I feel like I have lost every last shred of who I am in the last nearly four years. I have lost everything. Every part of my identity.

[[jo...]]

 

I’m sorry in advance for the depressing post. 

This experience strips you bare, there is nowhere to hide. Every ounce of trauma has come to be surface to be dealt with. The true fabric of society has become evident. The lack of empathy, compassion and people’s interest in friendship without it being a mutually beneficial exchange. 

The abandonment wound I’ve probably hidden for a long time. That feeling of not being good enough. It’s all raw and at the surface.  

I’ve never felt so irrelevant, invisible or worthless as what I do right now. 

Before I was injured I had friends, a career, a social life. I was the one forgetting to reply to peoples texts, coming home after a long fulfilling day at work and falling into a deep sleep. I had purpose, I had independence and I had goals. I had plans on the weekend. My alone time felt like a gift not purgatory. 

Now I’m just the person who sits at home every day. The one that most people are trying to get away from. The miserable, sick, scary person that isn’t “fun” to be around anymore. The face of human suffering that people want to avoid. I feel like a desperate, sick, needy blob. 

This isn’t a post to make anyone feel sorry for me. Just an honest take of where my life is at. Lately, I’m feeling like I don’t know how to keep going. I’ve never had to face so much darkness without a shred of light. I haven’t had a window in 7 months. There’s nothing that reminds me to keep going, or a break from the waves crashing over me.

I have numerous toxic family members on both sides. I’ve even gad to go no contact with a few immediate family members to protect myself. So many friends faded away. Even someone who I thought was a “best” friend is really not interested in me or how I am anymore. 

Every day something else reminds me of this worthlessness and hopelessness. I try to go one day at a time, but lately all I can think is, another year of this?

 

Edited January 13 by [jo...]

[[wi...]]

You’re post isn’t depressing, it’s real and it’s valid and it comes from a crushed and broken heart as a result of being beaten down by a cruel and inhumane injury from drugs which you were told would help you.

listen to me, this is NOT your fault. If you could choose to have these symptoms end right now you surely would, so it isn’t that you don’t want to get better, it’s just that you’re very sick and tired of being ill and feeling powerless, and the energy to even think a positive thought is too much.

we want to but we can’t look to other people to comfort us when we feel like this because it scares them as much as it scares us to feel this depth of misery.

Our current societal meme is toxic positivity. If you aren’t abnormal happy 100% of the time you’re a burden. This is a tragic manifestation of how self centered and selfish we have become as people.

when we’re down and protracted, we get a clearer picture, oddly enough, of mankind’s not so nice behavior.

Here’s what we have to do. Make a pact with yourself to not hurt yourself just for today, even though it may feel like it’s a valid option.

Make that pact with yourself every day if only for a few hours at at time.

we have to stay alive for the possibility of healing some more..I know those are painful words right now but you may get more windows, but you need to make it another day, one day at a time to find out.

Im protracted also, and just earlier I was thinking the worst about EVERYTHING. How nobody on bb is as “sick” as me, nobody is living alone, everyone has money, everyone but me is healing, I’m screwed because I can’t take supplements or other meds to sleep or work, and on and on and on!

then saw your post and wanted so much to give you encouragement and what I hope is loving support. I got a rush of energy and her I am. I dunno what happened but I’m glad it did.
 

I’m surviving and recovering one day at a time from almost 30 years of benzo and multiple psych drug use..all as prescribed.

you helped me by posting honesty and authenticity and I saw a real person just asking to be seen and heard.

i see you and hear you.

all you have to do is make it through today.

There is hope. Even if you only feel 1% of hope it’s still hope and it has power.

im sending you so much love. Thank you for your courage to have endured this for so long. I know it’s terrifying and takes so much from us.

please take my hand and hold on..on step at a time. 

we can’t think about how to make it another year.. that thought is coming from a wired anxious nervous system, it’s our current state. One day at a time. That’s all we need to do, and I know you’re sick of that, but trust yourself deep down you want to keep going. Our current thoughts are hijacked. You want to survive this and so do I.

You are stronger than you feel right now. Those shitty thoughts are not reality. I swear.

🫂

Edited January 13 by [wi...]

[[jo...]]

@[wi...] your comment has made me cry. Thank you so much for your kindness and validation, when you yourself are struggling so much. It means the world to me to feel less alone and be seen. Thank you. Thanks for not trying to shame me into being positive. Everything you wrote is just what I needed to hear. I see you too and admire your strength, bravery and empathy in the face of all this darkness. Thank you 

[[wi...]]

You helped me, too so thank you.

things a perfect example of how life is supposed to work. Both people get rewarded. 

