Obsessive Thoughts

[[Ho...]]

This is a very uncomfortable topic for me, but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this while taking Klonopin or during wd.

 

I had this obsession very bad for about a whole year a while ago... it wasn't anything involving losing touch with reality, actually quite the contrary... it was me so afraid of going in insane for some reason, that I couldn't stop being obsessed with religion. My mind was trying desperately to find some "answer" but I don't even know what answer it was looking for, all I know is it was looking for it in religion.  It would just keep going round and round in circles. This really, really tormented me.  Of course, I never found my "answer." All of this is why I don't dare turn back to God or religion during this time... Klonopin wd scared me away from it!!

 

I've had other torturous obsessions too. One that was very similar and just as bad was this fear of going insane (it's linked to the one I just explained above, I guess). It was like for some reason, I deep down knew that I was going to go insane, and my mind went crazy searching for answers on how to prevent it.  

 

I still have these obsessions a little bit but it's not constant now and it's better. This leads me to think it was an intense obsession caused by the benzo? They have to be... they were SO STRONG!

 

 

 

[[Be...]]

Yes. I think that is the benzos ultimate way of causing you to question everything. Questioning your career, relationships, etc can be uncomfortable, but questioning the very nature of life/reality is the worst in terms of anxiety provoking! I too am steering clear of religion, philosophy, etc, for the time being. I mean no offense to those of religious sensibilities, but the only thing I need to believe in is myself. Jmho.

 

I've also had the fear of going insane. Now that I am, it isn't so bad

[[tr...]]

I go through this on a daily basis. There are days where I hate God and blame Him for all that has befallen me and my family. There are days where I want Him to end my misery and there are those the days where I ask for forgiveness. I go through everything you can think of...but I think God can take whatever I throw at Him. If he is so benevolent...as I believe He is...then He sees a child who is in despair and He knows that those words...come from pain, fear, and anger.

 

I think it's only natural to turn to religion or God when we are in so much pain...it is for those who believe...as natural as the air that we breathe. I am a Catholic follower...this tapering continues to test my faith; but as soon as I say that I give up on God...the next day I will pray for whatever help He might give. I think sometimes you have to see it this way...you got this far is it by diving intervention or by human tenacity to survive.

 

I continue to feel like I am going insane...today is certainly a testament to that. I could not find the off switch to my brain. Once again those thoughts were chaotic. But a funny thing happened on m my bike ride home...I made a turn towards a thick patch of trees. I was completely despondent by now because of rampant surges of thoughts. I caught something from the corner of my eye...I stopped and turned around. There in the thickets was a lone deer. I stared at her and she stared back...we just looked at each other. No it was not a sign from God, as much as I wish it were. But my thoughts quieted down completely. I looked at her for a few minutes and she did not run. I smiled at her beauty and with all those ideations running wild...I found a moment where life should be cherished. I found a minute of happiness. Some kids rounded the corner and though I shhhhed them...she ran deeper into the bush. She made my day. But soon after the ideations began again. Nothing lasts forever...everything is momentary. Maybe...who knows...this insane brain of mine saw God's hand in all this. He gave me a miniute of peace.  

[[mi...]]

I found just the opposite. I have been a born again Christian for 5 years now. At first I wondered why God would let me go through this terrible torture. I wondered what I did. It took a lot of praying, reading the Bible and my mother in law talking to me to make me understand that sometimes the Lord lets these things happen to teach us and bring us closer to Him. Once I truly believed that God is my only strength and the only one who can really heal me and I put my full trust into Him only, amazingly I started to feel better within that month and have been doing good ever since. Jesus is my savior and I do not fear anything because of my strong faith. Benzo's don't scare me, nor does the thought of tapering them. It is written that God wants us to have a joyful and abundent life. I had to ask Him to help me through this rough time. So far He has done a beautiful job and I praise Him every day for this with thanks in prayer.

[[fi...]]

