On Day 11 fully off K. Would appreciate support

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Hi Everyone. I am really having a tough time.  I am not sure how to put it.  I can't get comfortable.  I am worried about things that i need to handle that i can't seem to do.  i cry a lot.  my confidence level has decreased so much.  i know that feeling like i won't be normal again is a s/x, but my days can be so long.  i am so thankful for this site.  this is a really hard day.  i feel guilty for watching so much tv.  i am worried that i won't be able to handle my job when we start mid august.  i know it is one day at a time tho.  i worry that i tapered too quickly but there is nothing to do about that now.  i have detached from most of my friends because i don't want to be so negative all the time.  i have had depression on and off for years, but this seems different.  my stomaach is gurgling all the time and things go right thru me.  there has been no relief with that.

i find myself making up things about my entire life.  that i have really been beaten down for sure.  it has been a year of much loss of friends and love and job change and trauma so sometimes i get afraid that maybe life can get a person really beaten down and now this w/d and i'm really a mess in this.  i have aa friends but my trust level is weak right now and i don't like being like this so much in front of people and i am afraid of more hurt. sometimes i am so restless but i can't get on my bike or go to the park.  i wish i could but i can't. i do talk to my sister almost everyday and she is so sweet during this.  she can't believe it either - how odd it is.  i hope i am not bringing anyone down.  i also forgot to put on my intro that i was taking 1/2 of an ambien to sleep and am off that 2.  i am sleeping better and having less nightmares; graateful for that.  feel so weak; emotionally and physically.  i can't thank everyone enough who takes the time to write to me.  it means more than words can hint at. i am still taking 75-150 wellbutrin for dep.

thanks again.

[[Na...]]

I was at where you were not long ago.  I had no odea what I was getting into when I jumped off of basically .50mg of Clonazepam (generic klonopin).  The early days were extremely rough so my advice is to do your best to stop counting the days.  I did the same thing.  Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months.  I started getting some "windows" around 6 weeks off, but I also would get hit hard with waves.  Its just part of the healing process.  I am in a wave right now, but the intenseness is way less than it was early on in my recovery.  Just stay strong and persevere.  There is nothing but time than can help with this process.  Thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Natron

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Natron - your words were just what i needed.  i just needed some hope.  thank you so much. it's okay that  just let go of the thinking aroudn what kind of taper i did do you think?  were not able to do much.  i am so glad u r doing better.  mine was the clonezapan too generic

[[te...]]

Hi Panther4242, I'm not off the K-poison, yet...but I am SO happy that you are! I'm rooting for you!!! T2

[[Lu...]]

Panther, Do you remember what you read in my thread in Anxiety? Now that you are off, go in ANXIETY for your support. You are now in the worse days of withdrawal. Before I jumped, I never had this kind of anxiety. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! Unless someone has gone through this, it is unexplainable, is it HELL and then some. I don't mean to scare you more, I don't think you can be. But now that you are there there's no place to go but up. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing by not involving too many friends. This will just scare them away from you. You'll need them later. For now TRY,TRY,TRY to do the best you can just to survive and don't worry able being able to do anything. You won't be able to because the medication has it grip on you. It is controlling you. Your brain is crying for more medication. I knew exactly the things I was doing and was in a full panic but I could NOT change my behavior. Get through the toughest part, you will survive with BB help and things WILL get better. I will be praying this is very very short lived for you.  You helped me and I am grateful. I PRAY I was able to help you......  LUCY

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Lucy - you are like an angel.  i will go in anxiety for support.  i have been going into withdrawal support. thank you for saying all i need to do right now is survive because that seems to be all i can do.  it's so boring and restless but it is what it is i guess.  i am taking care of the important things with the fuzzies and water and good. Lucy - i cut and pasted your message in my word doc to read over and over.  thank goodness i can pray.  can't thank you enough for taking time to write to me.  you are so right - you are not scaring me more; it helps to have someone tell me it is hell.  it is hell.  who in the world could ever even describe this. xoxoxoxo

[[Na...]]

Panther,

 

Looks like you have been given some good advice.  A little more is just trying to stop the dead end thoughts.  Cancel out the "what if" statements.  Those are the hardest ones I still deal with.  You have already taken a huge first step in eventually concurring this demon and that deserves a pat on the back!  Just know that it will get better. 

 

Natron

[[Lu...]]

Panther, how are you doing today? I've thinking about you hoping you are doing better. I'm ten weeks off and still having anxiety problems. I can't even exercise without getting more hyper. This morning I skipped the aerobics hoping by just lifting a few weights and pulling a few ropes on a weight machine wouldn't hyper me but it did. It felt like my whole body was just shaking jello mass when I finished. I guess I need to just sit and relax. This journey has been ridiculous. I have been wondering which is worst, anxiety or depression. I guess most people would answer just the opposite of what they are experiencing. How about it BB what would you rather have to put up with, I know we would want to say neither one.  But just supposing you had to pick one.....

Anyway, it is a beautiful sunny warm but breezy day in Wisconsin..... Today I will be grateful for that.  Again I hope you are feeling better.

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hi Lucy - that's interesting that you see thinga making you hyper.  what a mess.  i only slept about 4 hours last night but went with my  sister while she had the oil in her car changed.  and got my bike in my  car - had a flat.  felt tired - came home closed my eyes and now i feel that sort of crazy hyper feeling.  the depression in this feels different - has an oddness to it.  there is a meditation relaxation thing at a friend's house at 6:30 but feel too weird to go, but hard to be comfortable here.  oh Lucy - i will be so thankful when this is behind us.  i can't even describe it.  so glad to see a note from you.  wisconsin.  beautiful.  rainy here in so fla.  distraction helps.  things to do but can't do them.  i read what you wrote to me to a friend and my  aa sponsor and they were inpressed with how kind you are.  very weak and weird.

[[NY...]]

Hi Panther,

 

Just want to let you know that I'll be praying for you tonight!!!  I hope you feel better tomorrow.

 

Take good care of yourself!

 

NYClady

[[LP...]]

Hey Panther! Just wanted to add my two cents.  I was also addicted to clonazepam.  I have been Benzo free for a year and a half and I feel so great.  You will get there I promise you.  I was MISERABLE, I mean miserable, so I know how you feel and what you are going through.  I struggled with terrible insomnia, tremors, aches, you name it.  Hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself.  People don't understand quite what we have to endure when w/d from a Benzo, but the ones we want to keep around us the most are the ones willing to try.  But at this point I would say just to worry about you.  The thing that helped me the most was telling myself "one day at a time".. And eventually, and gradually that time came where I was completely healed.  You are on a great forum.  This forum helped me SO much! You can do this!

 

Lots of Hugs

 

Lindsey

[[NY...]]

Hi Panther,

 

How are you doing today?  I hope better.  Just want to let you know that I'll be praying for you again tonight...

 

Hugs,

 

NYClady

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Thanks again buds for taking the time to think of me.  I am doing better.  i still have those waves of electricity and sickness and depression but i have been having long windows.  it's like a miracle.  don't know if u saw my thread on here "he wants me to reinstate help" - got good help there as i was all in my head over how i got off.believing is so imp or else i get myself all worked up in fear.  years of aa has taught me how to deal with fear; thank God.  i went to a comedy club last night.  when i am not in the pain i feel like i am thankful for this experience - it has given me a great but hard lesson about the frail brain - no more turning to pills for me and with yrs of anti/dep that is a huge lesson. and also i am so filled with love and gratitutude for the little things in my lilfe when i feel somewhat normal.  "somewhat normal' is such a gift to me now and i am thankful for that perspective.  you guys are awesome.  i would not have made it....