I don’t want to take meds but I think I need to

[[he...]]

Hi everyone. Brief history, I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I have been off and on benzos since 2009 latest being 2 years of klonipin. I’m am 5.5 months out from a 6 or 7 month taper. 
   I was doing ok with my depression for awhile, it was mainly the anxiety. My depression is in full swing. In the past I had tried multiple medications but most made my anxiety worse or I had other bad side effects. On meds I’m a pretty flat person and just don’t feel like they were right for me. 
   I am currently in the think of a 2 week long depression. I realized I was in it when I did not enjoy being around my family at Thanksgiving. I usually love it, it could’ve been that they bring up things from my traumatic childhood or we all just talk about the same things that I just did not enjoy myself and wanted to just go home. 
 

   I had a disagreement with my husband yesterday. Our home is moldy (being corrected) he promised we’d buy a new home after we got married 2.5 years ago but has changed his mind several times while making no attempt to repair the home we’re in now. To top it off he loves to remind me every so often that it’s not my house bc he had it prior to marriage. As someone who had no stability growing up i figure at 35 is at least be a home owner. 
 

I am also going through fertility treatments which was what got me off benzos in the 1st place. 
 

question is- I plan to try and do TMS, has anyone done this? 
My husband said no matter what I will always be unhappy. I just feel like that can’t be true, I do feel happiness from time to time just not like I did before the klonipin. Has anyone found that time healed their mental health issues? 
I’ve been doing somatic therapy, talk therapy, and seeing a naturopath to handle all my health stuff. I’ve been eating a very clean low carb diet. What else should I be doing? 

[[ou...]]

Wow... In my humble opinion nobody needs to take any psychoactive substance long term. I may not be married but I know that the point of it is sharing your life with another person. That includes "his" house. Also I'd never say to someone I cared about that they would "always be unhappy". In general, criticizing something without offering productive solutions is empty at best.

Edited November 26, 2023 by [ou...]

[[he...]]

@[ou...] I think I’m at the end of my rope with him. I am so resentful towards him. He said I’m not the woman he married and that had he known he was marrying a person who’s personally was based on medicine he wouldn’t have. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t steady taking psych meds until 2014 3 years into our relationship and I was off all meds the year we got married. I’m the one who ends up walking away from these conversations feeling guilty. I told him yesterday we absolutely have to go to counseling there’s no way around it at this point. 
it comes down to me thinking this is all me and needing to be medicated but it could be I’m just not happy with my life at all. Most days I want to pack up and leave the state but can’t imagine how that’s work with 3 dogs and work. 
also wondering if I just feel this way bc of protracted withdrawal or not. I did have these feelings of wanting to leave him before. I was 23 when I met him he was 32/33. He was the only stable person in my entire life and I just don’t know how to feel about it anymore. 

Edited November 26, 2023 by [he...]
I wrote my current age for my husbands age at the time we met. I am now 35 and he is 44.

[[An...]]

5 hours ago, [[h...] said:

Hi everyone. Brief history, I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I have been off and on benzos since 2009 latest being 2 years of klonipin. I’m am 5.5 months out from a 6 or 7 month taper. 
   I was doing ok with my depression for awhile, it was mainly the anxiety. My depression is in full swing. In the past I had tried multiple medications but most made my anxiety worse or I had other bad side effects. On meds I’m a pretty flat person and just don’t feel like they were right for me. 
   I am currently in the think of a 2 week long depression. I realized I was in it when I did not enjoy being around my family at Thanksgiving. I usually love it, it could’ve been that they bring up things from my traumatic childhood or we all just talk about the same things that I just did not enjoy myself and wanted to just go home. 
 

   I had a disagreement with my husband yesterday. Our home is moldy (being corrected) he promised we’d buy a new home after we got married 2.5 years ago but has changed his mind several times while making no attempt to repair the home we’re in now. To top it off he loves to remind me every so often that it’s not my house bc he had it prior to marriage. As someone who had no stability growing up i figure at 35 is at least be a home owner. 
 

I am also going through fertility treatments which was what got me off benzos in the 1st place. 
 

question is- I plan to try and do TMS, has anyone done this? 
My husband said no matter what I will always be unhappy. I just feel like that can’t be true, I do feel happiness from time to time just not like I did before the klonipin. Has anyone found that time healed their mental health issues? 
I’ve been doing somatic therapy, talk therapy, and seeing a naturopath to handle all my health stuff. I’ve been eating a very clean low carb diet. What else should I be doing? 

I tried TMS. It did not work for me. This is not to discourage you. Try it if you can afford and have medical insurance. Some ppl report success. It may work for you. It is non-invasive and there is min to no risk.

It sounds to me like you are in a very unhappy marriage. This could be a big contributing factor to your depression. More medication will not fix situational depression. You have to change your situation.

[[Br...]]