I believe we all have this to some sort of degree with the thoughts of going insane and questioning our particular faiths. I am glad that you all were able to keep your faith through all of this but for me its quite different. My experience on the battlefield in the military, my experience as a firefighter for the last 12 years, and my experience with klonopin has lead me to questions God's purpose. My ultimate conclusion is that he either does not exist or he does exist and he just does not care. In no way do I mean to offend any of you who have turned to God or believe in God or find comfort in him. Its just hard to believe with what I have seen and experienced in the way of pain, hurt, suffering, death, and so on that if he does exist, how he could let such things happen.....

[[Be...]]

Firefly,

 

I share a similar viewpoint. I have seem some pretty gruesome/heartbreaking things. Probably nothing on the scale of what you've witnessed, but it has still led me to question. I too am glad others can find solace in their faith. I honestly wish I could believe, but I can't deny the doubt in my heart.

 

 

[[mi...]]

FireFly265, I do understand how you feel. At one time I felt the same way about why God lets things happen. One day I was told that the reason the world is the way it is, is because of when man first sinned in the Garden of Eden. Recently when I was complaining about this withdrawal and why if I am a born again Christian should I have to suffer like this. I was then reminded of what Jesus went through on the cross for our sins. I was also reminded that it is written that God will test the believers and put them through trials. This withdrawal horror did bring me closer to the Lord and I thank Him for it. It is only going to last a short time compared to my eternity. Right now I believe the Lord has spared me from the worse parts of withdrawal because I asked in prayer and believed He would heal me as He promises in His word. Not to preach or anything. This is just my experience. We all have a choice..

[[Ho...]]

I appreciate everyone's input but I wasn't really looking to discuss religion (since as I said, it upsets me), if anyone else can relate to these intense obsessions in general I'd love to hear it. I'd really love it if there were a way to stop these thoughts or at least make them not as scary.   Or I wish I could know when they usually disappear??

[[Be...]]

Sorry Holly I think the original thread title "religous obsessions?" might have thrown people off a little. Did you have intense obsessions pre benzo? If not, then I think just accepting them is the best you can do. I have heard this from many anxiety specialists- YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE CONTROL. I also hope someone who has made the benzo free trek can let us know when these obsessive thoughts stop?

 

I made it 2 1/2 years off the first time, but I can't recall when things leveled out. This last benzo free period lasted about 6 months until I reinstated. I recall doing a lot better mentally around as early as 3 months off.

[[fi...]]

Sorry Holly 

[[xe...]]

They have been the predominant obsession of my current wave. I am obsessed I almost definitely have a few diseases I almost definitely do not have. I have had religious obsessions despite the fact that I'm NOT religious. All sorts of things.

 

It's almost like I'm at war with my own mind. The second I think, ahh, ok, it's let up, my conscious brain (not unconscious), chimes in with reviving them seemingly just for fun, like it's taunting me...

 

I have no idea how to deal with it but to try and distract to something else and just wait for it to let up. Obviously even thinking about how it's not as bad when it lets up just brings it back for me.

[[Ho...]]

They have been the predominant obsession of my current wave. I am obsessed I almost definitely have a few diseases I almost definitely do not have. I have had religious obsessions despite the fact that I'm NOT religious. All sorts of things.

 

It's almost like I'm at war with my own mind. The second I think, ahh, ok, it's let up, my conscious brain (not unconscious), chimes in with reviving them seemingly just for fun, like it's taunting me...

 

I have no idea how to deal with it but to try and distract to something else and just wait for it to let up. Obviously even thinking about how it's not as bad when it lets up just brings it back for me.

Yep, I have had the hypochondria obsessions big time too. It was made all the worse by all the things K was doing to my body, and no one gave me an explanation for it for over 2 years.  So I really thought I was dying. I'm sure doctors got so sick of me and always wrote it off as "major anxiety" or some crap like that.

