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When Family Is Not Supportive


[Fa...]

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This isn’t so much a post about me, however my experience has sponsored my writing, but about the heartbreak and disappointment, to say the very least, when family chooses to not educate themselves on this process to better understand and, in turn, be better able to support us during the most horrific time in our life.  A time that often can feel life-threatening to us.  When we are treated as though we have done something wrong, not trying hard enough, or when their choice is to not acknowledge the reality of what it is we are moving through regardless of how many times we try to explain.  

The fact that this even happens is devastating and beyond my comprehension.  I suppose that is because I felt my family were like me…an assumption I guess.  I am not speaking of my entire family just to clarify.  And, now that I have gone through this, I have to express how much this has impacted me, and my NS, to such a degree that I see just how detrimental it is for us not just on a heart and soul level, but a physical level with a NS that is unable to process such incredible sadness.  Heartbreak during WD is a world of hurt that feels more unbearable than one can manage.  At least, it is for me...and, I will assume for us all.

For those who have been through this, my heart goes out to you completely.  I don’t think most of us believe that we would ever find ourselves in this situation.  I would think there could be certain family members you may suspect will not be open to understanding…or willing to learn/educate in order to be of support. But then there are those that you would absolutely assume would be there to help in whatever way they can.  That was me, anyway.

I know that pushing information on those in our life when we realize the predicament we are in is not always well-received.  I’ve watched videos on this topic.  I did this at the beginning.  But, I do believe it is imperative that the closest to us are educated.  And, I believe it is very telling of who will be beside you on this hellish journey and who may not based on who is willing to watch one or two informative videos or read a few articles perhaps.  That should have been my red flag where my family is concerned.  There were more red flags, I just didn’t want to see them.

I was extremely fortunate that my best friend took interest immediately and would watch anything I would send.  She would then cite back to me key things when I was in really bad spaces…she began to learn the ‘lingo’…learn that the BW brain is next to impossible to reassure.  Just small, but key, things that can really help us to feel validated and seen during our suffering.  She is a beautiful person, and I’m truly blessed to have her in my life.

For those of you who have had family let you down, perhaps gas light you, etc., I pray that you have others in your life that are there for you.  I pray that you have a friend or anyone else who can show you compassion and patience…understanding and love.  Because we all deserve it.  Our minds may tell us at times that we don’t…that we are a liability, a burden, better off not here…you know what our brains do.  It’s insidious.

We are NOT a liability, a burden, and we are certainly taking up space here because we are meant to be here.  We are valuable.  We are lovable.  And, we deserve love and compassion.  And, if we are alone…we come here, and we are met with much compassion, understanding and love.  Because we benzo injured…our hearts have been cracked wide open.  If there was a time where we may have been less inclined to reach out to others prior to BW, chances are more than excellent that we will have done a 180.  We have been humbled.  We have been taken to our knees, and we would never want to see another hurt and suffer because we now know what intense suffering is…suffering of indescribable proportions.  And, all we want to do is to help when we can.  Sometimes, we are in better positions to help than other times...sometimes, we need the help.  But, we WANT to help...feel compelled to help... and ease suffering if at all possible when we can.  That's who we are.  And, those who have turned their back on us in our greatest hours of need...not so sure how easy it will be to repair the damage that has been done.  I would like to think sooner than later.  The hurt is deep.

Sending All Much Love and Healing from My Heart to Yours.

Faith 

 

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Thank you for this Faith! My parents rushed me on a benzo due to a stupid therapy center and then abused me for not being better. I left the country and have better carers now but I feel so guilty towards myself and my in laws because they are the help I needed and wanted before and I never believed in meds and knew I was semsitive andnit felt off and I still took it. All to calm my dad down who saw the worst when I was actually doing well. I hate this. They do mot get it and never will. What they did to me. For no reason at all. I am lucky to still have one family to support me. My country is now very on benzos being prescribed too much etc and my parents just send me articles of people who took long time and healed quickly and it sucks cause I am not that case. Everyone is different and my brain could not handle even very short time use and I knew never to touch psych meds. Thank you for this post. I am glad you have a great best friend.

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@[Co...]  I do remember when this was happening with you, Coco.  And, I am so very happy that you are now receiving the care and support you deserve.   You went through a lot, and I know how devastating it was, and still is, for you.  Was very glad when you let us know you had got on that plane and left to be with your partner. 

I know the feeling of guilt all too well...and, I also know that it is misplaced.  My mind is fighting me with this constantly.  I struggle with it.  I would like to blame the feeling of guilt on BW, but I'm pretty sure if I weren't in it, I would struggle with it, also.  At the same time, I know we are deserving of help, and we need to learn how to accept it graciously.  I know a lot of things intellectually...practically is always more difficult.

Much Love, Coco.