Edited January 13 by [wi...]

[Guest [...]]

Thank you to both of you. 

[[Pa...]]

I’m overwhelmed by the pain, the honesty and the empathy I’m seeing here, thank you @[jo...] and @[wi...] for expressing yourselves so eloquently. I’m so sorry for your pain.

 

 

[[wi...]]

The love and deep connection in this thread is bathing my nerves in healing so palpable. 

This is so very good. So very, very good.

For everyone who reacted and posted so far, please know how grateful I am for you all, my heart and soul radiate what words cannot express. 
 

 

Love you all so much ❤️

[[mo...]]

I know how you feel . Every morning I wake up angry and despairing that I still feel the same and I don't want to do this anymore  Yes, people seem callous and uncaring - even the doctors I have to deal with now because while I'm trying to survive this (into 8 years now) other parts of my body are requiring my attention. And the doctors want no part of my story and that hurts. All I do is work hard at accepting less day after day. But I do have an incredible husband who continues to stand by me. If you are in this alone - I am sorry. I am amazingly still here. Please believe in yourself and some day you will be so strong - nothing will faze you and you will not be hurt by anyone again.

[[jo...]]

I’m so sorry everyone is suffering so much, but I am so grateful and comforted you wrote these words to me. You were all vulnerable and comforting and empathetic even in your own darkness. It’s amazing how isolating and lonely this experience is. How disconnected you feel from most people in real life. But then, I come on here and remember I’m not alone.
 

Thank you everyone. We will survive this. I am trying to make peace with the fact my old life is gone. Right now I am in hiding while I rest and heal, and when I emerge, I will be a new person with gratitude, a new life, new friends and fresh eyes that see the world very differently. 

[[Be...]]

I can very much relate to what you wrote.  I feel as if I've lost my identity too.  It's horrible.  I just survive day to day now.  

[[Gy...]]

Hello Everyone 

Just reading through all your posts here and feel encouraged by the compassion and kindness you are all sharing with each other whilst we all navigate these stormy seas. 
I too am having a bit of a hard time being forced to cut by my new Dr, typical young Dr think they know all about theses meds and there sx’s but really they have no idea of the hell that we are forced to endure.

I empathise with all of you, I’ve been on this crap since 2006 found BB in 2013, many who I used to speak to have healed and moved on but that gives me hope that one day I too will heal. Although I’m getting older and the sx’s seem harder to ride through.

Trying to navigate my way through the new site as well is a bit of a mind bender……but change helps the neuroplasticity in the brain so that is a good thing.

Hope I didn’t waffle to much.

cheers

Gypsy

[[st...]]

On 19/12/2023 at 16:40, [[M...] said:

I’m glad ur feeling better! I went through ssri withdrawal 8 months ago, reinstated and still had akathisia so started Ativan and Iv been tapering and my cycle is so bad I’m suicidal for like 17 days a month. My cycles are long near 40 days. My hormones are all normal.. Iv tried limiting my diet it didn’t help :/ 

 

On 20/12/2023 at 06:12, [[M...] said:

Did you ever try birth control to stop your periods 

 

On 12/01/2024 at 17:15, [[j...] said:

I’m sorry in advance for the depressing post. 

This experience strips you bare, there is nowhere to hide. Every ounce of trauma has come to be surface to be dealt with. The true fabric of society has become evident. The lack of empathy, compassion and people’s interest in friendship without it being a mutually beneficial exchange. 

The abandonment wound I’ve probably hidden for a long time. That feeling of not being good enough. It’s all raw and at the surface.  

I’ve never felt so irrelevant, invisible or worthless as what I do right now. 

Before I was injured I had friends, a career, a social life. I was the one forgetting to reply to peoples texts, coming home after a long fulfilling day at work and falling into a deep sleep. I had purpose, I had independence and I had goals. I had plans on the weekend. My alone time felt like a gift not purgatory. 

Now I’m just the person who sits at home every day. The one that most people are trying to get away from. The miserable, sick, scary person that isn’t “fun” to be around anymore. The face of human suffering that people want to avoid. I feel like a desperate, sick, needy blob. 

This isn’t a post to make anyone feel sorry for me. Just an honest take of where my life is at. Lately, I’m feeling like I don’t know how to keep going. I’ve never had to face so much darkness without a shred of light. I haven’t had a window in 7 months. There’s nothing that reminds me to keep going, or a break from the waves crashing over me.

I have numerous toxic family members on both sides. I’ve even gad to go no contact with a few immediate family members to protect myself. So many friends faded away. Even someone who I thought was a “best” friend is really not interested in me or how I am anymore. 

