That came back.  My muscles/joints were so loose I could barely stand. I felt so heavy. That still comes and goes.  I also do with muscle contraction in the same area. Have you tried myofacial massage?

I'm glad it recovered for you. 

Any kind of massage or touch or move or intervention makes it all worse, it just shows the level of CNS damage. Months ago i went to an osteopath out of desperation, little that i know it would damage it all more, not only the neck and whole body but even mentally as it touches all the nervous system. It increased all body stiffness and i believe it caused some bone and tissues problems, i believe i"m still dealing with the effects of that session. Neck became much worse after that as well as tinnitus, feet position and back more deformed 

[[fa...]]

[[fa...]]

[[ba...]]

The drug is responsible for how are you are feeling. It caused this cascade from hell. Having such an extreme reaction by doing some one offs, how can you trust it? It has wrecked you. It was obviously toxic. Knowing what a few one offs have done, why in  goddesssess name would you go backon it? I was in your shoes once. I was Cted off xanax after a year, and went through hell. 3 years later, I took some one offs, and it started to come back. My doctor prescribed AD's, which I had ab adverse reaction to. He put me on the same benzo I had been CTed off of to help me acclimate. After 2 weeks, i stopped the AD. But now, I was back in full blown dependency.

I kept taking it. The second go round, it never gave me relief. I have spent the last several YEARS tapering off it, and it is agony.

In hindsight, if I had just let myself CT out of the new dependence, I would be over it by now. And, I would not be suffering the horrors of tapering a drug.

The only thing the drug  does is keep you on it. 

your decision, I repect what you do. 

However, I want to warn you that reinstating often does not go well. As I said, look at what the one offs did to you. Why would you think that reinstating would cause anything other than more anguish?

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1 hour ago, [[I...] said:

If I might you are being really harsh with yourself:

I can’t watch those either… and it’s normal, you are, as I am, in a fight/flight/freeze kind of situation… “forcing” your mind to be calm for me doesn’t work and makes things worse. 
 

About your initial question I know that this is easier to be said than done but I wouldn’t. If you re read your post seems really evident that taking more did you a terrible service. I imagine you are in a state that wants solutions to survive and rightfully you ask questions, but from your words having more is the opposite of the solution 

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I got prescribed really everything under the sun and all made things worse.

You still express yourself really well, it’s a good sign. 
 

I understand you are feeling guilty someone has to provide for you, but still this is a chance… you can try to use that kind of help that can make all the difference to wait for better times and, if it makes you feel better, pay it forward if she will need it, but probably just giving a chance to feel better will be enough for someone that loves you.

As someone told you there’s a bit, or a lot of grief to process about what you are not anymore at the moment. It was absolutely shocking for me to lose the perfect version of myself that I was, but at the same time provided a good insight about it just being a version…

Thanks for your input. I"m afraid my mother could pass before i get better (if i ever will) because i'm killing her slowly, and then i'll have no option but to go too. She thinks i should just reinstate even though i'm always explaining to her how risky it is. She's desperate as well, of course 

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5 minutes ago, [[b...] said:

The drug is responsible for how are you are feeling. It caused this cascade from hell. Having such an extreme reaction by doing some one offs, how can you trust it? It has wrecked you. It was obviously toxic. Knowing what a few one offs have done, why in  goddesssess name would you go backon it? I was in your shoes once. I was Cted off xanax after a year, and went through hell. 3 years later, I took some one offs, and it started to come back. My doctor prescribed AD's, which I had ab adverse reaction to. He put me on the same benzo I had been CTed off of to help me acclimate. After 2 weeks, i stopped the AD. But now, I was back in full blown dependency.

I kept taking it. The second go round, it never gave me relief. I have spent the last several YEARS tapering off it, and it is agony.

In hindsight, if I had just let myself CT out of the new dependence, I would be over it by now. And, I would not be suffering the horrors of tapering a drug.

The only thing the drug  does is keep you on it. 

your decision, I repect what you do. 

However, I want to warn you that reinstating often does not go well. As I said, look at what the one offs did to you. Why would you think that reinstating would cause anything other than more anguish?

I keep holding to that calming effect it had for many hours, because what caused the kindling was the "wearing off" from it. Of course i damaged my brain reintroduncing the drug but likely even more by withdrawing from it as i"m dealing with that now. I'm aware reinstating could not even work based on my experience but i'm afraid i'm damaging my system more with what i did and keep doing. Just wanted to chose the least of both harms knowing the damage is already done. It could get even worse, of course, and i cant even look at the pills, let alone taking it, but canto stop thinking about what would be the rational thing to do, really crazy OCD looping looking for the final answer. I wouldnt think about it if i was functional, but i cant do anything and thinking about just saving a little bit of my life. I appreciate your answer and even more your questions. I know this is all so non sense and need people to think with me about what happened as i dont trust my judgment anymore, feel i'm on the Twilight zone 

[[ba...]]

Will support you no matter what you decide, whatever may come. I  didn't want to sound harsh, but give you my experience with what your thinking about doing.