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Feel Destroyed


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Hey gals and guys,

 

Sorry to be Mr. Downer, but this is the only place I can divulge these feelings without being called a loon :-\

 

I am about halfway off of my klon, and I have recently begun feeling like I am never going to feel/be like the old me again. I have been on and off this since I was 17, and I am turning 23 in the start of July. I can't sleep, function, or feel anything except for this gross fatigue. I was a very smart, handsome young guy with a seemingly very bright future in store for me. Great academics, good friends, etc. Now I feel halfway retarded, can't focus on anything, and look very VERY ill. I have bags under my eyes, a black ring around my left eye that someone commented on looking like a black eye, and overall just feel like a carcass. My family and friends are very judgmental, and this has largely been written off as a mental disorder. I find it bizarre everyone has jumped to that conclusion, given I was a very happy young guy, and still have had times of great optimism and hope between 17 and now.

 

I also have breathing issues that doctors refuse to recognize (hard diagnosis to pin down), and I believe I may have some sort of sleeping disorder. I have been off Klon for over 2 years at one point, but still had sleep issues. They definitely weren't as bad, but still. It feels like doctors have also jumped to the "psychosomatic" diagnosis because it is convenient and requires less effort.

 

I guess I want to know if the body can repair itself from this mess? I know Ashton contends that the physical effects abate, but I really think she needs to see me :( Is there always going to be some aftermath from this?

 

Was coping a lot better this time last year, but now all I think about is death. So worn out from life kicking my ass. I really am quite positive normally- this is why this darkness is all the more frightening. Thanks for reading.

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Hi Ben

 

You are not a downer, and the person you remember from the past is still you.  He is right under the veil of this terrible drug...

Only time away from the drug completely will bring healing. As for sleep, as it seems you started on K cause of sleep.

What are you doing at night when you cant sleep?  Taking anything to help you sleep?

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[29...]
I firmly believe if u can get some sleep you will feel better, its what saved me

 

I believe this too.

 

My sleep has been mixed up in this cycle, but usually I sleep 6-8 hours.

 

If I get no sleep, the symptoms intensify a bit for me.

 

I don't think you're destroyed either.

 

It's withdrawal from a potent medication.

 

There are tons of success stories out there, where people thought they would never heal.. and they did.

 

So will you and everyone else.

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Hey Ben,

 

You will heal from this, and yes, you will be you again! It just takes so darn long to get there.

 

Don't worry too much about what your friends think, just focus on knowing that this will all end, and at your young age you can look forward to a bright future.

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Hi Ben, please don't be so hard on yourself - give yourself credit for recognizing the drugs are negatively impacting your wellbeing and that you are taking steps to remove them from your life!

 

It takes time, find something that will distract you. Stay connected with family and friends (including the BBs). Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself. Find something to smile at and keep on smiling  :)

 

Take care,

 

Lida

 

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

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hey bro,

 

I have some of the exact things going on with me right now.  No one believes I am in w/d, rather then I'm mentally ill.  Sleep has been on and off a lot on this journey.

 

But at the end of the day, I can't deny I have improved a lot.  You will to.  Just keep telling yourself your going to get back to normal, and I will once return to normal life.  I too ask myself the same questions you do repeatedly all day.  But I was normal before this drug, I'll be without it in time.

 

Just except the symptoms for now, and know that's all it is, stay optimistic, and keep fighting  :)

 

Good luck, I'm right there fighting with you.

 

KD

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Hey Ben,

 

I'm sorry your going through this, as a matter of fact I'm enraged that ANYONE has to endure this. The isolation, ostracism, and denial that doctors, family and friends put us through.  I have met many many many people that said the same things you are saying now...I'm ruined, damaged, and will never be the same.

 

You WILL come out of this stronger and more appreciative of all the small things in life. Who knows, you may even be thankful for it someday.

 

With love and prayers

ari

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Thanks everybody- I really am appreciative for the responses/encouragement.

