3 am dread

[[le...]]

Hello friends. I’ve never posted here before but I’m at my wits end and looking to see if others have a similar problem. 
I’m a 59 yo female with no history of mental illness. Two years ago I took .25 mg Ativan for some insomnia. Not only did it not work, it was giving me rebound anxiety and interdose withdrawal almost immediately (hindsight knowledge). After two and a half weeks I became really concerned about becoming dependent on the Ativan so I stopped taking it and started taking Zoloft because my doctor attributed my symptoms to new onset of anxiety.  Within 3 days I was in full blown withdrawal, again hindsight knowledge. My doctor blamed my withdrawal symptoms from starting Zoloft and that I should continue taking Ativan to get over the Zoloft hump. After six horrific months of waiting for the Zoloft to kick in I finally realized that Ativan was causing my problems - continual inter-dose withdrawal. I tapered over six weeks time (way too fast) and here I am, 18 months later still waiting to get better. All of my physical symptoms have resolved and I’m left with crazy chemical anxiety interspersed with days of deep depression and sleep issues. While sleep has gotten better over time and I easily fall asleep around 10:30, I am waking up right around 3 am and if I’m in a wave (which I usually am) I am filled with dread, sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly. I rarely get back to sleep and will toss and turn and wiggle and pray for the morning light. It seems that nothing I do can prevent this dread. It doesn’t seem to be getting better. In fact, I feel so stuck. I had thought by 18 months I would be long past this but here I am. There is a little voice in my head telling me that I’m never going to get better and that maybe I have a sleep disorder.  I’d really appreciate someone who has dealt with this to give me some advice and reassurance. Much love to all those both recovered and still recovering. 

[[Pa...]]

Hello @[le...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I’ve heard that voice, in fact most of us have but I’m here to tell you its lying and you can get better.  I know it takes too long but the fact you’ve seen improvement with your other symptoms means you’ll continue to see them.  

Disruptive sleep patterns can be difficult to break, but the more we stress over them, the more intrenched they become. I’m sure you’ve tried adjusting your sleep schedule, if you have, what was the outcome?  Do you believe what you may be feeling is the beginning of the morning cortisol rush at 3 AM?

I hope we can help reassure you that you’re still recovering and can get past this, we’re glad you found us.

Pamster

[[Th...]]

I concur with Pamster.  Try not to worry too much about your "lack" of sleep.  Worrying about sleep tends to make it worse, not better.  Most nights I am awake between 3 and 4:00 am.  I normally get about 6 hours of sleep and sometimes 7 every night.  A few times a month I'll get 4 or 5 hours, but that is self-induced because of my schedule and activities I choose to do that keep me awake past 10 or 11:00 pm. 

Unfortunately I have a "window," that if I fall asleep in, I'll get 6-7 hours.  If I fall asleep after that window I average 4-5 hours, but again it's all "mind over matter."  If you don't mind, then it doesn't matter! LOL 

As long as you feel "OK" the next day, don't worry about it, if possible.  I've learned to adapt over the years and live a completely normal life on less sleep. And less sleep overall compared to what I was getting BEFORE BENZOs.  IMO, anything is better than a zero or 1 or 2 hour night.

[[le...]]

On 13/10/2023 at 08:03, [[P...] said:

Hello @[le...], welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I’ve heard that voice, in fact most of us have but I’m here to tell you its lying and you can get better.  I know it takes too long but the fact you’ve seen improvement with your other symptoms means you’ll continue to see them.  

Disruptive sleep patterns can be difficult to break, but the more we stress over them, the more intrenched they become. I’m sure you’ve tried adjusting your sleep schedule, if you have, what was the outcome?  Do you believe what you may be feeling is the beginning of the morning cortisol rush at 3 AM?

I hope we can help reassure you that you’re still recovering and can get past this, we’re glad you found us.

