Questions Regarding Holding

[[mi...]]

I’ve been given consistent advice to hold my current dose due to severe destabilization. I agree with this advice but here is why I haven’t held in a long time.

I generally make my cuts on a Sunday and the next day I feel improvement, even with a low 1-2% cut. It is as if my brain wakes up, I feel clearer, and I get endorphins and emotions. It’s so weird but predictable almost everything. It’s especially wonderful when I’m stable but since I’m not those feelings are mixed with overstimulation and other things and it isn’t always comfortable.

But then the second week hits by the weekend and I start feeling flat and disconnected around day 6-7. This progressively gets worse through the rest of the week to the point where it’s almost unbearable by the two week mark since my last cut. I historically have cut again at this point and it relieves the intolerable symptoms.

Since I’ve crashed this hasn’t worked predictably but has bailed me out of some dark thoughts a few times. But it’s backfiring now. I’ve been reading this as those second week symptoms are side effects of the drug since they get worse as the two week mark is up, and my logic has said the fact that I cut and feel better proves it since I’m eliminating some of the drug and the side effects lessen. I don’t know what of that is symptoms of the cut and what is symptoms of the drug itself.

Recently I’ve tried several holds of three weeks and I got so bad towards the end of those three weeks I felt like my brain was going to explode. I couldn’t think, I felt like brain activity was turning off, I felt like I couldn’t form a sentence. It was scary. Then I’d cut and in a day or two I feel 50% better. What is happening here?

The strange thing is that last summer (14 mo ago) I did a five week hold and was fine the entire time. I was holding to come off propranolol. The longer I’m on it the harder it is to hold.

When I recently got switched to Teva this effect got even more pronounced as Teva was way too strong for me. The longer I was on it the worse I got and holds made me feel toxic and like I was gonna die. Accord is weaker which I like and it seems I can go a little longer.

Is there some sort of imaginary wall I’m needing to bust through to get to where a hold will work and not be intolerable. Or is the drug truly toxic to me? Could these bad symptoms be wd symptoms that are manifesting that have built up over the months and last year that I’ve never given ample time to heal so they are stacked and manifest the longer I hold?

Im so confused. Holding makes so much sense but I feel worse when I do. Please any input as I know I can’t get better without holding but I’m scared I can’t tolerate it. Thanks.

[[Je...]]

What a paradox. Holding does make sense, but everyone is different. I don't actually have any good advice, I'm so sorry, but I wanted to offer some support. It's like trying to pick the lesser of two evils, isn't it? The only thing I can think is that if it was me, I might try really, really small cuts and see if that helped. Kind of in between a hold and an ambitious taper. Does that make sense? I really hope you feel better. This just sucks. I know.