And come to think of it... I definitely didn't have these obsessions, religious or otherwise, before I started Klonopin. They did, however, start almost immediately after I was on the drug. So that's 2 1/2 years I've struggled with them. I guess two things are making it better for me: knowing I'm not alone and that it's caused by the Klonopin, and the fact that I'm slowly healing now.

[Guest [Ma...]]

Intrusive thoughts/OCD

Sounds like Scrupulosity to me.  I am sure once your life settles down this will pass.

 

Take care,

M

 

http://www.ncpamd.com/scrup.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/ocd-center/scrupulosity-religious-obsessions-and-compulsions/menu-id-60/

[[Ho...]]

Intrusive thoughts/OCD

Sounds like Scrupulosity to me.  I am sure once your life settles down this will pass.

 

Take care,

M

 

http://www.ncpamd.com/scrup.htm

http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/ocd-center/scrupulosity-religious-obsessions-and-compulsions/menu-id-60/

This sounds exactly like it... i've never heard of that before.  thank you

[Guest [Ma...]]

You are going to be just fine, Holly.  Hang in there and know that you will feel like yourself as time goes on.

 

Peace be with you,

M

[[Kc...]]

Hi Hollyms...I was so glad to have stubled across this thread. I have had the exact same problem, and it's something that troubles me deeply because I am not religious in the slightest. I have tried, and tried again to stay away from any discusions about religion because I get so worked up when I hear of it, it triggers my brain into this obsessive circle all over again, but this time it's different because you're thread is about how it's an obsessive false belief, which I have had on many occasions since I became sick. I never much thought about it in the past, I know for fact that I am not religious, and have strong views against it (sorry to offend) but when these thoughts started circling obsessively in my head I was very botherd because they clashed so greatly with what I actually think about the world. my journey through benzo hell included pshycosis, where reality completely disappeared, I was hallucinating, hearing things, paranoid, and extremely delusional. During my delusional phase, one of my biggest delusions was that of god, and it has always deeply troubled me because I know I do not hold these beliefs to be true. It drives me crazy because it's like how do you believe something yet not believe it all at the same time. I've come to terms with this now so it doesn't bother me much any more, when these obsessive thoughts get triggered, always by an outside source before they spin for hours, I realize that I am being delusional, to me that's all it is, when these religious thoughts pop up, then I know to watch my thoughts because I am delusional. Thinking of it this way has helped me, religious people in my family and that I know do not like this way of dealing with it, but I have no other option. If they pop up, or I for some reason start to think that god is here, then I know to check that off as delusion, and know it's a symptom that I struggle with, and basically just watch it go by. For me religious thought = delusional thinking, and I pay close attention to the flaws in my thinking when they occur. My family is deeply religious so I have to constantly remind myself of the social conditioning that I have endured, and remember that it's only natural in our society to have these thoughts come up in bad times because so many have tried to force them for so long, who wouldn't want a free ticket out of hell just for believing in a concept, but for me this is not an honest way to make myself feel even if temporary, some relief. I have to be diligent, and aware of all paranoid, delusional, or obsessive thinking or I am at risk of loosing touch with reality once again. Thanks again for starting this thread because it's hard to talk to people about it without insulting someone, but this has been a very troublesome and secretive symptom for me, and I feel better for having aired in just now, knowing that I'm not the only person with this symptom helps me more then you might know... Thank you Hollyms, I have had such a hard time explaining this symptom to people because I fear so much of insulting people, but this symptoms has tortured me so much because I never talk about it, and this thread made me feel safe.

[[Ho...]]