Pamster

Thanks so much for your response! I did adjust my sleep schedule to an hour and a half earlier and it really helped my overall sleep. I generally get good deep sleep from 10:30 to 3 am. It’s the 3 am to 6 am which is so weird. Literally, I can feel a wave of dread wash over me most mornings. It must be the cortisol rush. My fragile nervous system must be very sensitive to it. Some mornings I do go back to sleep, but I call it zombie sleep because some mornings I know I was asleep but it didn’t feel like it. I’m so grateful for the 4 hours of good sleep I get and just praying the zombie sleep will resolve into better sleep. 

[[le...]]

On 13/10/2023 at 08:23, [[T...] said:

I concur with Pamster.  Try not to worry too much about your "lack" of sleep.  Worrying about sleep tends to make it worse, not better.  Most nights I am awake between 3 and 4:00 am.  I normally get about 6 hours of sleep and sometimes 7 every night.  A few times a month I'll get 4 or 5 hours, but that is self-induced because of my schedule and activities I choose to do that keep me awake past 10 or 11:00 pm. 

Unfortunately I have a "window," that if I fall asleep in, I'll get 6-7 hours.  If I fall asleep after that window I average 4-5 hours, but again it's all "mind over matter."  If you don't mind, then it doesn't matter! LOL 

As long as you feel "OK" the next day, don't worry about it, if possible.  I've learned to adapt over the years and live a completely normal life on less sleep. And less sleep overall compared to what I was getting BEFORE BENZOs.  IMO, anything is better than a zero or 1 or 2 hour night.

I love this mind over matter idea!!! It’s not really the lack of sleep that I stress over as it is the awful feelings of dread that wash over and stay with me for hours after waking.  It has robbed me of a beautiful relationship with my pillow from 3-6!  By the way- I’ve read your longer posts about sleep and they were incredibly helpful. Thank you for sticking around to help those of us who are still struggling. 

[[Ne...]]

I lay down at 10 pm and listen to calming music and breathe.  Turn off the music at 10:30, usually fall asleep by 10:45.  First wakeup around 1 am, then very lightly sleep from 3 am on.  I often don’t even think I am sleeping but have silly stories playing out in my head so I must be sleeping.  I have gotten so use to this that I don’t stress over it anymore.  I am approaching my 28th month since CT after only 3 weeks of usage. Prior to the benzo, I slept 8 hours straight without any waking.  Not sure if this is how it will be for me going forward but acceptance has helped me a lot.  I think if you worry less about not sleeping it may help you feel more rested.

[[Sc...]]

Late 30s female here and I'm awake at 3am with you most nights. It's been one of the most stressful parts of my recovery and believe me when I say it - I know how nasty the shame spiral is at that hour. My brain will pull out the very worst things I've ever done (99% of the time they are things that only I remember and that no one else is mad about or even thinking about) and be like "here! see! this is why you suck and deserve this." It's very hard to deal with, I know. My therapist suggested something that helps sometimes. It's weird but sometimes talking back to the shame helps. Sometimes I will say to myself, "okay, I understand we're upset about this particular thing but nothing is going to change before the sun comes up. Let's talk about it in the daylight when we can process and make rational decisions." Then I will sit down in the morning (daylight, when the sun is up) and write out my thoughts. I usually end up writing out what I felt so much shame over and realize it isn't a big deal. It's never a big deal. Processing things this way helps me not feel so bad about the thing the next time. I can kinda snap out of it and talk myself down and fall back asleep. The fixations are the worst.

[[Sl...]]

On 13/10/2023 at 22:14, [[l...] said:

I am filled with dread, sometimes gradually and sometimes suddenly

Exactly  what I have been going through  in last 1 yr. I was on Benzo and AD for only about  4 months , not together. It all started after I stopped CT . 

I have completely lost napping ability since then.
 

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by [Sl...]

[[Th...]]

The ability to sleep and nap returns.  It just takes more time than we'd like.  Hang in there.  It will slowly improve over time.