Here i am again

[[Al...]]

2019 i realized i was abusing ativan. Was almost cut to nothing when i begged for it. So she agreed to do a slow starting at 1mg. She also tapered me off paxil. For the next year i sat at 1mg ativan and tried paxil then effexor. Effexor worked ok. Yea and half later i leave my job that i loved and scrambled to get a new one. Didnt want to work had a breakdown sent me into a bad hole. From sept22-nov5th i was all over with my ativan usage trying to find stability. I can clean to my doc i has access to more pills and that i wanted help off. He demanded detox but i made a promise to stick to his plan. After coming clean the panic attacks subsided but the withdrawl symptoms began. From nov-jan i tapered from .75mg-0 ive been off ativan since jan 26th 23. Jumping off the medicine i actually felt better. During the taper i found comfort in seraquel. Every day i pushed myself into a routine. Got up tai chi, light exercise and then i did as much work around the house i could. I would go until i couldnt. Then at night i knew i could take the seraquel and it would slow the brain down to a comfortable spot and wipe the day clean for another hopefull day. After i got off the ativan i wanted to get off serquel and it was honestly pretty easy i was only on 50 mg. I started having my testosterone checked prior to starting my ativan taper and it was 152. Since then my scores were. 178, 201, 207, and recently 182. I am a 29 YO Male 5,10 250 so weight is a problem as well. April after getting off i started a job welding. The shop was awful but the work was cool. I was constantly looking for a different job but finally quit after they raised the base pay up but wouldn’t move me. During this time i was doing better or at least functioning. But i left july 4th and then started to taper my effexor because i thought it was a good time. Went from 225-150 was ok for three weeks but then the anxiety was getting bad and i finally had a panic attack. I scrambled to get back to 225 and i did i even tried some adjunct meds for sleep. Seraquel made me all writers feeling and remeron drove me up a wall. I sat at 225 for a month and during this time i was all over emotionally. I had moments of clarity but i think the low t would cause me to pull myself back down. I felt like a pregnant lady. Last week my doc said oh effexor isn’t helping let’s get off. So we dropped to 187.5 but my anxiety has gotten pretty bad. On top of that my endo prescribed me clomid. My question is should i hve stayed at 225. The positives at 225 is that my anxiety was for a reason not like chemical buzzing. I did recently try to get back to work but full tome was too much so i tried to get part time and they just lid me off and said they couldnt manage part time right now. So i am dealing with that as well. My therapist thinks i should stay at 225 while i work on therapy and testosterone. Its wierd when i had a job i was less anxious but i would get wild intrusive thoughts at work and crying sols. But i was able to come home and unwind and enjoy things now im back to feeling like i have no purpose. Im wondering if yesterday i had a really tough day cause the job or because meds are kicking my butt. Just could use some words of kindness and maybe some insight. I beat myself up a lot for being on medication and being almost 30 with no job. I am fortunate to have parents and be the youngest in a big house.

[[de...]]

Please try not to beat yourself up.  You are doing the best you can!!!  Glad you are reaching out to get some thoughts on your situation.   I have some observations and questions.    Effexor has a reputation for being difficult to withdrawal from.   It should be tapered very, very slowly.    I tend to agree with your therapist about holding at 225 while you continue therapy.    You mentioned that you were prescribed clomid.   I think that is an infertility drug, are you being prescribed that off label?   If you are indeed taking clomid, that too can cause a lot of mood swings.   

It might take a couple of weeks to get stabilized on Effexor now that you are back to 225 mgs.   Your tough day yesterday was most likely related to the Effexor situation.