Sometimes I really don't know

[[tr...]]

So I am startled awake this morning by palpitations, thumping away like a runaway choo choo train. I lay in bed trying not to get to worked up...but I almost slipped a few times. I remember that the more you panic, the worse things will get and the harder it will be to function for a few days. So I start going into meditation mode, and do whatever I can to just hold on. Don't get frightened...don't get scared or else the sx will be unbearable. It took a while but I finally managed to get things under control and thankfully I fell back to troubled sleep.

 

So I wake up again. Something feels off...I think it was depersonalization. I was going to the bathroom but I felt out of it...everything looked sureal and there was a sense of everything being bright...hazy and shifting, like walking through a cloud. The walk felt like it was unbelievably long, the bathroom incredibly large, sitting down felt robot like...slow, and then walking back this long path...back to nightmarish sleep I go.

 

So I wake up, now it is almost noon. I realize I have an appointment. I rush downstairs to make a call; that I will be leaving the house in 20 minutes. I apologize that I am going to be late and the person on the other end starts laughing; today is Tuesday...I think you're confused, it's tomorrow...I won't have to see you until Wednesday. I turn on the tv, completely confused and as I search for a date...nothing...panic sets in...then, sure enough I have the date all wrong.

 

Now I sit down for a while, feeling exasperated. I try to draw but no such luck...I throw the pencil across the room. Then the ruminations start...how I need a job...but wait, I am not well I can't work...to finally, why the hell should I go back to work...haven't I suffered enough with all those crappy jobs I've had. Then the anger...I walk out of the room and my mood turns dark. The minute my sister walks into the room...I am ready to blow a fuse. She is the only one who can cause this reaction in me. So I walk away...get dressed in attire fit for bike riding. Rush off into the sun and the thoughts won't stop...ranging from work...then thinking about my girlfriend's words last night, before hanging up on me. She is getting fed up with these moods, she is tired that she can't get through to me, and how uncaring, joyless, and cold I seem to be. She is tired of the fact that I just don't sit down and do things that I say I want to do. Pick up a pencil and draw...so I told her how my psychiatrist was inferring that this might all be psychosomatic...so you believe him she says. I said I might as well. So he is right and if so then why aren't I..why not pick up a pencil and draw. I told her I don't know how anymore...she says then she doesn't know what more she can say...slam.  My mind just won't stop churning out things today. I get to my spot...where I go to think, and I start crying; it won't let up. Why me...what did I do...when does this stop...just end this now God. Please just take me away from this hell you've placed me in. I am guilty...I have sinned...I confess to it all...it's all my fault - so now just end it. I repeat this over and over as I cry. I go into a trance as I can no longer catch my breath...slowly I go back into meditation mode and my mind is quiet. The tears have stopped. The creek gurgles, plops, and babbles...the sunshine is caught in its ripples. Silence.

 

I am home now...having dinner but my head aches...inside there is a pounding and confusion persists. I consider why my girlfriend hasn't called and then all I can think about is breaking this relationship off...she deserves better than this constant repitition and heartache. My head feels dull and so I literally smack myself...hoping to knock the ache away. I look at my parents...but they seem distant to me. I tell them my head hurts...my father looks quietly on, my mother tries to be sympathetic. In walks my sister and I just turn away...I just shut up. I go sit in the yard to read a book; to find a bit of peace...silence again.

 

Now I am sitting here again on my laptop...asking God to please end this. To take me away. I've had enough of this constant confusion and not being able to find who I am...what I want...where I want to go. Then my thoughts go back to my girlfriend...

 

Does this truly ever end?

[[Be...]]

It has for everyone who stayed off. The girlfriend situation sounds very similar to my own. I felt like my girlfriend became a baby sitter, and that was impossible for me to accept. Whatever you do, do it in a moment of clarity. You might hurt her, and this is really hard to deal with. I felt like such an vile person for months over this. Idk man.

 

At least your parents want to help. You have people who care, including us, so this automatically means you have to stay! I'm sad that you are suffering like this Travuz. Some days are unbearable.. I know all too well...

[[JJ...]]

You describe the abyss of suffering very well...one hopeful thing is that after you cried, you felt your mind become 'quiet'...i have always felt better after crying/screaming/begging God to help me or to just end my suffering.  you are doing great, I think...I remember when it was a struggle to make it through each day. it isn't like that anymore. I have over 8 months off and I am definitely not 100% yet, but I am getting there...yes, I do believe that it does end.  You just gotta get through this, now, any way you can. personally, i was not able to work either during the whole taper and post taper time.  but that's beginning to change...change does come, it just comes slowly. hang in there 

[[...]]

i completely relate to all you are experiencing;  this has been really tough but i can honestly say that the days are getting better.  the help on here is great - i can always come here when i am scard or alone.  we can do this; we are doing this and i just keep thinking how thankful i will be to just have normalcy again.  i am sorry for your hurting;  it's terrible; beyond belief.  good work on your great taper!  you're almost off phew

[[tr...]]

Thank you for your reply

 

Ben zolo

 

I don't think she is my baby sitter per se...like everyone else here who has support...she is "incapable" of understanding what we are going through, and most often, this madness is far more than they can take. Try as I might...I can't seem to get across all those emotions I am going through nor can I explain...express how depression obliterates my mind. I think in her own way, she is trying her best, but unfortunately depression takes no prisoners; it contradicts...it abuses...it strips away ever facet of our persona. There are so many random emotions running rampant...I am never the same person I was...every other day. Now coupled with Clonazepam...I am a walking gestalt of dark emotions. Then there are the dark moods and the constant complaints...it is a psychotic symphony...and the sane people in our lives...they have no way of coping...they cannot hold on...even though they do care. If we can barely make it through...imagine the people in our lives...trying to basically understand, who we will be on any given day.

 

I do have my parents and am thankful for that...but my girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time...we have been through a lot together and we have always stood by each other. This time it's different because it is on another level...it is a monster that threatens to bring everyone down...along with me. I just don't want her to be the latest victim of Clonazepam...like she was while I was on Paxil. I have lost enough to these drugs...I just want this destruction to stop.

 

JJKale

 

I am trying to get through this. Like I said...we are on automatic pilot as far as survival goes. There is something in all of us...that wants to survive this hell, we have been put in. It is indescribable how much damage this pill continues to wreak.

 

I am happy to hear that you are better. I hope you achieve freedom from all this mayhem.

 

panther4242

 

We can do this...but there are those days where I think it will be impossible. There are days were my legs feel leaden and I just don't know if I can take another step. I keep pushing...I keep getting up each time I fall...I keep listening to those ideation...I keep hearing how I don't belong. I have yet to see a day...where peace and happiness embrace me, and I can feel whole or alive. We will get better but I took this pill for that exact reason...now I am fighting to stay alive. How ironic is that?

 

I am afraid that one day I will fall and I will not be able to get up...nor will there be anyone around to lift me up. That frightens me most.

[[...]]

Hi travuz,

 

After reading, with great interest, your postings. I see in you the potential of becoming a well known and respected author.

 

Share your gift with others and let them be inspired. Use your God given ability and become that person 

you were meant to be.

 

I hope the dark clouds swirling around you will move aside and let some sunshine enter your life.