 

I started the drug for some mild social anxiety during high school. I was put on 2 mg immediately (1mg at night, 1mg in evening). When I came off the first time I ended up in the local mental facility. I stayed up 5 days in a row (literally), and was vomiting, hallucinating, etc. I believe I was on suicide watch. I can recall a doctor popping his head in my room and asking me what year it was. I answered incorrectly:/ I don't know how, but I reclaimed my life that year. I felt, thought, and looked healthy again.

 

Fast foreword a few years and I get in a bad accident that involved getting my nose smashed into pieces. This created breathing issues, and hence sleep issues. That's when the anxiety slowly creeped back in. I don't how I could be so naive, but I was convinced by an MD that taking klon again would help mitigate the sleep issues. How dumb could I be :-[ I had a surgery on the nose, and while it initially helped, my sleep issues have persisted. I also think the surgery damaged me more in some ways. I guess the type of procedure I had is somewhat controversial, and there are people all over the internet claiming it immersed them into living hell.

 

I don't want to self diagnose- I truly can't attribute all these issues correctly. The one thing that is certain- the benzo is definitely a big component. The million dollar question- can my body find a way to sleep again if I get off klon- even with a crippled nose? From what I've read rhinitis and nose issues can really F up sleep for some people, but others seem to fare ok. My doctor said my nose was the most screwed up nose he had seen in 10 years.

 

You are right LP- sleep is a huge component. Just hoping I can regain some sort of sleep pattern to help improve w/d and my health in general. I really heat some aspects of Western medicine, and feel that I and probably many here have been severely medically mismanaged. I could go on about this, but I wont :thumbsup:

 

O and LP- I am taking 5htp at night.

 

Thanks again.

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Ben, I've been thru a lot of sleepless nights.. Do you mind tell us what your night is like.

I have a lot of info on helping you thru this, if you want, you can PM or post it here, which ever you prefer.

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LP,

 

It varies, but the most common pattern is go to bed around 11. I fall asleep fairly easily, most likely because I am just so damn exhausted. I wake up at around 3-4 like clockwork. I usually use the restroom, come back to bed, and then struggle till the morning. Sometimes I get back to sleep, sometimes not; even if I do it is very light and I keep waking up a lot.

 

The sleep I get after 3-4 is bizarre. It's like I'm dreaming, then I'm awake, then I'm dreaming, etc, etc. Sometimes I am just pretty much up all night. I breathe through my mouth because it is more comfortable. I am really worried that I have some sort of manual breathing obstruction. Is it normal to have this shallow/transitional sleep during w/d???

 

I also usually lay down in the day. I am so tired and delirious that I feel like I will pass out if I don't. This can be from an hour to two hours. I know this definitely isn't helping anything, but I'm not quite sure if I can physically make it through a whole day...

 

Any tips would be welcome for sure!

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hi ben zolo,

for a very long time my sleep was like yours, i would also go to bed around 11 then up like clockwork around 4 sometimes 5.  lots of night sweats too. i have been using melatonin to sleep, who knows if it's even doing anything anymore cause i've been taking it since last winter. i had a very scary experience with 5htp where i had almost an out of body experience and it left me feeling traumatized for days and this was at the start of my taper. people react strangely to that supplement sometimes, so maybe try to go without it and see what happens? also, i take l theanine (an amino acid) and magnesium/calcium to help me sleep, especially when i am up in the early morning and can't sleep. this has started happening again lately, last night i was up from about 2 until 6...you will get your normal sleep cycle back, it will take time though. i think the fact that you're sleeping 3 to 4 hours at least, is a good sign, hang in there,

J.

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I went without the 5HTP last night, and slept more or less just as crappy 8)

 

That's funny you mention that about 5 HTP; I had a very bad experience with theanine this last winter. I took it for a few days, then started getting very anxious. I felt very out of place in my body. I guess all we can do is try! If only there was a set in stone method to get through all of this...

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