Hi Hollyms...I was so glad to have stubled across this thread. I have had the exact same problem, and it's something that troubles me deeply because I am not religious in the slightest. I have tried, and tried again to stay away from any discusions about religion because I get so worked up when I hear of it, it triggers my brain into this obsessive circle all over again, but this time it's different because you're thread is about how it's an obsessive false belief, which I have had on many occasions since I became sick. I never much thought about it in the past, I know for fact that I am not religious, and have strong views against it (sorry to offend) but when these thoughts started circling obsessively in my head I was very botherd because they clashed so greatly with what I actually think about the world. my journey through benzo hell included pshycosis, where reality completely disappeared, I was hallucinating, hearing things, paranoid, and extremely delusional. During my delusional phase, one of my biggest delusions was that of god, and it has always deeply troubled me because I know I do not hold these beliefs to be true. It drives me crazy because it's like how do you believe something yet not believe it all at the same time. I've come to terms with this now so it doesn't bother me much any more, when these obsessive thoughts get triggered, always by an outside source before they spin for hours, I realize that I am being delusional, to me that's all it is, when these religious thoughts pop up, then I know to watch my thoughts because I am delusional. Thinking of it this way has helped me, religious people in my family and that I know do not like this way of dealing with it, but I have no other option. If they pop up, or I for some reason start to think that god is here, then I know to check that off as delusion, and know it's a symptom that I struggle with, and basically just watch it go by. For me religious thought = delusional thinking, and I pay close attention to the flaws in my thinking when they occur. My family is deeply religious so I have to constantly remind myself of the social conditioning that I have endured, and remember that it's only natural in our society to have these thoughts come up in bad times because so many have tried to force them for so long, who wouldn't want a free ticket out of hell just for believing in a concept, but for me this is not an honest way to make myself feel even if temporary, some relief. I have to be diligent, and aware of all paranoid, delusional, or obsessive thinking or I am at risk of loosing touch with reality once again. Thanks again for starting this thread because it's hard to talk to people about it without insulting someone, but this has been a very troublesome and secretive symptom for me, and I feel better for having aired in just now, knowing that I'm not the only person with this symptom helps me more then you might know... Thank you Hollyms, I have had such a hard time explaining this symptom to people because I fear so much of insulting people, but this symptoms has tortured me so much because I never talk about it, and this thread made me feel safe.

I am so glad it helped you! I am only now, at 8 weeks free, starting to get a glimps of a "clear mind" and realizing how far I've fallen into this trap of obsessive thoughts. It's terrifying, because I can now see thoughts that I've been having that were NOT my own thoughts. They were all completely obsessive, anxious thoughts caused by the benzo. It's overwhelming, but the truth is... it feels like almost NONE of my thoughts my entire time on benzos (or many other psych drugs) were my own. I'm still in shock, because they are so deceptive! I could not tell what was me and what was not... that is really scary!

 

I know we will continue getting better... as for the religious subject, I have to stay away from it as much as possible right now. That and the subject of mental illness. Actually mental illness is probably more loaded for my brain at this moment, but at one time it was the other way around. I am confronted with these two subjects and my mind becomes paralyzed with fear. 

[[mi...]]

I stay away from religion too. I am also not a religious person. I am simply a born again, Bible believing Christian.

[[No...]]

Holly

 

Imagine if you were able to have a few hours with withdrawal not affecting you at all, to understand if is was really benzo or just you going insane.

 

I tried that before the start of my taper. Here is the explanation.

 

Before starting my taper I sometimes (like most people) used to go to a club drinking with friends. The next morning when everybody was hungover and felt like crap, I was doing great, with much energy, doing work around the house, listening to music, just feeling perfect. That usually lasted until around 4-5 pm. I started to get confused. and within a few hours I felt a dramatic drop i self esteem, and began to question everything, feeling anxious with strange thoughts roaming in my head. This would last for 2 -3 days, and then suddenly the feeling was lifted, and my mind became clear again. (as clear as you can be in tolerance). What I did not understand then, was that alcohol binds to the same receptors as a benodiazepine does, and drinking was like taking a bunch of benzos. At 4-5 pm the next day I would go in to withdrawal, with many strange symptoms I did not understand.

 

I am now very happy that I tried this. I am now constantly in withdrawal because of my taper, with kinda obsessive thoughts roaming in my head, and even though I often questions if I am going insane, I know that I will all lift when I am no longer in withdrawal.