Every day something else reminds me of this worthlessness and hopelessness. I try to go one day at a time, but lately all I can think is, another year of this?

I swear I could have written this myself. You explain it so well. You are not alone! I wish I could give you a hug.  I think the fact that so many of us are feeling the same exact way means it's a symptom. We have more healing to do. I wish we knew how much. The uncertainty is awful.  Iv read of others feeling the same way as us and having the feeling go away. If you ever want someone to talk to you can message me. We need all the support we can get. I also have toxic family and Im to I'll to make friends on the outside world although I try. Xoxo

[[Ne...]]

Journeybacktomyself...you are such an eloquent writer and describe this torture of mine better than I can.  I ditto everything you said.  I have been injured longer than I even took the benzo for sleep only - 85 total pills - from start to taper 6 months.  And here I am almost 9 years later from that so-called short term benzo last crumb and still in total mental and physical hell.  I haven't had a window in 11 months.  My previous window was almost 9 months.  Nine years ago, I was hiking 5 miles everyday after work and now I can barely force myself to walk a mile but I do and it is definitely forced. I will be 70 this year and live alone.  I am slowly losing my fight.  How I have forced myself to go to work everyday is beyond me but that is the only way I have kept myself alive.  My TV is my one and only remaining friend at home.

I sincerely hope you are young enough to have a whole life ahead of you to reclaim once you recover. 

[[jo...]]

@[Ne...] thanks for being here and sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear of what’s happening to you. It’s truly heartbreaking the hell you have endured, and after such a short time on those pills. The time frame you took them is not dissimilar to my own time on them. I’m sorry at 70 you still have to force yourself to go to work everyday. Especially feeling as you do. I hear you and I see you. You’re not totally alone as you have all of us here. I pray for your healing and hope you still have some years left that aren’t plagued by suffering and loneliness. Do you have any family? Why is no one around to help you? I wish more people would support those of us who need it the most 

[[Ca...]]

On 12/01/2024 at 17:15, [[j...] said:

"This experience strips you bare, there is nowhere to hide. Every ounce of trauma has come to be surface to be dealt with."

So sorry it's so rough going. It is refreshing to see someone telling the true story of the reality of it. 

But yeah, this really puts it well. It's like layers of ego and stripped of the shell, leaving it exposed out in the bright sunlight. Has been the most humbling experience I've ever gone through. 

Other ppl not having gone through it really can't understand. I just wish they could trust me about the scope of it and just surviving, as of late, is the best I can do.

I don't see how you guys can go to work, I couldn't possibly hold a a job. Lost my job and career.

I so regret I became a beast to be around, so unlike my true nature. It was better to ease off of it, avoid the stress, stay by myself and hang out with the cat. ☮️

 

[[jo...]]

@[Ca...]  It’s not just you. There’s no way I could work. I had to leave my job in 2020. I can barely survive some days. I also spend many days with a book and my cats

[[wi...]]

Do you guys get scary thoughts about finances? 
I have money anxiety. 
 

[[Ca...]]

10 hours ago, [[j...] said:

@[Ca...]  It’s not just you. There’s no way I could work. I had to leave my job in 2020. I can barely survive some days. I also spend many days with a book and my cats

That is so fabulous you too! My cat helps with the stress, depression, doesn't judge. They are so cool! Really hope we survive this ordeal ☮️ 

[[Ne...]]

20 hours ago, [[j...] said:

@[Ne...] thanks for being here and sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear of what’s happening to you. It’s truly heartbreaking the hell you have endured, and after such a short time on those pills. The time frame you took them is not dissimilar to my own time on them. I’m sorry at 70 you still have to force yourself to go to work everyday. Especially feeling as you do. I hear you and I see you. You’re not totally alone as you have all of us here. I pray for your healing and hope you still have some years left that aren’t plagued by suffering and loneliness. Do you have any family? Why is no one around to help you? I wish more people would support those of us who need it the most 

Thank you for your kind words.  I do have family.  Everyone is busy living their lives and no one really "hears" my devastation. It's almost easier for me to not ask for any help anymore.  I have always been very strong and independent. So that's a negative, too!  No one views me as weak.   

[[Na...]]

I don't know what I can say @[jo...] that hasn't already been said except that I'm sorry you're going through this.

None of this is fair. We don't deserve what's been done to us. These pills take so much away from you if you are one of the unlucky ones.

How long have you been off benzos?

[[La...]]

On 12/01/2024 at 20:15, [[j...] said:

I’m sorry in advance for the depressing post. 