@[he...] It sounds like you and your husband are both struggling.  It's hard to unravel all the strands of what's going on between you.  But I wouldn't make any big decisions while you're in withdrawal.  You're only five and a half months out from your last benzo dose.  From what I've seen and experienced myself, withdrawal puts a lot of stress on relationships.  It's almost impossible for others to understand what we're going through.  Withdrawal can make us feel very isolated as a result.  Our partners may feel helpless and even angry that their world has changed too.  It seems important that both of you hold onto the hope and belief that you are healing and you will be yourself again.  It asks for both of you to be patient.  Healing will take time but you will recover from this.  

When you have more healing behind you, couples therapy can be very helpful.  Is this something you and your husband would consider?

[[he...]]

9 hours ago, [[B...] said:

@[he...] It sounds like you and your husband are both struggling.  It's hard to unravel all the strands of what's going on between you.  But I wouldn't make any big decisions while you're in withdrawal.  You're only five and a half months out from your last benzo dose.  From what I've seen and experienced myself, withdrawal puts a lot of stress on relationships.  It's almost impossible for others to understand what we're going through.  Withdrawal can make us feel very isolated as a result.  Our partners may feel helpless and even angry that their world has changed too.  It seems important that both of you hold onto the hope and belief that you are healing and you will be yourself again.  It asks for both of you to be patient.  Healing will take time but you will recover from this.  

When you have more healing behind you, couples therapy can be very helpful.  Is this something you and your husband would consider?

Thank you for your reply. I thought of that last night, perhaps he is hurt too. Perhaps he is hurt that nothing is going as planned for him either. He agreed to go to counseling together so that we can work on our communication. I can acknowledge that this has been very hard on him too. It’s hard to remember that he cares when he is not too empathetic. He never has been so I can’t expect him to be now. He’s been in the military for 25 years and has seen a lot. He sees me struggling with things he thinks I shouldn’t be bc he thinks life is great. He survived going to war 4 times and that really changes someone’s perspective. 
 

Your reply helped me put things into perspective a little. I knew he was like this when we got married and when we got married I was able to hold myself together better. Hoping TMS and continuing to use mindfulness and meditation will help. 
 

there are times I feel radical change is necessary. Like to just run off and hide somewhere on a beach. As fun as it sounds it won’t solve it. Perhaps he’s right nothing will make me happy especially if I can’t be happy with myself and it’s a struggle I’ve always had. Life was just easier with a little antidepressant on board but I’ve always had wild side effects from them. 

[[Th...]]

Just remember that someone that has never gone through withdrawal cannot possibly relate to what it's like.  Even their best guess is way off.  Unless you experience it, you simply cannot relate to what it's like.

[[Br...]]

11 hours ago, [[h...] said:

Thank you for your reply. I thought of that last night, perhaps he is hurt too. Perhaps he is hurt that nothing is going as planned for him either. He agreed to go to counseling together so that we can work on our communication. I can acknowledge that this has been very hard on him too. It’s hard to remember that he cares when he is not too empathetic. He never has been so I can’t expect him to be now. He’s been in the military for 25 years and has seen a lot. He sees me struggling with things he thinks I shouldn’t be bc he thinks life is great. He survived going to war 4 times and that really changes someone’s perspective. 
 

Your reply helped me put things into perspective a little. I knew he was like this when we got married and when we got married I was able to hold myself together better. Hoping TMS and continuing to use mindfulness and meditation will help. 
 

there are times I feel radical change is necessary. Like to just run off and hide somewhere on a beach. As fun as it sounds it won’t solve it. Perhaps he’s right nothing will make me happy especially if I can’t be happy with myself and it’s a struggle I’ve always had. Life was just easier with a little antidepressant on board but I’ve always had wild side effects from them. 

Just as it's impossible for others to understand benzo withdrawal when they haven't been through it, I think it's the same with depression (and anxiety).  People tend to think it's just sadness that goes on longer than they understand.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.  You're healing right now from benzos.  It's completely normal that you're struggling.  Just about everything feels harder in withdrawal, including depression.  Plus our brains tell us everything is out of whack and hopeless.  We call these benzo lies that our brains tell us when we're in withdrawal.   You will get through this, withdrawal will end, you will heal and you'll find ways to cope with depression.  

[[he...]]

Thank you everyone. 

[[he...]]

Just a follow up. I revieved lab results and my thyroid levels are really off (hypo). It’s been a journey adjusting my meds to get me in a good place. Now I know it wasn’t just “me” being depressed it’s my hormones being off too. 

[[An...]]

On 27/11/2023 at 08:30, [[T...] said:

Just remember that someone that has never gone through withdrawal cannot possibly relate to what it's like.  Even their best guess is way off.  Unless you experience it, you simply cannot relate to what it's like.

Yep, I totally agree and this includes doctors / medical prescribers. Anyone who has gone through this horror, survived, and recovered will have both sympathy and empathy for those who are currently going through it. I actually cringe when I read posts from ppl in other forums who have just started taking benzos who think they have found the magic bullet for their anxiety and panic. Little do they know what awaits them after they become addicted and tolerant many months to years later.🙏