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[Le...]

I find myself very unable to deal with what I went through and want some input on whether it is normal for a CT or if I was more traumatized than others. I really have a hard time believing it is even possible and want to know if others went through the same and are ok. 

 

To create a sort of scale compared to normal life experiences I have been in many bad situations before. Even choked out and left for dead once. 

That was nothing compared to that what I experienced in WD. I was Cted from clonazepam and quickly got very ill. That lead to a CT from 45mg duloxetine. At about the 3 week mark every moment was a huge amount worse that anything I had experienced in life. Trying to survive an attempt on my life doesnt compare. I was in some cycle of about 20 seconds or so where everything tensed,  my senses started to fade, and then come back to pain. pain from anything that touched me,  the slightest noise. strong light. just pain and terror. I lost control of all bodily functions. could hardly walk. I had lost almost 80lb before i could keep food in me again. i could go on forever. my wife drove me everywhere and noone told us what was happening. 

at about the year mark i would say the terror was below attempted murder and on about a 1 hr clock. 

2yr i was functional but really cant decide if the experience or damage is what affects me now. 

Did you survive this too?  Can you cope fine now?  

I am taking a BB break soon and really want to know if forgetting is possible. 

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[Le...]

figured. the simultaneous WDs likely affected me a lot. 

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[It...]
Posted (edited)

Over the last 4.5 years in this community I have interacted with, read stories and personally experienced some absolutely insane things that I never thought possible, especially for those of us who CT'd. 

 

If you talk to someone like Jennifer Leigh, or Angie Peacock who both experienced protracted WD from CT and were horrendously injured, you'd see that you're not alone in all that you've been through. Jenn even had to use a walker for a period of time because she lost her ability to walk properly on top of all of the other symptoms. 

What I can tell you is that it does get better, it gets so much better. As the days, weeks, months and years pass the trauma gets easier, the memory of how horrendous things once were even starts to fade. The fears decrease drastically and recently for me have even completely resolved in some aspects that would have sent me into an tailspin even just 1 year ago. 

I cope with things now that at one point I never thought I could possibly cope with again. I know it seems impossible and neverending but time really is the healer, and you will get there. I don't think for any of us the trauma will ever completely disappear, BUT it does become nothing more then background noise with time. You will get there, just keep pushing forward. 

Edited by [It...]
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[Le...]

thanks. it is improving. very difficult to know how much is physical effects of drugs and how much is from having lived through that. My judgement and behaviour is very off and unstable at times. It is difficult to trust myself to get back to life when even I can see, always a few hours later, how extreme my reactions are at times. 

cya

 

 

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[Cr...]

Lee, were you put on clonazepam and duloxetine as a result of trauma of almost losing your life?

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[Le...]

no. i have survived many things like that over the years. i dont want to write my whole life story but i was on call working about 80hrs per week. had an extremely depressed wife crying and breaking down every time I can home. then my dad was killed. brother got in a car wreck and broke his back. sister started to have a hard time with cancer. mothers heart failed but i am not sure if that was before or after drugs. I had no time to do anything but try to drug myself and deal with all that mess. When i write it even it seems like some country song or extreme exaggeration. like everything possible went wrong or something. oh NVM my dog didnt die so not a country song. 

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[Cr...]
Posted (edited)
22 minutes ago, [[L...] said:

no. i have survived many things like that over the years. i dont want to write my whole life story but i was on call working about 80hrs per week. had an extremely depressed wife crying and breaking down every time I can home. then my dad was killed. brother got in a car wreck and broke his back. sister started to have a hard time with cancer. mothers heart failed but i am not sure if that was before or after drugs. I had no time to do anything but try to drug myself and deal with all that mess. When i write it even it seems like some country song or extreme exaggeration. like everything possible went wrong or something. oh NVM my dog didnt die so not a country song. 

Ok. Reason I asked is because if you experience a traumatic even and are immediately put on an AD and benzos, you may find that you never properly processed that event. Any subsequent events may also be not as impactful at the time they occur.

Then when you finally withdrawal from the medications you will find a lot of bad memories from the past deeply affecting you even more strongly than the time they actually occurred.

I lost my mother, fiance, and my only two childhood dogs(had since I was 12) all within 18 months (2008 to 2009). I was on klonopin at the time and self-medicating with alcohol. While the losses still cut deep and I cried, I felt far more affected when I was in withdrawal and med free from 2011 to 2012.

So yes, it is normal to feel unable to cope well. The withdrawal process is horrible enough, but to have to have our life's worst moments and regrets replayed in our minds like a repeating slideshow can feel torturous.

Edited by [Cr...]
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[Le...]
Posted (edited)

I deal with all that stuff fine now and more. Well as fine as possible. I am not smiling about it. Honestly once I had finally stopped working for a bit I was fine. The drugs came before that and I think just made it harder for me. Then I gave up on them and decided to go back to work. CT and misery for years. I could never seem to figure out what was going on and was diagnosed with GAD and put back on. 

to clarify i cted and was told was gad. went back on and got very sick for years then cted again. one short ct i did myself in there too. 

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[Le...]
3 hours ago, [[C...] said:

Ok. Reason I asked is because if you experience a traumatic even and are immediately put on an AD and benzos, you may find that you never properly processed that event. Any subsequent events may also be not as impactful at the time they occur.

Then when you finally withdrawal from the medications you will find a lot of bad memories from the past deeply affecting you even more strongly than the time they actually occurred.

I lost my mother, fiance, and my only two childhood dogs(had since I was 12) all within 18 months (2008 to 2009). I was on klonopin at the time and self-medicating with alcohol. While the losses still cut deep and I cried, I felt far more affected when I was in withdrawal and med free from 2011 to 2012.

So yes, it is normal to feel unable to cope well. The withdrawal process is horrible enough, but to have to have our life's worst moments and regrets replayed in our minds like a repeating slideshow can feel torturous.

you coping fine without drugs now?

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[Le...]

Ttfn BB. going to continue my journey elsewhere.  I got lots here before I got disillusioned a bit. I found someone to help through WD locally. 

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