This experience strips you bare, there is nowhere to hide. Every ounce of trauma has come to be surface to be dealt with. The true fabric of society has become evident. The lack of empathy, compassion and people’s interest in friendship without it being a mutually beneficial exchange. 

The abandonment wound I’ve probably hidden for a long time. That feeling of not being good enough. It’s all raw and at the surface.  

I’ve never felt so irrelevant, invisible or worthless as what I do right now. 

Before I was injured I had friends, a career, a social life. I was the one forgetting to reply to peoples texts, coming home after a long fulfilling day at work and falling into a deep sleep. I had purpose, I had independence and I had goals. I had plans on the weekend. My alone time felt like a gift not purgatory. 

Now I’m just the person who sits at home every day. The one that most people are trying to get away from. The miserable, sick, scary person that isn’t “fun” to be around anymore. The face of human suffering that people want to avoid. I feel like a desperate, sick, needy blob. 

This isn’t a post to make anyone feel sorry for me. Just an honest take of where my life is at. Lately, I’m feeling like I don’t know how to keep going. I’ve never had to face so much darkness without a shred of light. I haven’t had a window in 7 months. There’s nothing that reminds me to keep going, or a break from the waves crashing over me.

I have numerous toxic family members on both sides. I’ve even gad to go no contact with a few immediate family members to protect myself. So many friends faded away. Even someone who I thought was a “best” friend is really not interested in me or how I am anymore. 

Every day something else reminds me of this worthlessness and hopelessness. I try to go one day at a time, but lately all I can think is, another year of this?

I’m so sorry to read this. But all of us can relate to what this does to not only us but to our family friends and loved ones too. It’s a hard journey that strips people of much of what they called living. I also know what it’s like to sit at home day for months that turn into years. I’m 42 months and still waiting to even be able to tolerate a 2 minute ride to the store. This whole thing is ridiculous in so many ways and unbelievable to us…so understandably so that others seeing it can’t begin to get it. One by one they seem to distance themselves from the “ sick for too long”. I personally lost my marriage and many so called friends as I was in acute and needed them the most! You know what…good riddance! They were for a season obviously. Not preaching or projecting divinity when I say this…..God didn’t leave me! That’s the main one I wouldn’t want to have left me. Having said all that…please don’t let it get you down ( easier said than done). Those who have unconditional love will remain. Once you have completed your healing, you’ll be back out in the world better than before ( is the word on the street). And I will too! I use that as my focus. I spend a little time each day imagining my new healed life. Even writing down what I would like to do or go or see,etc. It will give you something you can control as a motivation. You deserve a big hug and handclap for your strength in this so far! Keep your head up ! 👏🤝👏

[[La...]]

On 16/01/2024 at 15:43, [[N...] said:

Journeybacktomyself...you are such an eloquent writer and describe this torture of mine better than I can.  I ditto everything you said.  I have been injured longer than I even took the benzo for sleep only - 85 total pills - from start to taper 6 months.  And here I am almost 9 years later from that so-called short term benzo last crumb and still in total mental and physical hell.  I haven't had a window in 11 months.  My previous window was almost 9 months.  Nine years ago, I was hiking 5 miles everyday after work and now I can barely force myself to walk a mile but I do and it is definitely forced. I will be 70 this year and live alone.  I am slowly losing my fight.  How I have forced myself to go to work everyday is beyond me but that is the only way I have kept myself alive.  My TV is my one and only remaining friend at home.

I sincerely hope you are young enough to have a whole life ahead of you to reclaim once you recover. 

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug 🤗 

[[jo...]]

@[Ne...]”everyone is busy living their lives and no one really hears the devastation” - boy I really related to this so much. The feeling of being left behind is a terribly lonely one. It really contributes to those feelings of being invisible and unimportant in this fast-paced society that really does not know how to hold space for suffering of any kind. I have no words, just solidarity and virtual support. I’m so sorry. 
 

@[Na...] thank you. I know you’ve been suffering a long while, so sorry. I am 31 months out from benzos. This mess started in June 2020 for me when I suffered a severe reaction to an antibiotic. I imagine how I felt was similar to an extreme CT after 20 years off a benzo. My world imploded. So total for me is around 3-5-4 years/43 months now. 
 

@[La...] virtual hugs back at you! We’ve been suffering similar time frames 
And I can relate to the slow and almost non existent healing. I’m sorry you have also dealt  with being abandoned by those around you. Keep fighting. I see you, you’re not alone 

 

[[Ne...]]

18 hours ago, [[L...] said:

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug 🤗 

Thank you...so sweet!  Right back to you!  Only us can understand our torture!