Faith

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It takes the support of a community, be it family, church, AA, NA, online sites like BB, or good and trustworthy friends to heal, and to heal more quickly. People who lack that nurturing and safety during their healing process truly suffer, yet STILL HEAL! Yes without care and love and compassion and empathy we are trying to balance what feels like a five thousand course feast laid upon a 500 pound slab of oak wood  while only having three wobbly legs to prop it all up, instead of four sturdy beams. 

I had NO support the first time I went through withdrawal and I made it. 700+ days of suicidal ideation but I made it and even got so healthy I got married to a wonderful man. It's weird but I feel like this second withdrawal is God's way of giving me a second chance at trusting, and feeling loved. This has been a gift... this suffering has purpose, it does. I hate it and I wouldn't choose this path myself, but it's giving me new life.

This second time around is equally difficult and yet so different. 

For those who read this and know they don't have a community of support I would suggest doing anything to have emotional support from loving people. Go to church, or group therapy, or outpatient treatment centers, or alcoholics anonymous, you will find your people. I know on my worst days I feel better when I can come here and commiserate and bond and support my fellow soldiers. 

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Much love too, Faith. I am still stuck in those 6 weeks last year before the benzo. How fast I was healing and how hopeful I was and how possible everything seemed and how magical aupuncture and life was BUT I struggle further and I actually made it up a mountain of 4000m. I cannot hike or anything. I am in bed here most of the time. But I joined my boyfriend on a work trip so took a plane to a new place and did some minimal sight seeing and some more crying, finally some crying and some yawning, no nap, no sleep, but I yawn now. I actually speak some Spanish now too. We taper. We heal. Little by little. 

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@[Sw...]  Safety...my experience has me feeling far less safe.  And, that was the strongest desire I had...to feel a sense of safety in my circumstances.  Life keeps pushing me far outside my comfort zone on all levels.  And, it has done it once again.  I can only speak for myself, but I have not felt 'safe' for too many years now.  Two of those years due to BW and a whole other level of feeling 'unsafe'...and counting.  And, feeling safe is paramount for our healing and NS...but, my symptoms don't allow for a feeling of safety.  I'm always looking for ways to feel safe, but my brain doesn't allow for it.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, SS.

Warmly,

F

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@[Fa...] Thank you so so much for sharing this because I can relate to what you have written. No one understands what we go through and we are left helpless and cornered. We didn't choose to be like this instead forced to be here. We need more awareness about this issue so that people can understand that what their behaviour can do to us.

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@[Be...]  Definitely feel helpless...and, often times hopeless.  And yes...our reaction when hurt, rejected, dismissed, ignored, avoided...it hits our NS so severely.  It did me.  I has me.  And, I wanted to write about my experience loosely because maybe others are experiencing it and won't feel so alone...'cause I certainly do.  I know this happens often, but haven't really read too much on here about it.  Not that we want to air our laundry...but, this happens all too often.  And, we have done nothing wrong...but in BW we are so quick to believe we are 'wrong' in some way.  Just not true.  And, how we suffer on a whole other level when experiencing such a blow...it's terribly difficult to calm our systems down.  It is for me.  It had made me question my value and worth...and, I will be dealing with these feelings for a while I imagine.  But, trying my very best to move past it.

Warmly,

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They also need to be willing to understand and it is so unphatomable it is not easy to grasp. It makes it difficult. The best I have is my boyfriend who just says that it will take as long as it takes, that I have gotten better, that he believes in me, that I am strong. But I do not believe in me anymore, not like before. So that is difficult. His mom is also awesome but she is more like "do not tell yourself you are sick, tell yourself you are fine" and I did those things before but now it feels toxic positivity. My symptoms were dismissed, I did not get sick leave cause I had no medical issue, but I did get all kinds of drugs from every doctor omg. 

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@[Fa...] thanks for posting, you said it like it is, and most of us understand and appreciate that you wrote it down so well. For those that had family support that is great, for others that did not, it is one of the heartbreaks of your life. But like with all things that are hard to go through, we come out stronger and more equipped to handle our life going forward, and we know who will walk beside us. Stay Strong. 💖Peace and Healing.

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Well said begood. we stay strong and stick with those that help us especially this site there is so much love support and kindness namaste🙏

Thankyou

 

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On 23/09/2023 at 18:55, [[F...] said:

The fact that this even happens is devastating and beyond my comprehension.  I suppose that is because I felt my family were like me…an assumption I guess.  I am not speaking of my entire family just to clarify.  And, now that I have gone through this, I have to express how much this has impacted me, and my NS, to such a degree that I see just how detrimental it is for us not just on a heart and soul level, but a physical level with a NS that is unable to process such incredible sadness.  Heartbreak during WD is a world of hurt that feels more unbearable than one can manage.  At least, it is for me...and, I will assume for us all.

What is an NS?

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