struggling 12 days off and im in hell and moms sick and lost my friend

[[Th...]]

Hey guys ive been on benzos for about 4 years daily. about 1.5 mg of ativan and then switched over to klonopin 1.5 mg and than 10 mg of valium. ive been been mostly on benzos 90 percent of the time accept times where i had a doctor who didnt want to prescribe it anymore and i was cold turkeyed a bunch of times. i actually went 8 months of no benzos last year but i didnt recover i had to reinstate i was in such awful shape and what was going through my head besides the feeling like im going to lose my mind was what if i need to be on benzos forever? what if its changed my brain chemistry and i just need to keep taking them because i gone 8 whole months and i was still in a world of hurt. anyways i was down to about 10 mgs of valium and jumped off 12 days ago because i cant get anymore doctors wont do it. the withdrawal is awful 3 days without a benzo and my sleep was messed up and i looked horrible with blood shot eyes and then after 3 days i was able to sleep like normal but i wake up with this HUGGGGE anxiety and panic and exhaustion like i never slept at all......day 12 and each day i wake up i say anotherrrrrrr day of this....... sigh. i was looking okay while i was on the benzos but now i look like gaunt and so bad. when i was on benzos i was already getting bad symptoms like memory issues and apathy and still had problems but not as many. taking a benzo deffinitley does not make me feel on cloud 9 and great it just basically keeps me from freaking out and not going to the ER. but i dont plan on reinstating because i swear these benzos have made my mental illness worse i never had DPDR or anger issues or freaking out like this until they were prescribed which was for alochol related drinking habits actually.... yeah im not doing well my mom is sick she is not well which is killing me inside i think she has cancer and i have a VERY close friend for 2 years well i did have a close friend and she had feelings for me and i tried to take a relationship with her very slowly because i did have feelings for her but i couldnt be the boyfriend she wanted because i was so screwed up off and on the benzos and depressed etc. she would bring me to my doctors appointments because i was so ill i couldnt do it myself and i was actually homeless at the time staying at a shelter... i know REALLY bad. we were really good friends and when i said i dont know if im looking for a super serious relationship and let fate have that fall in place if i feel better she started to get heart broken because she really did have feelings for me and i think she loved me. i tried reaching out to her because i have not heard anything and i do care as a very close friend to her and ask if shes doing okay but no reply i think she moved on which maybe thats what she needs. so i have alot going on just like the other people struggling on this site i hope you guys get well. i dont know what to do

[[Pa...]]

Hello Thewitchergeralt, welcome to BenzoBuddies,

I can see you've had and are having a really rough time, I'm sorry to hear about your mother.  Do I understand you correctly, you're currently benzo free and you did a cold turkey?  It sounds like you've done this before so you know what to expect, I quit cold turkey too and know how horrific it is.

Your brain has changed to accommodate the drug but its working as hard as it can to get back to normal, and the longer you stay off the drug, the more progress it will make.  It takes so long to recover from these medications, but we can in fact recover so try to hang in there. 

I know its terrible, but you can survive this, keep reaching out for help, there are many here who understand what you're going through.

Pamster