 

I hope this can help you to understand that it is the benzo devil messing with your head, and not you going insane.

 

Cheers Kasper   

[[Ru...]]

hey hollyms just wanted to chim in and say that before starting benzos i did have some anxiety which caused me to obsess a bit. But then soon after starting ativan i became locked in a world of daily constant obsessing. Mostly about what was wrong with me and why i was like this ,or was i going insane. I also developed brain fog ,confusion and poor memory soon after starting them and have been this way ever since.i have consulted dr after dr about my anxiety, obsessions and brain fog and they all think it is just my disorder but i disagree because every time i would up the ativan the obsessions would quieten down for  bit as would the brain fog till i hit tolerance withdrawal. Ever since starting the ativan it has been an up and down battle with obsessing that i cant reason out or make stop and i have never been this obsessive before in life. I used to be able to logic an obsessive thought out and get over it. It is like my brain is being controlled from another source other than myself as if i am consumed by it and cant ever break free of it for more than a few seconds. and even the counseling doesnt help and after reading your threads ii really think it is the ativan doing it as the obsessing is worse during withdrawal and hightend anxiety. How soon after starting benzos did the obsessing start for you? For me it was within a few days that it became constant

[[Ho...]]

How soon after starting benzos did the obsessing start for you? For me it was within a few days that it became constant

I dont' remember exactly, but it was definitely very soon after I started taking the benzo. I do not remember having these intense fearful obsessions before that. Everything you said sounds very very familiar to me.  It is just near impossible for that to make me feel any better since like you said, outside influences seem to do NOTHING to lessen the obsessions.

 

 

Noolie - I'm not quite sure I understand... just because we give our brains a dose of alcohol means we won't be in wd during that time? Couldn't the alcohol be just having a very calming effect?

What you said about having no hangover though interested me... whenever I'd drink on K I would never get hangovers really.

 

[[Wa...]]

This is a very uncomfortable topic for me, but I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this while taking Klonopin or during wd.

 

I had this obsession very bad for about a whole year a while ago... it wasn't anything involving losing touch with reality, actually quite the contrary... it was me so afraid of going in insane for some reason, that I couldn't stop being obsessed with religion. My mind was trying desperately to find some "answer" but I don't even know what answer it was looking for, all I know is it was looking for it in religion.  It would just keep going round and round in circles. This really, really tormented me.  Of course, I never found my "answer." All of this is why I don't dare turn back to God or religion during this time... Klonopin wd scared me away from it!!

 

I've had other torturous obsessions too. One that was very similar and just as bad was this fear of going insane (it's linked to the one I just explained above, I guess). It was like for some reason, I deep down knew that I was going to go insane, and my mind went crazy searching for answers on how to prevent it.  

 

I still have these obsessions a little bit but it's not constant now and it's better. This leads me to think it was an intense obsession caused by the benzo? They have to be... they were SO STRONG!

 

 

 

 

Religion in itself will drive you insane!!! the first thing to remember is its not the religion that saves or helps you in your time of need as of now it's the relationship!!!

 

Watchman

[[Ru...]]

i really do think holly that these drugs can make you way more obsessive, i was def less obsessive qnd more interested in things like shopping etc till the meds hit and then i lost my mind with obsessions.

[[Ho...]]

I will be entering the 4th month free in a few days, and it feels like all the obsessions and mental symptoms are coming to a head. They've always been constant before, now they're coming in very strong waves and knocking me off my feet. Torture!

[[Ru...]]

hey holly i am so sorry you are feeling this way, i am just wondering though i know your still on tradnazone ,is there any way this could be causing the obsessing, or are you taking anything else? Also i know heavy metals in the body can also cause these sx, perhaps you could have that checked out. I am just trying to help, and would love to see you get better, you so deserve it after the 3 yrs of hell the k put you thru